Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only wrestling review blog with a pet dinosaur, no matter what those assholes at Tyrannosaurus Flex say, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we investigate the second to last stop on the road the Bound For Glory, TNA’s Hardcore Justice 2011! Whereas the second to last stop on the road to Wrestlemania is the much anticipated Royal Rumble, here TNA takes a different approach by instead giving us a show where, grammatically at least, the justice exacted will be entirely hardcore in nature. So if you like your just hard with a well defined core (who doesn’t) then this is most certainly the show for you. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, after all, we have several titles on the line, some stable in fighting, and some other people wrestling for reasons and purposes. REASONS AND PURPOSES I SAY. What more could you want?
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: Hey, were you aware that Sting is a spooky clown now who runs around laughing all the time and playing elaborate pranks on people? Because this video would like you to be extremely sure of that fact, mostly by repeatedly repeating a little ditty that Sting sang called “Eye of the Stinger” over and over again. Kurt Angle, on the other hand, seems to be treating this exactly like a normal feud with a normal guy. Its actually pretty amusing to see Sting prancing about, posing on top of lockers, organizing a clown army while Kurt stands in the ring calmly saying “Sting, I respect you.”
At any rate, that appears to be the selling point for tonight’s PPV as no other match is mentioned. Angle has to win the title because he likes goldy thingies. Sting has to win the belt to keep the last vestige of power in the company that Hogan and Bischoff don’t already possess away from them. Frankly, Angle sort of seems like a dick for trying to win this match, but hey, he’s Kurt Angle.
Cewsh: The story behind this match stretches back to Austin Aries’ PPV redebut last month at Destination X. He won himself a guaranteed contract in TNA and immediately began gunning for Brian Kendrick and the X Division title. However Alex Shelley had earned himself the first shot fair and square, and when he got his title shot, Aries got himself involved and fucked it up for everyone. Now they’re caught up in this triple threat match to make everyone happy, but for Aries its more like a handicap match against the two people he’s pissed off the most in the past month. Good luck, Austin.
Okay, now with the background to this match fleshed out, let’s go ahead and cover something else of vital importance. What the fuck is going on with Brian Kendrick? See, his entire gimmick is set around being unqiue, odd, and different, as such he had semi-normal attire and came out to some enthusiastic but quite one of a kind violin playing. It was quirky and very much him, while still having the up tempo quality that makes a good wrestling theme. That was good times, right?
Tonight he comes out like this:
That is the most bizarrely uncool and down tempo wrestling theme in the history of time, space and Rico Constantino. It sounds like the kind of music you would hear in the elevator on your way up to the world’s most boring falafel shop. Add that to his new attire which features some flowly capris (which actually do make him look like less of a 12 year old boy) with a rather large napkin tucked carefully into the brim. This probably has some kind of cross cultural significance, and if so fair enough. Why the whitest white boy ever to white out some white bread would be doing that is a bit of a mystery in any case. But hey, QUIRKY.
These guys go ahead and have themselves a fine match, with Alex Shelley and Brian Kendrick teaming up to eliminate Austin Aries from the equation whenever possible, and Aries acting like the world biggest dickpaste whenever he can get a move in edgewise. Ultimately, Shelley and Kendrick abandon this and in the end its Kendrick pinning Shelley for the win, which I assume will lead to Aries saying “hey, he never beat me” and the train will keep rolling on and on.
Works for me.
P.S. Mike Tenay and Tazz are once again our intrepid announce team, continuing their reign atop the world as the single worst announce team of any kind that has ever existed.
77 out of 100.
Vice: I'm going to be mixing things up for this review. Mostly because this show was such a 180 from TNA's last PPV that my mind is beyond boggled. But hey, it's back to business as usual once the X-division goes back to being the backbone of quality instead of the driving force. So basically, I'm just going to be listing the pros and cons of the matches, and at the end I will be providing a YouTube video to watch-- something to either watch instead of the match, or to watch in addition to the match. I've tried justifying why each video goes with each match to an extent, but what it really comes down to is FUCK YOU. It doesn't matter why the video is that video. I post a video, you watch the video. That's how this reviewing goes.
- Austin Aries is god.
- Hot finish.
- Great way to kick off show.
- It's all downhill from here.
This 10 second clip is just pure magic, and it's nice and short enough that you can go out and find the match to download, and watch it for yourself with all that energy you still have.
Cewsh: Ric Flair.
A natural fit.
Backstage Miss Tessmacher and Tara are getting ready for their Knockouts Tag Team title defense, and Miss Tessmacher has some words to say. First she admits to intentionally maiming Sarita and is proud of it, then Tara claims that they are real champions and that she would like to fight a puppet. Then she stops mid sentence and they wander off. Which, really, is just fine by me.
Cewsh: The gist of this epic storyline is that Sarita and Rosita had the titles, Tessmacher and Tara won the titles and now Sarita and Rosita would really like the titles back. Everybody still with me after that kind of incredible complexity? Okay, good.
