December 27, 2013

The 2013 CRL 100


Welcome, one and all, to the 2013 CRL 100! Tonight we will begin the second ever installment of the aptly titled Cewsh Reviews List 100, as we begin the countdown of the 100 best and most significant wrestlers of the past calender year. This list, which was founded originally in protest of the PWI 500, is the sum of a full year's worth of tireless tape watching and analysis by us here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters, and we can't wait to show you who we chose for what spot, so you guys can get down to the important business of tearing it to shreds.

The goal here is to spread the word about people who had a great year, while rewarding the people who went above and beyond in the name of our entertainment. And while you might think you know how things will play out if you read our list last year, I assure you, things are VERY different this year. With a almost a third of the members of last year's list falling off of this one altogether to make room for fresh blood, and a radically different looking top 10, this list reflects a turbulent year in wrestling history. But at the end of it all, only one man can stand tall as Mr. 2013.

Will it be Daniel Bryan? John Cena? Hiroshi Tanahashi? Only one way to find out!

October 24, 2013

TNA Bound For Glory 2013

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents...

TNA BOUND FOR GLORY 2013


Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that hurt more for your pleasure than an actor doing his 20th nut shot take of the day, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we have finally come to the ultimate event in TNA's year, Bound For Glory 2013. Everything that TNA has crafted over the prior 364 days has led inexorably to this place and this moment, where it will all become clear and the path will make sense. The agony of the past 11 months will be undone in a glorious night of untold wonder and genuine merriment. There is no possible way that these ladies and gentleman could produce for us anything less than the very finest that the grappling arts can be. And when the smoke clears and the sad eyed homeless man now calling himself AJ Styles has finally triumphed over the powers of evil after years of anticipation, it will be a magnificent moment. One to tell the grandchildren about no doubt. So let's dig right into this event while I'm still in a state of manic delusion, and see just what TNA has to say for itself after what may be the worst year for any company in the history of professional wrestling.

October 5, 2013

NJPW Destruction 2013

New Japan Professional Wrestling Proudly Presents...

NJPW Destruction 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that own a giant mech robot for crushing our enemies, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, and while I may always say that, I well and truly mean it today. Recently, we asked our readers to tell us what they depended on Cewsh Reviews for coverage of, and the resounding answers were Japanese wrestling and TNA. Since TNA is lucky if they can even run a complete show, we're instead going to focus on Japan, and starting here, we will be covering each and every New Japan iPPV from this point on. The reason why we're focusing on New Japan will be clear to anyone familiar with them, but to those who aren't, New Japan has recently been on an incredible out of control hot streak that has led to them not only resurrecting themselves from obscurity, but has seen them rise to be the second biggest wrestling promotion on the planet. With stars like Hiroshi Tanahashi and Kazuchika Okada, New Japan has set it's sites on becoming a global product, and are eagerly courting American fans, (meaning you.) So it's lucky for you that you have the trusty Cewsh Reviews team there to get you on the ground floor of the biggest wrestling movement since the late 90s. Yes THOSE late 90s.

So let's dig into a show where Okada's title is in jeopardy, where a cocky little crusierweight has become one of the greatest heels in wrestling, and where literally every match has someone awesome in it, just waiting to become your new favorite wrestler.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

September 1, 2013

WWE Summerslam 2013

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE Summerslam 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that prefer Winterslam, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as World Wrestling Entertainment jetsets over to the City of Angels for the latest in their yearly exercise in spectacle, WWE Summerslam 2013. Now you may have heard this in one of two places coming into this show, but there's actually this pretty important match going on tonight that has been built up across every WWE television show, and with the full strength of the WWE promotional vehicle behind it. That match is obviously Natalya vs. Brie Bella, but there are probably some other matches on this card too. Let's take a look. Wait, Bray Wyatt in a RING OF FIRE MATCH?! Daniel Bryan vs. John Cena?! CM Punk vs. Brock Lesnar?! Alright, which one of you turned on the dream booking machine? Because we owe you a lifetime's worth of high fives for this card, which is easily one of the most exciting in recent memory. Will the torch be passed to Daniel Bryan? Will the Best beat the Beast? And will Big E Langston actually win a match and stop making me sad? Join me, and my mad scientist compatriots Artie and Michael, as we learn all this and more.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

