IWA:MS King of the Deathmatches 2009 Night 2

IWA: Mid South Proudly Presents…

IWA:MS KING OF THE DEATHMATCHES 2009

NIGHT 2

Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Tony Nominated Cewsh Reviews… Today we have a special treat for you, as we turn this bad boy around for another pass at the great ship, the S.S. Horrible Burning Pain In My Eyes. Its been two weeks since we last left these stalwart warriors engaged in their deadly (well, more dorky than deadly) game to see who the king of the deathmatches really is, but some of the images remain with me still. Tank, with chopsticks stuck so far into his skull that he looks like Ruadolph the Nazi Reindeer. xOMGx, inspiring us with his tales from the battlefield, among them the time some guy got his nutsack shot off. The sideways swanton, which will forever fill our hearts with wonder.

We, the Cewsh Reviews Team, have elected to take a big ol’ kick to the balls on your behalf and review Night 2 here, giving voice to the agony that previously only 100 people in a high school gym had experienced. Savor our pain and avenge our deaths. Its really all that we ask.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review.

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Oh wait, no. No there actually wasn’t one.

Go figure.


Vice: It's going to be hard to top night one. What a classic show. Hell, it even had a bona fide match of the year candidate in Necro Butcher vs. Bull Pain, and what a fucking match that w-- ok, I don't live in Tainted Eclipse land. That match fucking sucked and was all kinds of wrong on so many levels. Night two could be Roderick Strong dipping his balls in chocolate sauce for 3 hours and it'd be better than night one.

Segment 2 – Homerun Derby Deathmatch - Dysfunction (Also The Name of My Grandmother’s Cat) vs. xOMGx (Also Answers To Dr. Incredulous).

Cewsh: xOMGx. You war hero of wrestling. This is the man who was literally in Iraq fighting to protect and serve his country no more than month prior to this event. He got back from being in the warzone, and his family and friends asked him, “xOMGx, what do you want to do with your life now?” He calmly looked at them, memories of the sacrifices his companions and he had spent years making at the front of his mind, and he replied, “I want to be the King of the Deathmatches.” So here he is, ready to fulfill his true destiny, and become the true American hero that we have all craved since the early 90s. This is a hero we can all be proud of. This is xOMGx.

Standing in his way, though, is the Viper Killer from Night 1 himself, Dysfunctional. Not much is known about this mysterious and dangerous fighter from the North, except that he’s almost as lethal as he is good looking. With Dysfunction having a sizable height and weight advantage over our true American Hero, will this be xOMGx’s greatest triumph? Or will he be the next to get Dyssed?

Man, I make this shit sound epic, don’t I?

Anyway, this is, of course, the Homerun Derby Deathmatch. Which means, naturally, that…um….

Well fuck, I really have no idea what the shit that means. There is a large assortment of objects in the ring, including a few baseball bats. And by a few I mean HUNDREDS OF FUCKING BASEBALL BATS. We’ve got big bats, small bats, whiffle ball bats covered in thumbtacks, and light tube bats, which look exactly the same as regular light tubes. All of this, plus some thumb tacks, a few oars, and a piñata are contained within the ring. You probably wouldn’t guess that, though, since not a single thing inside the ring is used for the entire duration of the match. Oh sure, the guys land on some of it, but this is actually, for the most part, a deathmatch where they have absolutely no designs on hurting each other at all. I’ve seen middle aged soccer moms squabble over the last box of Lucky Charms harder than this. Sexier too.

The match lasts about 6 minutes, which is the exact amount of time necessary to make me wish it had gone for 5 minutes. You might think that with that epic write up I gave this match up top that there might be some kind of story told here, or that there might be some memorable spots of interest. There wasn’t and there weren’t. This was a 6 minute, badly wrestled wrestling match. It ends with Sweet Chin Music. Yes. A super kick won a deathmatch. I’m rooting for a snapmare to win match 2. SNAPMARE!

7 out of 100.


Vice: There is a second ring set up. Ominous. Or not, since [intelligently] they have the second ring set up for non-death match stuff while the other (which is two feet away) can be hit with a nuclear bomb. However, since half the weapons shatter, splinter, or explode in one way or another, it's not uncommon for crap to fly into the second ring. Wrestle with caution.

What a dumb match. xOMGx, who seemed like he was about to get the push of a lifetime was eliminated rather quickly and painlessly. However, Dysfunction beat VIPER last night, so he's clearly above xOMGx by a massive margin. Keep in mind that VIPER was the guy who beat IAN ROTTEN at A Need to Bleed. Ian only jobs to the very best, which means that Dysfunction is for real. Off to the finals he goes.

