Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…
TNA HARD JUSTICE 2009
Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of the best thing to do on a Tuesday other than watch Shaq Vs. (and you can actually do both at the same time.), Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you, as we travel back through the murky badlands of TNA PPVs, and produce yet another instant classic, as we review TNA’s Hard Justice. Its hard to consistently try to convince you, the treasured reader, that these TNA shows are going to be fantastic when, historically, this is so far from the case that I keep expecting Jesus to show up and smack me with his dick for telling such big lies. Must be the Catholic in me.
At any rate, things could turn out for the best, and the eternal fire of my optimism burns bright in the face of the overwhelming unpleasantness we’re likely to be served up with. Anyway, its not like Jethro Holiday is on this show. Wait he is? FUCK.
Well with no further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!
Cewsh: Alright, so this entire video is about Matt Morgan. It’s a cool video, and it makes him look like the most ridiculously awesome prospect in wrestling history. It also makes every single other person with a match on this PPV, including the other two men in the match, look completely and entirely inconsequential. I’m glad they’re taking this opportunity to push a new star as hard as possible, but yeah, there’s other things happening on this card to, and going on this video alone, it seems like Matt Morgan might actually just be doing sit ups for 3 hours, while Stephen Hawking cheers him on.
Segment 2 – Steel Asylum Match – Number One Contendership For The TNA X Division Championship – Alex (Doesn’t Come To Your House And Slap the Dick Out Of Your Mother’s Mouth) Shelley, Chris (Hail) Sabin, (The) Amazing Red, (Christopher) Daniels, Jay (Machismo) Lethal, (Austin) Consequences Creed, Suicide, and (Elijah Burke) D’Angelo Dinero.
Cewsh Notes:
- Alright so this is a big fucking cage with a dome top with a hole in the very center, and the idea is for somebody to climb their way up through the top and escape. Whoever does this will face either Homicide or Samoa Joe at No Surrender.
-ELIJAH BURKE! YES YES YES! I now have Burke and Lashley back in wrestling. I’m in my happy place.
-The Amazing Red hasn’t so much lost a step, as he’s lost an entire foot. Poor guy. His knees are held together by duct tape.
-Its funny how TNA seems to add one new X Division personality every 6 months or so. A while ago we got Suicide, and now we get Dinero. Other than that, everyone is pretty much the same as they always are.
-WHAT A FUCKING SPEAR! Dinero just destroyed Daniels off the top rope with a spear from hell. Fuck!
-What an amazing, pointless, and gorgeous array of mindfuckingly ridiculous moves this is becoming. Just huge move after huge move, after huge move. None of it has any rhyme or reason, and all of it basically murders the crowd for whatever tries to follow this, but man these guys went insane to put on a show.
-Every move these guys have ever done in a match like this is done, and then even exceeded as they somehow find something to do in the Tower of Doom position that ISN’T THE TOWER OF DOOM! HOLY SHIT! Someone finally came up with a new idea for that!
-Dinero is making a fantastic debut for himself here, as every move he executes just looks like it absolutely eviscerates the guy who get hit with it. Great stuff.
-There’s a sequence at the end, where someone is hanging limp from the top of the cage, and D’Angelo Dinero (have to get used to the new name) has a clear chance to win the match after knocking Suicide to the ground. Instead of doing so, however, Dinero gets down, and calmly beats the everloving shit out of Suicide. When that mysterious someone recovers and wins the match, Dinero seems entirely unconcerned. It would appear that there are other forces at work here. Interesting.
This isn’t a match in any recognizable sense, and the majority of my brain was rebelling all the way through it for a million reasons. But whatever was wrong with this match (and there is a lot wrong with a match where guys just do moves to each other for no reason in a cage), what was genuinely right was that this match was goddamn fun to watch. Yes, I know, I’m a terrible mark for thinking so, but I can’t help it. I got caught up in the beauty and the destruction, the grace and the viciousness, the brutality and the ballet is why there is an X Division to begin with. I guess I have to come to terms with that.
80 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: Turnbuckle pads: Black
Ring skirt: Black
Ring ropes: Red
Dome: Red
Ring Apron: White/gray/silver
Chris Sabin: black, red and silver
Alex Shelley: black, red and silver
Amazing [black and..] Red: black, red and silver
Christopher Daniels: black, red and white
Suicide: black, red and white
D’Angelo Dinero: black, red and silver
Jay Lethal: black, red and white
Consequences Creed: BLUE, red and white
Fucking hell. Hopefully they buy more COLORS with the money they’re saving from firing Don West. Well, I dunno-- colors are expensive and Don West was probably being underpaid because TNA = Totalitarian Niggardly ASSHOLES. Yeah, I went there.
(Cewsh Note: nig⋅gard⋅ly
1. reluctant to give or spend; stingy; miserly. 2. meanly or ungenerously small or scanty: a niggardly tip to a waiter.
Please don't send angry emails.)
It’s good to see that Daniels has shaved his ridiculous fu manchu, and looks a thousand times better. He just couldn’t pull that look off. Maybe he’ll grow the goatee out again, or go all out and bring the beard back. Either way is awesome. Anything that isn’t the fu manchu is awesome.
