Pro Wrestling Guerilla Proudly Presents…
PWG Kurt Russellmania 2010
PWG Kurt Russellmania 2010Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the often deceiving Cewsh Reviews. Now to some of you we promised a mano e mano battle of wills between Vice and I in a debate to the finish. That won’t be happening until later (though we have the final list of debate topics determined and we’ll be posting those later), so to apologize for getting your hopes up, we’ll be instead delivering a review of a show of such awesome proportions that it defies the powers of mere mortals to comprehend. Luckily, as Cewsh Reviews fans, you are endowed with superhuman intelligence and taste, and therefore can understand that this show is what would happen if you took the combined awesomeness of Kurt Russell and Wrestlemania and threw them together at high speed. You may recall that we previously reviewed a PWG show a year or so ago, and you may have considered it our definitive word on the promotion but not so fast my friend (as Mel Kiper might say), this time, for THIS show, we have Jushin Thunder Liger, the Great Muta, Rob Van Dam, Super Crazy and the one night only reuniting of Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Yeah, you just read that. This show has more awesome on it than ACTUAL Wrestlemania.
In other words, the mere touching of your monitor while reading this review may cause the sprouting of chest hair and the growth of an extra testicle. We do not apologize for these effects, even in females, because YEAH MAN KURT RUSSELLMANIA WOOOO.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: Opening video? We don’t need no stinking opening video!
But here’s one anyway.
You may have noticed that some of those matches don’t look like the ones later in the review. Well, as the show begins Excaliber comes down to the ring and in between being an absolutely amusing bastard insulting the fans, he tells people the usual spiel of respecting the building and the performers, and all that jazz. Then he says that there has been a travel arrangement mix up, so now the card has been juggled AFTER PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY COME TO THE SHOW and hopefully we will enjoy the results.
So the original matches, the one they sold tickets to, looked like this:
Brandon Bonham vs. Brandon Gatson
Davey Richards vs. Super Crazy
Kevin Steen vs. Brian Kendrick
The Great Muta and KAI vs. Joey Ryan and Scott Lost
The Young Bucks vs. Human Tornado and Chuck Taylor
El Generico vs. Jushin Liger
RVD vs. Chris Hero vs. Roderick Strong
How will the card be reshaped now? Well let’s find out.
Hmm, we shall see. We shall see.
Vice: "...you brought this on yourselves, you DRUNKS!", sayeth Excalibur, smiting the riled up crowd after being told they must follow a code of conduct.
Our President In His Ted Dibiase Shirt.
It's quite rare that the hands down undisputed to-be line of the night hits us at just over a minute and a half into the show, but boy did it hit hard, and boy did it make me piss myself. It was just so perfect, and that, coupled with the rest of the opening of the show, set up something potentially great-- especially when you factor in just all who is on the card. Namely Jushin Liger.
Paul London is part of this opening segment, showing up like a drugged up lunatic, and cuts a wacky promo. I don't know if this guy is legitimately insane and I should feel sorry for him (most likely the case), or if he has gone on to create one of the most absurd, realistic, and downright mesmerizingly uncomfortable gimmicks in wrestling history.
Segment 2 – Team Military Mohawk (The Cutler Brothers, Ryan Taylor and Christina Von Eerie) vs. The Adorables (Mal Jackson, Johnny Goodtime, Candice LeRae and Jerome “LTP” Robinson).
Vice: This was a fairly fun opener. It was pretty fast-paced and had a good blend of everything. One of the things I liked most about it was how legitimate it made the women look, as both women in the match looked like they were on the level of the men. Sure the men were much smaller and jobbertacular than you'd find in the big organizations, but it was still good to see. It makes the match flow like a normal match should, instead of a girl getting tagged in, and it coming to a screeching halt as they have to tag another girl in, or the girl comes in and the focus of the match is all sympathy because poor little girl is in there with big scary men.
