Shimmer: Volume 29

Shimmer: Women Athletes Proudly Presents…
 

SHIMMER: VOLUME 29

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the stylishly feminized Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we take a detour from our usual surroundings of Divas and Knockouts and set out in pursuit of some Women Athletes. Our search has led us back to the doorstep of the almighty Shimmer, home of female wrestlers in the purest form of the word, and hopefully Allison Danger and Dave Prazak’s girls can sufficiently buffer us from the sadness and woe of mainstream women’s wrestling today. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Tonight we will see a cheerleader go goth to fight some ninjas, a Japanese woman who worships Hello Kitty wrestle Rob Van Dam’s weed smoking soul mate, and more Australian accents than you can shake one of those sticks that makes that warbly noise at. What are they called? Didgeridoos? Yeah, those.

Unfortunately, as a proud bearer of a set of genitals you can see from space on clear days (big hit with the lady astronauts, believe it), I’m not the right choice to host these festivities. But wouldn’t you know it, we do have a gender appropriate member of the ol’ team here, and I’m not talking about the time that Vice dressed up like a Burmese hooker to get out of that traffic ticket. So Ms. Cewsh? It’s your show from here. Fire it up!


Ms. Cewsh: So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

WWE Wrestlemania XXVI

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Wrestlemania XXVI

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Showcase of the Incorrigibles, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we don’t just have A special treat for you, we have THE goddamn special treat, as we are here to review and bask in the glow of WWE Wrestlemania XXVI. Well we’re finally here, at the culmination of both the wrestling year, and our reviewing year. It’s been a long road, with ups and downs, things that were Ian Rotten, and things that were Beautiful People, and here we stand, in year two of Cewsh Reviews, and going strong, ready to celebrate and culminate the wrestling world as a whole on this biggest of nights.

But yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re awesome, blah blah blah. Let’s get to the fucking show, shall we? This is one of the most ridiculously stacked cards in recent memory (possibly in ANY memory) and all three of us are dying to dig our teeth into it. What will we think about Shawn/Taker? What will Vice think of having to watch John Cena wrestle Batista? Will Ms. Cewsh attack the screen when Kofi comes on (and when Randy Orton comes on for a very different reason?) There’s only one way to find out, kids. And damned if we won’t try to make it fun along the way.

Also, Vice’s Awards are back. Yeah, you heard me. This is THE SHIT right here. So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking Wrestlemania review!

To Be Continued »

The Wrestlemania 26 Preview Spectacular

Welcome Cewsh Reviewiphiles, to the one and only Cewsh Reviews Wrestlemania Preview Spectacular!

Well here we all are at last, on the very doorstep of the Showcase of the Immortals, WWE Wrestlemania XXVI. It’s been a long fun road to get here to the culmination of both the wrestling industry’s year and ours as well, and like any good final boss battle, this bad boy is going to require the proper amount of preparation and consideration. There will be plenty of that here as I run down all of the matches for you, taking a look at who has momentum, who is due for a great match, and who has the best hair, (not Sheamus.)

But if that was all we were here for, we’d be rotten party hosts, so we’re also all going to be predicting the winners of each match in our own ways. I’ll be using a fancy computer simulation to predict the winner, Ms. Cewsh will be utilizing our unsuspecting cat to divine the future, and Vice watched a lot of porn. Apparently these random and assorted methods are meant to determine how the show will shake out. How will porn and cats (hopefully not used together) divine the future?

Err…I better let them explain.

To Be Continued »

SMASH.1

SMASH Proudly Presents…

SMASH.1

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the best globetrotters not located in Harlem, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you, as we travel back to the land of the rising sun and check out the grand debut opening of Yoshihiro Tajiri’s new promotion SMASH. Now we’ve covered all kinds of wrestling through the years, from mainstream WWE stuff, to European stuff, Mexican, Korean, Japanese, and everything in between, but this will be the first time that Cewsh Reviews will ever be able to say that it covered the opening of a brand new promotion happening here and now. To be honest, we couldn’t be more honored to put our faith in the hands of TAJIRI, a wrestler who has captivated each of us over the years and now stands to create something special of his own.

But worry not. This wont be one of those stodgy reviews where all we talk about is tradition and history and the like. We’ll save that for another day, because this is a card filled with rookies, serial killers, blimps, and Tommy Dreamer (or was that repetitive?) and we’re going to have all the fun in the world bringing it to you. So set your phasers to stun, and strap in boys and girls. It’s going to be a wacky ride.

To Be Continued »

TNA Destination X 2010

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Destination X 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the most widely read wrestling review blog in Heidi Klum’s bedroom, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you as we make our last stop on our glorious path to WWE Wrestlemania XXVI, as we cover TNA’s Destination X 2010. Now it may be a little unfair to TNA to just go ahead and ASSUME that Wrestlemania will overshadow their offering here, just because it’s Wrestlemania, but let’s not be naive. This show is being main evented by Abyss fighting to protect a ring. This isn’t Showcase of the Immortals stuff here.

