WWE Royal Rumble 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Royal Rumble 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment the Academy Award nominated (even though we’re just going to lose to Avatar), Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you as we roll up our sleeves and prepare to get busy with our favorite event of the year, the WWE Royal Rumble 2010. There’s a mystique about the Royal Rumble that has been built through years and years of amazing and unforgettable memories that surround the event, and in preparation for this year to provide us with even more, we’ve bolstered our ranks with a guest reviewer. We are joined this night by none other than the Bodacious Bookworm himself, the Prodigious Prognosticator, the Scottish Scholar, our beloved MichaelC, and he’s here to be our official Royal Rumble historian for the evening.

There's At Least A 36% Chance This Is What He Looks Like.

Naturally that’s not all, though, as we here at Cewsh Review Headquarters do things up right at this time of year, and Ms. Cewsh and Vice will be joining us as well to provide their unique view on events as they unfold.

So is Shawn Michaels going to get his shot at the Undertaker at Wrestlemania? Will the Undertaker even still be champion after tonight? And who will step up to be the standout performer in this year’s Rumble, giving us a moment we’ll never forget? As always, for you, and for us, there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

PWG KURT RUSSELLMANIA 2010

Pro Wrestling Guerilla Proudly Presents…
 PWG Kurt Russellmania 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the often deceiving Cewsh Reviews. Now to some of you we promised a mano e mano battle of wills between Vice and I in a debate to the finish. That won’t be happening until later (though we have the final list of debate topics determined and we’ll be posting those later), so to apologize for getting your hopes up, we’ll be instead delivering a review of a show of such awesome proportions that it defies the powers of mere mortals to comprehend. Luckily, as Cewsh Reviews fans, you are endowed with superhuman intelligence and taste, and therefore can understand that this show is what would happen if you took the combined awesomeness of Kurt Russell and Wrestlemania and threw them together at high speed. You may recall that we previously reviewed a PWG show a year or so ago, and you may have considered it our definitive word on the promotion but not so fast my friend (as Mel Kiper might say), this time, for THIS show, we have Jushin Thunder Liger, the Great Muta, Rob Van Dam, Super Crazy and the one night only reuniting of Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Yeah, you just read that. This show has more awesome on it than ACTUAL Wrestlemania.

In other words, the mere touching of your monitor while reading this review may cause the sprouting of chest hair and the growth of an extra testicle. We do not apologize for these effects, even in females, because YEAH MAN KURT RUSSELLMANIA WOOOO.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

TNA Genesis 2010

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA GENESIS 2010

Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Golden Globe winningest (as if anybody cares) review blog in all the land, Cewsh Reviews! We’ve got a special treat for you tonight, as on the heels of that electric Monday night at the beginning of the month where TNA and WWE did battle head to head, TNA will try to capitalize on that momentum tonight with their first PPV of the year, TNA Genesis 2010. Now we here at Cewsh Reviews were pretty hard on their Monday Night offering, thinking it was pretty much an unqualified mess all around, but TNA does still have a streak of two phenomenal pay per views in a row to build on, and excitement remains high for the first show of the Hogan administration. Will they be able to keep up their incredible momentum? Will Hogan put his stamp on this show in some definitive way? Will anybody actually do any wrestling this time? There’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

The Monday Night Wars Take Two

World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Present…

Raw vs. Impact

The Monday Night War: Take Two.

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the sexiest wrestling reviews this side of the Rio Grande, Cewsh Reviews. Tonight we ACTUALLY have a special treat for you as we analyze and break down perhaps one of the most important (and certainly one of the most hyped) nights in wrestling history, as TNA steps up to the plate and formally challenges WWE for the first time ever. On that Monday night, on January 4th, the wrestling industry changed. But did it change for the better? Did TNA establish themselves as credible contenders to the throne? Did WWE stave off their hungrier counterparts? Well questions like that are why you have such clever and amazing people to watch this stuff for you. Even if they aren’t here, and you’re stuck with us.

The basic idea here is that we’ll review the shows chronologically, starting with TNA (which went 3 hours instead of 2 and started an hour before WWE), and compare the two shows side by side as they happen, comparing segments and determining which show was superior in head to head segments. Bear in mind as we go through that our copies of these shows have no commercials, so the times may not line up with what you watched on television. We’ll also rate the matches, and at the end form our definitive conclusions as to who won the first battle of this wrestling war. Make sense? Excellent.

So tonight we shrug off our usual format and our usual trappings and embrace a (one time only) change, just as the wrestling industry has. Tonight we break down a night for the ages minute by minute to cover every last detail of this historic evening. Tonight we review and muse upon the acts of immortals locked in the battle of a generation.

Tonight, we do a motherfucking review.

