Alright ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another BONUS edition of Cewsh Reviews…, and this time we’re reviewing a show, essentially just for the fun of it. Neither of us care anything about IWA:MS, and neither of us even knew who this Rollin’ Hard guy was. Debatably his own mother knew who he was, but I wouldn’t put my money on it. Anyway this is sort of an exhibition review, put together by boredom, free time, glue, and Popsicle sticks. Its magical, in a way.
Anyway, in case you weren’t aware, IWA:MS used to be one of the bigger independents, churning out talents such as CM Punk, Colt Cabana, and Jimmy Jacobs. They’re best known, probably, for the Ted Petty Invitational, which brings (in theory) the best independent workers in the nation together for a tournament to determine the finest. I myself reviewed this year’s invitational a few months ago in the General Wrestling forum (shameless plug), so I’m familiar with a few of these guys, but not all of them. The general talent in the indies has been declining steadily, and this promotion has been amongst the hardest hit in these lean times. Also, Ian Rotten books them, and does it poorly. Don’t believe me? Here comes the proof. Also I would like to make clear that, despite the fact that this is, in fact, a memorial show, the name Rollin’ Hard is uttered maybe 10 times all night, and only twice by the announcers. So since they didn’t make a big deal about respect for the dead, we won’t either.
Ready? Let’s get to it!
Cewsh: Yeah, that’s not the name of an actual title, but I figured it would at least make it look like there was a reason for this match. Apparently its for the number one contender ship for the IWA:MS title. Prestigious! Okay, here are some notes:
- The announcers don’t know the names of these 300 guys. I don’t blame them.
- Dingo is SO FUCKING BAD. His entire gimmick is that he’s Australian. So he says every phrase he can think of from Crocodile Dundee. It pains me.
- Within twelve seconds, there are only 5 people left. Why bother having a battle royal at all then?
- Ian Rotten (the booker) and Drake Younger (Ted Petty winner) are the final two. Greeeeeat.
- Apparently Dingo doesn’t like Jaysin Strife. They fight or something.
- Why the fuck was Sami Callihan eliminated so quickly? I’m STILL pissed that Younger won the Ted Petty invitational instead of him, when Callihan was the absolute star of that show.
- Fucking Christ these guys are terrible at wrestling. Ian Rotten wasn’t good when he was in his (heh) prime. And Younger. Ugh.
- Battle Royal: 12 seconds. Younger vs. Rotten: 10 minutes. Why wasn’t this just a singles match?
Thank glorious fuck this is over.
It wasn’t exactly the Royal Rumble, but those guys worked hard, gave it their all, and really moved me with their passion and dedication to the fundamentals of wrestling.
Wait, that’s not right.
This “match” sucked a dick.
3 out of 100
Vice: JESUS WHAT THE FUCK. Ok, there are 25 people in the ring to start things off. 75% are generic, skinny, white, retard looking kids. The others don’t even look like wrestlers. This was just fucking awful and painful to watch. Seriously. In like 2 minutes, it’s down to Ian Bloody (new name?) against Drake Younger, and yes, Younger certainly is younger. Ian, I believe, is the booker/owner of IWA:MS and he’s put himself in a number of main events, so it’s no surprise to see him go the distance here. So while it took 2 minutes for 23 eliminations, he and Drake Younger battle it out for what seems like 23 minutes. Ian sells nothing and generally looks fucking lethargic and awful. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him work well. Fancy that. AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL.
The best part of the match was people getting eliminated and the commentators not having any idea who they were. Good job, commentary team. Great job generic, skinny, white, retard looking kids.
Cewsh: Donnie Peppercricket is working an 80’s pop idol gimmick, apparently by wearing the an outfit stolen from Marty Jannetty. Steven Saint is exactly as generic as he sounds. These guys are literally worse at this than two people who walked in off the street would be. Like if I were to walk outside right now, and ask some bum standing outside of Walgreen’s to give me a moonsault and then try to suplex me, he would actually, 9 times out of 10, do a better looking version of those moves than these guys just did.
Oh, and did I mention that this match is literally 2 minutes long? It was a squash match. To put over PEPPERCRICKET.
