Shimmer: Volume 29

Shimmer: Women Athletes Proudly Presents…
 

SHIMMER: VOLUME 29

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the stylishly feminized Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we take a detour from our usual surroundings of Divas and Knockouts and set out in pursuit of some Women Athletes. Our search has led us back to the doorstep of the almighty Shimmer, home of female wrestlers in the purest form of the word, and hopefully Allison Danger and Dave Prazak’s girls can sufficiently buffer us from the sadness and woe of mainstream women’s wrestling today. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Tonight we will see a cheerleader go goth to fight some ninjas, a Japanese woman who worships Hello Kitty wrestle Rob Van Dam’s weed smoking soul mate, and more Australian accents than you can shake one of those sticks that makes that warbly noise at. What are they called? Didgeridoos? Yeah, those.

Unfortunately, as a proud bearer of a set of genitals you can see from space on clear days (big hit with the lady astronauts, believe it), I’m not the right choice to host these festivities. But wouldn’t you know it, we do have a gender appropriate member of the ol’ team here, and I’m not talking about the time that Vice dressed up like a Burmese hooker to get out of that traffic ticket. So Ms. Cewsh? It’s your show from here. Fire it up!


Ms. Cewsh: So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 - Kellie (Roo Roids) Skater vs. Nevaeh (Isn't in the Tag Match?).

Ms.Cewsh: Hmm, this is an interesting match. Skater was much higher on the card on the last show we reviewed, and Nevaeh is traditionally a tag wrestler. In fact, as Prazak informs me, this is Nevaeh's first Shimmer outing as a singles wrestler, because her partner is off being Madison Rayne. But, here they are opening the show.

I'm generally positive towards Kellie, but this isn't last volume's match with Melissa. Nevaeh isn't a singles competitor and doesn't have the charisma to carry off a match as the plucky babyface. Kellie is still trying to find her exact gimmick. Together, it's the green leading the green.

48 out of 100.


Cewsh: If you read our last Shimmer review you may recall us talking about this frizzy haired Aussie who was totally jacked and perplexingly calls herself a “Rate Tank”. Well this charming young lady is in full force here, and she’s up against the single blandest female wrestler ever to don stretchy yoga pants. I mean for fuck’s sake, not only in her name “Heaven” spelled backwards, but she smiles throughout every single second of this match like somebody gave her the Joker’s happy gas. She was the extra bland member of the blandest tag team in Shimmer history, so guess how she is flying solo?

Instead of talking about the match, which falls pretty flat thanks to Nevaeh but isn’t very noteworthy otherwise, I want to take a moment to reach out to independent wrestlers. Guys and gals, listen to Poppa Cewsh. Music in wrestling in an often overlooked commodity. It can shape you as a character, and even create what your gimmick will be simply by the tone it sets (see Orton, Randy). WWE understands this. TNA understands this. WCW understood it but didn’t care. But somehow these independent wrestlers, who can pretty much choose from any song in recorded history, wind up choosing songs that clash so heavily with their characters and styles that it is fucking ridiculous. For every Christopher Daniels “Disposable Teens” and Samoa Joe “The Champ Is Here” you have 8 jillion people using Tool because it has an intro or something. I’m begging you guys, spend 8 seconds worth of thought trying to find a song that suits you and sells you, it will do you infinite worlds of good.

In fact fuck it, I’m critiquing all of these ladies on their music choices from now on. BE WARNED.

Right, back to the match. It happened, and then it stopped. Now you’re caught up.

54 out of 100.

Kelly Skater Over Neveah Following The Throwback.

Segment 3 – The Social Club (Annie Social and Melanie Cruise) vs. Team Midcard (Nikki Roxx and Ariel).

Cewsh: GODDAMIT WHAT DID I TELL YOU PEOPLE ABOUT TOOL?!


Ms.Cewsh: The Social Club, (Melanie and Wesna Busic, as managed by Annie,) are kind of an interesting stable. Generally, you'd assume the two wrestlers would tag and be managed by the manager, but so far it's been both Melanie and Wesna working as singles competitors and Annie managing each separately. Tonight they're changing up the formula by having Annie compete for the first time in Shimmer, tagging with her younger protege.