August 21, 2013

The 2013 Tanahashi Cup

Welcome welcome, boys, girls and hopefully not children of any ages. I'm proud to bring you, for the very first time in Cewsh Reviews history, the Tanahashi Cup! What is the Tanahashi Cup, you ask? Well as you have a working internet connection, you've no doubt run across any number of lists counting down the sexiest female wrestlers and personalities. And that's all fine and dandy, but there are very few things out there that are built to determine the sexiest male wrestler on the planet. And boy, is that ever where we come in. In order to sort out who the hottest man rocking speedos on this planet is we assembled a crack team of two women, two straight men and a bisexual man to argue, debate, disagree and go to war over who rocks it the best. And when the dust settled we crowned the official sexiest male wrestler of 2013.

Only One Man Is Qualified To Do The Tanahashi Name Justice In 2013.

Oh, and why is it called the Tanahashi Cup? Well we named it after the sexiest male wrestler alive, who we had to remove from the competition, lest it make it unfair to everyone else. We believe that fairness will take you everywhere in life. Well, that and a great set of abs.

August 14, 2013

WWE Money in the Bank 2013

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE Money in the Bank 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that totally liked Daniel Bryan better when he was called American Dragon for some reason, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we set our sights on what has become the fourth biggest show of the WWE year, WWE Money in the Bank 2013. For the past several years, this show has been a yearly turning point for WWE, with incredible events taking place, and the seeds being planted for storylines months in advance. As such, they have quickly created a show that truly matters in the middle of the dreariest part of the wrestling calender. Tonight is no different, of course, as we have two different Money in the Bank ladder matches, a heated John Cena/Mark Henry match, a whole bunch of undercard goodness, and a pre show match so good that we're forced to review it. With all of this goodness on the table, it's obviously far too much for me to handle on my own, so I'm bringing up a hot prospect from the minors. You may remember him from our NXT Scouting Reports earlier this month, and he enjoys long walks on the beach, death metal and spirited debates about Kamen Rider. His name is Artie. And he is both the hero we need right now AND the hero we deserve. So with my new sidekick by my side, and a night full of intrigue ahead, there's only one thing left to say.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

July 29, 2013

CR Fantasy Warfare II

Sound the horns, take up arms, and let loose the dogs of war. Because tonight, we here at Cewsh Reviews go to war. FANTASY war.

Close Enough.

Using the very latest and most advanced booking simulator technology, (or not,) we will pit the great minds of Cewsh Reviews against one another in a bid for fantasy warfare supremacy and bragging rights forevermore. To be more specific, we'll be doing a draft of any active wrestler and forming our own dream promotions, and then simulating a year in the life of our wacky promotions in Total Extreme Wrestling, (click here to learn more about the game,) to see which promotion will reign supreme at the end. So how will it go down? Only one way to find out.

July 24, 2013

Cewsh Scouts NXT 2013

Why hello, I didn't see you there. Welcome to the Cewsh Institute for Careful Observation and Contextual Knowledge. Here at COCK we take our jobs very seriously as the foremost wrestling scouts on the internet. Previously, we have brought you detailed breakdowns of both the NXT roster and the New Japan Pro Wrestling roster, and today we're here a year later to retrace our steps and evaluate the new recruits and blossoming prospects of WWE's developmental program, as well as revisiting our evaluations from last time.


We have 16 men and women here who will be judged by their pros and cons, and will be assigned a grade based on their potential as WWE prospects. We will also be rendering judgement on whether or not these individuals are ready for full time main roster competition. Today we'll be breaking down the first four of these, focusing on everyone holding gold in NXT at the moment. Joining me in the venture are my esteemed colleagues: Psycho, Artie and Dennis. Psycho joined us last time, Artie is new to NXT but is very enthusiastic about it, and Dennis is so familiar with the product that eating the cupcakes he brings to shows has become a rite of passage for new talent. Together we will put our lab coats on, carefully evaluate strengths and weaknesses, and try to find out just exactly who the stars of tomorrow will be. Are you ready for some hardcore fact mining and grueling tape watching? No? Well then lucky for you that we did it all for you.

July 17, 2013

TNA Slammiversary 2013

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents...