Not a spectacular match, but it was enjoyable enough to kick off the show in a good way. Indy promotions can be very good at nailing entertainment, which is what we all want at the end of the day, right?
Cewsh: BALLPLEX!
BALLPLEX!
As Vice said, this match served two purposes for me. Firstly it made the women look uncommonly fantastic by mixing it up with the guys and taking some wicked bumps and doling them out too, and secondly it just amused me to no end. You have Candice LeRae, who is all of 5 feet tall getting beaten up by everyone and recovering long enough just to give ballplexes and hurracanranas to the guys, you have LTP being a (even shorter) ball fire running around at 8,000 miles per hour, and you have Malachi Jackson the third Young Buck just fucking defying gravity by spinning in midair like af fucking whirligig.
WTF?!
Oh, and some guy who dances on a Dance Dance Revolution mat. He’s, um, yeah. But that’s just on one team! The other team has the Cutler Brothers, you are the conventionally solid wrestlers in the bunch, Christina Von Eerie, who is absolutely fantastic and mind meltingly attractive (SIGN HER TNA YOU FUCKHEADS. You listened to us with the Bucks, now choose her!). Oh, and then there’s another guy. I think he wore green tights? Its not really important.
With all of these wacky characters involved you just know this is going to be a lot of chaotic fun and that’s exactly what it was. The Cutler Brothers and Eerie bring the heelishness, Candice brings the sympathy, and LTP and Malachi bring the crazy wacky moves.
When you throw it all together what you get is an entertaining, exciting, and fantastic opening match. It may be one of the better ones I’ve seen from an indy show in recent memory, and I heartily recommend to you anyone who was involved. …well most of them anyway.
78 out of 100.
Team Military Mohawk Over The Adorables Following A Double Spike Tombstone (OUCH!) On Candice LeRae.
Segment 3 – Brandon (Who?) Bonham vs. Brandon (Who?) Gatson.
Cewsh: zzzZzZZZzZzzzzZZzZZZZZZzz.
58 out of 100.
Vice: Why was this match on the show? This seems like it's a big show, and you have two nobodies going at it for a fairly good amount of time. And it's not one of those matches that makes you stand up at the end and say "WHO WERE THOSE GUYS!? HOLY FUCK THAT WAS GREAT!" like some of these indy promotions can sometimes pull out of their ass. This seriously just makes you think "......why?" with a scowl on your face.
One guy looks like Chris Hero and dresses like basketball short wearing CM Punk (HEY MAN I LOOK "COOL" SO YOU SHOULD LIKE ME!!!), and the other guy is seriously like a Create-A-Wrestler. And not even like an actual Create-A-Wrestler-- I'm talking like Create-A-Wrestler TEMPLATE. That boring. That generic. That utterly dull. Sometimes looking dull can actually be a very good look in a way. Like Bryan Danielson back in ROH. Looked like some random dude that worked at a Subway, dressed with maroon tights and matching boots, and had nothing flashy about his appearance at all. But his wrestling made a statement, and in turn, it made you even more intrigued about this generic looking guy. Not the guy in this match. He has nothing going for him, and I will say it right now with full confidence that he will never be a big name. He will not go anywhere unless Gabe gets a crush on him, which I also don't see happening.
Shown: Brandon.
This match felt like it was going on forever, and I hated myself after it. What a downer after that opening match. It's amazing how quickly a bad match can stomp out your excitement and hope so quickly and easily.
Sleep Over Cewsh Reviews Following An Interminable Length Of Boredom.
Segment 4 – Super (Awesome) Crazy vs. (He’s A) Human Tornado.
Cewsh: It’s time for STORYTIME…WITH…CEWSH!
Once upon a time there was a young man named the Human Tornado who Cewsh was very fond of indeed. See, he was a gangly young black man who portrayed a pimp in the most comedic way imaginable. He had balls so tough that touching them physically damaged his opponents, a backhand powerful enough to lift men twice his size off of their feet, and a penchant for engaging in dance competitions at the drop of a hat. Sometimes he even stopped to dunk a basketball and do a hurracanrana, but only if he could do them simultaneously.
