Cewsh: This is the first classic show that Mrs. Cewsh had ever seen. After having seen it, she spent weeks genuinely perplexed as to what people see in nostalgia at all.
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World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...
WWE Wrestlemania XIV
Hola everyone, instead of your usual Cewsh, you’re getting me, Ms. Cewsh, popping my Attitude Era cherry to bring you another lovely review. While some girls get dinner and dancing on a Saturday evening, I get a Wrestlemania from elementary school and Smirnoff. That’s right intrepid readers, Cewsh and I are on board for a pre-Mania review of…Mania! XIV, that is. Picked by a complex algorithm involving my kills in Fallout, Cewsh’s diet soda intake, and the Wrestlemanias we already own, we've selected a show neither of us had really seen. This’ll be fun. Right?
Cewsh: Well here we are at Wrestlemania XIV, and watching this video I’m not overly impressed. I guess I can’t fault WWE for having sub-par production values way back in 1998, but yeah, it goes without saying that things are very, very different than what we've come to know today. It’s especially true when you consider how many terrible Wrestlemanias there had been in a row, prior to this. They’re slowly trying to make it a gala spectacle it is today, but they certainly aren't there yet.
Cewsh Notes:
- Yeah, this match is a ridiculous clusterfuck. It’s practically impossible to follow, especially since the announcers spend the entire match trying to explain who the fuck is in the match.
- Sunny is sexy as hell.
- They couldn't have picked just one team to face the LoD? I’m not sure that D.O.A. really deserved a Wrestlemania paycheck.
- Ridiculous. Purely ridiculous.
- We popped popcorn for the show and we finished it during this match. The popcorn gets a 76. The match gets a…
21 out of 100
Ms.Cewsh: The announcers are making a huge deal out of something called the El oh dee. I guess they’re a team, and I saw Mad Max. So I’ve got this. In post-apocalyptica, Sunny will either be worshiped or sold into sexual slavery in that outfit. Maybe both.
Anyway, getting everyone to the ring takes longer than the match itself. There’s only 30 guys in the ring, but it looks more like a thousand. Total impossible to follow clusterfuck, made so much worse by a run-in. Yes, a run-in in a 30 man battle royal. JBL is the only person I recognize, and I almost didn't with him not looking like a bloated corpse. Anyway, the LoD, Team Blue Pants, and the Hicks are all in the ring. The Hicks get tossed out and come back with buckets. Of all the weapons we keep under the rings, you could do no better than buckets? Then the LoD gets rid of Team Blue Pants, the guy from TNA is a sad panda because they’re friends, and Sunny prances around and you almost kind of get to see nipple when the camera looks down her “top”.
L.O.D. Over Every tag Team Ever Assembled.
Ms.Cewsh: After the match, the LoD is walking towards the back while JR prattles on. Here’s a little insight into the Cewsh Household:
Cewsh: “He’s dead, you know.”
Ms.Cewsh: “Who, JR? I really don’t think so.”
Cewsh: “One of the members of the LoD! Yes. JR is dead.”
He’s cruel to me.
Cewsh: Alright, so here we have the Light Heavyweight Championship being defended at Wrestlemania for probably the first and last time. Interesting potential mix of styles here, (Styles Clash?) so we’ll see how this goes. This match is kind of strange to watch, when you realize that this took place before high spots and high flying were at all common in the WWE. The fans clearly have no idea what to make of it. They ooh and awe every flip, but aside for that, they’re completely silent. Fans today have been conditioned to appreciate high flying wrestling, but in these days, we’re seeing the very beginning of the WWE acceptance of that style.
This match isn’t overly smooth or great or anything, but it is fun to watch for the spots and to see a young TAKA and Essa Rios. It should go without saying that this should have been the opener, and not that ridiculous tag match.
63 out of 100
Ms.Cewsh: OK, who dresses Aguila? Green, pink, gold, and white? Yick, when’s Labor Day? Cewsh warned me that this was going to by my match of the night. (He was right.)
TAKA Michinoku over Aguila Following the Michinoku Driver.
Cewsh: Gennifer Flowers interviews the Rock about nothing in particular and it is pretty damn funny. It’s really awesome to see the Rock back when he was really hitting his stride. Just really good stuff to watch, though I’ll admit that it took me a little while to realize that this was 1998 and Flowers was actually relevant.
Segment 5 – WWE European Championship – Triple H (c) w/ Chyna vs. Owen Hart
Cewsh: OK, so babyfaced (but not babyface) Triple H is taking on Owen Hart in one of Owen’s last high profile performances before his death. Also, there’s a stipulation where Chyna has to be handcuffed to Sgt. Slaughter, presumably so she doesn't get lost. All of it over a title that was irrelevant even when it was relevant. Luckily, one person here will have great success in their career. Though, to be fair, life can only get better for Slaughter, Chyna, and Owen…right?