Dysfunctional over xOMGx Following Sweet Dys Music.

Segment 3 – Fans Bring the Weapons Deathmatch – Thumbtack (European Cousin Of Cactus) Jack vs. Mad Man (Needs Prozac) Pondo.

Vice: So, Pondo comes out with his hair combed similar to Hitler's. Oh, and a drawn on Hitlerstache. And he has a Swastika on his shirt. And was doing the Nazi salute while marching in the Nazi way. He's also having a hard time not laughing his ass off while doing this. It's one of the dumbest and most offensive things I've seen in quite some time. Oh yeah, and only like 5 people boo him. Everyone else is laughing, which makes me horrendously ashamed to be a wrestling fan. Well.. more-so, anyway. It was just awful to watch, as if they had no idea just how offensive it really was. Am I surprised? Not really. It was embarrassing and one of the most awful examples of cheap heat I've ever seen. In wrestling, you build someone up as a heel. You build someone up as a face. Then you pit them together and the crowd goes wild. You don't have someone come out as Hitler for no reason other than to show that he is the heel in this one specific match. That's retarded.

Most interesting weapon of the night: a porn-star sized dildo with tacks on the ball sack. I'm not making this up. Wait..

Most interesting weapon of the night, revised: One of those singing fish things you put on your wall. You might be thinking "how is that more interesting than a dildo?", well, it just is. It's a singing fish for fuck sake.

The match? Awful. It was just spot after painful spot for absolutely no reason and had absolutely no flow or rhythm or, well, anything. No intelligence. They hit a spot, sat around for a bit (literally.. not even selling what just happened) and then would awkwardly go to the next spot on their list. The end was the most ridiculous thing. Thumbtack Jack hits Pondo with a hurricanrana off the top rope, which sends him through a giant bundle of light tubes being propped up by two chairs. So, Pondo lands with his head facing the turnbuckle. But at that angle, how could Jack possibly hit a frog splash for the finish? I'll tell you-- Pondo happily sits up, rotates around and, yes, even pushes some of the debris away to make it a safer landing. Not selling a damn thing while doing this, mind you. In fact, he's adjusting his shirt and elbow pad while waiting. Great job! After the three count, Pondo scratches Jack's back as a way of saying five star match.


Cewsh: So Thumbtack Jack is out first. You may remember he is from Spain. This is important to remember. Mad Man Pondo is out second. Well. Actually, Adolf Hitler is out second, disguised as Mad Man Pondo. Yes, as if I summoned him fro the dead by mentioning him in the intro, Mad Man Pondo walks out to classic WWII film reel music doing the Nazi hand salute and high stepping. He has his hair brushed to one side, and a drawn on mustache, and walks down the aisle to the sound of relentless douchebags in the audience chanting “Mein fuher!”

Let me assure you, dear readers, that I am not a man given to speechlessness. I can pull bullshit out of nothing, and ramble on any topic for indefinite periods of time. But seeing Mad Man Pondo playing Adolf Hitler, and then picking up a big floppy plastic baseball bat and pretend that it is Hitler’s penis is somewhat beyond my ability to explain properly. It took me nearly an hour simply to word that last sentence in a way that didn’t make me feel dirty and wrong in strange new ways.

Then they start wrestling. Christ. What I can say for this match is, at least these guys hurt each other. If you watch this show to see people maim one another, you’d probably be disappointed so far, but this match will fulfill your wishes dearly. Some highlights include Pondo chucking a bowling ball full force, directly into Jack’s balls; Pondo forcing a dildo, (yes, a full size dildo,) into Jack’s mouth; and Jack kicking out of a Top Rope Attitude Adjuster, through light tubes. Fucking LASHLEY lost to a top rope AA. You’re telling me that Thumbtack Jack is tougher than LASHLEY? For fuck’s sake.

Fuck this. Fuck ALL of this.

Hitler jokes that go too far, terrible godawful, almost transcendently bad matches, stupid looking and messy shit all over the ring, and just pointless stupid bullshit. This match ended with a hurracanrana and a fucking frog splash. A HURRACANRANA AND A FROG SPLASH. Jesus shit, who are these assholes who are destroying each other with weapons, and then using real wrestling moves? You’re fucking up your own shitty gimmicks! You made them up! And you’re getting them WRONG! HOW?! Fucking shitfuck man. Blubbercunts.