ELIJAH BURKE is here, motherfuckers. He has a bit of a silly name, but I can definitely see it catching on in due time. I kinda like it, even though Elijah Burke is a really awesome name.
This is one of the most ridiculous matches I’ve seen in quite some time, and I mean that. It’s like they found Don West’s crack stash and all smoked it while standing in the gorilla position, ‘cause the match was incredibly fast-paced and absolutely downright motherfucking sisterbanging daughterpoking balls to the wall cock slapped against the refrigerator booty through the skylight Don West swimming in your baseball cards insane. I mean that. Vice does not lie.
Aside from Burke sparking something with Suicide towards the end, there was no story. There was no psychology. It was just a tower of doom-filled carnival sideshow attraction with people flying all over the place and having their heads smashed into the canvas in every way imaginable, and THEN some. It was a terrible match in a plethora of ways, but it was one of the most fun matches I’ve seen in forever. “WWE DON’T DO THIS SHIT, YO”, screameth TNA. “HEY GUYS WHAT ABOUT A SWERVE!!!”, sayeth Russo. Wait a sec—who invited Russo?
Burke had a wonderful debut and Daniels wins a ridiculous match. I don’t think I have anything to complain about. Daniels vs. Homicide would be awesome. Daniels vs. Joe could be awesome, going by their past matches. Though, Joe doesn’t seem motivated at all and is sluggish as hell as we all know by now. I’d say that it’d be a huge test to see exactly is up with Joe, though, and whether he still has gas left in the tank these days. Joe might be mailing it in due to his terribly poor booking, but I think he respects Daniels way, way, way too much to be a lazy shit in the ring with him. If anything, he’ll want to prove to Daniels that he still has that amazing beast of a wrestler inside of him. So that means that 1) Joe is shown to actually be really bad, 2) Joe will show everyone that he’s still got it, or 3) Joe will try to show that he’s still got it, but ends up having a heart attack in the middle of the ring and dies. It would be very tragic..
..if Daniels didn’t win the title because the title can only change hands via pinfall or submission, and not in the event of death. Of course all of that babbling could be utterly meaningless if Homicide wins tonight, but I have a feeling that Joe is going to take it for the Mafia.
Daniels Over Everyone Following Getting His Ass The Fuck Out The Hole, Motherfuckers.
Segment 3 – Daniels Wears More Eye Shadow Than Your Sister. And Your Sister’s A Whore.
Cewsh: Daniels gives a post match interview with Borash saying that he’ll beat either Homicide or Joe, but that he’d prefer Joe so that they could settle their unfinished business. He then makes a point of telling AJ Styles that he’s pulling for him and that this win was for him. I’m calling it now, some motherfucker of those two is turning heel. They are entirely too buddy, buddy friendship sparkles and hugs galore for it not to be leading to something. Just a hunch.
Segment 4 – This PPV Should Be Called Hard Morgan.
Cewsh: Because he’s excited, and the show is all about him. Get it? Bah, you’re hopeless.
Anyway, Morgan relates the saga of how the Main Event Mafia were huge meany faces to him, so he decided to go into business for himself, and as a result is going to be winning the title tonight. He MIGHT win, I’m no psychic or anything, but somehow, I’m not ready to bet the farm (someone else’s farm maybe) on it. Sorry Matt.
Segment 5 - $50,000 Bounty…Match? – Jethro (Seriously?) Holiday vs. (Buyer Of Enormous Leather Pants) Abyss.
Cewsh: Alright. Let’s get through this together.
The idea here is that Dr. Stevie is willing to pay $50,000 for someone to maim Abyss. Yes, not beat him in a wrestling match, PHSYCIALLY MAIM HIM, leaving him crippled, conceivably in front of the eyes of children in the audience. Despite this obvious flaw in the concept, TNA greenlights a match anyway between Abyss and…Jethro Holiday? Better known to most as Trevor Murdoch from the WWE, Holiday had about a cup of coffee in TNA during the tag tournament, and promptly disappeared until now. Here he will attempt to, and let me reiterate here, MAIM Abyss.
The match starts off with some brawling. Then there’s some brawling. Then Dr. Stevie comes down and he starts helping Holiday, so he starts brawling back. Then they brawl some more, with assorted brawling and even a little brawling. Then, when they get sick of brawling, they begin exchanging punches. Then they say to hell with that and go back to brawling. Then there’s some Dr. Stevie stuff, then more brawling, then the match ended. I have to say, I had to rewind twice, because both times my attention wandered too much to even notice that the match had ended. Was this whole match a figment of my imagination? I hope I don’t hate myself that much.
Yawn.
50 out of 100.
Vice: I liked Murdoch in WWE because he was pretty spiffy. He was also part of a lovely tag team in a completely dry tag division, which made him stand out a lot. In TNA, where he does not need to be, I really couldn’t care less about him. When I first saw him, I was like “huh.. cool” and then came to the conclusion that he should fuck off. He’s a good wrestler, but not someone I care about anymore.
The only good thing about them getting like a 45 minute match on PPV is that I get to listen to Don West’s sweet, angelic voice for that much longer.
Abyss wins. Holiday loses.
Holy shit! It’s Sign Girl, and she knows what’s up.
Thanks for stopping in, chica.
