Only One Man Is Qualified To Do The Tanahashi Name Justice In 2013.
Oh, and why is it called the Tanahashi Cup? Well we named it after the sexiest male wrestler alive, who we had to remove from the competition, lest it make it unfair to everyone else. We believe that fairness will take you everywhere in life. Well, that and a great set of abs.
Alright, now here's the background for this. We formed a bracket so that we could pit these guys against one another tournament style for maximum drama. Each section of the bracket represents a different part of the wrestling world, including the United States, Japan, Mexico and Team International, (everything else.) This is based on where these wrestlers are originally from. Then we had a gigantic fight over which 8 wrestlers from each area would get into the tournament. We went down every roster of every major promotion and whoever got the most votes in each area got in. So if you think some of the choices are unusual, or don't agree with them yourself, just remember that we are taking into account what women think is sexy, what straight men think is sexy, and what your very excited bisexual host thinks is sexy. If nothing else, I promise that this will serve as a fascinating study of how different each of those sides can think about the same person.
In other words, this is science, motherfuckers. Don't argue with the facts.
Now then, let's blow through these first round matchups.
Round 1 - Japan Division
Kazuchika Okada
vs.
Kota Ibushi
Cewsh: Okada
Fae: Okada
Mrs. Cewsh: Ibushi
Straight Man #1: Okada
Straight Man #2: Okada
Cewsh: The Rainmaker makes quick work of the teen idol here. If Okada actually won a tournament named after Tanahashi to take his crown, that would be so ridiculously appropriate that I would accuse myself of rigging this.
OKADA MOVES ON, 4-1!
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KUSHIDA
vs.
Naomichi Marufuji
Cewsh: Marufuji
Fae: Marufuji
Mrs. Cewsh: Marufuji
Straight Man #1: Marufuji
Straight Man #2: Marufuji
Cewsh: Poor KUSHIDA.
MARUFUJI MOVES ON, 5-0!
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Masahiro Chono
vs.
KENTA
Cewsh: Chono
Fae: Chono
Mrs. Cewsh: Chono
Straight Man #1: Chono
Straight Man #2: Chono
Cewsh: If you learn nothing else from this tournament, remember this: women LOVE old guys.
CHONO MOVES ON, 5-0!
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Keiji Mutoh
vs.
BxB Hulk
Cewsh: Hulk
Fae: Mutoh
Mrs. Cewsh: Mutoh
Straight Man #1: Mutoh
Straight Man #2: Mutoh
Cewsh: See?
MUTOH MOVES ON, 4-1!
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Round 1 - Mexico Division
La Sombra
vs.
Valiente
Cewsh: Valiente
Fae: La Sombra
Mrs. Cewsh: La Sombra
Straight Man #1: Valiente
Straight Man #2: La Sombra
Cewsh Note: First of all, it's really hard to make a list of attractive people whose faces you never see. And second of all, I know he's a tubby bastard, but my love for Valiente will never die.
LA SOMBRA MOVES ON, 3-2!
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Alberto Del Rio
vs.
Mistico II
Cewsh: Del Rio
Fae: Mistico
Mrs. Cewsh: Del Rio
Straight Man #1: Mistico
Straight Man #2: Mistico
Cewsh: Having to decide here hurt Fae so much that she mulled it over for several minutes and refused to look at the bracket afterwards. We made fun of her, but we all have those moments coming.
MISTICO II MOVES ON, 3-2!
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Perro Aguayo Jr.
vs.
Cewsh: Aguayo
Fae: Mascara
Mrs. Cewsh: Mascara
Straight Man #1: Mascara
Straight Man #2: Mascara
Cewsh: Perro Aguayo in that picture looks like Inigo Montoya on the cover of Beefcake Magazine. Somehow, that did not help him.
LA MASCARA MOVES ON, 4-1!
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vs.
Cewsh: Daga
Fae: Rojo Jr.