Unfortunately, as happens with these characters, somebody decided to make him serious. So he got his serious push and went all the way to the PWG Heavyweight Championship, before falling down the card as fans mysteriously stopped caring about him, and now’s he’s just a shell of his former self. And then there’s Super Crazy. How can anyone possibly have anything bad to say about the Insane Luchadore? He’s older, wrinklier, chubbier, but he still moves exactly the same as he did at 20, and hasn’t missed a step.
The match here was perfectly fine, I suppose, in its way. The trouble with watching these two, though, is that they are two people for whom ringwork is only part of the pleasure of watching them. Crazy is so bubbly and fun, and Tornado is so funny and unique, and in this match neither man has any of that going for them at all. They punch their timecards, do their job, and go home, and by the next match I could barely remember that this one had even happened. Considering that Tornado was once I man I proclaimed to be incapable of any wrongdoing, this is a bit of a freefall, and I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to recapture what he was.
Shame.
62 out of 100.
Vice: Human Tornado was ridiculously fun and entertaining when I first saw him years and years ago, but he hasn't evolved in the slightest. Watch a Human Tornado match now, then watch one from 2005. Exact same. It's almost phenomenal how little progress he's made. And sadly, with the caliber of wrestlers he's been in the ring with, he should be a lot better. A *LOT* better. Shame, really. Super Crazy is another one of those guys that hasn't exactly evolved over the years, but him at his worst has more talent in his pinky than Human Tornado will ever have. Even then, I don't even find him that entertaining for some reason.
This match isn't painfully bad, but it's not good at all. With this less than stellar match directly after a complete dud.. well, I can't say I'm as pumped up for this show as I should be. But maybe it's a ploy to make me salivate for those big matches that much more.
Human Tornado Over Super Crazy Following A Top Rope Flippy Splash.
Segment 5 – Davey (Oh, You Work Here Too) Richards vs. Kevin (Oh, You Work Here Too) Steen.
Vice: Complete dud, a stinker, and now a match featuring Davey Richards and Kevin Steen? Fuck my life.
Cewsh: @@$%@!&^#uiwdhuggyuU~!
This match was such a bizarre combination of everything that is wrong with independent wrestling that it is almost like it was carefully calculated and developed in a lab in order to piss me off the maximum degree. Just documenting the shit puts me through such a wringer or pain and embarrassment that its like walking in on your grandmother having sex and then having her kick you in the balls for intruding.
Okay, okay. Simmer down Cewsh. Let’s get through this.
Okay, the two men in this match are indy favorites Kevin Steen (who is a large man with a splotchy beard who does lots of MOVEZ and is therefore beloved) and Davey Richards (whom we have discussed at length). To start the match, Kevin Steen starts propositioning young men at ringside in a very familiar manner when they boo him, and gives Davey the same treatment, planting a kiss on him and causing Davey to freak out. This is followed by 5 minutes of prancing about and joke making. Then they choose to do some wrestling, just to mix things up a bit, and then Davey returns the kiss. Then some more wrestling and then Davey wades into the crowd until he finds a drum set, at which point he picks up the sticks and starts playing. Then about 35 minutes of the same sort of ROH finisher fest, no selling, no emotion nonsense they’re known for, and then the match ends and they go to In and Out Burger for lunch.
The worst part is that there was potential for amusement here. If this were a match between, say, Orlando Jordan and Eric Young, I would have smirked because it would make sense for them. It does not make sense here. And then to ask us to buy them as super serious wrestlers AMIDST A COMEDY MATCH is just too much for me. If this is what passes for superior wrestling these days, I’ll stick to my Ultimate Warrior videos.
43 out of 100.
