Juggalo Championship Wrestling Proudly Presents...
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that have a harder time explaining their internet search history than your dad when he discovered internet porn, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we forgo the usual legendary classics and exciting present day shows, and instead take a look at what those wacky Jugglos were up to last year, as we review JCW Bloodymania 7! Normally, this is the part of the intro where I hype you up with an exciting preview of what is to come, but from all the feedback we've gotten over the years, just seeing the letters "JCW" up there is either going to make you click the "Read More" link so fast that you shatter the sound barrier, or cause you to delete your bookmark for this site in disgust. Either way, I respect your decision. It's about to get crazy in here, ya'll.
So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!
Segment 1 - INTRODUCTION!
Now, this may be the first exposure to the Juggalo universe for many of you. If that is the case, I need you to understand right from the start that these are crazy people. The Insane Clown Posse are, as far as I can tell, reasonably intelligent, likable guys who happen to be very gifted at branding and marketing themselves. But every single other person involved in the Juggalo lifestyle is so goddamned insane that if you could power a ship with pure pent up weirdness, a single Juggalo would have enough to send it to Saturn. Just reading the Wikipedia article for this company gives you an idea of how strange this whole wrestling promotion is. Here's an excerpt that was absolutely NOT written by a guy named Bruce Wirt:
"1wrestling Radio host Bruce Wirt calls Juggalo Championship Wrestling a "modern day [and] better version of ECW" because of their fan base, wrestling styles, and original stories. Co-founders Joseph Bruce and Joseph Utsler themselves refer to Extreme Championship Wrestling as the major influence on the company's style as well as their unique camera angles, which they compare to that of the movie Natural Born Killers; "fading in and out, and turning all over."
Bruce Wirt praises the company as an alternative to WWE and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling due to its unique characteristics. Juggalo Championship Wrestling features a live musical performance at each wrestling event, leading Wirt to compare the combination to that of WWE's Rock 'n' Wrestling Connection. Shaggy 2 Dope and Kevin Gill provide commentary, which has been described as sometimes politically incorrect and "sidesplittingly funny."The company also notably does not have rematch clauses, instead forcing former champions to wrestle their way back up to the main event."
Nothing at all questionable in there.
This is what we'll be dealing with for the next 3 hours. So when I tell you, for example, that The Boogeyman is in the main event of this show, or that the show begins by showing you a comprehensible set of highlights of THE SHOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO WATCH RIGHT NOW, you can have a clear understanding of what you're dealing with. Vince Russo's Jesus promotion was less crazy than these people, and their championship was a fucking broadsword.
Note: This review is the direct result of a reader poll we did asking people what promotion they wanted to see us review next. It should go without saying that I hope every single one of you gets an ass full of crooked Legos.
Segment 2 - This Guy.
Cewsh: He is the host and play by play announcer for this promotion. I just thought you should know that.
Segment 3 - Rich Boy Bryer Wellington vs. Rikishi
Cewsh: I'm not going to focus on the commentary too much in this review because I get the feeling that if I get started down that dark and troubling road I will never come back. Just know that the first wrestler of the night hadn't even made it into the ring yet before a discussion about the proper context for viewing baby penises tattooed itself across my eardrums so it could dwell inside me forevermore.
Now onto the match. Bryer Wellington is such a generic slobby dickhead heel that you can just go ahead and mentally insert any number of indy heels in his place and nothing would change. Here he's going up against Rikishi, a man whose most iconic moment in professional wrestling was, well, this:
This Belongs In The Smithsonian.
Ordinarily when you see guys who were fixtures of the Attitude Era, and who have 30 years of wrestling experience to their name, you can expect them to either be working for WWE, or to be broken down shells of themselves, especially if they're bigger guys like Rikishi is. But i'm genuinely glad to report that the big guy is actually looking pretty good here as he walks to the ring, and is a helluva lot spryer than a man his size and age has any right to be. He even starts things off by doing his son's catchphrase with the crowd, ("When I say US, Ya'll say O.") which I thought was kind of adorable. Considering that the last time I reviewed one of these shows it began with a drunken pirate ghost pretending to be Greg Valentine, we're already doing pretty well.