Mrs. Cewsh: Daga
Straight Man #1: Daga
Straight Man #2: Rojo Jr.
Cewsh: In a matchup of abs vs. abs, abs always wins. Unless it's Joey Abs. Joey Abs never, ever wins.
DAGA MOVES ON, 3-2!
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Round 1 - United States Division
vs.
Cewsh: Reigns
Fae: Ziggler
Mrs. Cewsh: Reigns
Straight Man #1: Ziggler
Straight Man #2: Ziggler
Cewsh: One of the big surprises to come out of this tournament was finding out that everyone finds Dolph Ziggler wildly attractive, even though he's rarely mentioned in that context. Knocking off the Samoan man with the pretty eyes has to be counted as an upset.
ZIGGLER MOVES ON, 3-2!
----------------------------------
vs.
Cewsh: Cole
Fae: Orton
Mrs. Cewsh: Orton
Straight Man #1: Cole
Straight Man #2: Orton
Cewsh Note: Coming into this tournament, Mrs. Cewsh only wanted to vote for two people: Randy Orton and Adam Cole. When the random draw put them against each other, she started glaring at me and hasn't stopped ever since.
ORTON MOVES ON, 3-2!
----------------------------------
vs.
Cewsh: Triple H
Fae: Steamboat
Mrs. Cewsh: Triple H
Straight Man #1: Steamboat
Straight Man #2: Steamboat
Cewsh Note: I feel like the inclusion of Triple H might puzzle people, as he has often been made fun of for his nose, haircut, etc. I suggest you go and ask your wife, girlfriend, mother or sister about Triple H. Just be aware that what you hear might be accompanied by the word, "UNF" and odd moaning noises. But even that doesn't help him here.
STEAMBOAT MOVES ON, 3-2!
----------------------------------
vs.
Cewsh: Otunga
Fae: Otunga
Mrs. Cewsh: Otunga
Straight Man #1: Otunga
Straight Man #2: Otunga
Cewsh Note: Xavier Woods squeaked in after about a 115 way tie for the last spot in this tournament. I hope it's a proud moment for him that he got included at all, because he was miles out of his league here.
OTUNGA MOVES ON, 5-0!
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Round 1 - International Division
vs.
Cewsh: Devitt
Fae: Zayn
Mrs. Cewsh: Devitt
Straight Man #1: Zayn
Straight Man #2: Zayn
Cewsh Note: So begins the remarkable performance of Sami Zayn in this tournament. Did you know that straight men LOVE Sami Zayn? I think he makes them feel safe and cuddly. If you're a straight man, you'll probably also be in love with him by the end of this tournament.
ZAYN MOVES ON, 3-2!
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vs.
Cewsh: McIntyre
Fae: McIntyre
Mrs. Cewsh: McIntyre
Straight Man #1: McIntyre
Straight Man #2: McIntyre
Cewsh: Kofi Kingston looks really good in that picture and ridiculously goofy in every single other one I could find.
MCINTYRE MOVES ON, 5-0!
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vs.
Cewsh: Roode
Fae: Magnus
Mrs. Cewsh: Magnus
Straight Man #1: Magnus
Straight Man #2: Magnus
Cewsh: This is the tie that completely destroyed me. Making a decision here nearly short circuited my brain, but Magnus is just too pretty to take a first round loss. If Bobby Roode needs to be comforted after this devastating defeat, I am available to fly to Canada.
MAGNUS MOVES ON, 4-1!
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vs.
Cewsh: Barrett
Fae: Gabriel
Mrs. Cewsh: Barrett
Straight Man #1: Barrett
Straight Man #2: Barrett
Cewsh: Now this is a conflict of types. Barrett is your big, tough muscle guy and Gabriel is your fresh faced, perfect haired pretty boy. As you might expect, the men skewed towards the tough guy.
BARRETT MOVES ON, 4-1!
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Alright, that's the end of round 1. Everyone all good and outraged over one of the picks? Perfect. Onwards to round 2!