Vice: This was an awkward match with Steen kissing Davey, Davey randomly playing drums (yes, an actual drum set) for no real reason, then being faux strong style and them trying to kill each other and shit. It was hard to keep up with and I don't think it made much sense at all. It's one thing to go from a fairly standard match to a brutal match when the combatants get pissed off, but it's an entirely different beast when it goes from comedy (..was it even comedy?) to brutal over the span of a few minutes.
Davey Richards Over Kevin Steen Following An Chris Jericho Submission Move #1.
Segment 6 – The Great Muta and KAI vs. Scott Lost and Joey Ryan.
Cewsh: There are some things I am obligated by law to tell you before this match begins. They are as follows.
1. The Great Muta is a legend. Like “super duper one of the top 10 draws in wrestling history” kind of legend.
2. The Great Muta’s knees are held together by duct tape and pony wishes.
3. KAI is a pretty great junior who works for AJPW, which Muta runs.
4. Scott Lost and Joey Ryan were once the top guys in PWG.
5. The difference between being the top guys in PWG, and being the top guy in NJPW in the 90s is like the difference between your sister with the club foot and Salma Hayek.
With that out of the way, it should probably come as no surprise that this match is 15 minutes of equality for no reason I can possibly imagine. Muta and KAI beat up Scott Lost in the beginning, but then Joey Ryan, who looks for all the world like Will Ferrell playing an 80s pro wrestler, comes in and starts beating the shit out of Muta in one of the single most surreal scenes I have ever witnessed.
DO NOT WANT.
Ultimately Muta and Kai win when Muta hits the Shining Wizard (SQUEE!) and the damage done isn’t too bad I suppose, but this reflects a problem with independent wrestling that has hitherto escaped mention during my various rants. When you get a big name, and we’re talking HUGE, to agree to come to your promotion, why in god’s name do you put them up against somebody that nobody outside of your hardcore fanbase gives a tenth of a shit about? You’re selling this on DVD! People outside of California will buy it for Muta! And when they see him selling 5 minutes of chubby, scarf wearing dropkicks, people are not going to get what they wanted.
WANT.
More Muta + Less Scott Lost = Good Match. That is an equation so concrete and definitive that Newton may as well have discovered it.
70 out of 100.
Vice: Finally Muta is here, and christ the difference between him and everyone else in terms of presence is just insane. The dude doesn't even need to do anything in the ring and you have an enjoyable bout. Now, here's my question to you folk. Are guys like Muta, and guys like Piper (who was brilliant on RAW) as well, this legendary and have such a presence simply because they've been around for so long that we know exactly who they are and what they're about, or are they just that much better than everyone else? So many people from the older generation of wrestlers have such a fantastic, dominating presence that makes them stand out so much. Who, from the younger squad (like Orton and Cena), have any sort of comparable presence? Has wrestling just evolved over the years, or has the art been lost somewhere?
Muta standing on the apron for the majority of the match just makes it feel huge. And awesome.
MIST. SHINING WIIIZAAAARD. WOOOGIGGITY.
The Great Muta and KAI Over Joey Ryan And Scott Lost Following The Shining Wizard.
Segment 7 – El (Hmm, I Wonder Who This Scrub Is Facing Tonight…) Generico vs. Jushin (UWHAAA?!) Liger.
Cewsh: Okay Cewsh, say the mantra.
“I will not just copy and paste the last match’s review. I will not just copy and paste the last match’s review. I will not…”
Here we have Jushin Thunder Liger, as much of a legend as exists in the world of wrestling today, and he is getting matched up against a man known primarily as the comic relief half of a ROH tag team. I don’t like El Generico and I worship Liger so this is a recipe for trouble.
The match gets started, and since they’re both babyfaces (how could you ever turn Liger heel in the US?) they start with the whole “I respect you so let’s try to beat each other, but with respectful respectfulness”. They do some chain wrestling and then they do some leaping out of the ring, and then they trade some brainbusters, and things start to get a little fun and heated until the end, which is a little abrupt, but not too bad either.