TNA Slammiversary 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviews that put the T in TNA, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we all join together to celebrate the 11th anniversary of the day where a guy named Cheeks had one of the worst wrestling matches of all time, with TNA Slammiversary 2013! Over the past 11 years, TNA has seen more than its fair share of highs and lows, and now the company is having to weather the storm of the Aces and Eights, who are casting a pall over all other events. Tonight the leader of Aces and Eights, Bully Ray, will take on a furious Sting who badly wants to drub the entire group out of existence, and has decided to put his championship future on the line for the opportunity to do so. All of TNA may hang in the balance as the old legend straps on the boots again to do battle with the evil that has invaded his chosen home. And besides that, we have every title being defended, an appearance by Emo Styles, and a show stealing match which might be the last thing that you'd expect. We have all of this, plus our most famous co-reviewer ever, AJ Styles*!

* Not actually AJ Styles.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

June 26, 2013

WWE Payback 2013

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE Payback 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that view payback as a demand to have your money returned, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we take our first grown ups steps into the iffy WWE summer ppv schedule with WWE Payback 2013! Now, traditionally, this is the time of year where everything pretty much goes to hell interest-wise. They start pushing new acts, they start experimenting with new main eventers, and in general they just kind of kill time until Money in the Bank rolls around. But surprisingly, here we are in the middle of June and there's quite a bit to talk about already. We have Ryback attempting to put his stamp on WWE by destroying John Cena in a 3 Stages of Hell match, CM Punk making his triumphant return in the town that he owes as surely as if his name was on the deed, and we even have that AJ/Kaitlyn match that they've been building to for 12 years and have never actually gotten around to. So with quite a lot to talk about for once, let's not waste any time getting to the good stuff.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

June 12, 2013

WWE Extreme Rules 2013

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

June 11, 2013

CRSMUTDC4 Match Drawing Extravaganza

Welcome, boys and girls, to the most exciting night in the Cewsh Reviews year. Tonight's the night when we reveal the card that our readers and fans, (those aren't always one and the same,) chose for us to review, creating the 4th annual installment of a little shindig that we like to call the Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card.

This Is A Picture From The First One. He Just Looks So Adorable Though.

Inside we'll reveal the matches and the winners, and we'll also give a little background on why these matches are interesting, as well as revealing the special wrinkle that we're introducing this year to spice things up. So come on in, and watch the magic of reader interaction take place. And if you wind up kicking yourself for not having participated, just remember: there's always next year.

May 26, 2013

Empty Budokan: How AJPW and NOAH Survived The 00s To Die In The 10s



Nothing lasts forever.

No matter how mighty or unassailable something may seem in the peak of it's strength, it can easily crumble and fall apart if not properly tended to. Staying on top in any industry is all about changing with the times, keeping an eye towards the future and ensuring that your company has everything it needs to keep performing at the highest possible level. As you might have guessed from the title of this post, this is the story of two companies who did not take these lessons to heart. And now, despite both being, at various times, the top promotion in all of Japan, they now both sit on the precipice of obscurity and failure.

How did things get this way? How did the fertile ground that birthed the Four Pillars, (Kenta Kobashi, Mitsuharu Misawa, Toshiaki Kawada and Akira Taue,) later become known for fights in the locker room? How did a company founded by the most popular wrestler in the nation, and built in his image, lead all of wrestling in failed main event pushes? Today, we'll do our best to answer those questions.

May 24, 2013

Fantasy Friday - The Trials of Styles: Part 2


Welcome, welcome, welcome, to the finest thing to happen to Friday since Carl Winslow, Fantasy Friday! Now, for those of you who were naughty and didn't join us last week, this feature represents my occasional urge to rebook a famous storyline from history. Maybe I thought that The Rock and John Cena should have had a monster truck tug of war match, or maybe I thought that Hogan/Sting should have taken place in a ball pit surrounded by grizzly bears. Hell, occasionally the ideas will even make sense, which will probably come as a pretty major surprise to both of us.

Today we'll be entering part 2 of my booking plan for the current AJ Styles storyline in TNA. The goal is to put 6 months on the clock and compose a storyline so compelling that leads AJ to Bound For Glory, that people will actually be willing to turn on TNA's shows in order to watch it. It's among the more daunting tasks that I've ever taken on, but my middle name is Danger and my last name is Cansuckit. In the first installment, I already covered the initial build up, leading up to a match between AJ Styles and Samoa Joe, and a title match between Bully Ray and Hulk Hogan that actual makes some semblance of sense. Where do things go from here? Only one way to find out.