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Round 2 - Japan Division
Kazuchika Okada
vs.
vs.
Naomichi Marufuji
Cewsh: Marufuji
Fae: Okada
Mrs. Cewsh: Okada
Straight Man #1: Okada
Straight Man #2: Okada
Cewsh: Well fine then, jerks. SEE IF I CARE ABOUT YOUR OKADA CLUB.
OKADA MOVES ON, 4-1!
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Masahiro Chono
vs.
Keiji Mutoh
Cewsh: Chono
Fae: Chono
Mrs. Cewsh: Chono
Straight Man #1: Chono
Straight Man #2: Chono
Cewsh: In a battle of old men, he with the most hair survives.
CHONO MOVES ON, 5-0!
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Round 2 - Mexico Division
La Sombra
vs.
Mistico II
Cewsh: Mistico II
Fae: Mistico II
Mrs. Cewsh: Mistico II
Straight Man #1: Mistico II
Straight Man #2: Mistico II
Cewsh: True story. Every time Fae sees that picture of Mistico II she starts to blush. I'm not saying that you should abuse that knowledge for you own personal gain. I'm just saying that I totally do.
MISTICO II MOVES ON, 5-0!
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vs.
Cewsh: Daga
Fae: Mascara
Mrs. Cewsh: Daga
Straight Man #1: Mascara
Straight Man #2: Daga
Cewsh: La Mascara's stubborn insistence on wearing a shirt may have cost him dearly here.
DAGA MOVES ON, 3-2!
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Round 2 - United States Division
vs.
Cewsh: Ziggler
Fae: Orton
Mrs. Cewsh: Orton
Straight Man #1: Ziggler
Straight Man #2: Ziggler
Cewsh: Now this might be the biggest shocker of the entire tournament. Randy Orton was the clear favorite coming in, and he certainly had the female vote here. When I gave my swing vote to Ziggler, Mrs. Cewsh immediately began drawing up our divorce papers.
ZIGGLER MOVES ON, 3-2!
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vs.
Cewsh: Otunga
Fae: Steamboat
Mrs. Cewsh: Steamboat
Straight Man #1: Otunga
Straight Man #2: Steamboat
Cewsh: These two had an epic clash to determine who is the sexiest jobber in WWE. Ultimately Steamboat won it, no matter how many times I demanded a recount.
STEAMBOAT MOVES ON, 3-2!
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Round 2 - International Division
vs.
Cewsh: Zayn
Fae: Zayn
Mrs. Cewsh: McIntyre
Straight Man #1: Zayn
Straight Man #2: Zayn
Cewsh: WHAT IS GOING ON?! Who did Sami Zayn bribe to make it to the elite eight of this tournament?
ZAYN MOVES ON, 4-1!
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vs.
Cewsh: Magnus
Fae: Magnus
Mrs. Cewsh: Magnus
Straight Man #1: Magnus
Straight Man #2: Magnus
Cewsh: Magnus is a runaway freight train right now. I'd say that he looks unbeatable at this point, but he has that mega dreamboat Sami Zayn in the next round.
MAGNUS MOVES ON, 5-0!
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Alright, on to the elite eight, where we will determine who will represent each of the divisions in the final four. Lock in your bets now, kids.
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Quarter Finals - Japan Division
Kazuchika Okada
vs.
vs.
Masahiro Chono
Cewsh: Okada
Fae: Chono
Mrs. Cewsh: Chono
Straight Man #1: Okada
Straight Man #2: Okada
Cewsh: Women like old men, but gentlemen prefer rainmakers.
OKADA MOVES ON, 3-2!
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Quarter Finals - Mexico Division
Mistico II
vs.
Cewsh: Mistico II
Fae: Mistico II
Mrs. Cewsh: Mistico II
Straight Man #1: Mistico II
Straight Man #2: Mistico II
Cewsh: Mistico II is straight up dominating people, which is impressive since he's wearing a goddamn mask and everything. I would say that this has something to do with how we aren't shallow and can see the beauty within, but are you looking at those abs right now? The man is a walking action figure.