The book on this match is that it just isn’t that noteworthy. I wasn’t unhappy watching it (except for seeing Liger wrestling someone like El fucking Generico) but there isn’t very much to actually tell you about. It was perfectly pleasant. If you get this DVD I would recommend not skipping this match, but I wouldn’t seek it out, and that’s really all there is to it.
72 out of 100.
Vice: I like Generico. He entertains me. Liger is a god.
Here’s the thing though—he’s great because he’s that random goofy guy who can put on really fun, exciting matches that are far better than he has any right to, but he’s still El friggin’ Generico, the scrawny white “luchador” from Canada. He’s a solid talent, but when you bring in guys from Japan, I don’t think he’s the guy you put them up against, especially when it’s someone the caliber of JUSHIN LIGER. Sure he’s old, a bit slower, and looks like a balding Power Ranger, but he’s Jushin fuckin’ Liger. You don’t bring him in to wrestle El Generico.
It was a pretty entertaining match for the most part and I actually had high hopes for it going in, but something about it was just so underwhelming to me. He’s a guy that should be brought to the states for big time dream matches, not entertaining matches. I will take a crappy Liger vs. Big Name match over entertaining Liger vs. Fun Guy nine out of ten times. That’s all there really is to say about this.
Jushin Liger Over El Generic Following A BALLPLEX. Or, Rather, A Brainbuster.
Segment 8 – The Young Bucks vs. The Spankdons Of Londrick With The Big Blue Boots.
Vice: Here’s a match I was really looking forward to. While London is now a complete space cadet and recently returning from his mission gone awry in Zeflom Karodishda X4 in the dark sector of the Mishfish Galaxy.
Mission Control Is Not Responsive.
I still want to see him wrestle, especially with Kendrick. They were a fun team in WWE and were great tag wrestlers. So seeing them up against the hot new tag team of Generation Me made me salivate like one of Pavlov’s dogs.
It was fun, but that was about it. I don’t really have any complaints, nor do I have a ton of good to say about it. It’s basically the equivalent of putting a sauce you really like on some meat that you enjoy for the first time and getting the results you expect. Good, but certainly not mind blowing to any degree.
The most interesting thing about this match was the fact that Paul London picked up the win. Why? He’s the only guy in this match that isn’t in TNA. Generally when TNA lets talent work other shows that are to appear on DVD, their talent is destined to go over. I was thinking that if anyone took the fall it’d be Paul London, which would protect everyone else. Or at the very least, Kendrick would pick up the win, because TNA going over TNA isn’t that big of a deal. So, it’s kind of weird that London was the man to bring it to a close in my eyes.
Cewsh: Close your eyes. Conjure these 4 men. Imagine them having a match.
They had that exact match.
Spotty and exciting and fast paced and psychology free. It was refreshing and exciting while still being a little bit empty and meaningless.
In other words, it’s the X Division special. Served up nice.
Now Everybody Make Out.
75 out of 100.
London and Kendrick Over The Young Bucks Following A Shooting Star Of Insanity.
Segment 9 – Chris (Charisma) Hero vs. Roderick (Charis-what?) Strong vs. Rob (Charis Jericho is A Cool Guy *inhale*) Van Dam.
Vice: This match brought me back to RVD vs. Austin vs. Angle from back in the Alliance days of WWE. Not because it was good or whatever, but because it’s just an odd pairing of 3 people. You’ve got Captain Flippyhaha in RVD, the very grounded and fundamentally sound Roderick Strong, and the athletically pure Chris Hero. Stylistically, only Hero and Strong seem like they’d be a fit at all, so when RVD gets thrown into the mix, well, it could be an absolute trainwreck or out of this world amazing. The result is..
…just kind of there.
Yeah, another one of those “there” matches. Ugh. Obviously every fan out there wants to see the best matches possible, but if you don’t like a good ol’ fashioned sloppy mess where nothing goes right, I don’t see how you can enjoy life. That’s why these matches are just so disappointing. You don’t have something great to smile about and typetypetype about how fantastic it was and how everyone needs to see it, and there’s nothing to really bitch about and laugh over, because they didn’t give you any material to do so. And then it forces me to write shitty reviews like this.