Yes sir, I see big things more Mr. Cricket. Big things indeed. Fat guys who do 80’s gimmicks and wrestle poorly are like candy to wrestling fans everywhere. Also he looks like a fat Hispanic woman. Those are all of my thoughts on the issue. I can spare no more.
1 out of 100
Vice: This was short. And sucked. Peppercricket is one of those fattish guys that can’t really high fly, but still tries. I’m assuming he thinks that flying fat man = next big thing, so power to him for that. All of his shit looks awkward though. The match was like two and a half minutes long and thankfully didn’t feel any longer than that. It really sucked with all its sloppiness. No story either. Just suck, suck and more suck.
Cewsh: These guys are so short and scrawny that the referee is actually more intimidating than either of them are, and I keep expecting him to start throwing chokeslams around. In their defense, though, they can do high spots. So I guess there’s that. What’s that? It appears we’re getting a breaking news bulletin! It appears that there is almost nothing that Cewsh hates more than high spots for no reason. That’s definitely going to hurt his enjoyment of this match. Back to you, Vice.
Also, for the record, on the other show I reviewed, Jaysin Strife and Jason Hades had a cage match over the right to have the name “Jason”. However here, several months later, neither one has changed their name or gimmick at all. Good continuity there.
Anyway, this is probably going to be the match of the night, which is sad. Jason Hades is the only guy so far who looks like he’s actually wrestled a match before. So kudos to him for so far being the all star of this stalwart crew.
31 out of 100
Vice: Two more skinny generic retard looking fellows. Starts off in a typical wrestling fashion, chain wrestling and whatnot. Then they do some martial arts standoff nonsense which was kind of cool the first time I saw it years and years ago, but now it’s just lame. Low Ki and Amazing Red did shit like this and it was pretty awesome—it actually looked like Low Ki was trying to murder Red, and Red was fighting for his dear life. This is just crap. Like, one guy ducks for two seconds and THEN the other guy goes for the kick AND SOMEHOW MISSES. Shit. Didn’t see that coming.
Oh, and after a chain of this shit, there’s the pose-down at the end to get all 12 hillbillies in the audience to give off a thunderous golf clap like none I’ve ever heard before. Again, kinda cool over a decade ago. Not so much now. Oh yeah, and the ref looks like Shaq compared to these two. This match just comes off like two guys with decent training spending hours and hours trying to come up with a “cool” match and following that plan move for move. Hades’ finisher is pretty neat though. Starts off in a Pedigree position and then flips like a Canadian Destroyer into a lungblower/backstabber of sorts. That’s the first decent thing in this show.
Cewsh: Post match some chick comes out and talks for awhile. But since this is an indy show, I can’t understand a word she says over the terrible audio system. Apparently she doesn’t like Hades. They play the “I’m not touching you game” much to the delight of the 6 year old younger brothers in the audience, and then Dave Allen interferes and beats up Hades. Then he pulls out a garbage bag. Then Hades hits him and pins him. So apparently this was a match and Hades won. Five stars.
Cewsh: Pierre Abernathy’s gimmick is that he squeals. Seriously. Hayme’s gimmick is that he’s AJ Styles. Like seriously, I’m fairly certain that he stole his trunks from AJ Styles. Does Ian Rotten condone all of this thievery? That’s illegal you know. Speaking of illegal, it should be fucking illegal to put on a “show” like this one and then turn around and sell it to people for actual physical money.
These two wrestle for a long, long, almost indescribably long period of time, until the electrifying move of the evening is unveiled. The announcers lose their minds, and the crowd looks on in bored indifference as Pierre Abernathy unleashes the devastating, demoralizing, unstoppable….DICK FLICK. That’s right, he walked up to the guy in the tree of woe position, wound up, and flicked him in the dick. Like a paper football. That was seriously the highlight of this match. I guess there was a high spot finish too? I honestly can hardly be bothered at this point.
I will offer, for your contemplation, this question:
If this show is a tribute to Rollin’ Hard, and it’s the worst show I’ve ever seen, what does that say about Rollin’ Hard?