To Be Continued »

NJPW Wrestle Kingdom IV

New Japan Professional Wrestling and Pro Wrestling NOAH Proudly Present…

NJPW Wrestle Kingdom IV

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the most valuable (only in mint condition) wrestling review blog on all of the interwebs, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you, as we travel to the mysterious land of Japan in search of more wrestling greatness and wrestling oddities in a show called NJPW Wrestle Kingdom IV. You might be thinking to yourself “Cewsh, you review Japanese wrestling shows all the time, and I have no idea who these people with the funny names are. What makes this such a special treat?” Well let me try to put this in context for you. Imagine the WWE Invasion of the early 2000’s. Remember how we got a few dream matches like Hogan/Rock, Hardy/RVD, and Booker T/Rock, but they spread them wayyyy out until they lost all context? Well imagine if they threw all those matches on one fucking show and there was literally no tomorrow, as there would be one winner and one definite loser decided in one place on one night.

Such is the situation here as NJPW, the king of wrestling in Japan, is attempts to stave off the invasion of promotion number two, Pro Wrestling NOAH, in a series of matches pitting the top stars and best of the best against each other to decide which promotion is truly the greatest Japanese wrestling promotion of today. It may be under the NJPW banner here, but this is no foregone conclusion, and it all makes for one of the most exciting wrestling shows of the year.

Don’t believe me? Well kick back, relax, and let the immortal Defrost and I take you on a rollercoaster of thrills and excitement, that may make occasionally stops at Dunkin Donuts to placate Team 3D.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

Vice's 2009 Year End Awards.

Unlike Cewsh, I don't hand out actual scores for individual matches, so I don't really have any hard statistics to come up with stuff for "Best" categories. I just have favorites. I should point out that year end awards are very difficult for me to do, because I don't have any concept of time. To prove that, one of my very first thoughts for favorite match of this year was actually from 2007. You could say that my memory is similar to that of a goldfish. Ironically, the only thing that can truly help solve my memory problems is something that commonly destroys short term memory. Life, right?

And this is late because I wanted to wait until the veeeeeery end of the year before reaching conclusions. If you believed that, I may as well tell you that the Tooth Fairy is real, and that she's actually a prostitute named Janet who lives in New York. Yes, Vice is lazy. Also, I don't know who the fuck came up with the idea of doing extra stuff on Sundays, because my Sundays are very similar to the life of Al Bundy. Fending off women with a hand halfway down my pants, watching bad television and eating, is the best way to live life.

Anyway, I haz awordz and you can haz them two.

To Be Continued »

The 1st Annual CR Year End Awards

Welcome cats and kittens to the very first annual Cewsh Reviews End Of Year Awards extravaganza. Now if you're a good little member of the Vice Brigade, you already read Ms. Cewsh's awards last week and got an idea for how this sort of thing goes, but just in case, here's a refresher We've reviewed dozens of matches and shows from all over the world this year to come to these conclusions, so if you were wondering whether or not we pulled them entirely out of our asses, well, probably not. You know, depending on whether or not we were feeling lazy that day.

The basic idea, for those of you late to the party, is that all three of us will use the same awards from the first two categories (Good and Bad), and then go off on whatever wackiness we want for the final category (The aptly named Tanooki). The complicated bits are the Best and Worst Wrestler of the Year awards, so listen up. I took the scores I gave every single match had this year, and averaged the scores of every eligible wrestler. To become eligible you must have wrestled at least 3 matches that we reviewed.

By the end of the process there were over 140 candidates for Best and Worst, and you can do the math for yourself by downloading this handy copy of the scoring sheet. The wrestlers are ranked in order by the their average scores from the Best of the Year, to the bitter end.

CLICK ME! I'll Be Your Best Friend!

Alright, everybody good? Nobody fall asleep during that? Well then let's let down the curtains, fire up the band, and get this jungle party started, motherfuckers!

The Good:

(Best Reviewed) Match of the Year:

John Cena vs. Edge - Last Man Standing - WWE Backlash

Favorite Match of the Year:

Legacy vs. D-Generation X - WWE Summerslam

Wrestler of the Year:
Hiroshi Tanahashi

Favorite Wrestler of the Year:

CM Punk

Diva of the Year:

Tara

Favorite Diva of the Year:

Beth Phoenix

Show of the Year:

WWE No Way Out

Best Mic Skills of the Year:
CM Punk

Best Gimmick of the Year:

"The Viper" Randy Orton

I Hear Voices In My Head, They Council Me, They Understand, They Talk To Me.