Ms Cewsh: Hey, Chyna was on the Surreal Life!
Cewsh: Oh and for the record, the DX band is awful and the guy fronting it looks like a twat who got paid in weed and roofies. And, is it just me, or has Triple H always looked really awkward doing the crotch chop? He always held it for just a little too long with just the wrong facial expression, like he didn't quite get what it meant. An observation, if you will.
The story of the entire match is about Chyna trying to interfere and Slaughter trying his best to prevent it. Slaughter has his hands full with the lovely lady, while Triple H has his hands full dealing with the onslaught of the challenger with ridiculously long monkey arms.
The match is pretty good, with solid work from both men, and it’s assuredly a long step up from the quality of the show so far. The stipulation is actually a bit of a distraction from an otherwise solid title match, and that will pretty much be the theme for tonight. Keep in mind, that this was in the days where competitive matches and clean finishes start to fall by the wayside in favor of wackiness. So yeah, this match was alright. A little boring, here and there, but no real complaints. The finish was wacky, but fun all the same, even if it should have probably come sooner for the sake of the match.
Question, how did Chyna know that Owen Hart’s balls hung to his knee? She hit his inner knee area with remarkable precision.
78 out of 100
Ms. Cewsh: Aw, the old sets looked so…lonely! It’s just like a curtain and some lights. And that awful band doesn’t even have a real stage. Someone just put a couple pallets together and told them to go at it.
Triple H and Chyna come out and they make a huge deal out of Chyna being handcuffed to Sgt. Slaughter because she’s a naughty, troublemaking girl. Aaaand now I’m having flashbacks to her porn. God, it’s like Nam. You’re never really over it.
I have a crush on Triple H So where do you get those handcuffs with like two feet of chain separating them, anyway? Again, getting everyone to the ring and getting Chyna all tied up takes longer than the actual match itself. And this is where I admit that I have no idea who Owen Hart is and didn’t find him myself drawn to him in this match. The crowd clearly disagreed with me, however, as they lost their damn minds every time he even thought the words Sharpshooter. I still have a crush on Triple H. This wasn’t really the kind of match I enjoy, though, so nothing really held my attention. Chyna fought to play with the boys, but I’m sure the old, slow, fat guy holding on to her will have no trouble keeping her out of the ring.
Too be fair, she never did get in the ring. She just threw baby powder/sugar/cocaine in Slaughter’s face and low blowed Hart. It happens to the best of us.
Triple H Over Owen Hart Following the Pedigree.
Ms.Cewsh: Let’s start with the opening video. Oh my God, what the fuck am I watching? It’s like a nightmare that won’t stop, but the one thing I must address is, Luna claims she’s going to turn Sable’s face from Estée Lauder to an Andy Warhol. Andy Warhol reached his fame painting exceedingly realistic people and everyday objects. Either Luna is turning Sable into a work of art, or she meant Picasso (who also did lovely realistic people, but that’s neither here nor there). Either way, a woman with veins tattooed on the side of her dreadlocked head has probably never seen either.
Time for the ring entrances and what the FUCK am I watching?!? I can’t find a cute piece of lingerie for me, but Goldust can?
According to the video, Mero was a face who turned heel after people liked Sable more than him and then he did something with Goldust, who found someone even more physically unappealing than he in Luna. Then Mero and Sable got married, which means she’s basically working an abused wife gimmick. So then they decide to have a mixed tag match, which is built as heel/heel, but then Mero is kind of a tweener after he decides to fight for Sable, even though she’s the only person in this match who’s getting any real offence? Then Sable beats the hell out of Goldust, even though she shouldn't and the ref got angry when Mero tried to face Luna like 2 seconds ago. And then Sable beats Luna with Mero’s finisher, thus furthering her dependence on him and their overall unhealthy relationship.
I had a dream about Sable giving Super Mutants the TKO after reviewing this match. I suffer for your amusement!
Cewsh: My God, Luna and Goldy are unappealing alone, but put them together and give them free reign of the costume department, and they become like the Voltron of Ick. Why in God’s name will no one buy Luna any pants? Hopefully her Wrestlemania check went directly to buying her some fucking emergency pants for social situations like this one.