May 22, 2013

NJPW Invasion Attack 2013

New Japan Pro Wrestling Proudly Presents...

NJPW Invasion Attack 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that send you flowers after lariating you, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we look to Japan for a big time follow up to one of the most incredible shows we've ever reviewed, and focus on NJPW Invasion Attack 2013! Now, if you remember our review of Wrestle Kingdom from this year, the first thing that jumps to mind is no doubt how completely over the moon we were for it. The matches were incredible, the rivalries were on fire, and the show was capped by the biggest match that money could buy, as we saw Hiroshi Tanahashi hold off the attack of the upstart challenger, Kazuchika Okada. Well now all of that is coming to a head one more time, as Okada gets one last shot at reducing the Empire of the Golden Abs to rubble and remaking it in his image. One more go round for the hottest feud to hit Japan since the 90s, and that's just one of the wild things on this show. We'll get a crazy heel turn, the strange return of the NWA, and the match that our Puro guy Defrost excitedly named "the greatest match of all time." What more can I say? Let's get this party started.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

April 26, 2013

Fantasy Friday - The Trials of Styles: Part 1


Let me start off this post by making it clear what this feature is and is not going to be. This is a feature about the dreaded subject of fantasy booking. This is NOT going to happen all the time, because there simply aren't enough storylines worth this level of attention to detail going on at any given time, and because I am absolutely terrible at predicting the future, (as we all know very well.) What this is, instead, is an occasional feature that will give me a chance to plot out the possibilities behind interesting storylines that many of our readers may not be following or even be aware of. And it will give me carte blanche to assume the controls myself for a moment, so that I can try to concoct a storyline that holds up to the kind of scrutiny that I would level against the company if I were reviewing it. This is not an easy task, because I'm kind of an asshole. 

The storyline that I'm going to be taking charge of is the booking of AJ Styles in TNA, from this very day today, all the way to the Bound For Glory PPV in October. For those of you who don't watch TNA, (which, statistically, is most of you,) the story currently is that AJ Styles, furious with being overlooked and unappreciated by the company that he dragged into the spotlight, left TNA for a number of months. Commissioner Hulk Hogan and Owner Dixie Carter begged him for months to come back until Hogan finally demanded that AJ do so, only to find that AJ had adopted a much darker persona. Meanwhile Bully Ray is the TNA Champion and rides at the head of the Aces and Eights, a biker stable of his own design that rules TNA at present. I have 6 months to connect the two in a meaningful way, and I've broken the story into 3 parts (April/May, June/July/August, September/October) for easy digestion.

Start the clock.

April 21, 2013

The Shimmer Volume 57 Wrap Up (Speca, Speca, Speca, Speca, Speca) Spectacular

YOU COME AND GOOOOOOOO. YOU COME AND GOOOOoooooooOOOOO. Yes, boys and girls, we've come to the end our Shimmer wrap up. We've loved and laughed together as we explored the depths of a live Shimmer weekend, and we certainly hope that you've enjoyed taking this journey with us. Tonight we'll say some fond farewells, cheer for some climactic victories, and enjoy one last show before Shimmer hangs up the ropes until October. So read on, and have a blanket, a heating pad and plenty of water on hand, because you're about to go into Shimmer withdrawals.

HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT YUU? I WANT TO KNOW.

But before they can leave us, first they will put on one last show. Can it live up to the three before it? Will the events of this show change Shimmer forever?

April 20, 2013

The Shimmer Volume 56 Wrap Up (Super) Spectacular

Welcome to a beautiful Saturday night in scenic Jetpackistan. We hope you're enjoying your day as much as we are as we stare out from our Cewsh Reviews castle built out of a mountain in the shape of Hiroshi Tanahashi's face. But if you aren't then we're here to change all that nonsense around, as we bring you the third installment in our series recapping our live attendance of the Shimmer tapings, (Volumes 54-57). One week ago we were deeply embroiled in the kind of magical world that you can only find in a ballroom in Berwyn, Illinois.

The Original Site For Disneyland.