4 out of 100
Vice: So, we have a costumed up moron named Pierre Abernathy who squeals, and is very.. eccentric. But in the bad way. The really bad way. Chrisjen Hayme looks like he’s trying to be AJ Styles from around 2002, when it comes to his wardrobe and basic wrestling style. But don’t let him fool you—he will never be AJ Styles. Styles was a better wrestler than Chrisjen when he was a sperm of all things. That’s how he made it into the egg and was born. As the race started, he did a no hands plancha and knocked over the majority of the other sperm. Then wrestled the others down with brutal kicks with a hint of ninja. Then he stopped for some coffee and read the newspaper. Realizing there was one sperm still active and closing in on the egg, he threw his shit down and ran after the poor bastard. He made it to the egg first, but before going in he waited until the other sperm closed in.
As the other sperm thought AJ was going to lay down for him and grant him life, AJ gave the fucker a pele kick, and 9 months later he was a lil’ babeh boi. So, Chrisjen should hang his boots up or create a unique persona instead of trying to be someone he will never be. The match was a match. Nothing too fancy, a couple of botches, no real story, none of that. Pierre Abernathy has a move called the Dick Flick. The opponent is in the tree of woe, and he runs over, slows down as he gets close, and, you guessed it.. he flicks their dick. Like I said, he’s eccentric. But in the bad way.
Cewsh: Alright, Michael Elgin has an absolutely terrible look. He’s all fat, with practical no muscle to be seen anywhere, he wears a singlet hiked wayyy up, and for some reason wears kick pads, even though he never does any kicks. That said, though, he had a great little match with Riccochet at the Ted Petty Invitational, so I have moderate hopes for him here. CJ otis on the other hand doesn’t even look generic. He actually just looks like a douche. Long blond hair with brown roots, mismatched pads, white boots. He just looks like what Billy Gunn would look like if he thought Dunkin Donuts was a fitness facility.
This match isn’t terrible in and of itself. Elgin is more crisp and dynamic then you’d expect from him by his looks, and Otis isn’t ENTIRELY worthless. At the very least these guys prove that there are some people working for this promotion who actually perhaps went to a wrestling school and learned something about how to wrestle. Of course there’s no rhyme or reason to the moves that they’re doing, and Elgin wrestles like he’s a skinny Japanese guy instead of the fat fuck he truly is, but I’m so eager to be cheerful about a match on this card that I’m determined to pretend to enjoy this god dammit!
Also, this match apparently furthers a feud between Canadians and Michanganers. How do I know that? They update me on it more than Micheal fucking Cole. Please show me a universe where anyone gives a shit so I can hijack a nuclear missile, and trip the rift on my way to a rightful destiny.
33 out of 100
Vice: Went on way too long. Didn’t do anything wrooooooong, but it didn’t do anything right. I really don’t have much to say about this match other than blah. There was a little bit of story in here, so they at least tried.
Cewsh: Strife is apparently the biggest heel in IWA:MS. So yeah. There’s that. Arbo, on the other hand is from London, Onatrio.
Strife, by the way, displays that he is the only guy with any actual potential on this roster by heeling it up nicely, and actually giving me a show. It wasn’t nearly enough to save this match, but it was worth something. Also he looks like the Miz from far away, so I’m awarding bonus points for reminding me of a better wrestler in a better company.
15 out of 100
Vice: This was one of the most indy matches I’ve ever seen. Both guys looked like they came straight out of a wrestling school, put on some shiny shorts and kickpads, and had the only match their never-made-it-anywhere-indy trainer taught them how to do. They also ripped off a few trademark moves here and there and threw them in because they probably think it’s what makes wrestling matches good. But no, it isn’t. You have to know how and when to use moves to make them effective. Otherwise you’re just doing it, and it sucks. Fuck off, the two of you. Learn how to actually wrestle.
Cewsh: Okay, let me break this down:
- Ali IS Muhammed Hassan.
- Davis IS Jimmy Rave.
- Younger is a wigger deathmatch wrestler who now thinks he's "strong style" and is the face of the company.