The other team is the Nikki Roxx and her dear friend, other undercard face. That's not true, Nikki and Ariel have tagged before, so it's not completely thrown together. Besides, they're adorable, as Nikki teaches Ariel to throw the horns and gets the crowd to chant “Ariel! Roxx!” for her.

Melanie seems to have developed a lot more personality in the five months between the last DVD and this. Maybe she just needs Annie to play off of. She pulls out some good funny heel work, accusing the ref of feeling her up and taunting Ariel for being a good foot shorter.

There's still only so much you can do with an undercard tag match, and it's formulaic as all get out. Melanie, then Annie, then Melanie again beat the hell out of Ariel until she makes the hot tag to Nikki. Melanie tries some more heel work, but no avail. Nikki hits the Barbie Crusher on Annie for the win.

52 out of 100.


Cewsh: Okay, music check. One of these teams used a quirky Beck song (E-Pro) because they are a quirky tag team full of more quirks than an episode of Perfect Strangers. That’s good. The other team used a Tool song because they wear black. This is baaaaaad. Take note.

Now you probably all know Nikke Roxx as Roxxi in TNA, and this match happened before they brought her in and then fired her an hour before her PPV title match, which they still made her go out and lose. So at least there’s not that whole thing hanging over this. Ariel, for her part, is a spunky young lady who has been Shimmer through and through for years. Melanie Cruise is tall and Annie Social has large breasts and dresses like Lita. This is not me objectifying them. That is all of the character they’ve shown.

Getting into the match, Melanie Crusie immediately hitches a ride on the heel train and may even have made little “choo choo” noises as she relentlessly mocks and abuses the referee and her opponents. This is easily the highlight of the match, which is otherwise an enjoyable, if unspectacular undercard shindig. Cruise is just vicious and nasty and mean and totally fantastic here, but it’s also really strange because Annie Social is actually her goddamn manager and doesn’t say a thing. So basically Melanie Cruise manages Annie Social throughout this match and then Annie loses to the (awesomely named) Barbie Crusher (Voodoo Drop).

Poor Goth Barbie. Toys Aren't Meant To Be Used Like That.

Still, Nikki is good as you well know, and everyone does their stuff here. Nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to come back for. Like Uncrustables, really.

65 out of 100.

Team Midcard Over The Social Circle (Oh Did I Say Circle) Following The Barbie Crusher.

Segment 3 - Tenille Gets to Talky.

Ms.Cewsh: Whoa. The lighting in the back must be awful because Tenille looks tragic. It's a short promo and she doesn't say much, so yeah. That's it.


Cewsh: Also notable is that the woman interviewing her is Amber Gertner, the former wife of Mr. Joel Gertner. Mr. Gertner is of course the tasteless joke making, neck brace wearing announcer from ECW. Amber Gertner lacks the jokes, the brace, and the ECW, but apparently she got announcing in the divorce, so things are looking up.

Segment 4 – Rachel (WHAT’S AAAAAAP?) Summerlynn vs. (Super Hardcore Anime Cannot Be Improved Upon) Lufisto.

Ms.Cewsh: Yay, two women I love to bits. Rachel is just the cutest thing. I love her look and ringwear and I just want to hug her. Lufi's awesomeness was covered last volume, but it also bares repeating. LOVE LUFI.

Plus, she has the ref check Pegaboo's legs for weapons and that's just so cute I COULD DIE!

This is a face vs. face match without a lot of story behind it, but that doesn't make it bad by any stretch. Lufi starts off at a mile a minute, really taking it to the rookie. She hits a Thesz Press before focusing on an arm. She takes Rachel down to the mat, but loses her momentum after missing a Senton.

Rachel takes her opening and concentrates on Lufi's historically bad back. It's effective, but Lufi again regains control. This time when she takes Rachel down, she locks in a vicious armbar on the arm she injured earlier and Rachel taps.

Lufi starts to walk to the back, but realizes she's forgotten Pegaboo. As she passes Rachel, she puts an arm around her and gives her a hug. Awwwww.

It's short midcard filler, but it's well wrestled and it shows growth from Rachel.

60 out of 100.


Cewsh: Before anything else, I want to congratulate Lufi on her speedy recovery from a stroke. Good for you, lady!