No, you know what? No. This shit isn’t okay. Just complaining about it isn’t enough. Pondo came out as Hitler and thought it was hilarious. He then wrestled a match almost equally offensive, and its taking everything within my power not to send this piece of shit video file to the recycling bin right now. Remember when JBL did the Nazi walk for 4 seconds and everyone lost their mind? Pondo did it for 20 minutes, and meant it to mock Jack. Who is from fucking SPAIN. Imagine the mind that formed these ideas. Imagine the minds that approved it. Imagine the minds that paid to see it.

0 out of 100.

Thumbtack Jack over Mad Man Pondo Following a Frogsplash.

Cewsh Note: I wanted to boycott this show and this promotion forever after seeing this. Vice and I actually considered it and discussed the idea for several minutes. Eventually though, after calming down, however, I relaxed enough to continue.

Post Match:

Cewsh: Post match, Thumbtack Jack cuts a promo almost entirely in German. I guess he really is German? So the Hitler thing was a shot at him or something? I don’t know man. Good promo though. I assume it was mostly about sausage and beer. Two things we heartily endorse here at Cewsh Reviews.

Segment 4 – IWA:MS World Light Heavyweight Championship – Carter (Who?) Gray w/ Kimberly (Not Even Worth) Kash vs. Jimmy (Needs Directions To A Good Wrestling Show) Jacobs.

Cewsh: It is worth noting first, that this match takes place in a separate ring from the past few matches. Conceivably, the reason for this is the fact that the real wrestlers actually deserve to not have to wrestle in broken Christmas ornaments and such. Of course they got no such courtesy on Night 1, so I can hardly credit this as anything but a setup for some stupid spot later on. Calling it now.

Anyway, this match fucking sucks. The match at least has the decency to not involve Nazis, but instead it involves Jimmy Jacobs trying to pull a decent match out of yet another generic Indy wrestler special, who looks like he was ejaculated from some game’s Create-A-Wrestler mode. The match then procedes to be a boring lump of shit despite Jacobs’ best efforts, and then Jacobs wins the title. Oh, was that a spoiler for you? I hope it wasn’t. If there’s really someone out there who gives a fuckshit about who wins the IWA “World” Light Heavyweight championship, then they ought to be captured, tagged, and released to the wild so we can document their behavior. It’ll be easier to tell which things in life official suck and are lame that way.

Yeah. Jimmy Jacobs wins the match, and then gets jumped by the fat shit color commentator, who kicks his ass. Um, Jimmy? You already work for ROH. You don’t HAVE to do work in these conditions. Even if you owe Ian like $16,000 for weed, let him take some organs and move on with your life. It aint worth it man. It just aint worth it.

12 out of 100.


Vice: Seriously not as bad as it could have been. However, that's because of Jimmy Jacobs who, unlike everyone else, is a trained professional wrestler. You'd be surprised how much of a difference that can make when it comes to match quality. I feel terrible for him though, having to work with scrubs like this guy. And not even being able to pick up a clean win. And getting beaten down afterwards and having his opponent and BULL PAIN stand tall.

Does Jimmy really need money this badly?

Jimmy Jacobs over That Other Guy Following Some Fat Shit Hitting Him or Something.



JIMMY JACOBS IS YOUR NEW IWA:MS SHORT GUY CHAMPION!

Segment 5 – Home Improvement Rules Deathmatch – Tim (The Toolman) Taylor vs. Al (Sex Machine) Borland.

Cewsh: Ordinarily, it is my distinct pleasure to offer play by play for all of the matches that we review (some of them anyway). For this match, however, we thought we’d give someone else a shot at telling the tale of this most epic and unorthodox feud. Take it away atnumbers!


Atnumbers: We all know how this dream match came together, but if you’ve been living under a rock, here’s the low down. Al Borland, long assistant of Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor, grew tired of living in his coke-addled shadow. Al, ever the goodie-goodie, approached Tim professionally and requested a chance to branch off on his own and step out of his shadow. Tim said how he respected the noble way that Al approached him and seemed like he’d be receptive until he informed Al that “the only shadow you live in is your mother’s. Hell, that cow casts a shadow over entire states.” Tim continued to inform him that he was a coward, a fat, little, spineless shell of a man who should be happy that he gets to be near The Tool Man. Tim says that Al should be thankful to him because, without him, Al would be doing something embarrassing—like hosting Family Feud... The tension builds in Borland until the anger is absolutely dripping off his bearded face. Borland has had enough and he punches Tim to the ground.