But with that said, there’s plenty to be excited about here as TNA rolls out the official PPV of the X Division. We’ve got a ladder match, and Ultimate X match, and even, be still my heart, a SHANNON MOORE match. Some dreams do come true, if you wish hard enough. If you BELIEVE. Aside from that we’ve got Kurt Angle trying to cripple Mr. Anderson, Ric Flair in a wheelchair, and something mysterious going on with Abyss’ clothes. Will TNA put on a show worthy of notice at this crazy time of year? Or will they crash and burn and leave WWE to fill the void will the year’s biggest spectacle? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

Feminism and Pro Wrestling

Ms. Cewsh: Greetings muffins, and welcome to a special Sunday Supplement. Usually I come out and give you some fluff about web stats or bad fan-art. Today, I'm bringing you a serious essay on the difficulties of being a feminist and a wrestling fan. This is a topic that's very near to my heart. If you're here for jokes, boobs, or to leave comments about how "women spelled backwards is kitchen", move on now.

Women are a huge part of the wrestling business, both as performers and as fans. You doubt me? Statistics of WWE.com show that the split between male and female viewers isn't as great as you think. 39% of people viewing WWE.com are women. That's more than 1/3. I am not an anomaly.

To Be Continued »

The Monday Night Wars Take Two: The Rehappening

World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Proudly Present…

The Monday Night Wars Take Two: The Rehappening.

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the responsibly time traveling Cewsh Reviews. Tonight we have a special treat for you as we cover the beginning of the new Monday Night Wars between TNA Impact and WWE Raw. “But wait, Mr. McCewsh,” you may say is hushed tones of respect and admiration, “you already did the new Monday Night Wars back in January.” Well this is true, Ms. Cewsh and I tackled that very thing back in the olden days of 2 months ago. But a lot can change in that time, including TNA getting a permanent slot going head to head with Raw on Monday nights (the show in January was a one off event).

What can you expect from this sequel that will make it better than the original? How about Criss Angel, magician extraordinaire? No? How about not one but TWO Hulk Hogan matches. No again? Well how about MAGIC? Yeah, we knew that one would get you. Now you may have been excited at the prospect of Vice and I reviewing this show together and letting our conflicting views on these two shows start a war that would never wane in intensity, and we were too. Unfortunately, our Vicey come down with a serious case of "Has to work a shit ton of overtime to catch up on work" with a few side symptoms like "Has No Free Time" and "Curses The Day That Currency Was Ever Invented In The First Place". It sounds serious. He'll do his best to chip his two cents in when time allows, but in the meantime let's all wish him a speedy, and financially rewarding recovery.

Let's All Support Him As Enthusiastically As These Two.

In the meantime, come watch me, as I cover a historic event in the history of professional wrestling. The true rebirth of the Monday Night Wars. Again. But more so.

Sort of.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

WWE Elimination Chamber 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Elimination Chamber 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the incredibly literally named Cewsh Reviews! This week we have a treat for you, as we make our last pit stop (gosh kids, didn’t I ask if you needed to go before we left the house?) on the Road to Wrestlemania, as we review WWE’s Elimination Chamber 2010. This is the last chance for everyone who didn’t win the Royal Rumble (that being everyone who isn’t Edge) to cement their spot in one of the two main events of Wrestlemania. That’s a definite plus. The slight negative may be that they have to get their asses trucked over by a metric ton of steel chains and grating, as they step into the Elimination Chamber to find their destiny.

The Only Way To Wrestlemania Is Through The Steel.

Who will be the champions of Raw and Smackdown when the smoke clears? What will we find out about the future for Wrestlemania? And is there actually anything on this show that doesn’t take place in an Elimination Chamber? As always, there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

TNA Against All Odds 2010

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Against All Odds 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the most accurate and unbiased review blog on all of the internets, and also the best, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you as we summon forth our reserves and bring you our second review this week. Normally we can hardly be convinced to put up one review a week, but this week we’re operating on previously untapped reserves (black tar heroin) andwith Cewsh, Ms. Cewsh and Vice all together to tackle the show for the first time in ages, we have all the energy we need to tackle TNA’s Against All Odds pay per view.

Now this show is rather interesting, as it is essentially comprised of one tag match, a World title match, and the rest is the conclusion of the Eight Card Stud tournament, to determine the number one contender to the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at Lockdown in April. What will we think of this King of the Ring like tournament and the unusual format for TNA? Will TNA be able to pull off a successful show built around mostly midcarders? Will The Nasty Boys be so bad in the ring that we will research ways to travel back in time to stop it from annihilating the human race? Naturally, there’s only one way to find out.

So with no further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

Ms. Cewsh's Valentine's Day Art Gallery

Mrs. Cewsh: It's Valentine's Day, darlings! Inspired by the valentines on wwe.com, and how god fucking awful they are, I was going to offer you some valentines to take home to your special someone.
And then I spent an hour going through the WWE tag on DeviantArt. Now you're getting a rant. Just get your girlfriend/wife/mother some grocery store flowers and Easter candy. Put in vase/on platter. She won't know the difference and you'll save like $30 bucks.

First, I'd like to say there are some very talented artists on DA. There are some less talented ones, too. I'm not mocking artistic skill, (much,) because my own talents lie elsewhere. HOWEVER. When you use someone else's characters and make them unrecognizable, you are a bad person and a worse "artist".

To Be Continued »