- Sami Callihan is the up and comer who the fans love, but is made to look like the Jericho to Younger's Triple H.
That sums it up nicely I think.
This match is instantly, and nonsensically, changed to a tag match with Ali and Younger vs. Davis and Callihan. Apparently Davis made this match, even though he has no ability to do so. It doesn’t make any difference, though, since either way this match contains everyone interesting in the entire company.
Drake Younger and Sami Callihan are the two I’m going to focus on here. See, Calliahn is intense, unique, can work, and honestly has really fantastic fire and passion in his performances, which is nearly impossible to find in independent wrestling. He’s a really good, solid wrestler with a lot of personality, and the fans (such as they are) really seem interested in him.
Drake Younger, on the other hand, is the whitest guy you’ve ever seen, comes out to Jay Z, has never wrestled a watchable match that didn’t involve him falling through light fixtures, and yet somehow he’s become the face of this company, and by winning the 2008 Ted Petty Invitational, he joined guys like CM Punk and Low Ki as the top names on the independent scene.
Basically what I’m trying to say here is that the booking is absolutely incompetent. Callihan should be running this show. Instead, he’s Younger’s bitch. Disgraceful.
Davis and Ali are both solid performers, but even they know that they aren’t the story here. The story that IS here is a depressing one. Its like reading a book about a murder suicide, and at the end it turns out its your parents. Yeah. Just like that.
23 out of 100
Vice: Uninspiring indy spotfest. Not horrendously bad, but.. meh, meh, and more meh. Sami has lots of potential, and could be really solid if he hammers a few things out and gets some more experience under his belt. Trik Davis hasn’t changed since like 200..3? Hasn’t evolved at all. It’s the problem with indy wrestlers these days. They learn from indy wrestlers that never made it anywhere and was probably not a good worker to begin with, and they all wrestle other indy guys trained by the same trainer or at least the same type of trainer. Where are they supposed to learn how to actually WORK? They think they’re having great matches because the crowd is all like OMG HIGH SPOT THIS IS AWESOME, so they don’t improve. They just wrestle the same shit over and over again.
That’s why I’m thankful when actual good workers that made it big open up schools when they retire. Even if they were never the best worker, like Lance Storm for instance, they still know plenty about the business and working matches that the students can evolve and become something more. It’s sad watching some of these indy shows because no one is really better than anyone else. Everything is the same. The only difference is small guys doing flashier moves and bigger guys doing more powerful moves. But even then, everything gets blurred because the fat guys try to high fly and the skinny guys try to wrestle strong style matches. They’re doing it because they want to stand out among all the other generic idiots. Here’s an idea of how to stand out: LEARN TO WRESTLE.
Segment 8 – Four Corner Tag Match. Four Fuck’s Sake - Brooks and Hybrid vs. The Best Around vs. Scars and Stripes vs. Bloody Brothers
Cewsh: Don’t look for nicknames on that one. Clearly someone beat me to it with their team names.
Since this match is going to be a disgusting clusterfuck, I offer this poem to 2 Tuff Tony in place of a review:
Well You Came And You Gave Without Taking,
But I Pushed You Away,
When You Held Me It Stopped Me From Shaking,
And I Need You Today,
Oh Tuff Tony.
0.85 out of 100
Vice: I found myself in an awful position here. From all the Diet Pepsi I was drinking, I needed to take a horrible piss. As the match started, I realized I really needed a cigarette. I looked over, and had none. So.. full bladder, no tobacco, and one of the worst matches I’ve ever had to sit through. It was that bad. There are some matches that are painful to watch, but are only like 5-6 minutes long. There are others that are terrible but are so bad it’s funny. There are some that are dreadful, but produce some amazing GIFs/YouTube videos. Nothing from this match was good and it was almost 25 minutes long. I think I’d actually kill myself trying to do a play by play of this. This match literally made my head hurt.
Cewsh: After the match, one of the Bloody Brothers announces his retirement. At least I think he did. The echo of the terrible sound system is so bad, he may very well have been ordering a Double Whooper with no pickles. Actually, looking at him, make that a TRIPLE Whopper, with extra pickles. And curly fries. And a chocolate shake. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE OUT OF CHOCOLATE?!
