Regardless of the reason, here it is in all its glory, and you can decide for yourself.
Ring of Honor Proudly Presents...
Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to the debut episode of CEWSH and VICE Review ______! This is the first time he and I have collaborated on anything this intensive, and we’re treating like a trial run to see what kinks need to be worked out and what we like doing with this. At any rate, this is also the first Ring of Honor show either of us have seen in some time, and we had no idea ahead of time who was going to win the matches, or even what matches were on the card, so our reactions are entirely stream of consciousness. No names have been changed to protect the hobos.
So let’s get started!
Segment 1 – The Revolution Against Something Or Other.
Cewsh: To begin this show in our backyard of Mannasas Virginia, the Age of the Fall of Tyler Black and Jimmy Jacobs are outside having a leisurely chat about some stuff. Their opponents tonight or something? Vice took a piss break and I speculated on what exactly they were rebelling against. I assume they’re protesting getting made fun of for having bad hair and hobo beards. Moving on…
Vice: I pissed through the majority of this. Probably a better piss than promo. Jacobs was better when we was a HUSSler.
Segment 2 – The Briscoe Brothers vs. Shane Hagadorn and Adam Pearce w. Sara Del Ray and Larry Sweeney
Vice: Not the greatest of matches, but not bad. Starts off with some decent comedy but then turns into a more serious match. Briscoes are on fire like usual. Pearce is solid like usual. Hagadorn is a gimp like usual. Probably a good choice for opening match, but it’s not anything I’d ever want to watch again.
22 out of 100
Cewsh: This match was an okay opener I suppose, and the Briscoe Brothers looked amazing as always, but I just don’t get the whole Adam Pearce thing. He wrestles an old school style, but in reality he doesn’t, he just works slowly and clashes with the style of everyone else on the Ring of Honor roster. Is this supposedly a good thing? He has Shane Hagadorn as his manservant or something, but since Pearce isn’t over, Hagadorn isn’t getting any sort of benefit from this, and Pearce is being weighed down by having to get a group over instead of just himself. It’s just kind of a mess, as is defending the NWA heavyweight title on your show and treating it like a secondary belt. If you’re going to support the NWA title, then make it your main title, don’t just have it be in the opening match between workers nobody really cares about.
And for the record, 2 out of two reviewers agree. Del Ray would break us, but it would be so worth it.
45 out of 100
The Briscoe Brothers over Pearce and Hagadorn with the Springboard Doomsday Device.
Cewsh: After the match Brent Albright runs in and I mistake him for a hobo. He yells about some stuff, and I note the name Chris Hero. Is he still in Ring of Honor? Guess we’ll find out…
Segment 3 – Nigel Talks About Ruckus or Smuckers or Workers or Fuckers or…
Cewsh: Nigel cuts a 10 second promo on his jelly brand of choice, and then some guy in a bowtie who looks like an uglier Steven Richards shows up and shows him a porn movie on his PSP. That was it. The whole segment. Right.
Segment 4 – Pelle Primeau vs. Rex Sterling
Vice: Throwaway exhibition match of sorts. Primo is getting a bit more personality and a better look, but he still reeks of student. No idea who Rex is, but he has the same smell and a worse look. Not a horrible match in reality, but it didn’t exactly offer anything.
9 out of 100
Cewsh: I have to be honest. The crowd didn’t care about this match, the wrestlers didn’t care about this match, and we spent the whole time making nicknames for them. This is what you call a scrub match.
Meh out of 100
Pelle Primeau over Rex Sterling with a roll up.
Segment 5 – Rhett Titus vs. Delirious
Vice: What a fun match. Everything it needed to be. Didn’t expect much from the start, but it became very lovely. Last time I saw Titus, he was an absolute nobody. Now he’s on fire. His gimmick is awesome and he plays it to perfection. He could be a big part of WWE’s midcard/upper midcard one day. Delirious was just Delirious. He needs something more as his gimmick has been the same for a long time.
