Shimmer Women Athletes Proudly Presents…
Shimmer Volume 33
Mrs.Cewsh: Oh ducklings, we're home! We're back to that magic land of good wrestling, compelling storylines, and pictures of the wrestlers that won't get us TOSed. We're back for another Shimmer show, dears, and it's going to be awesome. Why is this show awesome? Because we're on it! Sort of.
Volume 33 marks the first of the four tapings that Cewsh and I went to back in September. You may recall that we were very high on the experience and the resulting matches. Let's see if they translated well to a taped product, shall we? (And in case you actually did want to play spot the Cewshes, I'm the brunette with glasses and the neon blue Ninjas shirt in the back left from hard camera. Cewsh would be the one making funny faces next to me.)
The Shimmer landscape was turned upside down on the taping before this, as Madison Eagles ended MsChif's almost two year reign to become the third ever Shimmer Champion. Even worse, MsChif suffered a shoulder injury warming up and had to miss her first ever Shimmer shows. What will this do to the main event landscape? Will the shows cease to exist without the Chif? I know, you should find out.
So, without further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!
Segment 1 - Rachel and Jessica's Eggcellent Tag Team vs. The Warsaw Pact (Athena & Bonesaw).
Mrs.Cewsh: Rachel Summerlyn is well established in Shimmer, taking a break from feuding with her mentor Daffney, to team with her ACW partner, Jessica James. JJ's a really happy go lucky, bouncy character, with an evil alter ego, (that isn't going to come out tonight, but it probably should be mentioned.) ACW works closely with Shimmer and the team actually formed in 2009 to challenge the Ninjas for their Shimmer titles.
Athena and Bonesaw are both debuting tonight. Athena is also an ACW star, who has had run-ins with both members of RAJETT. She plays a kind of haughty, better than you character, calling herself the “Wrestling Goddess.” Bonesaw is another student of the Shimmer academy, and since our last student is no longer with the company, fingers crossed that this one works out better. Her gimmick is that she's Intense with a capital I. Athena and Bonesaw are teaming because...they're both new? Other than that, and the fact that they're African American, they have nothing in common.
The heels come out first, to Athena's music, and hop in the ring. Athena does a pose on the turnbuckle and Bonesaw mills about trying her hardest to be the Tazziest Tazz that has ever Tazzed. No Doubt's I'm Just a Girl hits and RAJETT run out from the curtain, with Rachel giving Jessica a damn piggyback ride, and they play to the crowd while running around like kids hopped up on pixie sticks. RAJETT are also billed as being from the International House of Paincakes. I'm going to need you all to love them along with me.
Athena and Rachel start. Athena is about 5'2” and not the largest girl on the roster. Rachel is looking fab and trim, but she's got about 6 inches and 30 pounds on Athena. Athena throws a shoulder, Rachel no sells it and asks if she want to try that again. Athena does, and again can't move Rachel. Rachel asks if she wants to try for a third, but Athena demands a test of strength instead. Rachel actually laughs in Athena's face, but goes for it. Once she has Rachel's hands, Athena kicks to the gut and takes Summerlyn to her knees with a wristlock. Rachel's a very sympathetic seller. They trade a fast paced series of moves before an attempted rollup and Athena pauses the action, claiming she heard Bonesaw ask to come in.
Bonesaw does come in, grapples with Rachel, and goes for a rollup. Rachel kicks out and takes her to the ropes. Athena smacks Bonesaw on the back and utters the fabulous,
“You get out. Get out. This is a tag match. This is a tag match, tag in the little munchkin.”
Bwahaha. Jessica is not going to stand for that injustice and does tag in. Full of fire, she sprints to Athena and hits a big headscissors. Now Athena is the bigger opponent and it's her turn to no sell a shoulder. Jessica goes for a second, but this time Athena also charges and takes Jessica off her feet. Jessica gets up and Athena taunts her. Jessica evades, causing Athena to turn around and letting Rachel sneak into position for a School Yard Trip. Athena freaks out and lets Bonesaw tag in.
Imagine Her Reaction As Being Like A More Frazzled Version of This.
Bonesaw throws some pretty bad punches before getting Jessica on the ropes. Jessica goes to hit a headscissors, but Athena interferes with a handful of hair. Jessica lands right on her damn neck and Bonesaw rolls her up. Kick out. Kick to the back, choke on the ropes, and the experienced half of the team tags back in.
Athena locks in a sleeper and Rachel starts the babyface tag dance. Jessica turns it into a chinbreaker and tries for a pin, but Athena kicks out with ease and delivers a vicious kick. She whips Jessica into the ropes, goes for something that's countered into a big Huricanrana. Jessica, instead of going for the tag, delivers some super ineffectual forearms and ends up whipped into the corner. Jessica goes to the second rope, but Athena catches her like nothing and plants her with a Spinebuster. She get's a 2 count and tags Bonesaw back in.
Bonesaw takes control with two Backbreakers to the knee and side slam into a pin attempt. Again, kick out at two. Kick to the back, whiff to the gut. A couple more power moves, a camel clutch, and another tag to Athena.
