TNA Slammiversary VIII.

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA SLAMMIVERSARY VIII

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only review blog that turns pink when you enter the Konami Code, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you all tonight, as we put on our fancy penguin suits and prepare to herald the eight anniversary of Total Nonstop Action. The red carpet has been rolled out, the lights are on bright, and I’m typing this on a golden keyboard with diamond keys. That shit’s fancy. Now over the past eight years, TNA has given us many things. Great matches, memorable rivalries, terrific memories, and all the unintentional humor that we can stuff in a sack. So here, tonight, we’ll take the time to look back on the old days as we march through this years offering. It’s a chance to treasure those memories that we’ll never forget. Like the time that Monty Brown called Samoa Joe a “Hippophant” (half hippo, half elephant) and that time where Rhino had a good match.

But that’s the past, and this year TNA is moving into the future, so we will not neglect the current goings on in the fast paced world of TNA. Will Rob Van Dam be able to withstand Sting’s wrath? Is Mr. Anderson’s loyalty to Jeff Hardy a ploy by the world’s biggest asshole? And what the hell is Dixie Carter’s big announcement all about? All this and partial nudity are right ahead of you. And there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

Dear John Cena

Hello there, boys and girls, and welcome to yet another Sunday Supplement to brighten up your dreary Sunday nights.  We here at Cewsh Reviews are aware that it's the only night of the weekend that you can't drink yourself into a pleasant stupor, and we sympathize, and are here to entertain you throughout your regrettably sober hours.

This week i'm going to tackle a somewhat different strategy with our Supplements, and instead of making a top 10 list or writing a hard hitting article on discrimination in wrestling, i'm instead going to reach out to a member of the wrestling community who I think could well and truly use my help.  Though he has achieved some success thus far, this individual still may have a long road ahead of him, and through this open letter, I can let him know the thoughts of myself and others, and perhaps help him understand how he could change and improve his craft from here forward.  If nothing else, it will help to ease my conscience that I know that I tried.

Dear John Cena,

To Be Continued »

WWE Over The Limit 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents….

WWE OVER THE LIMIT 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the live event attendingest (according to me) review blog in the galaxy, Cewsh Reviews! We’ve got a special treat for you tonight as we rev our engines, throw the gear into drive, and try not to stall out because we never learned how to drive stick and get off on our way to WWE’s Over The Limit 2010! Now I know there’s some controversy because the name of this PPV is very close to the one Owen Hart died at approximately 10 years ago, but we’re going to try not to dwell on that, and if anything, enjoy the show in his honor. And hell, if the show is terrible, we can call it one final practical joke by the King of Ribbers (not rubbers).

But all of the unpleasantness aside, tonight we’re going to see the end of some feuds (Punk/Mysterio, Cena/Batista) and the flowering of some new ones (Edge/Orton, Dibiase/Truth). And along the way, we might even cement some new stars at the top of the food chain (Swagger, Hart Dynasty). So come along with us on the ride, and don’t forget to buckle up. When Vince McMahon is behind the wheel, god knows what is in store.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

TNA Sacrifice 2010

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Sacrifice 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only bunch of manly men (and women) classy enough to wear gowns to the Monster’s Ball, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you, as we review the pay per view that is all about Sacrifice. The sacrifices you need to make in order to make it in the wrestling business. The sacrifices you need to make to be the best at your chosen craft. The sacrifices you and your family endure as you strive towards perfection every day of your life. Ultimately, all you can hope for is that once you realize your goals and pass the finish line, all that will matter is the satisfaction of knowing that your sacrifices were worthwhile.

Of course, whether or not sacrificing our brain cells on the alter of TNA’s booking will prove worthwhile remains to be seen. But, as always, there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

NJPW Super J Tag Tournament 2010

New Japan Professional Wrestling Proudly Presents...

NJPW Super J Tag Tournament 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of the ever late, ever magnificent Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we head over to visit our friends in the land of the rising sun once again, and review NJPW’s Super J Tag Tournament 2010. A show full of nothing but tag matches between small flippy guys is not exactly what you may expect from a team containing a guy who is a self confessed hater of tag team wrestling and flippy spotfests, but we yearn to please here at Cewsh Reviews and we realized that this sort of wrestling had really been brutally underrepresented by us thus far in our reign of terror, so now with the Super Juniors flourishing in Japan again, the fact of the matter is that enough is enough and it is time for a change. Of course, as you may be aware, Japanese wrestling is not our specialty here at Cewsh Reviews. We have some knowledge of it, and in some areas quite a lot, but when it comes to something like this you’re going to need more firepower than that. It’s like microwaving a potato. Just pressing buttons that seem familiar isn’t going to get the job done.