This match is purely to highlight Sable. She was getting so over by this point, that they clearly realized that they needed to put her in some matches to take advantage of it. She isn't any good in the ring, as you might expect, but it doesn't really matter because the crowd explodes for her every gesture. An odd thing here is that the build for this match clearly portrays Mero as a heel and a terrible husband, but he plays a complete face for the entire match and seems really genuinely supportive of Sable. It seems odd, but I guess it makes sense seeing as Mero, of all people, has to carry the majority of this match. Yes, that’s right, this is a match that MARC MERO carries on his back. But again, it doesn't matter. The crowd wanted Sable, they got Sable, and all’s well that ends well. For them. For me, it would have ended better if the ring had opened up and dropped everyone in it into the darkest circles of hell.
35 out of 100
Sable and Mero Over Luna and Golddust Following a TKO From Sable to Luna.
Segment 7 – WWF Intercontinental Championship – The Rock (c) vs. Ken Shamrock
Cewsh: Tennessee Lee shows up to do the ring announcing for Jeff Jarrett and Gennifer Flowers, who show up to do the ring announcing for the Rock/Shamrock match. For no reason. Oh Jeff, so much shiny. It’s honestly hard to square these memories of old time Double J with the current founder of TNA. He’s come a long way, and watching this incarnation of Jeff, I have no idea how he made it this far. Also, Gennifer Flowers flubs some lines. She seems to be a good sport about the whole thing, so I guess I can’t fault her for trying.
The story line here seems to be this: there is dissent in the Nation of Domination between the Rock and Farooq over who will lead the Nation, and Shamrock has been feuding with the group since Survivor Series. The Nation is at ringside, so the smart money is on interference of some sort. The match starts and they go back and forth for awhile. Out comes the chair and Shamrock takes an insane chair shot to the face. No sells it completely, slaps the ankle lock on the Rock, and well…
68 out of 100
Ms. Cewsh: This match and the whole show leave me with a lot of questions. What is Jeff Jarrett doing out here? Why is he escorting someone who once screwed a governor, who then became President, thus making her a C (at best) grade star? Why is the Rock leading a Black Panthers-esk group that he’s clearly far above? Why are there so many boxing/MMA/”real” fighters and gimmicks on this show? Why doesn't Cewsh have Ken Shamrock’s abs? Why have I been reviewing this show for 3 hours and we’re only on segment 7? (Answer, because Cewsh writes very slowly.)
There’s a match and then shitfuck, Rock taps to the ankle-lock. Fastest tap ever. I don’t think Shamrock had it locked in before Rock starts tapping.
Ken Shamrock Over the Rock Following the Ankle Lock.
Cewsh: Post match Shamrock snaps, much to the crowds’ approval, and destroys the Nation and slaps the ankle lock back on Rock. Farooq runs down to make the save, but SWERVE he doesn’t! He walks off and leaves the Rock to get his ass kicked. Then Shamrock snaps MORE, if that’s possible, and assaults every referee and agent in a ten-mile radius. It’s worth mentioning that even though Shamrock looks totally lost in the ring through the entire segment, the crowd comes totally unglued for his character.
And then DOUBLE SWERVE, the Rock retains the title because Shamrock snapped and wouldn't break the hold. Then the Rock gets his ass kicked, again. Poor Rock, maybe you should’ve been nicer to your friends.
Ms.Cewsh: After Shamrock goes crazy and kills everyone, the ref announces that they’re overturning the ruling and he didn’t actually win. Which begs another question, if you’re going to go with the DQ, why not do it after the ref-bump when Shamrock got the chair? It was in no way accidental, the ref knew it, but he let the match go on, only to rule that the finish didn't count because Shamrock didn't let up on the submission. What was the point? There are some shenanigans with the Nation of Domination and Farooq and then Shamrock steals Rock’s belt. This show so zany.
Another interlude into the Cewsh home:
Ms.Cewsh: “Wait, Shamrock was the face?”
Cewsh: “Yes, he was.”
Ms.Cewsh: “ Wasn't the Rock the one getting beaten into the stairs? Didn't Shamrock get a chair and then beat up the refs?”
Cewsh: “Yep.”
Ms.Cewsh: “…DAMN.”
Segment 8 – WWF Tag Team Championships – The New Age Outlaws (c) vs. Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie.
Ms.Cewsh: Ouch, was Funk ever young? I swear pieces are falling off him now. And why do they call him Chainsaw Charlie? The announcers call him Terry at least a dozen times. The jig is up.
My first thought on the match is, oh goodie. This is one of those where the camera zooms way out so you can “see” everyone. Luckily that stops pretty quickly once everyone begins their love affair with the dumpster. Matches like this don’t work because everyone is always stalling. If, for some zany sitcom-like reason, you were in a fight where you had to put the other guy in a dumpster, do you a) put him in the dumpster and then preen for the crowd while he crawls away, b) get out a ladder and climb to the top of it, c) fight AWAY from the dumpster or, d) PUT HIM IN THE DAMN DUMPSTER AND GET ON WITH IT ALREADY?