Athena drives Jessica into the ringpost, before hitting a bridge and a pin attempt. She tries for a power move, but Jessica counters into a spinning DDT, spiking Athena right onto her head. Both wrestlers crawl to their corners and make simultaneous tags.
Rachel runs in and kills Bonesaw with a big boot, before trying her own bridging pin. Athena runs in for a save. She drags Bonesaw to the corner and tags in legally. Rachel, however, has also gone to her corner and Athena turns around into Rachel swinging Jessica at her like a living mace. Jessica, (previously unable to stand,) hits a big boot on Bonesaw, who tries to run in, and Rachel sets Athena up for a double team Gory Bomb. Athena's out, RAJETT pick up the win.
Bonesaw doesn't have it yet. That's not to say she won't, I did see flashes of older high intensity badasses in her entrance, but she doesn't know how to wrestle their style. Athena, however, has “it” in spades. Her wrestling is still a little sloppy, but she makes up for it was great taunting and absolutely injecting the match with personality. I don't know how I feel about Jessica, but I do know that any match where Rachel has to be the ring general? Probably not MOTY candidate.
57 out of 100
Cewsh: Man, I love these Shimmer reviews. Not only do I get the week off from my regularly scheduled hosting duties but, well, I get to watch Shimmer.
I’ve mentioned before, I believe, my feelings on being overwhelmed and beyond pleased by Shimmer as I’ve gotten further and further into it. The fact of the matter is that I was like many of you and I thought women’s wrestling was something to go to the bathroom or get a sandwich during. I had seen the rise of the joshis from the 90s, but those days had died off in the early 00s, and I figured the day of credible women’s wrestling, and frankly the days of compelling indy wrestling in general, was over. And then Shimmer came and dried up all the rain, and my itsy bitsy interest went back to the indies again. I’m sure you’ll see (or read, which you do with your eyes, so yeah, you’ll see it) throughout the show exactly what it is that has drawn me to it, but I wanted to get things started simply by expressing my admiration for the way Shimmer is run and performed from the start. It can’t be said enough.
Now as Mrs. Cewsh said, we were actually AT these shows, so seeing the matches on DVD offers a different perspective on fun things, but the perspective on this match stayed exactly the same. Athena comes out to Rockstar 101 by Rihanna and she is a goddamn rockstar. She’s apparently a rookie, but you wouldn’t know it because she owns the entire room the second she walks into it. She’s so charismatic, in fact, that you may not even notice the young lady walking to the ring with her trying so hard to be Tazz that she can taste it, but only managing to look like someone sent to off to bed without any dinner. Then Rachel and Jessica come bursting out to the ring to I’m Just a Girl by No Doubt, full of energy and awesomeness. Love them.
For an opener to a show like this, this works. Athena heels it up and is fun to watch, and Rachel is especially fun as the crowd is way into her (Fun Fact: Rachel may or may not be the niece of Ivan Putski. Nobody has any idea but it is strongly suspected. Suspicious!) Bonesaw is…well she’s there too I guess, and Jessica sells her beating and is fine at supplementing Rachel, but this really might as well be a singles match, because it is Athena and Rachel who stand out.
Those two are going places, kiddies. Mark my words.
66 out of 100.
R&J Over A+B Following A Combination Gory Bomb.
Segment 2 - Jamilia (Lil’ Warrior) Craft vs. Cat(herine) Power.
Mrs.Cewsh: Jamilia only sometimes lives up to the “Jumpin'” part of her name. She bounces all over before the bell, but after she's not much a flyer. Cat starts by batting at Jamilia's tassles, a great touch of character, before starting a shoving match. A couple of shoves, and they switch to chops. Jamilia plays a little rough, and Cat rolls out to the floor to take a 9 count to “stretch” and “warm up”.
Unfortunately, that's about the last interesting or memorable thing in this match. Cat pretty much dominates until Jamilia hits a leaping lariat, that looks like it might win her the match. She only gets a two count. Cat grapples into position for the Cat Nap, a sit out Rock Bottom, and she gets the pin.
It's a pretty standard. I don't find Jamilia to be very compelling in the ring, which is fine because it was the Cat Power show. No one looked bad, it wasn't a squash, but it didn't really aspire to be more than an undercard *lock fest.
63 out of 100
Cewsh: Cat Power is what Catwoman would look like if she found her regular costume too constricting.
Definitely Not Complaining.
Jamilia Craft looks like Ariel after a high speed collision with the Ultimate Warrior.
Now Cat Power (whose real name is fucking Catherine Power for awesome’s sake) is one of the large collection of Shimmer midcarders who is quite talented, has a bunch of potential, but isn’t really going anywhere at the moment, and Jamilia is still breaking into Shimmer as a student, so obviously this isn’t going to be some epic slugfest with the crowd calling for blood. Cat Power dishes out a nice beating, Jamilia sells and looks plucky, and then Cat picks up the decisive victory with her Cat Nap.
Maybe it isn’t fair to call any match forgettable when two people work hard to make it happen but, well, this match was forgettable. Good, but forgettable.
67 out of 100.