When we last left you, Cheerleader Melissa was still reigning supreme as Shimmer champion, Jessicka Havok and Serena Deeb were deeply entrenched in a war, and the Global Green Gangsters were hot in pursuit of those dastardly Canadian Ninjas. All of these things will see a dramatic new chapter in the last two volumes of our recap, but first let's focus on Volume 56, the first show of the Sunday tapings. I would say that it is the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of the world, but that would make it really hard to convince you to come back for Volume 4, so just read on already!

April 19, 2013

The Shimmer Volume 55 Wrap Up (Even More) Spectacular

Evening, cats and kittens, and welcome back for another episode of SHIM WORLD. When we last left you, intrigue had begun to abound about what the rest of the Shimmer weekend would hold. After she was left lying once again by the underhanded tricks of Jessicka Havok and her minions, will Serena Deeb be able to summon the fire necessary to ward off this giant outsider? Or would she be the first of many conquests on Havoks road to Shimmer dominance. DUN DUN DUN! The Global Green gangsters have worked their way into the tag team title scene, only to come against the champions, who know every trick in the book. Will Skater and Nakagawa be able to channel their own heelish demons to overcome one of the greatest tag team obstacles the wrestling world? Or will yet another babyface dream die to the tune of Funky Cold Medina? DUN DUN DUN! And as she rides a wave of momentum that could make or break her career, will Courtney Rush capitalize on her number one contendership victory and unseat the reigning queen of independent wrestling? Or will she just wind up as just one more smear on the curb? DUN DUN DUN AGAIN!

Just Imagine This Small Child Is Courtney Rush.

It's Shimmer weekend part two, boys and girls. And it's about to get ROWDY.

April 18, 2013

The Shimmer Volume 54 Wrap Up Spectacular

Good afternoon, boys and girls. You may not be aware of this, but this past weekend one of the most hotly anticipated indie wrestling events of the year took place, as the finest women's wrestlers from all over the world converged on Berwyn, IL for the Spring Shimmer tapings. If you've never seen Shimmer before and have no idea what I'm talking about, Shimmer is the biggest all female promotion in the United States and has become one of the most important hubs of international wrestling in the country. Competitors from Japan, Australia, New Zealand, England, Ireland, and Canada came to meet America's best that you might be familiar with from promotions like WWE, TNA, ROH, CZW and pretty much everywhere else that people kick each other in the face.

In Japan, Face Kicking Is How Women Say Hello.

So yeah, Shimmer is pretty much completely awesome, and since there are only two Shimmer events a year, (they tape 4 shows at each one,) it's a pretty significant event. So since Mrs. Cewsh, DDT and I were at the shows, just like we are pretty much every single time, we're bringing you a snazzy report on what the women of Shimmer got up to over the weekend. This is the first of four recaps you'll be getting this week, going from today to Sunday, documenting the events of each show and letting you in on the worst kept secret in independent wrestling.

Spoiler Alert: IT'S FUCKING FANTASTIC.

April 17, 2013

WWE Wrestlemania XXIX

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE Wrestlemania XXIX


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the coolest cats this side of a serial killer's refrigerator  Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we all don our tuxedos and evening dresses for the fanciest and most prestigious night of the wrestling year. Come be thrilled as our monocles pop out in amazement, come be dazzled as our silken fans flutter to calm our enraged emotions, and come be confused as you try to figure out how you feel about Vice in an evening gown. However you come join us, and for whatever reason, we have our most jam packed, star studded gala event of the season ready and waiting for you to partake of. Will John Cena embrace the hate and finally get redemption for his greatest failure? Will Triple H's career survive the horrific machination of a deranged monster? Will CM Punk be the man who forever tarnishes the greatest statistic in wrestling history? Is anyone else even on this show? There's only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

April 6, 2013

Wrestlemania 29 Preview

Hey boys and girls. So I hear that there's this big show coming up tomorrow. Kind of sort of the biggest wrestling show of the year or something? Well as odd as it might be to think of for some of us, not everyone follows the Road To Wrestlemania with the level of scrutiny and poetic craftsmanship as we do, and they might be looking at this card wondering what in the hell is going on and why they should care.

"Seriously, Is This More Of A Nacho Cheese Show, Or A Cool Ranch Show?"