Abyss Over Holliday Following The Black Hole Slam.
Segment 6 – Kurt Eats Dirt. HA!
Cewsh: A freshly shaven Kurt Angle, looking like your creepy pedophile grampa assuming you have one, I don’t mean to get all up in your life or anything, says that Matt Morgan’s action were rash and poorly thought out and he will win the match.
These segments are a lot easier to cover if they’d stop lasting all of 12 seconds. THINK OF ME, TNA. C’MON.
Segment 7 – TNA Briefcase…Match? – Big (Apparently We’re Going With That Now) Rob vs. (Hotstuff) Hernandez.
Cewsh: You may be wondering why I keep putting question marks next to the gimmicks of these matches. That’s because, while these are the names attached to these matches, they’re actually just completely normal wrestling matches, where people are going to win something if they win. Except that they’re TREATED like gimmick matches. Its very confusing.
Anyway, here we have Big Rob (Rob Terry), an impressive physical specimen who is, nonetheless, probably the worst professional wrestler alive today, and Hernandez, who is the current recipient of TNA’s annual “Push a midcarder to the main event and see what happens” push. After they come out, Hernandez cuts a promo referring to the Impact Zone as his yard, because there are so many Mexicans in Florida. Then he says that there won’t be a wrestling match. Then the wrestling match begins, and Hernandez throws Magnus and Williams out of the ring, gives Rob a shoulder block and wins the match.
Wait, what?
Yes, that’s right. Proving himself right, Hernandez beats the entire British Invasion in less than 10 seconds, getting his briefcase with the World Title shot back in the process. Now bear something in mind, if you will. Hernandez just beat the entire stable, and Magnus and Williams STILL HAVE A MATCH TONIGHT. In other words, if Beer Money loses to them, Hernandez could probably effortlessly beat them too. Fantastic way to keep interest in the card there boys and girls. Just dandy.
Ah well, frankly I’m incredibly grateful that this match only got 10 seconds, because otherwise it would have been a strong contender for Worst Match of the Year. As such,m I will reward them for their brevity and awesomeness.
75 out of 100.
Vice: SuperMex says there will be no wrestling match. Which obviously means that the second a punch is thrown in their “fight”, a BELL rings signaling a match. A match that ends in a pinfall. WHO INVITED YOU, RUSSO?
Rob Terry, the most muscular man in TNA and someone who would be incredibly intimidating if he wasn’t a crooked toothed tea drinking homosexual, gets pinned with a shoulder block and only a shoulder block. In like 5 seconds. I’m not shitting you. It was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen, barring Daffers. I loved what they did with this match. On paper, it looked awful. “Big Rob” as they call him now is utterly worthless and makes Matthew’s air consumption not seem so undeserving. SuperMex is awesome, but Rob Terry is very much not. Ric Flair in his prime would not be able to carry Big Rob’s dumb sack of shit self to a quarter star match. The fact that TNA made the match 5 seconds long is one of the best decisions they’ve ever made. It’s like the opposite of firing Don West in terms of decision making (you assholes). Now if they sack Big Rob…..
Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the entire match, in gif form.
Hernandez Over Big Rob Following A Shoulder Block of All Things.
Segment 8 – Beer Money Are Concerned With Neither Beer, Nor Money.
Cewsh: Beer Money angrily explains that they’ve been off their game for a few months, but intend to restart their winning ways tonight against the hapless Brits. Then they say that they need to get back to their strengths, which as they see them are, and I quote: “Making cash, and getting trashed.” Both of which are nice pursuits, but, um, not exactly helpful in winning this match, are they? Guys?
Segment 9 – IWGP World Tag Team Championships – The British (Jobbers) Invasion © vs. Beer (Glug) Money (Ching) Inc.
Cewsh: So here we have the IWGP title match. Except that we shouldn’t be having it, because New Japan never gave TNA permission to put the IWGP titles on the British Invasion. TNA just went ahead and did it without asking anybody, pissing off just about everyone drawing breath in the process. Now we have this match. Yippee.
The match starts with Eric Young joining Tenay and West at the broadcast table, and preaching the good name of the World Elite, of which both he and the Brits are apart. Then everybody comes out and off they go with the match. Its basically your run of the mill Beer Money match of the past few months, where Beer Money will do their thing, and whoever their facing will do their best not to fuck up, and it all sort of collapses into an inoffensive mush. If Beer Money had one single other team worth facing in TNA then maybe I could really get back behind them as my favorite tag team, but its just fucking impossible when everyone they face is either awful in the ring, or so freshly formed, they don’t have any cohesion yet. Its truly sad to see.
Anyway, you know how the story plays out. Beer Money play the plucky babyfaces, get in all of their signature moves, Eric Young tries his best to interfere, and then the ending happens. Somewhere in between, 15 minutes went by, but with a gun at my head I couldn’t tell you where they went. Ho hum.
I will take this time, however, to talk about how fucking awesome Eric Young has been lately. I was one of Young’s biggest detractors, simply because his act and look were so stale they bordered on cruel and unusual punishment. Now, though, with a faction following him, and a whole new look and attitude, Young has become one of the best things going in TNA right now, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Way to turn that bad situation around, TNA. Full props on that one.