Cat Power Over Jamilia Craft Following The Cat Nap.
Segment 3 – Jessie McKay is Cute, Seriously.
Mrs.Cewsh: Jessie has requested some mic time, but before she can get going, her ex-tag team partner and mentor shows up. Madison says she's the champ, so she gets the spotlight and the interview time and Jessie moves it, before she loses it.
This Is Called Foreshadowing, Boys And Girls.
Amber is glad to see Madison, because Shimmer won't have a paper champ. Madison's opponent for tonight is, Cheerleader Melissa. Seriously? Seriously.
Segment 4 - Allison (This Is My Yard) Danger vs. Leva (Alleged Geek) Bates.
Mrs.Cewsh: Leva caused quite a stir at this taping. Firstly, because we mispronounced her name through this whole match, (it's Lee-vah, not Lay-vah,) and secondly because Shimmer is a family friendly program and Leva's music may be...less than wholesome.
Only A Smidge.
Leva is a comic book nerd and often cosplays in the ring. She's very entertaining and extraordinarily sympathetic. She's also a stunt woman who was working at Universal Studios when she was approached to attend Team 3D's school. In this match, she's playing the plucky babyface, challenging the locker room leader for respect.
As is the formula, Danger maintains a lot of the momentum. She chooses to focus on an arm, because Leva's big hulk up move is the Palm Strikes. She does a good job, keeping Leva grounded with a lot of submissions and keeping her moving with several Irish Whips. The crowd chants, Leva gets her second wind, and manages to deliver her Palm Strikes. On the offense now, she answers with a whip of her own and hits Danger with a turnbuckle double stomp.
Unfortunately, Danger calls “Old School” and delivers a vicious Shimmering Warlock, (Shining Wizard) that absolutely wrecks Leva. There's no getting up from that. Three count and Danger calls for a mic.
Danger's said in interviews that she doesn't want to wrestle forever and will probably go back to her other career in a few years. I don't know if that's still the plan, but she's certainly putting young stars over like it is. She tells Leva that she sees her at the top, like a Goonie at the end of the movie, they embrace, and Leva limps to the back.
Danger starts to tell us to buy Leva's merch, when another woman comes flying out of the back. She goes to cheap shot Danger, but Danger spins around and catches her. It's Veronika Vice, who was on volumes 19 and 20, but never seen again. Now she's back, and wants a spot that's being taken up by the up-and-comers. Good crowd reaction of, “You left!” and “Earn it!”. Danger says she makes stars, but if Vice wants to go, Danger's got another volume and an open slot. Match is made for 34.
69 out of 100
Like Chairman Meow Here.
Now this was only Leva’s second taping so she’s still pretty new, and Shimmer is unique in that they don’t actually announce the cards before the shows themselves, leaving you to wait and see what the matches are going to be (on the undercard at least) literally as the wrestlers make their entrances. This leads to a fantastic moment where Leva comes out, get cheered and is adorable, and then Allison’s music hits and the entire room goes “OOOOOHHHHHH HOLY SHIT” because Leva is going to get herself wrecked. A great moment and the kind of thing you can’t script from a show but adds so much to it.
The match is a face vs. face affair and mostly mat based with Leva surprising Danger many times and really making a name for herself. Between that and Danger putting her over on the mic after the match, we have ourselves a brand new star made in one night. Fucking awesome and I’m all for it, as evidenced by the foam Leva Bates sign still sitting in the back window of my car to this day.
The Very One That Mrs. Cewsh Is Holding Right There, In Fact.
Oh, and Veronika Vice? Yeah, not impressed.
72 out of 100.
Allison Danger Over Leva Bates Following The Shimmering Warlock.
Segment 5 - Taylor Made (A Mess) vs. Melanie (On) Cruise (Control).
Mrs.Cewsh: The new girl's can't all be winners.
Taylor Made is one of the most generic indy wrestlers I have ever seen. I don't even hate her look as much as Cewsh, her hair's kind of fun, but she has no charisma, nothing to set her apart, and a bad name.
Aside From her MAGIC HANDS Anyway.
It's like Nevaeh's wrestling in a wig...
Melanie, however, is coming along nicely. She could benefit from wrestling vets instead of newcomers, but she no longer needs her manager and isn't just getting booed, but getting the face cheered. She just needs to find a character and I think she'll shine.
You don't need play by play for this match. Picture an indy undercard squash. Imagine it goes ~ 4 minutes. Now imagine even that's too long.
44 out of 100
Cewsh: GODZILLA VS. THE PORN STAR.
While that description may sound outrageously awesome (I think I subconsciously mortgaged my house to finance that screenplay), in practice here it is not exactly what you might call a mat classic. Melanie is huge and has oodles and caboodles of potential but she’s still a little bit green and it shows, so she needs someone who can help her while she’s still getting the experience she needs to become a confidant monster heel. Nothing wrong with that. Taylor Made, unfortunately for everyone involved, is not that helper. In fact, I would go so far as to say that she will never in her life be capable of assisting anyone in a wrestling related context whatsoever until she leaves an opens a spot for someone who actually has talent.