Best Entrance:

The Main Event Mafia

Rookie of the Year:

Drew McIntyre

The Bad:

Worst (Reviewed) Match of the Year:

Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina - Hog Pen Match - WWE Extreme Rules

Least Favorite Match of the Year:

Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton - WWE No Way Out

Worst Wrestler of the Year:

Toru Makabe

Least Favorite Wrestler of the Year:

Mick Foley

Worst Diva of the Year:

Sojourner Bolt

Least Favorite Diva of the Year:

ODB

Worst Mic Skills of the Year:

Rhino


Worst Gimmick of the Year:

"Nation of Violence" Samoa Joe


Worst Entrance of the Year:

Matt Hardy

Veteran Most in Need of Retirement:

Sting (Better Late Than Never)


The Tanooki

Best Vice and Cewsh Impersonators:

Masada and Tank


Gif of The Year

Michelle McCool Pwns Melina


Err...Other Gif Of The Year

Jenna Morrasca Pwns All Males In the Viewing Audience


Best Excuse Vice Gave Me This Year:

The Midgar Zolom Steals Vice


Best Picture We Used Even Though It Made No Sense.

Kittens Rule


Moment of the Year

Us Reviewing This Without Killing Ourselves.

Alright, that'll do it for me this year, kiddos. Stay tuned next week for Vice's Awards Gala, and stayed tuned through the year to come for some new ideas, some crazy shows, and an endless supply of wit and wisdom from your beloved Cewsh Reviews staff. So from all of us here at the Headquarters, we wish you a Happy Holidays and an exciting New Year.

And cake. Fucking right we wish you cake.

TNA Final Resolution 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA FINAL RESOLUTION 2009

Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of the universal winner for wrestling blog of the year (from our mothers, and even then it was close). Tonight we have a special treat as we shuffle our sexy asses on down to Orlando to cover TNA’s Final Resolution PPV. This is the last big PPV of the year here in America, and it caps off what has truly been a year or turbulent and trying times for TNA. From the success (and subsequent failure) of the Main Event Mafia, to the rise of AJ Styles and the fall of Samoa Joe. And from the fall of Jeff Jarrett to the rise of Hulk Hogan, this has been perhaps the most important and memorable year in the history of TNA, and with the ground ever shifting under their feet they’ve come to a crossroads.

Last month, their PPV actually beat out WWE’s for the first time this year, and with a lackluster offering from WWE’s TLC, they have the potential tonight to do it again. Are we seeing the beginning of a true wrestling war? Can TNA keep up this momentum and ride it to ultimate success? Will Kevin Nash whisk Ms. Cewsh off in the night to his decadent palace of lovemaking? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

WWE Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the death defyingest wrestling review in the blogosphere (whatever that is), Cewsh Reviews! Today we have a special treat for you all as we take a break from the sober trappings of our Mitsuharu Misawa tribute reviews and, instead, review the latest in WWE’s theme PPV’s, the vaguely named Tables Ladders and Chairs 2009. Will there be tables? Will there be ladders? Will there be chairs? Will there be ponies? Will there be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures? Will anyone lay a finger on my Butterfinger? We have the answers and the only way to get them is to give us each a pony in the color of our choosing. I’d like orange. Or I guess you could read on. If you have no holiday spirit. GRINCH.

This Is You.

What I do know is that we are three deep (minds out of the gutter, people) this week, with the lovely Ms. Cewsh joining Vice and I to break down a night that just might change the WWE as we know it. Or not. You know, whichever. Regardless, make sure, after the review, that you hop on over to the Cewsh Reviews blog to check out the lovely Ms. Cewsh's End of Year Awards if you hadn't already. And keep an eye out this Sunday for mine and next Sunday for Vice's as we roll on towards the new year.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

Mrs.Cewsh's 2009 Year End Awards

Welcome ducklings another fine Sunday Supplement. We here at the Cewsh Reviews team love something very much. It's not breasts, or silly nicknames, or John Cena matches. It's lists. And with three weeks left until the end of the year, I am pleased to bring you the first of a three part SS series, the Cewsh Reviews Team's End of Year Awards. Please insert your own fanfare and pyro here, the recession hurts all of us.

Starting with moi, we will each bring you a variety best/worst/favorite/least favorite moments from the past 12 months. Some are obvious. Some are silly. Some will feature cats. Keep in mind, we all watch and review different things, and our journalistic integrity keeps us from factoring in shows we haven't seen. Even though I've watched Vice's Need to Bleed video enough times I can play in in my mind, Ian Rotten won't factor into my list. Got it? Good.

(For my best/worst matches and wrestlers, I disqualified the time I gave a match a -5, as well as the time I gave a match a 120/100. R-Truth was the worst and Shelton was the wrestler of the year. Yeah, I'll work on that in the future.)

With that in mind, lets do a mother-fucking awards show!

To Be Continued »