Then the match starts and it is shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Its everything you would be afraid that it could be. Rikishi is half assing it so powerfully, and Wellington seems so unsure of what to do, that we get long stretches where nothing seems to happen whatsoever. Watch this and be thrilled as Rikishi slowly prepares for a Banzai Drop, Wellington scoots several inches, and Rikishi takes 30 seconds to respond to this change of affairs.
A few short minutes later, (filled with nothing but karate chops and Rikishi slowly ambling from place to place,) and a clothesline in the corner sets Wellington up for the dreaded Stink Face. Now, I assume that you're very familiar with the Stink Face. You've probably seen it a million times. But have you seen it done with Rikishi being completely bare assed, shoving his sweaty ass crack into a man's eye socket? No? WELL CONGRATULATIONS, HERE YOU YOU GO!
One Banzai Squat later and Bryer Wellington is done for. And so we begin this night with hope, disappointment, and a sweaty ass crack the size of Neptune. Such is life.
21 out of 100
Rikishi Over Bryer Wellington Following The Sitting Banzai Drop.
Number of Drinks Consumed By The Author: 1
Segment 4 - The Haters vs. The Young Bucks
Cewsh: The Haters are a tag team billed as being from "The Asshole of the World" who come out to music that begins with a demonic voice saying "Fuck Juggalos." So while I'm not really up on all of the goings on in this promotion, I feel pretty comfortable saying that they are heels. They wear masks featuring devil's horns that are so shoddily made and floppy, that they look like they have two of the most STD ridden penises in the world attached to the back of their heads.
They seem nice.
Their opponents here are the Young Bucks, who these days make their living as the best tag team on the planet. They hadn't yet reached that point by the time this show had taken place, but they were still a supremely talented and entertaining team, that nevertheless are a couple of superkicky pretty boys who probably aren't the ideal babyfaces for an all-Juggalo audience.
This brings me to something that has always confused me about these shows. The crowds attending these shows are pretty damn big for an indy show, and Juggalos are nothing if not loyal and boisterous, and yet the crowd never seems to respond to any of the matches no matter what is going on. Is this because they're holding these shows outside? Because having your entire audience on drugs isn't a great idea? Because every match features at least one person that you can't help but feel sorry for? Hard to say.
Flipping sunset frogblaster
As it happens, this is not a good match. I don't know if the ring is wonky or if they're just mailing it in, but i've never seen the Young Bucks move this sluggishly and The Haters are about as fun a combination of getting kicked in balls and getting kicks in the balls a second time. Ultimately the Haters win with a powerbomb that happens off screen, and proudly present their guts and crooked red cocks to the crowd in honor of this great victory.
Hehe. They have penis hats.
58 out of 100
The Haters Over The Young Bucks Following A Powerbomb.
Number of Drinks Consumed By Author: 2
Segment 5 - Island of Death Falls Count Anywhere No Rope Lumberjack Match - Necro Butcher vs.
Cewsh: Rule of thumb. If it takes a full line just to name the gimmick of the match, it's probably not going to be a good match.
As mentioned in the title, this match features no ropes, and a whole bunch of random dudes standing around the ring looking like models for Generic Gear R'Us.
The match also features Necro Butcher, who has starred in several of the most soul torturing shows that we have ever reviewed. In previous installments of Cewsh Reviews he has wrestled in something called a Caribbean Spider Web Death Match, humped Roderick Strong's head against a guard rail, and wrestled as part of a gigantic tag match in ROH that even he seemed confused to be a part of. But here in the magical land where you can buy weed with Faygo, Necro Butcher should truly be at the height of his powers.
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Cewsh's Conclusions:
Cewsh: Hey you man there I love you man so don't get all upset I didn't know that broom was your sister, i'm just using it to clean up all of this mustard and robots. I love broom and cabbage and floor and zzzzzzzzzzZzZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzz
Cewsh's Final Score:
Well that'll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed...whatever the hell that just was. Coming up next we have one of the only reviews of the years that people throw rocks at us if we even suggest we may not do it, WWE Royal Rumble 2015. There may have been a smiiiiiiidgeon of controversy surrounding this years installment of the show, so i'm rounding up the Rumble gang to take a close look at it before an internet mob destroys all evidence of the show's existence. Until then, remember, as always, to keep reading and be good to one another.
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