Luckily for us, on the Cewsh Reviews microwave we just have to hit Defrost.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

WWE Extreme Rules 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Extreme Rules 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Extremeist macaroni and cheese review on these fine internets, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you, as WWE takes their yearly trip down the highway of the extreme, and this year everyone is getting their gimmick match boots on to blow off feuds from Wrestlemania. In effect, this is Backlash, except more EXTREME, which I assume means that they drink more Mountain Dew and skateboard without the use of a helmet. Hardcore. Anyway, tonight is the night for some serious blow offs to the feuds that propelled Wrestlemania to such great heights. Cena and Batista are going to see who can be the slowest to stand up, Edge and Jericho are going to play inside of a very inefficient sandbox together, and CM Punk and Rey Mysterio are going to fight over Rey’s desire to be a beauty school dropout (beauty school dropouuuuut). All this and more as, for one night, World Wrestling Entertainment takes them both, because they’re hardcore.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

The 6 Best (Worst) Wrestler Side Projects

What better time than now to roll this one out?

In the wake of rumors that Mickie James and Maria Kanellis were released due to their desire to pursue their music outside of WWE, and in the wake of today's rumors that Batista may not even be a WWE employee by the end of tonight due to his wish to pursue his acting career, what better time to take a look back at other times that members of the distinguished brotherhood of professional wrestling dabbled in other forms of media?  After all, wrestlers in music, movies, and television are a proud and well established tradition dating back to the earliest days of spandex, and some performers have even managed to cross over from one to the others.  So it is these proud, brave people that we salute today, for their ups, their downs, and the amusement value that will never cease rewarding us.  Amusement like...

To Be Continued »

The Top 10 Wrestling Moves Of All Time.

Admit it.  You missed us.

Welcome cats and kittens to the end of our vacation, and the first Sunday Supplement of the new wrestling year.  We got tans, kicked back, and got banned from more tropical countries than the Chupacabra, and now we're back and ready for some action.  Well, I am at least.  You won't see Vice back until we post our review of TNA's Lockdown 2010 on Wednesday, and Ms. Cewsh doesn't grace us with her presence until our review of WWE Extreme Rules the Wednesday after that, but hey, it's a start.

Anyway, we're here today to talk about wrestling moves.  Fucking rad wrestling moves.  Moves with flips, moves that hurt and moves that are so face blistering radtacular that even reading this supplement might give you a sunburn that will be embarrassing to explain to your coworkers.  Are you sure you're ready to see the 10 greatest moves in wrestling history (or just my ten favorite)?  Well ready or not, grab some sunscreen, because off we go!

To Be Continued »

TNA Lockdown 2010

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Lockdown 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to the wrestling review that, despite all it’s rage, continues to still be just rats in cages, Cewsh Reviews. We have a special treat for you tonight, and we begin part one of our two part April = Gimmick matches run here, first with tonight’s TNA Lockdown 2010 review, and next week with WWE’s Extreme Rules 2010 show, because according to Hobo Jim, who hoards bread crust in a bucket behind the grocery store, if anyone bleeds in a month other than April, they will be given a evil ham by the Devil. So, I guess that’s to be avoided then.

Anyway, this is TNA’s unofficial second biggest show of the year, and is generally the night when they shine the brightest. Every match on this show will be contested inside of a steel cage, in various ways, and, as such, this is TNA’s most violent, and most barbaric show every year, as Lockdown is where the biggest feuds get settled amidst the steel. D’Angelo Dinero gets his chance to ascend to the main event as he faces the World Champion, AJ Styles. Ken Anderson and Kurt Angle blow off the feud that has been setting TNA on fire for months now. Team Flair and Team Hogan get Lethally Locked Down to settle their grudges once and for all. This is a night of excitement and potential. Can TNA back it up? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »

Shimmer: Volume 29

Shimmer: Women Athletes Proudly Presents…
 

SHIMMER: VOLUME 29

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the stylishly feminized Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we take a detour from our usual surroundings of Divas and Knockouts and set out in pursuit of some Women Athletes. Our search has led us back to the doorstep of the almighty Shimmer, home of female wrestlers in the purest form of the word, and hopefully Allison Danger and Dave Prazak’s girls can sufficiently buffer us from the sadness and woe of mainstream women’s wrestling today. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Tonight we will see a cheerleader go goth to fight some ninjas, a Japanese woman who worships Hello Kitty wrestle Rob Van Dam’s weed smoking soul mate, and more Australian accents than you can shake one of those sticks that makes that warbly noise at. What are they called? Didgeridoos? Yeah, those.

Unfortunately, as a proud bearer of a set of genitals you can see from space on clear days (big hit with the lady astronauts, believe it), I’m not the right choice to host these festivities. But wouldn’t you know it, we do have a gender appropriate member of the ol’ team here, and I’m not talking about the time that Vice dressed up like a Burmese hooker to get out of that traffic ticket. So Ms. Cewsh? It’s your show from here. Fire it up!


Ms. Cewsh: So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

To Be Continued »