He grabs a 2x4 and threatens to crack it over his boss when security steps in and arrests him. Al returned a week later to challenge The Tool Man and the two agreed to a no holds barred death match. After the two agreed to this contest, Al was quickly double crossed by his long-time friend, Heidi, who gave him a swift kick to the groin. Tim laughed and made out with Heidi, as Al looked on shocked. Al asked, the following week, why Heidi would betray both him and her husband by cheating on him with Tim. Tim replied to this by simply saying, “She may have betrayed her husband, but she didn’t betray the father of her children.”

“Does everybody know what time it is” blasts over the speakers and the Tool Man makes his way out first, riding to ring on a riding lawnmower. Tim takes a small brown bag from the tractor and hands it to a fan and not so discretely pockets the cash that the fan hands him. The light’s go out and the stars are projected over the ceiling of the arena. Suddenly, a spaceship flies overhead, leaving a plaid vapor trail on the ceiling. We hear John Candy’s voice saying “They’ve gone to plaid” and Al gets out of the spaceship and hypes up the crowd.

Al gets in the ring and, midway through introductions, tackles The Tool Man. He fires away with rights and lefts, when Tim flees the ring. Tim motions that he’s had enough and goes to leave to the dismay of the crowd. Al wobbles after him and waffles him with a 2x4 shot from behind. He slams Tim into his riding lawnmower several times, before reaching into his tool belt to pull out a hammer. He smashes it against Tim’s hand on the hood of the tractor. Tim rolls in pain, clutching his hand—he’s actually crying in pain. Al gets perverse smile on his face and fires up the lawn mower. He goes to put Tim’s hand under the spinning blades, but The Tool Man connects with desperation shot with his angle planer to Al’s head. Borland falls back against the ring apron and is bleeding like a stuffed pig. Tim gets on the mower and fires up its jet engine. He goes to ram Al, but the big man gets out of the way and TTM crashes into the side of the ring, shattering one third of the ring. The ring is absolutely destroyed as Al comes back, smashing a second 2x4 into Tim’s face—this one with his dirty sock stapled to it.

Tim tries to crawl away, suffering the pain of not only the head trauma, but also of Al’s mighty foot odor. Al crashes him to the back only to have Tim fire off his 21-nail gun salute at him. Al manages to avoid the nails, and pulls his tape measure from his tool belt and starts to choke Tim with it. TTM’s face is turning purple, when Heidi flashes Al to distract him. Shocked at the sight of a naked woman that weighs less than 400 pounds, Al lets his guard down and Tim hits a low blow and again flees. Al recovers and chases Tim into the basement of the arena. Tim bashes his head on a bar as he runs down the basement stairs and is out cold. Al whips him with his measuring tape and then drags TTM back to what’s left of the ring. Borland pulls a table from under the ring and glues Tim’s head to it. Al comes off the turnbuckle, splashing his head through the table. The table breaks and a chunk of it is stuck to Tim’s forehead. Al covers, but lifts Tim’s shoulder off the mat at two—he’s not finished with him!

Al wants to make him tap and locks in the anaconda vice with his measuring tape choking Tim! Tim taps out, but his foot is on the rope and the ref demands a break. Al doesn’t comply and continues to choke his rival out. The ref forcefully pulls Al off him. Al argues with the ref and turn into a shot from the Binford 6100 monkey wrench. Tim falls to the ground after dealing out the shot, having little left and the ref starts to count them both out when Bob Villa makes his way to the ring. Villa has Tim’s toilet paper launcher and gears up to shoot Tim, but instead blasts Al in the face with a high-powered toilet paper shot! As the crowd shows their distain and gives the handyman a soft-drink shower, Tim falls on top of Al for the three count. Good God almighty, Villa has turned on his friend and added his greatest rival?!?!?! What the hell is going on here? The crowd is absolutely livid as Villa and Heidi drag Tim’s battered body from the ring.


Cewsh: Let’s all have a round of applause for atnumbers, for stepping up and delivering that entirely factual, and in no way exaggerated play by play for this match. Couldn’t have done it better myself, amigo.

N/A out of N/A.


Vice: Necro Butcher wrestled in BOOTS. That is all I'm going to say. Actually, I'm going to repeat it for dramatic effect.

Necro Butcher wrestled in BOOTS.