So I’m going to go on a completely random tangent and talk about a game of Halo Reach I played with resident shithead Matthew. We were up against a guy whose gamertag was KlDMAN, and we spent the entire game laughing about how we shouldn’t try to powerbomb him. Our non-wrestling friend in our party sat there utterly confused at what was going on, what a powerbomb was, and why the name “Kidman” elicits reactions and comments such as ours, and you know what? I actually felt somewhat bad for him because he was so out of the loop. This is why wrestling can be AWESOME because there are a thousand bajillion million things to joke about. I doubt the Kidman we played against even knew what wrestling was, but fuck it. He gave us great joy. I love coming across people with wrestling references in their names or anything about them that reminds me of a funny thing related to wrestling. It’s the little things in life, really.
Ps: don’t try to powerbomb Kidman.
Anyway, I wasn’t really impressed with the match much, but it was certainly a worthy experiment. After seeing RVD wrestle in the big promotions for so long, I was definitely wondering how he’d wrestle in a small promotion with two guys that wrestle very differently than what he’s used to. And basically he just wrestled like RVD. Because he is RVD. And RVD is RVD. Wrestling the exact same is both a good quality and a bad quality, but hey, at least you know exactly what you’re going to get.
Cewsh: So do you think at any point during RVD’s 10 minute entrance that Chris Hero looked over at Roderick Strong and said “Hey dude, what the fuck are we doing here?”
Hero has been around and a big name on the indies since I got back into wrestling, and Roderick Strong is actually the current ROH Champion (though he wasn’t then) and yet having them stand in a ring with Rob Van Dam makes them look like a couple of third rate jobbers from nowhere. Luckily Rob doesn’t seem to feel this way and when the match starts its actually a very even contest. The story of the match actually seems to be that Chris Hero and Roderick Strong are competing for contendership for the PWG Heavyweight Championship after Battle of Los Angeles winner Kenny Omega gets his shot, whereas RVD is just here because why the fuck not? So the majority of the match involves Hero and Strong dropping bombs on one another, and then RVD leaping in from nowhere because they forgot all about him. Eventually that plays against them as RVD takes advantage of their lack of attention by soaring through the air and ending things with a good ol’ fashioned 5 Star Frog Splash.
This wasn’t a bad match at all. I actually kind of liked it. Once I got over feeling like RVD didn’t belong it actually helped the match as Hero and Strong went after each other, rather than the dangerous legend, folding it into a story that worked rather well. Ultimately the match probably wont leave any great impact on me, but at the very least it was a fine end to a show that really needed something positive to go out on.
79 out of 100.
Rob Van Dam Over Everybody Else Following A Five Star Frog Splash.
Cewsh: Man, what a lot of wasted opportunity.
PWG brought in boatloads of incredible names for an indy promotion to get here, and one by one they pretty much squandered them until the most interesting match on a card this loaded was an opening match filled with a bunch of relative no names. There’s something to be learned about independent wrestling booking from this show, and I would happily tell you what that is, but I’m too busy watching Christina Von Eerie over and over again.
Ah yes. Just give me ooooone minute…
Vice: Well, overall I’m not entirely sure what to say about this show. Some was good, I was disappointed by a lot, and there was a lot of stuff that just didn’t click with me at all. I don’t know how to put it all into words, but luckily here is a video that expresses my thoughts perfectly:
That'll do it for us this week kids. We hope you enjoyed our review of the only show we've ever seen sponsored by someone who appeared in Big Trouble In Little China. Next week we look forward to the official and epic launch of the Ring of Honor on HDNET reviews as DDT and I cover the final day of the Tyler Black disease, and then its on to WWE Survivor Series to find out if John Cena is free, fired, fucked, or frittered (apple is my favorite). So until then keep reading, and be good to one another.
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