But hey, I don’t want to be negative during this show because I’m having a good time, so I refuse to finish my review of this match without saying something positive. Something that redeems the involvement of Taylor Made and makes this entire experience tolerable. You can do this Cewsh, what do you have?
It was short.
Yeah. That’ll do.
52 out of 100.
Melanie Cruise Over Taylor Made Following The Cruise Control.
Segment 6 – A Backstage Interview? Let’s Not Get Crazy Now.
Mrs.Cewsh: Melissa isn't the greatest promo in the world, but it's more than serviceable. She puts over the company, the girls, and even her rival Madison before doing what she does best on the mic. She looks directly into the camera and declares, “I'm going home. With the gold.” with so much intensity and conviction that my couch lit on fire.
Shown: Intensity.
Required: Homeowner's Insurance.
Scouts honor.
Segment 7 - Misaki (Cat Macro Squared) Ohata vs. Portuguese (Woman O’War) Princess Ariel.
Mrs.Cewsh: Ohata beats Ariel in about 7 minutes with the Fairy Lock, (headlock armbar.)
That's about it. Ariel is extremely stale at this point.
54 out of 100
Cewsh: If Leva Bates is the spawn of a cat macro and Spiderman, then Masaki Ohata is the result of crossing a cat macro with ANTOHER CAT MACRO, attaining some kind of superhuman cuteness levels that would have the Ghostbusters scrambling for cover.
Cat Macro To The Second Power.
Despite that, she is a no nonsense mat technician once the bell rings, and Ariel has her work cut out for her even keeping up with the firecracker from Japan. She tries her best, using her superior experience and size to stay ahead of her, but Ohata is just way more intense and skilled than Ariel was prepared for, and Misaki finds herself having things her way all match long.
Its worth mentioning again, for the record, that Ohata is, chronologically, a rookie in the world of professional wrestling. Ever since her whirlwind training after deciding that being an Idol was boring, she has matured rapidly into something special in the world of Joshi and its always nice to see her bring it to the States. With that said, with the lightning quick pace of her matches, she seems more prone to miscommunication than the other Japanese girls and this match isn’t exempt. But hey, I’ll take botchy Ohata over no Ohata any day of the week.
70 out of 100.
Misaki Ohata Over Ariel Following The Fairy Lock.
Segment 8 - Kellie Skater is Cocky, Delusional.
Mrs.Cewsh: Kellie comes to the ring with a mini pink dumbbell, a bottle of a mysterious white liquid, (Cewsh Reviews can neither confirm nor deny the existence of Roo Roids,) and some shocking pink eyeshadow. She grabs a mic and announces that her recent losses are merely flukes. The sun was in her eyes. She was recovering from Wolverineness. Her opponents are cheats. She dares any woman in the back to face her, but she's pretty sure there's no one worthy.
Don't Worry Kellie, That Couldn't Possibly Backfire On You, Right?
P.S. Don't Look Behind You.
Pan to the curtain, and out comes her opponent, Serena Deeb. Now the Deebious One is not unknown to Shimmer fans, competing first for the company on Volume 5, and was in a main event program when she left for WWE developmental. It should also be noted that Dave implied on the forums that Serena was out of Shimmer's price range now and her 90 day no-compete would have kept her away regardless. Unlike Veronkia, her merch was not set out. The crowd goes absolutely apeshit.
With Kellie preening as though the cheers are hers, Serena walks up behind her, waits for Kellie to finally turn around, and decks her directly in the face.
Segment 9 – Serena (Welcome Back, Kotter) Deeb vs. Kellie Skater (Again Not The Surfer).
Mrs.Cewsh: Serena rocks the ring and Kellie flees to the outside. Serena climbs the turnbuckle and the fans are nuts. Kellie says she wasn't ready and carefully enters the match again. They lock up, but Tank slaps Serena.
Not to be disrespected, Serena manhandles her, hitting several fantastic armdrags and a leg drop. She headbutts in the corner and sets up her finisher, the Spear. Kellie moves aside and Serena hits the turnbuckle instead.
The missed Spear lets Kellie take control, utilizing a lot of technical wrestling mixed with some less than legal gouges and chokes. She also finds time to flex for the crowd. Skater soldiers along, getting Serena into the corner and unloading some chops on her. Several punches to the midsection and the ref pulls Skater off. Skater does some lunges back to the middle of the ring, taking her time, and goes to attack again in the corner, but she's taken too long.
Serena regains some strength and runs the ropes before hitting a one armed body slam. Serena hits some big jabs, taking Kellie to the mat, and she tries for a pin. Skater kicks out, but Serena sets up the Spear. This time she hits it and gets the three.
I cannot say enough for the crowd in this match. All the chants were great, very respectful, and very heartfelt. The atmosphere was absolutely electric and it was such a big moment. They were hot from the second Serena stepped through the curtain and they didn't stop being hot until well after she had walked away.
For her part, Serena looked amazing. She was very quick and athletic, in great shape, and extraordinarily entertaining. After the match, she hugged the fans opposite hard camera, and slapped hands with every. single. fan. She was very sweet, seemed excited, and seemed genuinely touched by the emotion in the room.