Secondly of all, we have our third match in a row with examples of what to do and not to do musically in independent wrestling. Lufisto’s gimmick is that she’s a super hardcore, yet adorable woman who spent a ton of time wrestling in Japan. How do you express that? J-Punk baby, and lots of it. Then Rachel Summerlyn shows up and is also adorable in a down home kind of way, and she comes out to an ultra generic guitar riff. Which, I guess, is getting into the WWE spirit, but still. No es bueno.

Now when it comes to hardcore women’s wrestling, Lufisto is the legend of legends for us here in the United States, but this is just a straight wrestling match as Lufi bullies the much bigger Summerlyn around with her ass kickery and shit kickery, and even her crockery if she could get to her kiln. Summerlyn puts up a good fight, and between this match and her ongoing feud with her trainer (Vice’s beloved Daffers) I definitely see great things for her in the future.

This isn’t the best women’s match you’ll see, but at the very least, it helped to pick this show up from the doldrums.

69 out of 100.

Lufisto over Rachel Summerlyn Following A Fujiwara Armbar.

Segment 5 – Jamilia (Tassel Overdose) Craft vs. Mercedes (I’m Scared Of Her And So Is Kobashi) Martinez.

Ms.Cewsh: RUN AWAY JAMILIA. JUST RUN AWAY.

“Jumpin'” Jamilia Craft is the youngest graduate of the Shimmer Academy and is quite impressive for a rookie of her caliber. That doesn't mean I like her chances in a match against Mercedes.

She puts on an impressive showing anyway, and like Cat Power on the last volume, uses a wildly different style from Mercedes and mixes up Martinez's formula for a more enjoyable match. Still, like all matches, Mercedes chops and Fisherman busters her way to victory.

60 out of 100.


Cewsh: Mercedes Martinez will kill you. Seriously. I mentioned last time, but it bears repeating, she delivers chops and kicks that make Kenta Kobashi and Kaval discuss staging an intervention, and she does it all while looking great, wrestling great, and having possibly the best music in Shimmer.

Kobashi: "Should We Try To Stop Her?"
Kaval: "You Go First."

To say that I like her would be sadly understating it, Mercedes Martinez is one of a kind in women’s wrestling in America, and in the best possible way. And believe me, nobody else is pulling off tattoos that literally circumvent their entire body. Trust me, don’t even try it. It would be awful.

Jamilia is a Rookie McRookie and adheres to that role with the utmost determination. She actually had a solid skillset for someone of her skill level, which is a testament to Daizee Haze and her training school. It occurs to me that most women didn’t have the benefit of being trained to wrestle by another actual woman who can help them in the ways they need to be helped. I have no idea how much of an advantage that might pose, but god knows, Daizee’s track record is pretty great thus far.

These two…well okay, Mercedes beats the unholy fuckshit out of Jamilia for awhile and then ends her with a Fisherman Buster, but hey, it was damn fun to watch as always. I’ll take Mercedes bludgeoning people while Kobashi shakes his head sadly in the background over just about anything else any day.

71 out of 100.

Mercedes Martinez Over Jamilia Craft Following A Fisherman Buster.

Segment 6 - Rayna (Hot) Von (Hot) Tosh (HOT) vs. Allison (Mazel Tov To Ya, Honey) Danger.

Ms.Cewsh: Let me get this out of the way first. Rayna is ungodly attractive. Her gimmick is that she's ungodly attractive. If you like tall, voluptuous red-heads and haven't seen her, go ahead and look her up. I'll wait.

Ok, good. This is Shimmer Women's Athletics and we are going to talk about Ms. Von Tosh's in ring abilities. She's a rookie, but she is the first graduate of the Shimmer Academy and Daizee trained her well.

“Rayna, I'm happily married, but Mazel Tov to you.” Ahahahahahaha. I love Danger. (If you don't listen to the UTADS on DivaDirt, you should do that now, too. She's hilarious in and out of the ring.)

They have a nice, fun match with Rayna surprising Danger by being young and fast, but being too cocky and posey to go for the pin. After several missed opportunities, Danger turns the tide and gets the win.