MISTICO II MOVES ON, 5-0!
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Quarter Finals - United States Division
vs.
Cewsh: Ziggler
Fae: Ziggler
Mrs. Cewsh: Ziggler
Straight Man #1: Ziggler
Straight Man #2: Ziggler
Cewsh: Raise your hand if you had Dolph Ziggler as the American sexiness champion. Now put your hand down again because you're a goddamn liar.
ZIGGLER MOVES ON, 5-0!
------------------------------
Quarter Finals - International Division
vs.
Cewsh: Magnus
Fae: Magnus
Mrs. Cewsh: Magnus
Straight Man #1: Magnus
Straight Man #2: Zayn
Cewsh: No shame in that, Sami. You did your best and you clearly paid a huge sack of bribe money, but nobody is getting past the Magnum Train.
MAGNUS MOVES ON, 4-1!
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Alright, we're down to the final four. Okada, Mistico II, Ziggler and Magnus. These are some damn good looking men, but only two of them can meet in the finals for sexual supremacy. Who will win the battles of divisions?
-----------------------------------
Japan vs. Mexico
Kazuchika Okada
vs.
Mistico II
Cewsh: Okada
Fae: Mistico II
Mrs. Cewsh: Mistico II
Straight Man #1: Okada
Straight Man #2: Mistico II
Cewsh: I'm calling this a pretty huge upset, as Okada misses out on following in the great footsteps of Tanahashi and loses to the Mexican Megahunk. Mistico II is through to the finals, and he's going to have a tough run against whoever wins over there.
MISTICO II MOVES ON, 3-2!
-----------------------------------
United States vs. International
vs.
Cewsh: Ziggler
Fae: Ziggler
Mrs. Cewsh: Magnus
Straight Man #1: Ziggler
Straight Man #2: Magnus
Cewsh: WOW. This is the upset of the century. This is like David beating Goliath if it involved more flexing and baby oil. Dolph Ziggler improbably wins through to the finals after having by far the hardest competition all the way through. Magnus, on the other hand, is back to the drawing board for some more sit ups and a year to muse over this stinging defeat.
ZIGGLER MOVES ON, 3-2!
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Here we are, the finals. No doubt by now your blood pressure is through the roof and you're dying to garrote us with your mouse. But regardless, we are one step away from crowning the Sexiest Male Wrestler of 2013. Will it be the Show Off or the Mystical Man? The United States or Mexico?
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The Finals of the 2013 Tanahashi Cup
United States vs. Mexico
United States vs. Mexico
vs.
Mistico II
Cewsh: Ziggler
Fae: Mistico II
Mrs. Cewsh: Ziggler
Straight Man #1: Ziggler
Straight Man #2: Ziggler
Cewsh: U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A. And Dolph Ziggler officially wins the first ever Tanahashi Cup, and is crowned the sexiest man in the wrestling world for 2013. His duties will include taking his shirt off at every opportunity and occasionally slipping and falling in baby oil for our entertainment.
ZIGGLER WINS, 4-1!
And here is the final bracket for your records. See you next year! Please don't hurt us!
6 comments:
I'm still unhappy about Mistico II losing this.
Cewsh I'm dying to read your Summerslam 2013 review.
Wow. Surprising how far a great review blog can fall...
Dang, this blog sucks now.
And no, Super Cewsh, defender of all misunderstood minorities, not for any homophobic reason. No one wants to read this crap. Stick to what you're good at: funny reviews about shows that happened months/years ago.
i enjoyed it - i watch puroresu and lucha libre enough to appreciate the rest of non north american wrestlers on this list. how about a heel or face tourney next? my vote goes to Terrible or Iizuka for heel and Tanahashi for face. LOL
I was shocked Zigs got past Reigns in Round One. But he is a sexy one when hes not that red-orange color. Also ASS ROLL.
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