81 out of 100
Cewsh: First of all, Kelly Skater is such a perfect midcard heel. The crowd loves to hate her and she’s so brilliant with her antics. The idea that she thinks she is literally indestructible and keeps making open challenges that end with her being crusherized only makes it that much more fun (after all, if she says she is made of pure adamantium, who are you to argue, junior?). So she comes on out and jabbers at the fans and then SERENA FUCKING DEEB comes to play. Serena Deeb who had been a Shimmer girl through and through until she got her call to the big leagues where she made a star of herself, and now back to Shimmer where she belongs and the pop is HUUUUUUUUGE.
Now bear in mind. This is an independent wrestling show. There are only like 250-300 people here tops, so when there’s a huge pop it isn’t like Austin coming out. But when Serena hits that ring, every single person in attendance FREAKS OUT and starts chanting at the top of their lungs for her in a whirlwind of unexpected emotion and happiness. Skater, for her part, aint exactly so impressed so they get their match on and Serena looks great in her first match since she got released (not that WWE ever let her wrestle except for that one time anyway) and this match winds up being a fun ride. Ultimately Serena leaves with tears of happiness in her eyes at the reception she has been given as the fans chant her name all the way to the back.
There will be better matches on this card for sure, but fuck that moment when she came out and the roof blew off the Berwyn Eagles Club will go down as one of the greatest Shimmer moments of all time.
73 out of 100.
Serena Deeb over Kellie Skater Following The Spear.
Segment 10 – Nikki! Roxx!
Mrs.Cewsh: Nikki Roxx is a Shimmer main stay. No matter what happens at other companies, and yes, this is just after THAT* match, Nikki is a fan favorite. She's never really been more than a midcarder, however, and she's here tonight to tell us that that's going to change.
That's it.
Cute outfit, though. Her hair's looking good.
She Owns Street Clothes?
*Check issue 105 true believers, to learn about how the dastardly wizards at TNA destroyed her dreams in the most brutal way possible!
Segment 11 – (detarrevO sI) Nevaeh vs. Sara Del Rey(cking Your Shit).
Mrs.Cewsh: Oh Nevaeh, no sweetie. Just go home. Del Rey will kill you. And then grind your bones to make her bread.
You Really Work Up On Appetite For People Bread When You're Lifting Tons Of Weights.
Have I confused her with giants again? Rats.
Nevaeh starts off trying to out wrestle Del Rey. She's actually pretty successful, locking in a side headlock and then taking her to the ground with a take over. Del Rey fights up, but Nevaeh takes her down again, still holding on to the headlock. Del Rey finally breaks it and fights back with a backbreaker, but Nevaeh locks in...another headlock!
Unfortunately, this one's a bit less successful and Del Rey locks her up in the ropes and takes a big handful of her hair. Del Rey breaks and Nevaeh hits a neckbreaker. Del Rey follows it up with a rapid succession of backbreakers. Nevaeh won't be kept down and hits a dropkick and an STO and hits a few pin attempts.
Del Rey gets a big elbow in the corner an an even bigger running boot. Nevaeh goes down for a two, but kicks out. This angers Del Rey, who picks her up in a Torture Rack. Nevaeh wiggles out, runs up the ropes, and gets a Sliced Bread #2. It's not enough. Del Rey's done with the match and cinches in a Labelle Lock, in honor of her teacher, and we all go home.
On tape, it's actually a better match than I gave it credit for live. Nevaeh isn't terrible in the ring. She's still blandy mcblandy bland bland bland, but her Sliced Bread #2 looked nice, she sold like hell, and she looked competitive.
77 out of 100
Cewsh: As you may recall from our last review of Shimmer, Nevaeh is Heaven spelled backwards, while Sara Del Rey is Awesome McBadass spelled backwards. The purposes behind this match aren’t quite as crack addled as they may seem, since Nevaeh is got some minor local publicity promoting the show, so naturally they wanted to give her something to do, not to mention that, for what its worth, she is one of only 7 champions in Shimmer’s 5 year history, so, while she’s by miles the least talented of that group, I suppose she has a place in matches like this. It does warm me to know, at least, that Sara Del Rey is going to massacre her.
And massacre she does, as the Death Rey just spends 10 minutes bludgeoning Nevaeh. Lady N tries to fight back and even manages to show some impressive pluck and fire, but Del Rey is a monster and there is nothing she can do to stop the onslaught.
Obviously since this match contained She Who Shall Be Renamed, it wasn’t a Platinum Seal affair or anything, but Del Rey gets the most out of her, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of here from either woman. Now get Del Rey back to the main event, please. Its about time for Del Rey/Melissa.
71 out of 100.
Sara Del Rey over Neveah Following The Labelle Lock.
Segment 12 – Jessie (Everybody’s Favorite Grilfriend) McKay vs. Nicole (Everybody’s Favorite Curmudgeon) Matthews.
Mrs.Cewsh: This is the first of three rematches tonight, and it's probably the one that makes the least sense. Haze got Kurihara counted out and Eagles obviously cheated in her first match with Melissa. Nicole may have heeled it up in her match with McKay, but it wasn't anything really rematch worthy.