First, the match is good, but greatly elevated by a phenomenal Kellie Skater on commentary. And why isn't Portia on commentary? Because after the match Danger cuts a nice little promo about how she loves working with the new girls and how Portia should bring her butt down to the ring.

We cut to a video promo of the Ninjas outside taunting Danger. Portia asserts that she is the real main event and while Danger is home with her baby, Portia is out globetrotting. Cut back to the ring and Danger is yelling angrily at the screen while the real live Portia creeps into the ring from behind. Then, all hell breaks loose.

Leva Bates, (she was in the dark match,) and Nevaeh run down to rescue Danger, but the Social Club shows up and sends them packing. Nicole Mathews makes an appearance, accompanied by a pair of handcuffs that Portia proceeds to use in a less than conventional way. All the while, the ref flails around trying to restore order and failing miserably. The faces are dispatched, the heels shake hands, and Prazak promises suspensions for the lot of them.

64 out of 100.


Cewsh: I am not a fan of redheads, bombshells, or tall women. And yet I would cut off my right toe to be in the same room as Rayna Von Tash. Good god. She comes out to some sexy writhing music and I’m sold 100%. She may just be a student or what have you, but she has absolute control of her character and pretty much every male and female in attendance. Except, apparently, Danger. Danger has been around since the days of yore and is famous for three reasons.

1. She is the sister of Steve Corino.
2. She was the manager of the Prophecy in Ring of Honor.
3. She is the patron saint of women’s independent wrestling.

All things considered, that’s not too shabby of a resume, and add to that the fact that she is endlessly amusing in real life (check out her podcasts on Diva Dirt) and you’ve got the perfect veteran to help out the kids here and keep everyone in line here in Shimmer (which she co-owns with Prazak).

Together they have a solid, well wrestled match which is then immediately completely overruled by how awesome Portia Perez is.

Even Her Partner Sees It.

Holy shit, have I gotten this far without talking about Portia?

Portia Perez is 5 feet of bravado and awesomemazoringness. She can talk, she can wrestle, she can fight, and holy fuck can she get heat. In a promotion where NOBODY gets booed, Portia gets resounding boos each and every single time, despite the entire crowd worshipping the ground she walks on. Here she continues her feud with Allison Danger that has, to this point, involved Portia mocking Danger for having a child, replacing her as the head commentator, and basically attacking her at every turn, as she does here. She wastes Danger and chuckles about it. Then in the next goddamn segment she returns to commentary like nothing happens and continues right on, because she’s TOO AWESOME TO SELL HOW AWESOME SHE IS.

If you take nothing else away from this review, take this. Portia Perez is the best female heel on Earth right now. And her competition is so far back they’re disappearing on the horizon.

Brilliant.

67 out of 100.

Allison Danger Over Rayna Von Tash Following The Lovelace Choker.

Segment 7 – Sassy (My S’s Make Hearts!) Stephie vs. Madison (The Rizzo Of The Pink Ladies) Eagles.

Ms.Cewsh: Stephie is out first, and remember I love her even if she is a dastardly heel. Without Diamond and Rachelle, she lets her character shine far more than on the last DVD. Next, we have Madison Eagles and DAMN it's weird.

The problem with Shimmer running four shows a weekend and releasing them over the next few months is this: Madison wrestled three times that weekend. In this match, she's a returning face who's been out on the injury list. She gets a great “Wel. Come. Back.” chant, along with everyone's favorite “Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oye oye oye!”.

  *** FUTURE SPOILERS ***

In the next volume, she will turn heel on Melissa and become the number one contender. On Volume 31, she'll defeat MsChif for the belt.

We all know this, because you can't avoid spoilers for ~ 6 months. Even though they're cranking this set of DVDs out, this was still all filmed back in April. PWI did a story on the win. Shimmer's promotional work for the next set of tapings showed Madison with the strap, BEFORE anyone could buy the shows.

I can't watch this match objectively, nor can I view her as a face.

*** END SPOILERS ***

Madison is the tallest woman on the roster and absurdly lanky. She doesn't make the other girls look like toys, the way Kong or Melanie Cruise do, she just looks really really tall. She's also very experienced over in Australia and she is extremely hyped by both announcers, (Skater remains on commentary because Portia was run out of the building.)