Tim Taylor over Al Borland Following The Toilet Paper Shot.

Segment 6 – Flaming Cinder Blocks and Hot Coals Deathmatch – Corporal (Not Exactly Up To Military Codes and Procedures) Robinson vs. (Cewsh) Masada.

Cewsh: Whew, thank god that after the astounding epicity of that last match, they gave us this great match to keep things going. Corporal Robinson especially being such a great big match wrestler himself, and Masada being the protege of the late Eddie Guerrero.

God, I wish any of that were somehow true. Hell, Masada could be the protégé of Rhino and at least that would be SOMETHING. Not just another two ugly assholes about to whale on each other with blunt objects. Maybe this time the objects will be on fire? I’m really not sure how this all is going to work, but I’m really trying to best to stay interested.

Doing play by play for this match would be an insult to both plays and the word “by”. Instead I will tell you about the very first moment of this match, which should explain everything that you need to know about it. Masada punches Robinson. Robinson punches Masada. Masada goes to punch Robinson, and sees that the other man is already punching at him also. Rather than, say, have them hit each other at the same time, he jerks his hand back inches from Robinson’s face, and blatantly sticks his head out to be punched. It was the most embarrassingly amateur moment that I have ever seen in a wrestling ring. Even the great Viper masks spots better than that. Fuck’s sake.

Other stuff happens. Both men get spikes stuck in their heads. Masada kicks out of being slammed through a glass table set on fire. Dudes get thrown into a box of “coals” that looks more like a litterbox with 2 or 3 turds in it than anything else. Things get broken. Look, you know the drill by now. The whole thing takes so long to go anywhere, that by the time stuff gets lit on fire, I really didn’t have a shit left to give. Of course they take the time to do a ferociously unsafe spot, where Masada gets slammed through the aforementioned burning glass table cinderblock thing. As he hits it, the fire shoots out all over the place, coming mere inches from flying into the crowd, and is allowed to sit on the ring burning for several moments before the ring crew shows up with 2 (I counted them) 2 wet towels to smother it. What if the fire had reached the crowd? What if the cheap shitty canvas had caught on fire? There were no real precautions taken. No safety measures in place. They set some shit on fire in a high school gym and showed no aptitude whatsoever to do it correctly, if there even is a correct way. It was dangerous, and stupid, and it wasn’t even the end of the stupid fucking match!

Just ugh, man.

On the plus side, though, Masada me moves on to the finals! Since every pick I have made has lost, now its Masada’s turn! Whee!

2 out of 100.


Vice: Skewers to the brain.

...maybe stuff like that is the reason why everyone in IWA is utterly retarded? I'm no scientist so I can't exactly back my claim up with stats and actual data/evidence, but, ya know.. just sayin'.

Masada over Corporal Robinson Following A Boston Crab.

Segment 7 – Seven Team Battle Royal.

Cewsh: Okay. Royal Rumble Rules with two teams starting the match, with a new team showing up every two minutes. Eliminations are done via pinfall, submission, or throwing them over the top rope. The two winners will meet Dingo in a triple threat match for the IWA:MS World Heavyweight Championship.


Vice: Can your mega buster cut the mustard?

This match was stupid. It's a tag team battle royal and the announcer makes sure we know it's under Royal Rumble rules. You can also pin and submit people. And even though it's a tag team battle royal, it's a free-for-all.

It's kind of like a band saying they are very similar to Led Zeppelin, because their style is a combination of jazz and techno, and sing only two minute jingles about gay rights.

….what?


Cewsh Notes:

- These guys aren’t even remotely tag teams. They’re all just random singles wrestlers paired together. So basically this isn’t a tag team battle royal at all, and this match could just be between individuals with the winner getting a one on one match with Dingo. Or the final two could face Dingo. Or I could face Dingo. Any of those would make more sense than this.

- Egotistico Fantastico is in this match. Why haven’t you brought me his heart yet, loyal readers?

- I’m a huge Tank fan, as he begins to maul the shit out of Ego Fan.

- For the record, this is a battle royal that takes place 95% outside of the ring.

- I would like to note, by the way, that there are only 6 teams in this battle royal. The typo is not mine. On commentary they even say that there are only 6 teams, yet the graphic before the match, and the DVD box art both list 7 teams. Therefore, they realized it was wrong, and just DIDN’T BOTHER TO CORRECT IT.

- I can’t help but notice the enormous scaffold next to the ring. The countdown to that coming into play….