70 out of 100.
Vice: It’s so amazing how much Magnus has evolved since he was brought in as a ridiculous gladiator. Clear proof that there is such a thing as the wrong gimmick for the wrong person, and that someone can succeed and be extremely awesome if put in the right situation. Another thing that’s amazing is how TNA put the IWGP titles on the British Invasion without New Japan’s permission and actually got away with such a thing. That’s just bad, stupid business right there.
Cewsh brought up a good point while we were watching this. How many GOOD matches has Beer Money actually had? By the end of AMW, it was painfully clear that the gem of the team was now James Storm, having put Chris Harris’ abilities to shame. Yeah. All of them. AMW was a massive tag team in TNA and they had a ton of fantastic matches. James Storm was a star. Robert Roode was the star of another fantastic TNA tag team in Team Canada, and was destined to be a major player in the world of TNA. So, you have the best of two tag teams combining their forces into Beer Money, Inc.. and they don’t have very good matches. They both have wonderful personalities that complement one another quite well. And they’re both good workers. They have good chemistry. They both have a ton of tag experience. What’s wrong? Lack of other teams? Laziness? The fact that it’s TNA? I don’t know. If they’ve had good matches with people outside of LAX (which I can’t even remember if they were good), please let me know. I’m quite curious.
Now that you’ve just read my previous paragraph, I hope you’re not expecting me to say “WHOA THIS MATCH WAS AWESOME”, because it wasn’t. It just wasn’t. It was solid like most Beer Money matches, but that’s it.
The British Invasion Over Beer Money Inc. Following A Sneaky Pin.
Segment 10 – Ants, And Possibly Other Creatures, In Their Pants.
Cewsh: Cody Deaner is going to win the TNA Knockout Championship.
Just deal with it. Take it in, and accept it. Its going to happen. God help us all.
Segment 11 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Angelina (Yum) Love © and Velvet (Num) Sky vs. O (Old) D (Decrepit) B (Bar Maid) and Cody (Oh Jesus Fuck, Why?) Deaner.
Cewsh: Or maybe he won’t.
Shit, I don’t know, I’m disgusted by this whole affair. First we have ODB and Deaner, who were one trick ponies, if they even had a trick to begin with, and then you have the Beautiful people who have been carrying the Knockout Division on their backs since they booked Kong into oblivion. You have them in a tag team match against each other, where, according to some vague assurances, if Love’s team wins, she gets the title, and if ODB’s team wins, she gets the title. So they have this sad sack “match” where Deaner basically gropes and molests the Beautiful People to jealous catcalls from the crowd, acting for all the world like something out of Deliverence, and then he does it some more, and then some more, and then some more, and then Madison accidentally sprays perfume into the eyes of Velvet Sky, and Deaner covers her for the victory. Then, after ODB takes the belt and celebrates, Deaner steals the belt and runs off with it.
Oh for fucking, fucks sake.
Let me get this straight. This division, which was built to give women’s wrestling an opportunity to be respected, credible and important, is now going to be captained either by the most stale, and least talented member of its talent pool, or by a man who is, himself, a joke, and about 1 gimmick step away from a rapist. I’m ripping my hair out in frustration at this because they could have done literally ANYTHING else and it would have made more sense. Anything! Put the belt on Madison Rayne and have her use it as a coaster and defend it against herself. Better idea! Especially since Spike TV’s one fucking rule for TNA to follow was no male on female violence on Impact. For fuck’s sake, why the the glorious name of blood and fuck would you give the title to a man in the fucking women’s division with that rule being enforced on you? What the shit kind of blubbercunting deathwish must you have to consider this a solid plan for your company? And why, if you must go through with this, could you not find some gasping, desperate way to make this a watchable match for fucks sake? Why? WHY?
23 out of 100.
Vice: It’s amazing how little ODB has changed. It’s amazing how little people seem to care about her these days. It’s amazing how little she’s been used in the grand scheme of things. It’s amazing how red Velvet Sky’s ass is from getting slapped so many times. It’s amazing how little I care about ODB. I used to like her, you know. It’s amazing how big Sky’s tits are now. I bet they look awful.
This was a fucked up match. It was mostly comedy, but that doesn’t mean it was fucking fucked diddly up like a fucking motherfuckity fuck. Whenever Cody Deaner was in the ring, it was like a rapist in the ring. He was slapping the asses of the Beautiful People, he was grabbing their asses, rubbing them all over, implying sex, and kissing them, sometimes going so far as to shove his tongue down their throats. It was as awful as TNA firing Don West, especially because fans were CHEERING this. Yeah the Beautiful People are whores and heels, but it was still atrocious to see the face completely and utterly violating the women in this match. If Cornette was in charge, he’d make sure that men would be banned from ringside during Knockout matches from now on. He wouldn’t stand for this. He’d be the hero (an actual hero, not the short one that posts about Power Rangers) here. This was just fucking stupid and shit like this really do make me embarrassed to be a wrestling fan.
One plus to all of this is that it appears the third girl (whatever the ugly girl’s name is) is in massive shit with the two girls whose names I do actually know. So hopefully she gets killed and fucks off like Rob Terry. Worthless whore.
Cody Deaner and ODB Over The Beautiful People Following A Roll Up.