As professional blog journalists, we've made it our goal to be there for you in times of great strife and uncertainty, just like this one. But while we could easily bang out 10,000 words about why Big E Langston's pecs look like someone stuffed watermelon in sideways and covered it with balloons; we're going to take this opportunity to highlight a terrific up and coming blogger named G9Z as he leads us through the Wrestlemania build up for some of the biggest matches, and gives you his thoughts on who will win and why. This guy is no joke, and we consider his blog, (which you will read by clicking on this link BECAUSE I SAID SO,) to be the more respectable brother to Cewsh Reviews. He'll be examining the match ups this year based on the guys with prior performances, and how they got here. So now I'll leave you in G9Z's capable hands, and go drink myself into the kind of stupor normally reserved for back to back TNA shows. God I love delegating.

April 5, 2013

WWE Elimination Chamber 2013

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE ELIMINATION CHAMBER 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the blog that is still a rat in a cage despite all of it's rage, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we take the last speed bump on the Road To Wrestlemania at full speed and cover WWE's Elimination Chamber 2013. As the biggest wrestling show of the year comes up quickly, the hopefuls who would like to secure their spot in history have to pass through enormous challenges and physical peril in order to get there, and that's including the ones who don't have to be in a ring with Brodus Clay. We have CM Punk, on the brink of insanity, battling to regain the championship that he held for all of 2012, the Rock looking to hold onto his newly found validation, and a whole bunch of guys ready to suffer through the elimination chamber for a last chance shot at history. Bodies will be broken, spirits will be crushed, and remotes will be throw at tvs, because this is the night that means everything for these boys and girls. Who will be left out in the cold? Only one way to find out.

Oh, and fair warning. There will be rhyming. Oh yes, there will be rhyming. I apologize in advance.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

March 26, 2013

TNA Lockdown 2013

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents...

TNA Lockdown 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that have their own special room in the psych ward for when reviews go wrong, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we induct another show into the 5 Times Reviewed Club, namely TNA Lockdown 2013. Now we have had a long and sordid relationship with TNA over the years, as you well know. We've laughed, we've cried, we've cried more, we've thrown shoes at tvs, it's all very melodramatic. And last year we made the decree that we would only review the major TNA events because the product had become virtually unwatchable. TNA has obliged us by cutting their PPV schedule down dramatically, but this is still the first time that we've visited the house that Jarrett built in a good long time. And the last time we visited, (TNA Bound For Glory 2012,) it was probably the angriest review that we have ever done. But hey, 6 months can change quite a bit. So let's see what we've got here. Jeff Hardy as champion. Lethal Lockdown match featuring Eric Young as the dangerous wild card. Aces and Eights. Brooke Hogan. Chavo Guerrero. Okay. Um, right. Shit. Well, hell, let's just go for it and hope for the best. After all, if TNA has proven one thing again and again, for better and for worse, it's that they always have the ability to surprise us.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

March 24, 2013

7 Reasons Alberto Del Rio Should Stay Champion

Hey boys and girls. As we roll on toward the glory and splendor of WrestleMania, I'd like to take a moment to focus on a match that is being kicked under the carpet a bit in the lead up to the event. I'm talking about the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match between Jack Swagger and Alberto Del Rio, and more specifically, I'm talking about how and why Del Rio should retain his title next Sunday, against the powerful forces of Dr. America and his sidekick, The Mustache Kid.


Warning: This Man Is Not A Licensed Doctor Or Country.

I'm going to hit you with seven reasons why Alberto Del Rio should not only retain the title at WrestleMania, but should go right on holding it on into the future. And no, his dazzling smile didn't even make the list.

(This article was previously seen on Bleacher Report. It has been altered from that version.)

March 11, 2013

NJPW Wrestle Kingdom VII

New Japan Professional Wrestling Proudly Presents...

NJPW Wrestle Kingdom VII


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that take 2 months to get Japan and back, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we travel back to Japan for what has become easily the second largest and most significant event of the wrestling year, NJPW Wrestle Kingdom VII. Over the past few years, New Japan Pro Wrestling has transformed itself from the least rotten apple in a rotten bunch of Japanese promotions to I don't even know man. Some kind of super apple? An apple stuffed with diamonds or something? I'm not Dr Analogy, guys. Anyway, New Japan has been on a roll completely unmatched by any wrestling company since the Attitude Era, and now we've come to their version of the Rock vs. Steve Austin at their version of Wrestlemania. Yeah, it's that on. Okada and Tanahashi are going to meet tonight in one of the biggest and most important matches of this decade. But hey, that's only one match on one of the most stacked cards of the year. Want to see if this is all just empty hype? Well then read on, boys and girls. You won't be disappointed.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