They enter the ring and start off trading holds. Wrist locks. Armbars. Full Nelsons. Headlocks. Oh yeah, we've got them. Stephie, realizing she can't outwrestle Madison, resorts to choking, gouging at the eyes, and trying for a pin with her foot on the ropes. She also does a Russian legsweep, cementing my love.

“You can't rake the eyes for four and a half seconds, I'm sorry!” God, commentary is full of hilarious lines tonight.

Still, none of the dirty tactics are enough and Madison keeps coming back. She hits Hellbound, a Death Valley Driver to the knee, and it's lights out for Stephie.

66 out of 100.


Cewsh: It’s weird to think that Madison Eagles has already become the Shimmer Champion in the time between the show and this review. It’s especially weird since before this show I had written her off as just another one of the rookies coming over from Australia to stay for a bit and then leave for good, and yet here we are, with the future Shimmer champion, as she dresses like someone who got beat up by fabric store, and wrestles like someone who is 6 feet tall and weighs less than my pet cat (who is significantly smaller than 6 feet tall).

She perfectly fine here, and Stephie is good in her heel role, bringing some much needed spice to the proceedings, but I just can’t help but be lost in how odd it seems that they would choose Madison to be their champion with all of the other talent on the roster.

Weird.

63 out of 100.

Madison Eagles Over Sassy Stephie Following A Death Valley Driver Onto The Knees.

Segment 8 - Sarah Stock Should Loan Me Those Boots.

Ms.Cewsh: Amber Gertner is in the ring and announces the return of “Dark Angel” Sarah Stock, better known as Sarita to most of our audience. She looks 500 million times better than she has in her entire tenure with TNA, only mostly because she's wearing the cutest boots.

She's clearly not dressed to compete, so she hops in the ring to a goodly “Dark Angel” chant and grabs a mic. She's putting out a challenge to the locker room now that she's back in Shimmer, and one woman in particular. She's gunning for MsChif's title. (See rant inside spoiler tags up above for why this sucks.)

Sarah beat MsChif many moons ago and now that she's coming up on her second anniversary as champ, Sarah's going to beat her again. Amber, apparently now having the book, says this is a great idea. Tonight's main event is already booked, but Sarah will get her title shot on volume 30.

Pleased as punch, Sarah takes her cute boots to the back.

BOOTS.

Segment 9 - Cat (Stevens) Power vs. Jessie (Why Hasn’t WWE Called?) McKay.

Ms.Cewsh: After our last review, I was informed that Cat had been majorly overhyped by some fans and it earned her some “real” heat. If this statement applies to you, I urge you to reconsider. Good character heels can be hard to find on the indies and Cat's gimmick is so much fun.

She and Jessie have a nice match. Like a lot of Shimmer matches, it's technically good, but missing an emotional aspect. This leads a lot of shows to be goodgoodgoodgoodehgoodGOODgoodGREAT.

Still, there's little wrong with the match. It's just very standard.

Could Prazak try to say “Tree of Woe” one more time? I think I missed what we call that move.

59 out of 100.


Cewsh: Jessie McKay shouldn’t be here.

I don’t mean that she isn’t good enough to work for Shimmer or that she doesn’t deserve this place on the card, I mean that she flatly does not belong in any non mainstream wrestling company. She’s too beautiful, too charming, too good of a wrestler and just too damn young and eager to NOT have been signed by now. We’ve see TNA sign up a woman with about 2 professional matches under her belt because they wanted a fat woman for fuck’s sake, and yet here Jessie McKay is, completely unsought, and stealing the show with her charisma, skills, and looks. If ever you needed clear proof that the people who run things in the big leagues don’t always know what the hell they’re doing, here it is.

Cat Power doesn’t get the same ringing praise, but she’s still damn solid, and I love the idea of her getting distracted midmatch by thing

68 out of 100.

Jessie McKay Over Cat Power Folloing Star Power.

Segment 10 - Sara (Listened To Me) Del Rey vs. (Soon To Be Dueting With Cat Stevens) Tenille.

Ms.Cewsh: Tenille! I see SO much in her; she's definitely my pick of the rookies this year. Tonight she's sporting her usual ring gear, (which is my favorite in all of Shimmer,) and some FABULOUS new blonde hair. Like when I saw the stills from this match, I though Tenille had loaned her gear to a new girl, because I didn't recognize her.