If you answered anything but d), you’re ready to be in WWE. Mick gets a ladder and before I can even finish making note of it, he and one of the Outlaws (I can’t tell them apart) have gone into the dumpster from the top of it. From the way the lids hang sadly inside the dumpster now, I’d say they broke it. Does that mean this match will never end? Please tell me we have a backup dumpster.
So the four men brawl to the back. They end up in a room the size of an aircraft hanger, filled with carts full of cookie sheets, a pallet piled high with giant Poweraid bottles (someone was a sponsor!), a forklift, and oh yes, a backup dumpster. Where the hell are we, seriously? Anyway, after a very convenient end, Mick and Funk win and get the tag-titles…
Except Cewsh just informed me that that’s overturned on Raw the next day. So we’ve had two matches, two title changes, and two decisions overturned in a row? WHY DID THESE MATCHES EVEN HAPPEN?!
Cewsh: Christ. I want to love Funk and Foley, I really do, and I want to respect how over and entertaining the Outlaws were at their peak, but this match is just fucking random. A dumpster match? Really? You take two out of shape hardcore wrestlers, two low quality but entertaining wrestlers, and a bad gimmick match, and what do you get? A dead crowd, a bunch of injuries, and a match that should never have happened. I expect that I’ll get shit for thinking poorly of a well known match from these days of wrestling’s history, but I’d like to make it clear right now that I believe that there is an art to hardcore wrestling, as well as a time and place. This match is hardcore for the sake of hardcore, and it is insulting as it is irrelevant.
I know that this match is credited for helping get the Outlaws over, separate from DX. Maybe it did, but is there really nothing better that they could’ve found for these guys, than to have them risk their rising careers by falling off ladders into dumpsters to no reaction from the crowd?
I expect this from Foley. He’s made a career out of doing unnecessary harm to himself for the bare minimum of justification, but this match was a mess. Then, to have the match annulled on Raw the next day, is simply a slap in the face to anyone who spent 20 minutes of their life watching this, much less the ones who paid to see it. This match did not need to happen.
19 out of 100
Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie Over the New Age Outlaws Following Forklift Shenanigans.
Cewsh: It’s funny to look at Kane before Katie Vick, the “psychological burns”, and all the rest of the shenanigans that ruined him as a character. Here, the story between these two is still kind of interesting, if entirely over the top. With any luck, the epic opening video will help to dull the pain of the parade of no-selling to come.
Ms.Cewsh: You’ve worked in the medical industry too long when you’re less interested in the ricockulous story and more interested in figuring out how many bypasses Paul Bearer is going to need. Also, I don’t miss 90s special effects. Do you?
Cewsh: Ah Pete Rose, you have to imagine that Glen Jacobs sends Rose a Christmas card every year thanking him for giving Kane his one Wrestlemania moment. It is wacky though that the heel is the one to get the huge face pop, at Rose’s expense.
Ms.Cewsh: Do we have ring announcers on the payroll? Kane’s the heel here, but he demolishes some baseball guy who has nothing to do with the match and gets a huge pop. Could someone please act in character? Please?
Cewsh: First, for the record, the Undertaker’s entrance is terrific right up until he comes out dressed like the gayest wizard this side of Dumbledore. Seriously, do they not have wardrobe people in Death Valley? Or mirrors?
Ms.Cewsh: Well since JR thinks Taker and Kane are mirror images of each other, and the same height and weight, maybe there are no mirrors in Boston either.
Cewsh: Alright, this match is a big man brawl. It’s as good of one as you can reasonably expect from the circumstances. The Undertaker, bless his heart, bounces all over the ring trying his best to make this an entertaining match to watch. Despite his efforts, it comes down to a lot of punching, a lot of kicking, and a lot of no-selling. No real surprises here. We all know the ending is in no doubt, looking back, and we also know this is only the beginning of this epic feud.
Eleventy-hundred tombstones later and the Undertaker is 7-0.
75 out of 100
Ms.Cewsh: Hey wow! Taker used to move! And jump! And not be bald! I applaud him for trying to sell, even after Kane completely missed the stair shot by a half-foot. I haven’t been the most…positive Taker reviewer, but I have nothing but nice things to say about him in this match. I actually gasped when he flew into the announce table.