February 17, 2013

The 10 Best Performences of The Rock

Afternoon again, intrepid travelers of the internets, and welcome to yet another installment of the Cewsh Reviews Sunday Supplements. In the past we've done everything here from listing the worst outfits in wrestling history, to doing a minute by minute breakdown of 12 Rounds where John Cena is the villain. And while these are all good times, the one thing they aren't is rich with actual professional wrestling matches. So we ALSO have a series where we document the top 10 matches of a particular wrestler, to let you know which matches are required viewing if you're new to their work, or at the very least, to give you something to argue about. And so it's appropriate that today's subject of focus is going to be the man who has returned to the top of the wrestling world, the Rock.

He Is Training Diligently.

Now what makes the Rock an interesting case is that his actual in ring skill has debated hotly among wrestling fans ever since he first broke onto the scene. He's been praised, derided, insulted, and had his ass polished, all in equal measure. So today, we're going to put aside all of the baggage and nostalgia that comes from talking about this man, and break right on through to his 10 best performances inside of a wrestling ring. These are the moments where he shined the brightest and brought it the most. And if we're doing our job right, you're in for some surprises.

WWE Royal Rumble 2013

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE ROYAL RUMBLE 2013


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviews that will hide under the ring until all the other reviews are eliminated, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we have finally reached what many people consider to be the funnest and most interesting wrestling event of the year, the Royal Rumble. And this one is shaping up to be a doozy, which 30 men ready to enter and seemingly 10 odds on favorites to win. Will the monster Ryback destroy everything in his first Rumble match? Will John Cena erase the stink of 2012 with some redemption? Will Heath Slater make it all the way to the ring before someone beats him up? All great questions. And, for once, the Rumble isn't the only place for rampant speculation and interest. Because we will also see the match up that would have blown 2003 Cewsh's mind out of his ears, CM Punk vs. The Rock. Will Punk rise to the challenge and hold off the greatest threat to his title in his entire 400+ day reign? Or will The Rock find his inner champion one more time and show that he's still as good as it gets? How many more questions can I pack into this intro? I don't know?!

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

January 29, 2013

WWE TLC 2012

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE TLC 2012

Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of the reviews that steal the show AND sell it on the black market, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we return to the industry leader in wrestling entertainment for their 2012 close out spectacular, WWE Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2012. The December pay per view has always had a peculiar place in the WWE hierarchy, as it not only ends the calender year, but is the proverbial last stop before we begin WWE's premier attraction, the Road to Wrestlemania. Since new things are about to begin, TLC is about shuffling the necessary pieces into position for the big pushes to come, and about blowing off 2012 feuds that won't be continuing on into 2013. Of course, it's also about seeing people climb ladders, get hit with chairs and fall through tables, sometimes in that exact order. So with a show that is surprisingly stocked with meaningful matches, and on a night where multiple young stars get a chance to truly make a name for themselves, (more on that later,) we have ourselves what may be the most interesting show since Extreme Rules. But with the scourge of TNA's Bound For Glory fresh in the memory, the question must be asked. Can WWE actually capitalize on this opportunity, or will they blow it all to hell in a blaze of whatever the opposite of glory is? As always, there's only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

January 27, 2013

The Official 2013 Royal Rumble Betting Guide

Evening, cats and kittens. I've brought you here today because we sit on the eve of one of the greatest nights in the entire wrestling year, the Royal Rumble. And while all week you'e no doubt been inundated by countless previews and predictions and all that jazz, our voice has been very carefully quiet on the issue. That is because the statistical geniuses at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters have been crunching the numbers to determine what the odds of each member of the WWE roster winning the Royal Rumble really is.

Look, Science Is A Process Okay?

Through this studious research, we have been able to separate the entire roster of the WWE, (and likely potential surprise entrants,) into four categories. Category 1 is "Yeah, Probably" and includes everyone with better than 10/1 odds. Category 2 is "Not So Much" and includes everyone with better than 20/1 odds. Category 3 is "Not Unless Everyone Else Gets Hit By A Bus" and includes everyone with better than 100/1 odds. And Category 4 is "Ahahahahahahahaha No" which includes everyone else. By keeping an eye on these categories and the logical advice they offer, you should be in great shape to win whatever bets that your friends force on you. And if using the advice and reasoning contained here results in you winning millions of dollars from back alley gambling rings, don't forget to cut your boy a little taste. I'd hate to have to rat you out to the mob.