- Beach volleyballs become a major part of this match at one point. Yes of course I’m serious.

- Bull Pain just beat Egotistico Fantastico. This is good. Egotistico was Bull Pain’s tag team partner. This is bad. Very, very bad. How do you beat your own tag team partner during a tag team battle royal?

- The last two guys are Devon Moore and Nick Gage. I did not expect this. I expected a team comprised of people who deserved to compete for a championship. Yet another mistake born of unrealistic expectations.



This leads directly into….

Segment 8 – IWA:MS World Heavyweight Championship – Dingo(Sorry Wolfy) © vs. Devon (Sort Of Almost A Professional Wrestler) Moore vs. Nick (Not Even Remotely) Gage.

Cewsh: It sucked.


What? You wanted more?

It sucked A LOT.

6 out of 100.


Vice: This immediately transitions into the title match. Dingo wins. The world rejoices. The problem was that everything leading up to this match was dog shit, and the match itself was dog shit.

This was like something out of TNA, but 20 times worse. Seriously, no one looked like they had any idea what the hell was going on. The commentators were equally confused. It was just a mess.

Dingo over Everyone Else Following a Moonsault.

Segment 9 – King of the Deathmatches 2009 – 30 Minute Iron Man Deathmatch Fatal Fourway – Masada vs. Necro Buthcer vs. Thumbtack Jack vs. Dysfunctional.

Cewsh: So here we are, at the end of this dusty trail. Its kind of beautiful in a way. Like a rainbow at the end of an enormous hurricane. The destruction has been done, the world will never be the same, and yet there’s an end in sight. A return to normalcy, as much as can be hoped for. Its so close, I can taste it.

But first I have to watch these 4 assholes hit each other with light tubes for 37 minutes. Because not only did this epic tournament require an Iron Man matches. It required almost a 10 minute long overtime period. You know what that sounds like to me? NOT AN IRON MAN MATCH YOU SHIT HEADS. People get hit, people fall down, people start bleeding is such a way where I’m at a loss as to how they don’t all die of sepsis, Jack especially gets ass raped from every possible angle (though not literally, unlike in the Pondo match). The scaffold is used (called it) in the most unsatisfying way imaginable (Dysfunctional jumps off, falls gently on somebody), and when all the smoke clears, only one man stands tall and proud in the middle of the ring, with his arm rasied as the new 2009 King of the Deathmatches.

And that man is…..MASADA!

That’s right bitches, he broke the Cewsh Curse and won this whole thing. Good for him.

Now if he and everyone else involved in this tournament could just go ahead and fuck off now, I would be very pleased indeed.

9 out of 100.

Masada over Everyone Following a Show That Took 10 Years Off Of My Life.

---------------------------------------------------

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: This is the worst show I have ever seen. If you enjoyed it, and your name is not Ian Rotten, then you have no taste. If you enjoyed it and your name IS Ian Rotten, then you are an asshole.

The End.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 9.8 out of 100.

Vice’s Analysis:

Vice: Night two was a very different show from night one. Sort of. See, the wrestling was pretty much horrendous throughout both nights, but night one had that little extra bit of fun because you could actually see juuuuust how bad the show became over time. Basically, you kept watching to see if it could get any worse. And it did. It very much did. The problem was that by night's end, you had actually arrived in hell. Cewsh and I experienced just how bad it could possibly get. That was quite a wacky adventure, really. Night two, unfortunately, started in hell. So, there was no adventure. No fun in seeing just how bad it could get. It was already there. It was just three hours of some of the worst, most pointless, most offensive wrestling I've ever seen in my life.

I'm really not exaggerating here.

It was fucking atrocious.

Vice’s Final Score: 4 out of 100.

Well boys and girls, that is the end of that, and good riddance to the whole damn thing. 6 hours of our lives that will always be remembered for the sadness and woe they brought us. But there are a few things that we learned. We learned that we loathe Ian Rotten. We learned that if Hitler penetrates another man with a dildo, it is, in fact, hardcore. God willing, we learned our goddamn lesson. Next week we've got TNA's Slammiversary show, commemorating their 7th anniversary as a promotion. Will things be more fun next week? Oh, I think they might be. Oh yes. I think they might. Until then, don't forget to keep reading and be good to one another.




Cewsh Note: There may be screencaps a little bit later, for the record. Neither of us could bear to spend one more second looking at the footage after the show was over, but the scars over my eyes will fade over time. Check back later.