We start off with a little video showing Nicole's win, and then the ladies head to the ring. Sometimes I feel like the only Shimmer fan who feels this way, but while Nicole is certainly talented, she isn't the second coming of Kurt Angle. Both women are talented and athletic, Nicole is a great heel and Jessie is the most sympathetic face on the roster, and yet...
After the excitement of Skater/Serena, or even the fire of Neveah/Del Rey, the whole match is just kind of boring. It's story feels forced, nothing is overly memorable, and it's just a diving board for Jessie's main event push.
71 out of 100
Cewsh: Think of this as the clash of the potentiometers. Or, if you aren’t as much a fan of barometric pressure readings as I am, think of this as a match between two of the women with the most potential in all of Shimmer. See, Jessie had always been sort of a midcard staple in Shimmer since the Aussies invaded a good while back. She was sexy, and adorable and peppy and the fans loved her dearly, but she wasn’t really going anywhere fast and she wasn’t really taken very seriously. With this match, however, she begins a rise that will take her all the way to…but that’s a story for another time.
Nicole Matthews, on the other hand, is one half of the tag team champions with the prodigy known as Portia Perez, and while it would be fair to say that Matthews is the half of that team that needs the most experience and is still finding herself as a performer, it is quite clear that the sky is the limit for her, and she is in exactly the right spot on the card to get it. She’s half of the tag champions, her partner is the best heat magnet on the independent scene, and she’s getting long upper midcard matches on every show just like she does here.
This match is damn good, and it works to both of their strengths really well. And let me say this right now. If Jessie McKay and her great skills, great looks, and bubbly personality don’t find themselves in WWE alongside her fellow Aussie Tenille (congrats on the signing lady!) inside the year then somebody (looking at you Johnny Ace) isn’t doing their job correctly.
Even Johnny Ace Couldn't Ruin This.
76 out of 100.
Jessie McKay Over Nicole Matthews Following The Schoolgirl Crush.
Segment 13 - Ayumi (Top Chef) Kurihara vs. Daizee (Is Unfamiliar With Food And Eating Of It) Haze.
Mrs.Cewsh: As I mentioned in the previous match, Daizee got Ayumi counted out on the last volume. Kurihara tried to roll in at 7, but Haze kicked her and the ref didn't restart the count, even though he totally should have. Because this caused Ayumi to have her first loss in Shimmer, this obviously did not sit well with the Joshi and a rematch was made. This time, there are no count outs.
Haze had been stale as a face, but she's phenomenal as a heel. She has great facial expressions and has adopted kind of a sulky demeanor. Because of the no count out stip, the match may start in the ring but it quickly moves to the floor.
Where The Belligerent Fan In Purple Gets Us Randomly On Camera Again.
Both women are known for their suplexes and this is not the exception. Daizee Tiger Suplexes Ayumi a million times and Ayumi suplexes her some more. Ayumi tries for her Missile dropkick, but Haze manages to avoid it. Ayumi hits another suplex for the win.
The biggest surprise from this match was how quickly it went. It was a quick, fun upper midcard match to psych up the crowd and it was really entertaining.
82 out of 100
Cewsh: Daizee Haze is a strange case.
"Go On."
To the current generation of women’s wrestlers, she’s basically the Undertaker, having been around forever, seen everything, and now focusing primarily on training and helping the younger wrestlers. As a result she’s become kind of a mother hen of independent women’s wrestling, despite being about 30 and looking about 17. She’s a heel here after she turned on her students in the last show we reviewed and it’s the role she’s meant to play. You’d think a character who loved to smoke weed and listen to reggae wouldn’t work quite so well as a vicious heel gimmick, but then again, as I said, Daizee Haze is a strange case.
Kurihara, on the other hand, is a really special get for Shimmer here and they damn sure want you to know it. She’s the daughter of the man who runs the most famous restaurant for wrestlers in Japan (as many gaijin have said, if your picture isn’t on the wall there, you aren’t worth shit), and she is flying up the ladder in Japan. See, joshi as a concept fell on extremely hard times when the new millennium came knocking, and all but died out for several years, but now due to the growing interest in women’s wrestling worldwide it has experience a rebirth, bringing legends like Hamada, Toyota and Aja Kong back from early retirement to prepare the next generation of stars. For all intents and purposes, that next generation of stars begins and ends with Ayumi Kurihara right now, and the Joshi Princess is rapidly acquiring more belts than an Italian belt model.
If you want to know WHY Kurihara is being pushed to the moon worldwide, it doesn’t take long to figure out. The crowd loves her as she comes out for this match and they’re behind her all the way. Her moves look great, her selling is spot on, and she seems the most confident of any of the joshis (except Hamada) working an American style. As a result of that, and of Daizee Haze doing some purely transcendent heel work throughout, this is a damn good match that threatens to steal the show straight up. Loved it, and love them.
79 out of 100.
Ayumi Kurihara Over Daizee Haze Following An Exploder T Bone Suplex.