Of course he wins, we had the one/two shot of Kane’s pyro pre-match and the fact that it’s Wrestle-fucking-mania. Bearer grabs a chair and hops into the ring for a bit of a go at him while he’s down. In his two seconds of ring time, Bearer manages to botch a kick to the head. Bravo. Then Kane sets Taker up for a Tombstone onto a chair, which would’ve been devastating if the chair had been 6 inches to the right. Maybe it’s not their fault. Undertaker is maaaaaaaagic after all.
Undertaker Over Kane Following Fucking DUH.
Ms.Cewsh: Immediately after the match, WWE plays the saddest, most depressing video package I’ve ever seen. I may have teared up. Congrats on dragging the mood of the entire show down WWE.
Cewsh: Man, there is so much going on here.
You've got Austin’s rise to the top, taking the company to the top with him. You've got Michaels and his back hanging by a thread. You've got Tyson and all the hype that came with him, having sided with DX to stack the odds against Austin. All of this stuff combines to create a very strange atmosphere around this match. There’s almost an eerie feeling watching Michaels trying to wrestle with the injury that “ended” his career.
If you can get past the extra bits of this match, there is actually a really good contest here. Michaels sells his ass off, despite the pain, and plays the cocky douchebag to perfection. Meanwhile, Austin’s every move is causing the crowd to have a collective aneurysm. Tyson even does a good job of being the wild-card. These guys exhibit great chemistry and push all of the other factors aside to prove they are two of the best wrestlers who ever wrestled.
The ending has been shown a million times and will live on in WWE clip videos forever. It still stands up today, thought, and it was really the only way to end this match. Austin looks like an enormous deal, Tyson makes his money, and Michaels gets one last Wrestlemania moment before he hangs it up for good. All I can say is, thank God this match was good, because it’s the only reason to re-watch this show.
83 out of 100
Cewsh's Seal of Approval
Ms. Cewsh: I also have a crush on 90s Shawn Michaels. How did I miss the Attitude Era? Austin pulling his pants off was a true highlight for me. Mmmman ass.
DX is at ringside with Tyson, but then the ref makes a huge deal of them being thrown out. Austin abuses them on their way to the back, Michaels comes too, there’s some play with the dumpster, (where are the ring techs? Lazy bastards.) What are the stipulations on this match? I hate it when I don’t know. The ref throws out DX so they won’t interfere but then no one seems to mind when Michaels introduces Austin’s head to the ring bell. DQ? No DQ? Does it matter?
The crowd is absolutely creaming for Austin, but I cannot keep my eyes off Michaels. I've felt that way a lot on this show; one guy is a million time more entertaining to watch than his opponent. That’s not a bash on Austin; it’s just that other than the Stunner, I can’t get into any of his moves. Michaels is always electric for me. Add to the fact that JR can’t stop misspeaking, something I find very distracting, and this is a very off-putting match. Entertaining, but not really working at the same time.
Steve Austin Over Shawn Michaels Following the Stone Cold Stunner.
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Ms.Cewsh’s Final Purr:
Ms. Cewsh: I know many will disagree, but I found Tyson added nothing to the main event. Not even his knock-out of Michaels, afterwards, worked for me. I think it was the fact that who benefits from having Tyson change allegiances? Austin certainly didn't need the help.
That’s the real problem with this show. No one gains anything from it. We have two title changes, that don’t count in the end; two C-list “ring announcers”, just getting a fat paycheck; at least three performers acting against their heel/face nature for the sake of a cool “moment”; and an enforcer who is a notorious heel in real life turning face to get…Austin? over. There were good moments but in the end, nothing worked together.
No kitties; how do you rate a show 11 years after the fact, when you don’t know half the performers or any of the story?
Cewsh’s Final Thoughts:
Cewsh: This was a one match show, and it really reflects the period where WWE was obviously shifting their product and Wrestlemania in particular in an entirely new and unfamiliar direction. They had over people, but seemed at a loss as to how to use them. Luckily, as would be the case throughout the era, Austin was there to save the day and give the fans their moneys worth.
Cewsh's Final Score: 55.25 out of 100
Well, that’s all folks. Tune in after March 15 when Vice returns for TNA’s Destination X. You’ll have to soldier on without me, because I don’t touch TNA with a 10 foot pole. Don’t fret too much though, because I’ll be back with the whole team for Wrestlemania XXV on April 5. We’re pulling out all the stops for Mania. Look for lights, cameras, paparazzi, and Motorhead playing our entrances!*
*Please note this is the internet. The only way Motorhead is playing our entrances is if you have your own damn media player.
2 comments:
Tyson was one of the major blows against WCW as this got WWF mainstream media coverage and in turn got fans watching.
Tyson did much more than you think.
You're absolutely right.
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