57 out of 100
Cewsh: Rhett Titus, who as it turns out, was the bow tie guy in the last segment is one of the former Ring of Honor Academy students, and honestly, upon seeing him and his gimmick, he is set to become to only one to ever make a name for himself. He is absolutely amusing with his gyrating, and heel dickishness. I found myself marking out for him for the whole match, and being quite impressed by his understanding of heel work. Delirious on the other hand. Well let’s just say that the more understandable his speech becomes (he clearly yelled things during the match that were just normal things to yell at least 5 times) and the longer it goes with his gimmick staying completely the same, the less relevant he becomes. He’s just stale at this point, and I don’t even watch him on a month to month basis. At any rate, this match was all about Titus and how fun he made this match to watch.
55 out of 100.
Delirious over Rhett Titus with the Cobra Clutch Thing.
Cewsh: Post match, The Haze gives Delirious a kiss on the cheek. Some women’s taste, eh?
Segment 6 – Necro Butcher vs. Roderick Strong
Cewsh: I can’t watch a Necro Butcher match, and Roderick Strong makes me sleepy. So I’ll throw it to Vice.
0 out of 100
Vice: Some decent spots. Not a great story. Not a lot of good. Kinda boring. Wouldn’t want to watch it again. Necro doesn’t really belong in ROH, but his character and style do bring enough uniqueness that I don’t mind him being there. I love how he fights like a guy off the streets. Strong punches, headbutts, no finesse.. it’s good stuff. And yeah, I’m still a mark for Strong.
29 out of 100
Roderick Strong over Necro Butcher with a Gibson Driver.
Segment 8 – The Motor City (Why Would You Want To Admit To Being From Michigan Anyway?) Machine Guns vs. Bryan (I Hate The Sun) Danielson and Austin (I Spend A Great Deal of Time in the Sun) Aries
Cewsh: Well I’m sure you all know what to expect from this match. Arguably the most entertaining tag team in the world against Ring of Honor’s two top guys, you know its going to be high quality. And high quality it certainly was. Aside from a few holds that just plain looked overtly sexual, this match was an absolute joy to watch. Breath taking double team spots, great back and forth action, and some entertaining quotes. Its just everything you’d hope for and expect from a match like this. They let it all hang out, and have a damn fine exhibition of all 4 guys. This is the kind of match I want when I think of Ring of Honor and watch their shows. Great young wrestlers going all out and just being thrilling to watch. I can’t say enough about it. I could have watched them for 3 hours.
84 out of 100
Cewsh's Seal Of Approval
Vice: Great match. Why ROH is watchable. Amazing tag work all around. The Guns have so much chemistry it’s unbelievable. They’re so fluid and have so many tag team maneuvers. So entertaining to watch. I love how the entrance was fucked up, so they all just laughed it off and did it again. I didn’t really like the two time limit draws, but it makes sense. Aries and Danielson shouldn’t be losing to the Guns, and TNA doesn’t want the Guns losing in other feds.
85 out of 100
The Motor City Machine Guns draw with Bryan Danielson and Austin Aries with time expired.
Cewsh: After the match the Age of the Fall show up and ruin everyone’s fun. They get run off. Maybe this will come up later?! Then Aries and Shelley kiss and make up in a heartwarming moment. Except not really. SEXUAL TENSION.
Segment 9 – The Haze and the Laze.
Cewsh: Daisey Haze cuts a promo about how nice Delirious is and how mean Titus is. Strong chimes in and hits on the Haze. She is unimpressed. Why are these two people in vignettes? The California Raisins had more charisma than these two.
Vice: Haze. Cameo by Strong. Whatever.
Segment 10 – Chris Hero w. Sara Del Ray and Larry Sweeney vs. Brent Albright
Vice: This is why I hate ROH. Albright just bores the shit out of me. Hero is great and his entrance is amazing. He really should be in better shape though. Oh well—he’s fine the way he is. I don’t like Hero losing.