Speaking of gear, let me say this nice and loud. SARA, PLEASE KEEP THE LONG TIGHTS. I've seen you since this taping and you're back to the short tights. This is a mistake. Pants. They're really, really good to you.

Del Rey is in fine form tonight. She plays off rookies very well, as they let her be the monster we expect. Tenille proves to be tough opponent, employing a lot of technical wrestling to show why she's Lance Storm's golden girl.

They stay more evenly matched than most SDR matches, as Sara underestimates Tenille at every turn. Still, Sara maintains a good portion of the offense. I mean, let's not get crazy. At one point, she drops back during a Hangman's Noose and turns it into a backstretcher, I cried in sympathy. Jesus, it's vicious looking.

Tenille fights back and locks in her own Hangman's Noose, which Sara breaks. Some more back and forth and Tenille locks in a leglock. She taunts Sara, leaning in and then just back out of reach. Perhaps this isn't wise to taunt SD FUCKING R. She bridges back and Sara sells wildly. The crowd chants “Tap, tap, tap!” and it looks like she might. When it seems hopeless, Sara finds her last reservoir of strength and kicks Tenille off. A big boot to the jaw follows, perhaps for taunting a fucking Death Rey. Del Rey hits the Royal Butterfly and gets the three.

Again, let's not get crazy. Del Rey is the star of this show and she wasn't going to tap. She was going to hit the Royal Butterfly and win. Everything before that, however, was shocking. While I have a great fondness for Tenille, she was jobbing to Rain and Malia Hosaka on the last tapings. And yet, here she is, going toe to toe with Del Rey and looking damn fine in the process.

79 out of 100.


Cewsh: Sara Del Ray is great. Tenille will be great one day soon. This match is absolutely rock solid and makes Tenille look like a star. Now enough of that, LOOK AT THIS PICTURE.

That Is A Bridging Indian Deathlock. It Isn't Making Sarah Very Happy.

77 out of 100.

Sara Del Ray Over Tenielle Following The Royal Butterfly.

Segment 11 - Madison is Kinda Heely.

Ms.Cewsh: OK, I don't know if this promo was shown at the show or not, but if it was, HOW DID YOU NOT SEE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT COMING?

Nah, She Looks Friendly.

Segment 12 - Misaki (Fellow Hello Kitty Enthusiast) Ohata vs. Daizee (♫Jump Off The Top Rope And Smoke Big Weed♫) Haze.

Ms.Cewsh: Shimmer has been trying to branch out internationally. As you can tell, we had an influx of Australian talent last year. This year, we have an agreement with S-Ovation/IBUKI (IBUKI is the promotion, S-Ovation is a company that does...something for a group of promotions, including ICE RIBBON!) to bring over four joshi wrestlers, (some posters/volume 32's disc are showing five joshis, but the fifth is Ayako Hamada who is not affiliated with the rest. Most of the girls did list Ayako as their inspiration, though, so she's like their spirit sister or something.)

First out tonight is Misaki Ohata. Ohata hasn't been wrestling for very long, about three years, but the strides she's made are pretty amazing considering she comes from NO athletic background. Apparently, she was interested in a performance job, saw a video of Fuka dancing, and decided to become a wrestler. Instead of lampooning her, she's been embraced and is a respected Junior.

She also wears cosplay to her matches and, despite being 5'1 and 120 pounds, is a submission machine.

The other half of this match is Daizee Haze, the Shimmer Academy trainer and possessor of the world's scariest abs. Daizee's been out of competition for awhile, acting as referee extraordinaire, but is back in action tonight.

I haven't watched much, okay, any, Japanese wrestling, so I was worried I wouldn't be able to enjoy this match because of the cultural differences. Fortunately, Ohata's style doesn't look any different to my eyes. It is odd to see such a little cupcake, all decked in lace, wrestle like a monster. But I'm pretty sure that's not because she's a joshi and more because she's so little and sounds like a mewing kitten.

This match is stiff, submission heavy, and full of *locks. It's gorgeously done, the crowd loved Misaki, and there were some sweet spots, particularly Ohata's Missile Dropkick which was sick and beautiful. Regular readers will know where this is going...I was bored. That's a flaw in me, not this match.