YOUR NEW TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION: Somebody!
Segment 12 – Tazz Hates It When Bitches Be Asking Him Questions.
Cewsh: Actually I don’t know if he does or not. I realize that’s sort of a broad sweeping statement that may reflect poorly on the man, so I sincerely apologize if I have misrepresented him in any way.
Heh, he’s short.
Anyway, Tazz cuts a promo about how Joe is primed and in the zone and ready to destroy Homicide. I don’t think much of Homicide’s chances here, and I’ve been pretty much spot on so far tonight. GO GO POWER JOE!
Segment 13 – TNA X Division Championship – (The Notorious) Homicide © vs. (The Exorbitant) Samoa Joe.
Cewsh: This PPV has been a little haphazard, so let’s play Cewsh’s Over The Top Play By Play, shall we?
Samoa Joe and Homicide make their entrances, Joe with Tazz, and Homicide once again conspicuously without his former/current partner, Hernandez. They get into the ring, and as the belt is presented, its hard to not get chills running down your spin, if you were at all a fan of the days when Joe was the Godzilla of the X Division. The match begins and they lock up, with Joe immediately taking control, overpowering Homicide completely. Homicide tries to use his superior speed to outpace the much stronger Joe, but in the opening minutes of the bout, Samoa Joe effortlessly controls the tempo, keeping Homicide from finding any holes in the unstoppable wall of offense that he is faced with. Finally though Joe, characteristic of his performances of late, makes a simple mistake, and in a flash, Homicide is all over him, taking out his knees and doing his level best to press the assault as viciously as he can. Bewildered and gasping for air, the bigger man looks to his mentor for help but finds nothing but a solemn face and instructions to win there. Homicide continues to make the most of every opportunity, leaping through the air and nailing Joe with every move in his arsenal, while trying to figure out how to get a move like the Gringo Killah on to someone as big as Joe.
Instead of going for the finish, Homicide sets up a suplex, but Joe is too much for him and powers out of it. Then Joe, as enraged as he is hurt, launches into an all out offensive on Homicide, resulting in the champion being flung bodily here and there, before Samoa Joe finally locks in his patented and deadly Read Naked Choke hold, pulling Homicide to the ground with him. Homicide struggles to stay ahead of the blood vessels throbbing in his head, as with maniacal precision, Joe slowly closes off his breathing passages. Finally, with no recourse presented to him, Homicide submits to the will of the larger man, relinquishing the championship and the small part of his pride which will reside forever in this ring on this night. The victorious new champion, Joe poses and postures in the ring with his mentor, the defiant and conquering hero, savoring the kill. He looks at the reclaimed X Division championship as if to say, this is my property, this is my destiny, this is my home.
Well, Joe’s back. Watching this match, you may well think that he had never truly left, as he dug into his old arsenal to pull out some of the tricks he was once known for, before he started wrestling guys like Sting and Kevin Nash every week. Was Joe 100% the Joe of old? Nope. He seemed out of shape, a step behind, and a little vacant in the ring. The storyline, which has painted him, improbably, as a rookie in need of guidance seems to have gone into his matches, and while I appreciate the detail, it doesn’t help his match quality.
This match was good, and came packed with nostalgia. But don’t come here seeking the past. You’ll only go home disappointed.
78 out of 100.
Vice: What the fuck. Joe was on fire here. Well, it’s not the catastrophic inferno of awesomeness like back in the day (especially when TNA still had Don West as an employee), but it was a fire big enough to take down a neighborhood at the very least. Ah, the wonders of Joe fighting young, small people instead of old, big people. Jesus. It just worked.
I really liked the ending with Homicide just tapping out. I’m so tired of people surviving submission holds for like 20 minutes only to have them power out, especially chokes. With chokes, you can’t realistically fight through the pain, because there is no pain; just a severe lack of blood/oxygen to the brain which means you = x.x, and if you are x.x, you are not powering out. If you have someone twice your size with a choke totally locked in and you’re not going anywhere, just end it. Tap out. It doesn’t make you look weak. It shows intelligence on your part, because if you’re going to lose one way or another, you may as well tap out and make sure he lets go of your neck while you can still move. Passing out with a big evil bastard with his arm around your neck is a bad idea. It reminded me a lot of William Regal whenever he wrestled Benoit. Benoit would always slap the crossface on, and Regal would always tap out the second it was firmly locked in. Why? ‘Cause he’s going to tap out anyway, so he may as well be intelligent and spare his body.
Samoa Joe over Homicide Following The Rear Naked Choke.
YOUR WINNER AND NEW TNA X DIVISION CHAMPION: SAMOA JOE!
YOUR WINNER AND NEW TNA X DIVISION CHAMPION: SAMOA JOE!
Segment 14 – Kurt Eats Dirt Part 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Cewsh: Kurt isn’t feeling too good about his chances to retain the title tonight in the three way, so he goes into Morgan’s dressing room to ask him to team up against Sting in the match, saying that if either Morgan or Angle wins, Morgan is in the Main Event Mafia. Morgan bites at this, they make real nice, and then the segment ends as one big happy family.
And Borash. Silly Borash.
Vice:
Envious Vice: Morgan is massive.