January 20, 2013

The 4th Annual CR Year End Awards

Welcome cats and kittens to the fourth annual Cewsh Reviews End of Year Awards. As we ring in the 5th (!) year of Cewsh Reviews, it only makes sense to take a look back on the things that defined the past year. There were incredible matches that took your breath away, shocking moments that tested the narrative truth of jaws actually hitting floors, and things that were so goddamn awful that my I've been using the rag they gave me to power my coffee maker for months now. So despite the fact that we're almost a month into the new year, (I was in a coma after knife fighting a wildebeest ) tonight we'll celebrate the best and worst of it all, and put 2012 to rest in the most dignified way possible.

NOT HELPFUL, TNA.

Now, if you've read our end of year awards before, you already know that we don't do things like any old wrestling blog off the street. Oh no, we use math. And through the use of this ancient and mysterious method, we'll see just who was REALLY the best, worst and Tanookiest of them all. How can math help us after all the times it betrayed us in school? Well...

January 18, 2013

WWE Survivor Series 2012

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE Survivor Series 2012


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that taste better the next day, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you to tonight, as we tackle one the oldest and most venerable active shows in existence with WWE Survivor Series 2012. Despite this pay per view having some rough times in the past few years, it has sort of become the show that gives you the first hints of what you're likely to see come Wrestlemania season. WWE is starting to move the right pieces into place for the biggest push of their lives, and if we can take the build to this show to be representative of that, then Wrestlemania will be renamed RYBACKAMANIA any day now. And it is here that Ryback will get his second chance at the greatest prize in wrestling, as he goes head to head with the two biggest stars in WWE in a triple threat match that could well have era spanning ramifications. Add on to that some good ol' fashioned elimination matches and literally the biggest test of Sheamus' career, and we may just have ourselves a show.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

January 13, 2013

WWE Night of Champions 2012

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS 2012


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviews that bring home the bacon and have terrible cholesterol, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we cover a show that's so goddamn gold that Indiana Jones will be questing for it 20 years from now, WWE Night of Champions 2012. Now then, we all know that the summer months have been more than a bit dreary and dull, but as we roll into fall, things are going to start to get interesting and it starts at the top. After all, a newly heel turned, (and Paul Heyman managed,) CM Punk is running roughshod across the main event these days, and now his arch rival John Cena has stepped up to the plate for one more epic match. If Punk beats Cena, he finally gets the respect he deserves, and if Cena beats Punk he finally redeems the least successful year of his career since he started rapping. But there's more on the line here than just those two jokers. We've got Irishmen fighting Mexicans, we've got spirited attempts to pretend that the lesser divisions matter, and, perhaps most importantly, we have a performance that absolutely stole the show. Who gave it? Well, as always, there's only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!

January 5, 2013

Cewsh Scouts New Japan

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another of our invigorating Sunday Supplements. You may remember that a month or two ago Psycho and I went in depth in breaking down the talent of tomorrow when we did a scouting report on WWE's developmental program, NXT. The response this got was staggering, as people seemed genuinely fascinated to finally get some detailed information about guys they had only heard of, if that, but who would soon be gracing their television screens. (It didn't hurt that the Shield and Big E Langston were called up mere weeks afterwards.) So to continue along the lines of helping to shed some light on parts of the wrestling world that many fans never get a chance to see, this week we're going to be focusing on the Japanese powerhouse that is New Japan Pro Wrestling.

The Official Wrestling Promotion Of House Lannister.

To those of you who don't follow Japanese wrestling, New Japan is a true giant in the wrestling world, surpassed internationally only by WWE and growing with each new day. They've taken a dominant hold of the entire Japanese market with a crop of stars that were either students or unknowns when the last great era of Japanese wrestling was going on. But who are these people who have taken New Japan from Antonio Inoki's great practical joke to the world to a thriving promotion hot on WWE's heels? Well, with the biggest show in wrestling barring Wrestlemania, (NJPW Wrestle Kingdom VII,) having just passed, let's evaluate them, shall we? And hell, with Defrost along for the ride, we'll even use the famous 5 star system instead of grades.