19 out of 100
Cewsh: Brent Albright is awful. There, I said it. I know everybody heard about how great he was in OVW and about that great match he had with CM Punk that one time, but I’m sorry its true. He is not good. He has no personality, no moveset, a terrible look, no credibility, and a boring, awful feud as the replacement for Erick Stevens or something. Just bad, bad, bad. The good about this match? Chris Hero is entertaining (though overrated), and Larry Sweeney is a delight. And whoever that fan was who was wearing the Chris Hero shirt but lost his voice screaming at Sweeney is a very confused fellow. Average match, nothing special. I believe Vice played Solitaire, and I watched some Asian porn.
45 out of 100
Brent Albright over Chris Hero with a Half Nelson Suplex.
Cewsh: Pierce comes out post match for some brawling with Albright. It isn’t any more entertaining.
Segment 11 – Ruckus vs. Nigel McGuiness
Vice: Why the fuck is Ruckus getting a title shot? And why do the fans want him winning? I mean, I guess I like the idea that anyone can get a shot at the title even if they’re a wanker. I’m hoping he never gets another shot. Nigel dominated the match, which was good. I’m glad he didn’t take Nigel to the limit like ROH could have made him. But still. Ruckus.. title shot.. blah.
21 out of 100
Cewsh: A few points about this match:
- Ruckus earned this match by winning a battle royal at an earlier show. Which mean, yes, this is part of a comprehensive Ruckus PUSH.
- The crowd was actually into Ruckus here. Which says that the crowd were clearly mistaking Ruckus for someone worth cheering.
- Nigel basically no sells EVERYTHING. If Ruckus had shivved McGuiness, he still couldn’t have gotten McGuiness to sell for him.
- I have seen squash matches more competitive than this.
- Nigel is a meany face.
____ out of 100. It wasn’t even a match
Nigel McGuiness over Ruckus with a Leg Thing. I wasn’t paying attention.
Segment 12 – Naomichi Marufuji and Go Shiozaki vs. The Age of the Fall
Cewsh: I love Naomichi Marufuji.
There was a match too. It was alright. Marufuji is too good and too popular worldwide to be wasted so often on worthless matches where he jobs to people who shouldn’t even be carrying his bags and lacing his boots. Its insane that Jimmy Jacobs and Tyler Black, who have never sold out a high school gym, might win a match against Marufuji who just sold out a 12,000 person arena in Japan. Just fucking wrong. WRONG. This match was also like 4 hours long. Why this time couldn’t have been given to the Machine Guns vs. Danielson and Aries I have no idea.
76 out of 100
Vice: Took a while to get into it, but the finish was hot. Marufuji is amazing and Go is decent. Some people give him a good bit of loving, but I’ve never really seen why. I’ve never been impressed by him. I like Jacobs, but I can’t really take him seriously. Black has oodles of potential. Good finish. Good segment at the end with Aries and Shelley. And “emo cocksuckers”.
59 out of 100
Age of the Fall over Naomichi Marufuji and Go Shiosaki with a Phoenix Splash on Shiosaki.
Cewsh: Post match, Shelley attacks the Age of the Fall for no clear reason, and Aries comes out to help. Male bonding session!
Cewsh’s Final Score: 305 out of 800
Vice's Final Score: 272 out of 800
Well cats and kittens, that’s the end of this episode. We watched this show, and we enjoyed certain parts of it, but for the most part I feel like this show is indicative of what has been wrong with Ring of Honor for a year or two now. Inconstancy, spotty booking, and one or two angles dominating the entire show to nonchalance from the crowd. Ring of Honor is supposed to be best of the Indies, and certainly takes itself seriously in that role. But much like Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan, you can’t just live off of your legacy forever, and when the product starts to decline as terminally as it has, it either has to evolve or walk off into the sunset. Having heard that Gabe Sapolsky, head booker of Ring of Honor, has been let go from the company so this will be known as one of his last shows, I wish I could say that we shouldn’t have seen it coming, but yeah. This show was pretty miserable.
Note: A few months after this review, the booker of Ring of Honor Gabe Sapolsky parted terms with Ring of Honor, bringing the first era of the company to a close. Sapolsky had been the driving force behind the company since its inception in 2002 and we wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors.
If you are a Japanese male in the Pennsylvania area, please be advised. An unemployed hobo may show up at your door asking you to lariat people. Don't be alarmed, simply contact the local authorities.