The bigger story here than the match itself is that all of the participants here are goddamn RIDICULOUS. First out are Rosita and Sarita, who are already saddled with the totally insane Mexican America gimmick that makes zero sense and appears to be comprised of whatever Hispanic people were milling around the catering table when the booking team got the idea. That’s bad enough. But now, thanks to a scary incident in Mexico where Sarita nearly had a complete stroke, part of Sarita’s face is (temporarily) paralyzed. Rather than stay home and actually heal up from this debilitating injury, she has instead donned a flashy facemask that makes her look like the world’s most flamboyant clown bank robber.
Rosita, for her part, continues to look like a woman who lost a bet and had to become a professional wrestler as a result.
Then out come our proud champions, on their one motorcycle that they drive 10 feet and then get off of.
Now Miss Tessmacher is an amazingly, amazingly attractive woman. Distractingly so. And in all honesty she appears to be working very hard to dispel the image of a pretty face who has no business wrestling. I want to give her credit. I’m dying to give her the chance she’s working for. But her tag team partner is a 145 year old woman who insists on being called “Power Hot” and wears less clothes than Miss Tessmacher. As a result, this team seems terribly, awfully thrown together and generally just awful altogether.
Also, can we start calling her Brooke Tessmacher or something?
The match, such as it was, began with Hernandez and Aristotle being banned from ringside, and with Miss Tessmacher firing up on the two heels admirably. In fact, every single second of this match features Miss Tessmacher trying her ass off like she thinks she’s in a match that has a hope of actually turning out to be good. As a result the segments with her and Sarita together are actually quite good. I’ll get behind any face who shows some fire and Sarita is a capable heel. And then of course the majority of the match is spent with Tara and Rosita making a case for their careers to be classified as war crimes. This continues until Tara hits the Widow’s Peak (since she’s the only woman in the match who actually has a finishing move) and Dat Associates continue to stand on top of the heap as the top female tag team in North America, and perhaps the world.
Meanwhile Portia Perez and Nicole Matthews can’t even get work as jobbers. This world of ours.
57 out of 100.
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Ms. Tessmacher's butt
- Pretty much everything that does not have to do with Ms. Tessmacher's butt.
This match may as well have been a commercial break. And if you're going to watch commercials, you may as well watch this batch of glorious Old Spice commercials featuring Terry Crews. I've been using Old Spice for nearly a decade and had no plans to switch, but their commercials over the past year or so have cemented my love for their products. Also, this may or may not be product placement.
Cewsh: Feel free to pay us, Old Spice.
Cewsh: Me too, Pope. Me too.
Cewsh: Okay, now here’s something to sink your teeth into. Now if you’ve been watching Impact recently and taking things at face value, you may have noticed that recently Pope has been getting friendly with Devon’s kids (last seen get pulverized into mush by Bully Ray in the most emotional match of the year). You may also have seen Devon being totally not okay with this and rebuffing Pope’s every attempt to make nice with him. On the surface this may simply be a face not trusting a newly turned face after the heelish actions he’s committed recently. But like many of the best storylines, there’s something much bigger and deeper lurking beneath the surface. See, I don’t claim to be any true archiver of the African American sensibility and community structure. Its not my place. But what has been clear over the past several years is a disconnect between younger men idolizing rappers and the like, and a very strong contingent of African American parents that are just not okay with this at all, wanting more than that for their children. It’s a serious social and cultural issue, and whether intentionally or not, TNA has stumbled right into it here, as Dinero represents clearly the kind of street hustler that is so attractive to young men, and who fathers like Devon are desperate to keep their sons away from. This is made even more complex by Dinero’s desperate wish to be a good role model and to make good with Devon, as Devon feels like he must rebuff and mistrust Dinero at every turn, lest he lose his sons. He’s fighting a war for his son’s future that Dinero doesn’t understand, and that his kids can’t help but resent. All of this results in a big ol’ gumbo of resentfulness and emotions, with Dinero desperate to make things right, and Devon desperate to resist accepting it.
In other words, shit is DEEP.
Both men come out to start, and Dinero makes very clear right off the bat that all he wants to do is help out Devon to improve their relationship, so he lays down in the middle of the ring to let Devon win the points. Devon wants no part of that bullshit, though, and slaps the shit out of Dinero, demanding he stand up and face him like a man. When Dinero finally goes along and fights back, we get ourselves a fast paced and intense match, with Dinero’s youth and athleticism pitted against Devon’s experience and power. Ultimately, Dinero gets the jump on Devon and rolls him up clean for the victory. Afterwards Devon seems torn between respect for Dinero and contempt, and he contemplates a handshake while his kids cheer him on.
He tells Dinero to go fuck himself before looking at his kids and see their disappointed and let down faces. Finally he turns back and shakes Dinero’s hands, to show that even though he doesn’t trust the man, he can respect him, and maybe, just maybe, Dinero might not be the worst role model after all.