Envious Vice: I also love how he's wearing a watch.
DashboardFonz: Its about time he wore a watch.
DashboardFonz: He gestures to it all match long.
Envious Vice: TNA should sign Boogeyman and have him manage Morgan. Boogeyman always has a clock with him.
DashboardFonz: Ahahaha, instead of pointing to his wrist, he could point to Boogey.
Envious Vice: Yup.
DashboardFonz: "HEY BOOGEY! WHAT TIME IS IT!?!
Envious Vice: And Boogey then shows him the clock.
Envious Vice: If it's not time, Boogey looks sad.
DashboardFonz: Ahahahaha.
Envious Vice: If it's time, Boogey does his Boogeyshuffle.
DashboardFonz: That's amazing.
DashboardFonz: I'm actually giggling considering this.
DashboardFonz: Think of the possibilities as guest timekeeper.
Envious Vice: I'd like Morgan to say "IT'S TIME!" and go for the hellevator, only for it to be reversed. Then Morgan can shout out "THAT'S NOT WHAT TIME IT IS!!!"
DashboardFonz: Ahahahaha.
Envious Vice: I can imagine Vader showing up once, too...
DashboardFonz: "ITS TIME"
DashboardFonz: No wait!
DashboardFonz: "IT’S VADER TIME!"
Envious Vice: Exactly.
DashboardFonz: Boogey could manage them as a tag team.
DashboardFonz: "ITS TIME, ITS TIME, ITS VADER...wait, hey Boogey, is it Vader time yet?"
Envious Vice: Ahaha.
Envious Vice: WAIT.
Envious Vice: NO.
Envious Vice: EVEN BETTER.
Envious Vice: Vader can be Matt Morgan's MegaZord.
Envious Vice: When he truly needs help (which is not often), he can call in Vader to save the day.
Envious Vice: The thought of Vader giving Morgan a piggyback ride as Morgan punches and kicks his opponent makes me happy inside.
DashboardFonz: Ahahaha, that would be amazing. Especially since Vader is smaller, older, and fatter.
Envious Vice: Yes~!
Envious Vice: He'd have to wear his super cool mask from back in the day.
DashboardFonz: Everyone should do that, though, not just Morgan.
DashboardFonz: Anyone who is getting beaten up can summon LORD VADER.
Envious Vice: That'd be awesome.
DashboardFonz: Imagine Shark Boy against Kurt Angle. Shark Boy is getting demolished and then...
DashboardFonz: "I SUMMON LORD VADER"
Envious Vice: A heel GM can have a cool staff, too. During matches with his buddies involved, he can throw the staff in the middle of the ring as he yells "MAKE MY BASTARD GROOOOOW!"
DashboardFonz: Ahahahahaha.
Envious Vice: The lights go out and when they come back on, Shark Boy is an actual 15 foot shark.
DashboardFonz: Amazing.
Envious Vice: Then you can have a gimmick where a small boobed Knockout (are there any?) steals the staff, throws it down and tries to make her boobs grow.
Envious Vice: But it backfires and her nose grows, and she becomes a witch.
Envious Vice: And then she can start dating Shark Boy.
Envious Vice: And Shark Boy has her create an army of Sharkticons.
Envious Vice: Obviously with an army of Sharkticons, he becomes world champion.
DashboardFonz: Only to be savagely attacked by Daffers.
Envious Vice: OOH OOH. Yes, bring in Daffers as Shark Girl.
Envious Vice: And then they can make a porno.
Envious Vice: And I'll masturbate fu
riously.DashboardFonz: Then the promotion is renamed Total Nonstop Sharksex.
Envious Vice: How can WWE compete with Total Nonstop Sharksex?
Envious Vice: I'm going to end this by saying that jc7875 cannot compete with my booking.
DashboardFonz: You should challenge him to a book-off.
Envious Vice: That'd be like a seal trying to take down a t-rex.
Segment 15 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – No Disqualification Match - Harlem Steiners (Booker T and Scott Steiner) © vs. Team 3D(onut Minimum).
Cewsh: They did the best that they could.
Booker bumped around, Steiner did things his old ass has no business attempting, Team 3D tried to work around there severe restriction, with brawling, weapons, and tables. They all did the absolute best they could to produce the best match that they were, as a foursome, possibly capable of. I was leaning towards giving them the benefit of the doubt, and giving them a good score when the finish happened. So much for the good score.
Essentially what happened is this:
Both Booker T is knocked out and D’Von is right near to him, Brother Ray is stumbling around dazed. IN THEORY, D’Von and Steiner cover their alter egos at the same time, and since there was a second ref out there following a ref bump, we have two different winners. Of course, that is not how this happened. Steiner misses his cue, and D’Von lays on top of Booker for about 30 seconds before the ref bother to start counting it. Then the ref counting for Steiner decides to fast count. Then they decide that they need to leave the ring to review the finish after the refs see that they both have different winners. They go up the ramp, talk, and WITHOUT SEEING ANY INSTANT REPLAY FOOTAGE, decide that Stiner and Booker have won.
WHAT?!
Why was this a necessary way to end this match? There isn’t any other possible finish they could have worked out to make everyone look like less of a knobhead? Now I feel goddamn dirty for considering nice thoughts about the match earlier. Bad Cewsh! Bad!