Ohata gets the win on Daizee. The crowd loves it and she's very cute and gracious. Daizee makes a terrible face, but gets up and goes to shake Ohata's hand, but attacks instead, completing her heel turn. Jamilia runs down, still all tassel-y, but wearing a Shimmer Academy shirt over her gear. She gestures to the shirt, begging Daizee to think this over. Daizee acts as though she sees, but Tiger Suplexes everyone in the ring instead. To be fair, it's not the cutest shirt. She should have tried bribing her with Sarah Stock's boots. Daizee skulks to the back, while refs run in to help the injured faces.

83 out of 100.


Cewsh: Ohata is my new favorite person. She’s adorable to the point of physical pain, and despite her total lack of experience, she still puts together one helluva match with someone who speaks a totally different language.

Did I Mention Totally Adorable?

Then she knows to stay out of the thick of things when Daizee loses her goddamn mind and starts whaling on her students and Ohata and everyone else, smashing them all with wicked Tiger Suplexs and getting the hell out of dodge.

It isn’t really popular to be a fan of Daizee Haze these days. For some reason consensus is that she’s overrated and all that sort of thing, but she is what she is. She wrestles a technical style, makes a lot of weed references, and looks like a skeleton with some muscle attached. She does what she does, and it is exactly as good as the person she’s facing. That’s what we call Carryable, boys and girls, and there are way worse things to be.

74 out of 100.

Ohata Over Daizee Haze Following A Roll Up.

Segment 13 - Tomoka (The Green Ranger) Nakagawa vs. Ayumi (The Red Ranger) Kurihara.

Ms.Cewsh: Our second joshi bout tonight is Nakagawa (heel) vs. Kurihara (face). They have an established feud in IBUKI and they're bringing it to Shimmer tonight. Ayumi seems to be slightly more well known by Americans, probably because she's branched out a bit more and also wrestles as A☆YU☆MI in Mexico.

It might be kind of risky to put two women mostly unknown to your promotion in a match against each other, but in this case, it pays off. The fans eat it up, although a lot of them don't want to boo Nakagawa.

I Wouldn't Want To Piss Off Anyone Who Vertical Leaps This High To WARM UP Either.

As for the match, it is SO good. Maybe Ohata's style wasn't different to me because she's a rookie or she was holding back against Daizee. These two...I...words...

From the second the bell rings, both women go flat out and don't stop until the pin. They wrestle hard. You can hear them hitting each other. Not just on chops, like the Shimmer women, on every. single. move. I couldn't do play by play if I wanted, but some notable moments: Ayumi's Octopus Stretch. She looks so damn happy! Nakagawa's cocky pin, fantastic heel work. Shame the fans wouldn't boo her more. Drop kicks everywhere. Ayumi's Missile wasn't quite as impressive as Ohata's, but small gripe.

Damn it, Shimmer. I'm going to have to deduct from MsChif's score, AGAIN, because you keep letting Japanese women tear down the house before she gets in the ring!

92 out of 100.


Cewsh: It’s so rare for me, these days, to get to watch a match purely as a fan. So often when I watch matches and shows now, it is either by myself, or with people who have also watched tons and tons of wrestling. So when I get the chance to watch something with Ms. Cewsh for the first time, a puro match, in this case, for the first time, it’s like seeing it newly through her eyes. She’s never seen anything like it, and even though I’ve seen gobs of the stuff, it feels somehow fresh and special now.

So with that said, this match took my breath away. It isn’t that it surprises me these days that women can have great matches, because it doesn’t. Hell SMASH.1 gave us a women’s match that Vice and I loved so much, we’ve put Shuri on our permanent “Keep track Of” list. But to see these two, basically unknown, Japanese women show up in Shimmer and completely tear the house down around the ears of their usual wrestlers is astonishing and a joy to witness. And believe you me, they do not fuck around when it comes to the house tearing. This is your match of the show. And if it weren’t for Shuri’s breakthrough performance, it would be the female match of the year.



86 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ayumi Kuihara Over Tamoka Nakagawa Following The Exploder Suplex.