Vice: I think Ian [Rotten] Bloody retired. I really can’t tell though. Rock Band microphone + $7 speaker + gymnasium = worse quality than Neil Armstrong’s “one small step for man..” transmission from the MOON in 1969. Or from a cleverly crafted set of the moon if you’re a conspiracy theorist. There was recorded footage of them faking that famous picture of the moon from space using a piece of cardboard over the window, ya know. Regardless, I had no idea what was happening. In a gym with 14 quiet fans at ringside, you don’t need a microphone. Seriously.
Cewsh: God I loathe Egotistico Fantastico (hereafter referred to as “Ego Fan” for brevity). He’s a scrawny white boy pretending to be a luchador, he has a new random accessory every match that doesn’t have anything to do with anything, his music is grating and has nothing to do with anything either, and he’s absolute dead weight in the ring. Dingo, on the other hand, is saddled with a godawful gimmick and some kind of concept of himself as a “double hard bastard” type of wrestler. But at least he isn’t wearing a floppy mask over his pimply face.
Allegedly Ego Fan had a WWE developmental contract for over a year. If this is true, then its time to close the doors to Titan Towers, time to pack up the rings, send all of the wrestler’s to TNA and give up, because whoever in is charge there is clearly no longer capable of making any sort of reasonable, rational decisions. Close it down, Vince. The era is over. Because if the biggest company in the wrestling universe considers Ego Fan worthy of their time, then they might very well push a one legged man. I mean do a necrophilia angle. I mean let a celebrity wrestle. I mean…hmm. I’ve lost my point.
Oh right. EGO FAN FUCKING SUCKS.
I assume that guys like Ego Fan scour the internet message boards searching for mentions of themselves so that they can feel better about wrestling in front of 54 people every night, and so that they can feel like there is a future to look forward to. If Ego Fan is reading this, perchance, right now, I want him to be absolutely certain to understand me, so I’ll so this very slowly.
Also, there was a match here. It didn’t distract me from my rant, so I don’t think anything interesting happened.
28 out of 100
Vice: I’m pretty sure Cewsh is going to rip this to shreds, but I actually thought it was pretty solid. Nothing great, but it certainly wasn’t bad. Though to be fair, even a Goldberg/Kane 60 minute iron man match would probably be a five star match compared to the previous monstrosity. Compared to a lot of other matches on the show, this was pretty watchable.
Cewsh: Post match, Drake Younger wants a title match. Dingo wants to do it here and now. Younger doesn’t. Not that that makes any sense, since Younger’s character is a dick, and he just had a chance to wrestle the beat up champ for the title. Can’t even do that right.
Cewsh: The pain! Oh sweet Jesus, the terrible, merciless pain!
Cewsh's Final Score: 17.8 out of 100.
Vice: I know it’s an indy show, but it was far too indy. I don’t think there was any story in any match. Well, there was a little in the Otis/Elgin match with Otis hurting Elgin’s neck so he couldn’t hold the pin for his northern lights suplex. But outside of that, it was like watching computer against computer in a wrestling video game. It was all awkward and spotty, and nothing flowed or tied together. It was just a mess. It was borderline embarrassing. I actually could count how many fans were in the crowd. It started off at 54. Yes, 54. By main event time there were 41 left. I’m aware that this was a tribute show that could have possibly been put together at the last second, but.. surely they could have done better. He’s ROLLIN’ in his gra—too soon?
Well boys and girls, we’ve come to the end of yet another stirring installment of Cewsh Reviews…We hope you enjoyed yourselves and had a nice chuckle at our pain and discomfort for this “show”, and we hope you will all honor the memory of the late Rollin’ in your own way. Personally, I plan to vow to burn any copy of this DVD which comes with 63 miles of me. I’ll know too. Oh yes, I’ll know. Anyway, keep an eye out for our next review, of TNA’s Against All Odds PPV, coming to a Rajah near you this Tuesday! Peace out, and be safe!
Ah, and rest in peace to the Master of the Fire Fist, Rollin’ Hard.