60 out of 100.
Vice: In one corner, you have arguably one of the best tag teams ever and certainly one of the most decorated, if not THE most decorated (with meaningful titles, mind you) tag team of all time. Then you have the best of Harlem Heat teaming up with the better of the Steiner Brothers. Remove the rules and fight through the crowd, and what do you get?
Hmm.. what’s the word I want to use. How about..
FLOP?
Okay, so it wasn’t thaaaaaat bad. It was actually a lot better than it had any right to be, but like typical TNA, they just couldn’t let us witness a clean victory. It’s almost as bad as firing Don West, you assholes. I hate you, TNA.
The Heat Brothers Over Team 3D Following Shenanigans.
Segment 16 – The Tweet And Tweak Connection. I Will Never Type That Again.
Cewsh: Mick is still all butthurt because Kevin Nash is only in the business for the money and the power. Did he just meet Kevin Nash or something? Besides, its not like Nash has even been a jerk to Foley in this feud. He’s actually been levelheaded, straightforward, and classy. Mick, on the other hand, has been jumping through tables, yelling a lot, and stealing belts with outside interference.
Something not quite right here, yeah?
Segment 17 – TNA Legends Championship – Mick (Please Retire) Foley © vs. Kevin (Please Never Retire) Nash.
Cewsh: I refuse to do a play by play account of two old men who can hardly walk beating each other bloody in front of a crowd that is completely apathetic, for a belt that means nothing, in a promotion with no concept of how to frame something like this properly.
I refuse. The end.
50 out of 100.
Vice: This match was almost as sad as I was when I heard the news about Don West being fired. Two broken down old fogeys, battered and bloody, limping around the ring trying to make the other one even bloodier. Foley sold his bleeding well. For a few seconds I was legitimately thinking something had gone massively wrong, and then it all made sense. Still sold it well though. Nash had a pretty grand blade job as well.
This match was just all kinds of wrong, though. Saying the crowd gave a rat’s ass would be stretching it a lot. The finish irritated the bijesus out of me, too. Seriously, can TNA just not have clean finishes? I mean, Traci Brooks runs down to the ring and I honestly thought her paper-thin breast skin was going to rip off with the momentum of her implants bouncing up and down. Then she gets up on the ring apron and distracts Foley for half a second before Nash kicks Foley in the face, knocking him into Traci which in turn knocks her off the apron, and then Nash picks up the win. Why couldn’t Nash just be the better man here and simply kick Foley in the face for the win? Why does TNA need to have some sort of two second distraction/interference at the end of every match that does not feature an even more convoluted and ridiculous shenanigans?
Fuck you for firing Don West and fuck you for never having clean finishes. Hey, maybe that’s why no one buys your PPVs? Because you want to see how the story ends, and it NEVER ends on PPV? Ugh.
Kevin Nash Over Mick Foley Following Shenanigans.
YOUR NEW TNA LEGENDS CHAMPION: KEVIN NASH!
Segment 18 – Sting Is Never Gonna Make You Cry, Never Gonna Say Goodbye.
Cewsh: Sting is asked what he thinks about Morgan and Angle ganging up on him in their match. He responds by going on some rambling speech about never giving up hope and conquering the evil and all that and punctuates it by implying that honor will return to TNA when AJ Styles comes back.
Alright, something is definitely brewing with AJ. Verrrry interesting.
Segment 19 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt (The Worst Thing To Happen To Women Since Petticoats) Angle © vs. Matt (Oh, Is He On This Show?) Morgan vs. (The Desktop Icon) Sting.
Cewsh: Here we have the rare specimen known as “The TNA Main Event Featuring Someone New”. These are very rare indeed, and whenever we get the chance to have one, we should all, as one, join hands to bask in the warm glow of its uniqueness. Unfortunately, they packed on two of the old guard for this one, just in case we were entirely unwilling to try anything new, which is amusing when you consider how bad the buyrates have been recently anyway for these PPVs. Are TNA fans really going to not order a TNA PPV because its headlined by Matt Morgan? They don’t buy them anyway!
I digress. This match is essentially built from the ground up to highlight and put over Matt Morgan. From the start he is pretty much entirely dominant, throwing Sting and Angle around with ease. Angle and Morgan’s tenuous partnership actually lasts until about halfway through the match when Angle accidentally caused Morgan to fall outside of the ring. Morgan pushes Angle, Angle is indignant, Morgan wipes the sweat off of his chest and flicks it at Angle, Angle slaps Morgan upside the head, and Morgan plants his enormous foot in Angle’s face at high velocity. Such is life. The match continues with Morgan dominating Sting, and getting a near NEAR fall, which of course would have just been a fall except that Earl Hebner got knocked out. Of course. This allows Kurt Angle to come in with a chair and, well, shenanigans.