Segment 14 - Ayako (Legend) Hamada vs. Tomoka (Bell End) Nakagawa.
Mrs.Cewsh: Someone on the Shimmer boards recommended subtitling these volumes “The Ayako Hamada Comedy Hours.” It's not a bad idea. Nakagawa too has great comedic timing in this match, and the announcers have a very lively banter of their own. That's not to say this is a comedy match, just that everyone involved appears to be having the time of their lives.
Hamada is a legend before her 30th birthday. Anyone familiar with Cewsh Reviews will know that she's not just my favorite wrestler, I list her as the greatest wrestler. Meeting her was the highlight of my weekend. She was in two of the three best matches of the tapings. She is women's wrestling.
Nakagawa is my favorite of the joshis. She's a great heel with fantastic timing, improvisation skills, and a wicked sense of humor. She's also really good in the ring. Between them, this match is tremendous.
90 out of 100
Cewsh: Your face. It shall be rocked off.
First of all, if you are a reader of Cewsh Reviews and don’t already regard Ayako Hamada as some kind of walking god figure then you haven’t been reading correctly. She is the biggest legend wrestling regularly in women’s wrestling today, and as the last true joshi star before the recent rebirth, she essentially represents all of the old guard and the astonishingly great matches they had and were known for.
Oh, and she just turned 30.
Now most people, when faced with wrestling an icon like Hamada, would get overwhelmed, or at least ignored in favor of the bigger star. But Nakagawa is not any ham and egger, and I want to make this absolutely clear, I have seen dozens of Japanese wrestlers come to America and many portray heels, and they’re so far behind Nakagawa at it that she makes them look sad and ridiculous. Every fucking move she makes is heelish. She never passes a single booing fan without giving them a thumbs down sign and mocking them. She’s like some kind of vengeful crazy heel spirit from the underworld who happens to like the color green a lot and spit water at her opponents.
Portia Perez: "What's The Problem With That? Maybe Its Refreshing!"
The combination of these two, somehow, is even better than the sum of the parts, as Hamada goes miles out of her way to put over Nakagawa, which to give a more familiar example, would be like Shawn Michaels having a 20 minute neck and neck match with Chris Masters. Which, come to think of it, he did. This is better than that, though, and in fact is better than anything else on the show. If people keep stealing the show from one another all night long, these reviews are going to sound redundant after awhile, aren’t they?
83 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ayako Hamada Over Tomoka Nakagawa Following The AP Cross.
Segment 15 – Shimmer Championship - Madison (Dastardly Heel) Eagles vs. Cheerleader (Heroic Babyface) Melissa.
Regardless, the fans are not sitting on their hands when we cut to the ring. They're buzzing and as soon as Melissa's music hits, we get “Next world champ! Next world champ!” Melissa's pumped and looks fantastic. No Cheerleader trappings, she's wearing a black and gold top and shorts, although she does stop at some fans and cheerfully exclaim, “Pom poms!” as they wave them at her. Madison's music hits and she comes out in a fantastic skirt with “I
ME” across the back. Tremendous.This is another great, fast paced, match, but this one also has the advantage of being super intense and emotional. I watch this match and when Melissa tries for the Kudo Driver, I get that giddy “this time, THIS TIME!” feeling when you know the finish but hope you could be mistaken.
No Matter How Many Times You Watch This, It Will Never Be Madison Eagles.
Of course, Melissa does not get the Kudo and Madison does hit Hellbound in the middle of the ring and wins clean. And it's awesome. Madison is the second best heel on the Shimmer roster and a fantastic champion. She's cowardly, paranoid, sniveling, and absolutely deadly in competition. Melissa has never needed a belt to be the most over woman in a room, but Madison needs it to be the greatest heel champ. Seriously.
She Must Be The Greatest.
88 out of 100
Cewsh: You know, all show long I’ve been basically telling you who these people are on the off chance that you fools aren’t smart enough to have followed our repeated desperate commands and checked Shimmer out for yourselves prior to this. But here I actually want to talk about the match. See, Cheerleader Melissa has never been Shimmer champion. This is an important fact since she’s basically been the face of Shimmer and indy women’s wrestling for half a decade now. She always gets just so tantalizingly close and then has it snatched away from her at the last second. Therefore when she gets shots like this it is a big damn deal and even more so because the dastardly Madison Eagles cheated to beat her for the title shot that she cashed in to become the third Shimmer champion in the first place.
As they make their way out, the crowd is wayyyyyyyy in Melissa’s corner, and the degree to which they are certain of her victory and in support of her with the whole crowd shaking poms poms in her direction really gives this match a big fight feel. Then our champion comes out to resounding boos.
As they get into it, they really fucking get into it. Melissa wants that title bad and with her already being pissed at Madison anyway from the earlier loss, so she immediately sets out to mat wrestle the champ into submission. Madison, who is one of the only women of the roster who can match the sheer size of Melissa, let alone skill, isn’t easy prey though and she has really grown since becoming champion, as she wrestles a smart, conservative match, making Melissa play out her early enthusiasm and tire herself out before Eagles takes over, taunting and humiliating Melissa as she goes and generally not being the kind of girl you’d bring home to mom (unless you hated your mom, in which case fair enough).