Segment 14 - Shimmer Tag Team Championships - Melischif (Cheerleader Melissa and Ms.Chif) vs. The Canadian Ninjas (Portia Perez and Nicole Mathews)(c).

Ms.Cewsh: I love that Melissa took her usual outfit and gothed it up to fit MsChif's. It makes them so much less thrown together, and her more devastatingly attractive.

The Ninjas are the best heels in the company, hands down. Portia is so tiny and still up in big burly dude's faces. Plus she's scaring kids, and I can always get behind that.

I'm not sure tag matches belong in the main event, even with two such impressive teams. Melissa plays her usual role, dominating the ninjas and looking like she's having the time of her life doing it. MsChif waits patiently to get in, be MsChif, and get out.

It's good, fun, and a nice comedown from the last match, but it's not main event quality and everyone knows it. The fans are enthused, but not loud or rowdy. Just happy to see two of their favorites against the biggest heels.

Ninjas win and retain. They don't stop beating Melischif after the bell. Danger runs down and takes out Portia. She poses menacingly as we go to black.

74 out of 100.


Cewsh: So remember how I said that Portia Perez was like totally awesome? Well guess what she was in this match? That’s right, totally awesome.

From the second the Pat Benatar’s “One Winged Dove” hits, and she and Nicole Matthews step through the curtain, they are the best tag team in women’s wrestling. Not that they have much competition for that merit, but still, they kick ass. Here the story is that they have refused to put the titles on the line since they won them, so now they’re up against the two best wrestlers in the company for being such uppity shitmongers, and they’re running scared (not that they’d admit it, of course). For their part, the Shimmer champion (for this show at least) MsChif and Cheerleader Melissa are ultra badasses who have no qualms about being ultrabadasses, and don’t even really take this match seriously, expecting an easy win against the relatively unproven Canadian Ninjas.

So the Ninjas proceed to cheat about 18 billion times until their own mothers would be spitting at them from the front row, and pick up a fluke victory that is tainted even further when they start cheap shotting the hell out of Melissa and MsChif. Which would be great for them except that Danger shows up and beats ten kinds of hell out of Portia before the Ninjas head for the hills, with Danger staying in the ring demanding that they fight like metaphorical men.

See, You Totally Shouldn't Have Turned Around.

From a wrestling standpoint, this match wasn’t what it could be. There seemed to be chemistry issues, especially between Nicole Matthews and Melissa, and it led to some uncharacteristic sloppiness pervading the whole thing. But from a character work standpoint, Perez and Matthews are beyond reproach, and MsChif and Melissa know their roles so well they could play them in their sleep.

So mark my words. Portia Perez is going to be a supernova one day and I’ll be sitting on top of a mountain of ninja cookies saying I told you so. Believe it.

79 out of 100.

The Canadian Ninjas Over Melischif Following Shenanigans.

--------------------------------------------

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: This is my third or fourth time watching a Shimmer show now, so I think I’m beginning to get an idea of what to expect. A ton of matches, a fun undercard, a semi main event that will blow you away, and a main event that suffers from Wrestlemania 18 Syndrome. But honestly, if you’re asking me right now, there is no more consistently entertaining indy promotion than this one, and if I’m buying an indy DVD, you’d best believe it’s this one.

I mean fuck, it’s the only way to guarantee that Necro Butcher won’t be booked on it.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 70.72 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh's Masterpiece:

Ms. Cewsh: I love Shimmer. I'm never disappointed that I've watched it. Again, I wish their DVDs were a bit shorter; by the time the Ninjas came out, I'd half forgotten they'd already been on once. The joshis were a very pleasant surprise and Kurihara and Nakagawa completely upstaged everyone else. The undercard was a little bland. Still, it's absolutely worth the time to watch and the investment to buy. I just hope I can make it through the next three volumes before September 11 and 12.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 67.36 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed another expose on the merits of seeking you women’s wrestling somewhere that isn’t afraid to actually call them women. Stay tuned next week when we will put out an all points bulletin for TNA to actually put of TNA matches, and we’ll just have to see what we get. The World title tournament rolls on, and nobody knows where things are going from this point. But one thing’s for sure. We’ll disagree on it, and so will you. So until then, remember to keep reading, and be good to one another!