Alrighty. So as an attempt to get Morgan over as a credible monster, this match passes with flying colors. Both Sting and Angle let Morgan murder them and look completely in control all match long. As an attempt to put Morgan solidly in a program with the champion, it was a success there too, as the finish clearly leaves enmity between them. As a match on its own, however, this doesn’t quite get soaring marks. Sting came off feeling like a COMPLETE afterthought here, and the finish essentially erased and made pointless the entire match leading up to it. Also, it resulted in YET ANOTHER controversial finish, leading me to believe that as the booking team gets shaken up, they must have fired the guy with the manual for booking clean finishes. I mean, seriously, there was not one single piece of conflict resolution on this entire show, and while its acceptable in this match, the long string of similar finishes made this one seem abrupt, pointless, and silly.
Morgan did his bit. Time will tell if he has the ability to make it all the way. With all this leveled against him, I can’t see can he possibly could.
75 out of 100.
Vice: Angle: I really miss his beard and hair. He really does look like a penis now. Or, rather, looks like a penis again. At least grow the beard back, Angle. You were so cool with it. Angle was recently busted for HGH, stalking Rhaka Biggers after beating the shit out of her and probably like 40 other things and is currently out on bail. Kurt Angle is awesome and a true American hero.
Sting: I'd much prefer him in the role of a manager or mentor or SOMETHING that isn't wrestling in the ring. He's not bad, but he doesn't have any business still main eventing and winning the title at Bound for Glory 3 years in a row. Will he make it 4 years? 5? He also needs a massive overhaul with his look. He's been crow Sting for over a decade, but it's not cool at all anymore. Or relevant. Sure his look has "evolved" over the years by adding stupid patches of colors to his attire, having a more singlet-esque top part of his outfit which shows off exactly how old and undefined his pecs are, how flabby his back is, and his silly looking shoulders. Then you have his stupid MECHANIX MECHANIX MECHANIX MECHANIX MECHANIX gloves that are just so dumb. He needs to do something with his hair, too. It's not even normal looking healthy hair. It's become that Stone Age grandfather fuzz that is oh so unappealing on main event talent. And he's balding like a motherfucker and his hairline has receded so much that his face paint looks atrocious. Arg. And the stupid Howie Mandel patch of hair under his lip. Face it, Sting looks awful. Now that Don West is out of a job via douchebaggery, perhaps he'll sell Sting some health products and a hair restoration procedure.
Morgan: It's good to see him being tested out as a major player, main eventing a PPV in the main event with Sting and Angle. Yeah, those are some big names right there. He's evolving and getting really good, and TNA is going to continue to push the fuck out of him because it's working, and Morgan can hang with the top guys. There is a reason why Morgan's DNA was sent into space, you know.
The match was fairly good and I liked a number of things about it. Morgan and Angle had an alliance going in, which means that they're going to go at it at some point during the match. But here's what I liked about it: they were on the same page for like 80% of the match. Most alliances generally last like 3 minutes and mean nothing. But here it worked very well with the two of them working well together to take down Sting, only to have Angle accidentally screw Morgan over in a very innocent way. Morgan becomes furious and shit hits the fan and Morgan ends up killing Angle.
This part was amazing:
The best part about how it was done, was that Angle came out looking the victim even though he started it. It's what Matthew does to all kinds of people. He should get his name changed to Godfather Korea. Anyway, the end comes about with Angle going crazy with a steel chair which made the other 99% of the match completely meaningless and, of course, wasn't a clean finish at all. He thwacked Morgan by accident, but ends up pinning him. I'd have preferred a clean finish, though I suppose it does make Morgan look a bit more like a tank, needing a nasty chair to the face to be pinned. And I liked how the experience of Sting and Morgan was shown. Sting was able to get out of the way of the chair while Morgan takes it in the face. Sting takes a chair shot himself, but he's a veteran so he knows to land as close to the ropes as possible, and just like Don West from TNA, he disappears into the night. While Angle could have had a choice of who to pin, Sting made it so that only Morgan could be the lamb. Yeah, Sting still lost, but in multi-men matches it's always good to not be the one to take the pinfall so he can use that as a bargaining chip to get some sort of rematch in the future. A good effort from Morgan for sure, and a solid match overall.
Kurt Angle Over Everyone Else Following A Chairshot On Morgan.
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Cewsh’s Conclusions:
Cewsh: I’ve been told that Vince Russo is the man who is stirring this booking pot now, and that this is really the first PPV under his direct control. As a result we had no clean finishes, a Cewsh Reviews record number of segments (the old record was 17 and set by, you guessed it, TNA), and an overall level of disappointment and bewilderment. I’m not judging the man or the new direction yet, but these do seem to sound very similar to the emotions felt by those who watch WCW in its dying days.
Please god don’t make me have to review The Fall of WCW Part 2: Electric Fuckatoo.
Cewsh’s Final Score: 62.3 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:
Vice: Overall, I'm pretty pissed that TNA fired Don West so they could replace him with Tazz.
Vice’s Final Score: FUCK YOU out of 100.
Vice's Awards:
Well that'll do it for us this week boys and girls. We laughed, we cried, we ate meatballs and dispensed finely tuned wit and knowledge. As usual we come away from a TNA show with a sense of crushing dissapointment and humiliation. This time at least it was a DIFFERENT kind of pain. Next week we'll be serving up WWE's Summerslam PPV, which will almost undoubtably be a better show. So be sure to come back to your same Cewsh time and same cewsh station for the biggest party of the wrestling summer, and until then, keep reading, and be good to one another.