Melissa keeps right on rallying up over and over as Madison does all she can to shut her down, and the fans are going ballistic at this point, crying out for a “new champ, new champ”. They go back and forth and back and forth with Madison looking like 10 times the competitor she has ever been before, pulling out all the stops to find an answer to Shimmer’s poster child. Melissa has an answer every time though and gets more and more fired up and dangerous as the match goes on, even at one point putting Eagles in a nasty leg lock and STOMPING HER IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD just to add insult to injury Kanemoto style. Madison gets more and more frustrated as she can’t manage to put Melissa away no matter what kind of bombs she drops on the cheerleader. Melissa nails her signature Air Raid Crash but all the damage Madison has applied to her back prevents her from making the pin and finally realizing her dream. She recovers and tries for the Kudo Driver (Cop Killah) but Madison fights out so Melissa just wastes her with a Curb Stomp instead, which Madison miraculously kicks out of. Now sure of her victory, Melissa hurries Madison into the Kudo Driver again, but a brief twinge of her back allows Eagles to hit her out of nowhere with a solid kick to the face and then lift her up for a lightning quick Hellbound (Death Valley Driver to the knee). And then suddenly, shocking, this match is over. Madison Eagles has defied the odds and the expectations of everyone in attendance, and once again Cheerleader Melissa has made one mistake too many. Inches away from the gold she has made it her life’s goal to possess, but it may as well be miles.
So Close And Yet So Far.
And that’s all she wrote folks.
If you had told me that women’s wrestling matches could be this intense, emotional and well wrestled when I was giving the Divas and Knockouts a hard time for all those years, I would have smacked myself silly for being such an idiot. The story told here, and told so effectively by these two monstrously talented women, is as edge of your seat as it gets. I can attest to you that there wasn’t one single person in attendance that was anything short of DESPERATE for Melissa to win this match and they were devastated for her when she didn’t. After the show goes off the air she got about 8 standing ovations from a crowd that truly loves her, and frankly after her performance tonight, similar love for Madison Eagles was in evidence as well.
Good fucking god, what a match and what a night.
89 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Madison Eagles Over Cheerleader Melissa Following The Hellbound.
------------------------------------------
Cewsh’s Conclusion:
Cewsh: Every time I put in a Shimmer DVD, I expect not to like it.
Despite the great stuff I’ve already seen from them, I think there’s a part of my brain, and a part of the brain of a vast majority of wrestling fans, that looks at women’s wrestling and just says “meh”. We’ve been trained that way like lab rats for years and years now by the fumble handed incompetent and sexist treatment of women by whatever company you care to name, and its understandable how I, or you, might come to those conclusions.
Therefore let me say here, in the strongest of terms and the simplest of definitions. Shimmer will change your mind. This show was a triumph, not only of women wrestling well, but of an independent promotion putting on a cohesive show that worked together and was fun to watch all the way through. Nobody used any light tubes, there weren’t 80 20 minute Kings Road aping matches. It was just a wrestling show with fun characters, a few great matches, and a hot crowd who adored what they were getting.
In other words, its everything that wrestling has forgotten that it is supposed to be.
Support this company you motherfuckers. If it goes out of business I’m holding you all responsible.
Cewsh’s Final Score: 72.54 out of 100.
Mrs.Cewsh's Mediagenic :
Mrs. Cewsh: Shimmer. Shimmer Shimmer Shimmer. I love you. Let's run away together to a magical land of 80+ match scores, hot finishes, near calls, and the Ayako Hamada Comedy Hour. We'll buy a bungalow and raise kittens or cosplaying wrestlers dressed as kittens. There will be brunch at the International House of Paincakes. It will be heaven.
However, my dear, I know your heart's in the right place, but we can't save everyone. I know we can't build Portia Perezes, Kellie Skaters, and Jessie McKays without an undercard to nurture, but we could trim the fat. Just a bit. Just like two or three matches. We're slowly approaching WCW levels of segments here and they're ALL MATCHES.
Just think about it. Cut Taylor Made, live in a badass bungalow. It's a pretty good tradeoff.
Mrs. Cewsh's Final Score: 70.54 out of 100.
Alright, that'll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the official return to our collective happy place, and with Mrs. Cewsh and I attending the Shimmer tapings at the end of this month, you can be that there will be more of the Shim Shim Shimaroo girls in the future. Alas, we cannot dwell in the indies however, as the big leagues call, and we are on target for TNA's Victory Road 2011 show. With the last show before their biggest show of the year (which it totally is whether they like it or not) Lockdown, TNA has a new champion, a new person in charge, and more turmoil than you could shake a lightsaber at. Who will come out on top? Only one way to find out. Until then, be sure to keep reading, and, as always, be good to one another.
P.S. If you haven't already, make sure to submit your match (or multiple matches really) choices to me via Private Message for the Cewsh Reviews/I Have An Opinion Crossover Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card 2: Electric Boogaloo. You don't have to to spell it, you just have to feed it. So get those matches in, because the deadline is only 2 short weeks away!
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