As a match this was fun, but short. As a storyline, this is probably the best thing that nobody is talking about going on anywhere in wrestling, as these two men grapple, however unknowingly, for the soul of Devon’s kids. This marks the second time in one year that Devon has carried a truly deep and emotional feud as a babyface that blows away anything else that TNA has to offer, leading me to honestly wonder what in the hell took everyone so long in giving him this opportunity. For all the praise that Bully Ray is (rightfully) getting, don’t let his ex partner get lost in the shuffle. Nobody is bringing emotion into his wrestling half as well as Devon right now.
76 out of 100.
- Fairly good storyline advancement.
- Enjoyable post-match handshake.
- Pope on PPV.
- Match was quite boring.
Simply put, Rogan vs. THE ICE is a far more entertaining affair. And only being like a minute and a half long, it saves you quite a bit of time.
Cewsh: Rumors that it came free with the purchase of a garbage bag full of weed remain unconfirmed.
Anyhow, Robbie V is backstage talking about his upcoming Bound For Glory Series match against the undefeated Crimson. He’s confident that he’ll be the first one to topple the ginger giant and is just about done saying so when Jerry Lynn randomly shows up out of nowhere and informs his ex-nemesis that he’ll be in the Van Dam corner for the match. Rob goes along with it because, hey, he’s a pretty laid back guy, and they leave together. Hmm, I wonder what Lynn’s intentions could be…
Cewsh: Oh match, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways.
1. Mickie James is in it.
Actually, yeah, that pretty much says it.
Here’s the thing. This match is essentially about a woman with magical powers and her brainwashed sex slave attempting to win a championship from a pseudo lesbian cowgirl. The opportunities for this to turn into some kind of odd, gimmicky porn would seem to be high, except that we’re supposed to be taking this seriously, which I find it absolutely impossible to do. The match is comprised heavily of Mickie James beating the everloving fuck out of a woman with MAGICAL POWERS, with most of the moves involved involving planting Winter’s face directly into her vag, which sounds awesome but really isn’t. Then Angelina sneaks in and hits Mickie with her finisher, the mysteriously titled “Break Up, Bitch”. Winter goes for the pin but NO, Mickie won’t let us off the hook that easily. Mickie beats them both up, and goes to take advantage of this when suddenly Winter pops up and spits what is either some chewed up food or the single lamest example of red mist in wrestling history into Mickie’s face.
Somehow this results in Mickie not only falling down, but staying down for the three count, because apparently being blind also turns you into a fucking turtle unable to get off of your back. Winter and Angelina celebrate their title win as the announcers speculate that what was spit into Mickie’s face is obviously something that burns horribly and is totally incapacitating, which is odd since Winter had it IN HER FUCKING MOUTH. But then again, magic, you know? Why not.
I’ve said in prior months they seem to being trying to top themselves month after month in a daring attempt to make me combust with rage. At this rate, if I live out the year it will be something to write a holy text about.
49 out of 100.
- Winter, ironically, is extremely hot.
- Winter has awesome entrance music.
- Winter wins the title.
- Mickie James is unbelievably horrible.
- We're practically guaranteed to see Mickie go after, and win, the title again.
- Mickie James.
Pop that on, go throw something in the microwave, smoke a cigarette, poop, whatever.
Cewsh: First of all, allow me to point out that despite the fact that Mickie James was just blinded and is writhing in horrible pain inside of the ring while screaming, they don’t bother to dwell on this for more than 0.15 seconds before sending to the back and never mentioning it again for the rest of the show. Heartless bastards.
Secondly, for anyone who ever wondered whether of not TNA had a drug testing policy, I fucking dare you to watch this video and not come to the conclusion that Brian Kendrick is high in it. I seriously dare you.
Also, Austin Aries is awesome.
Cewsh: Before we get to the match, let’s take a look at those BFG Series Standings.
Okay, so Crimson is number one and Van Dam is number two. Remember that the top four people in the series all get entered into a fatal fourway match to determine the man who gets the title shot in the main event of Bound for Glory. Which is cool, even though they should go ahead and call it the Bound for Crimson Series, because this whole thing was never anything but a vehicle to get him over, but I digress.
The thing about Rob Van Dam is that given the right opponent, he can be tremendously entertaining. He’s still walking Gumby and especially against bigger, stronger guys, he still has the speed and flexibility to be a great underdog. Crimson, for his part, is coming along as a wrestling, but his skill set is ideal to toss Van Dam around a bit and then take all of Van Dam’s signature offense. So this is a fun little match that trucks right along until RVD walks right into the Red Sky, which nobody has yet come close to kicking out of. The ref counts 1…2…and suddenly Jerry Lynn bursts into the ring and nails Crimson. This stops Crimson from winning and gaining 7 BFG Series points, but, naturally, it also costs Van Dam a whopping 10 points for being disqualified. A totally baffled Rob demands to know why the fuck Lynn did that while Lynn vehemently states that he had no idea and wouldn’t have otherwise.
So what we have is a storyline disqualification to start something between Van Dam and Lynn. That sounds good, but it really hurt the ending of this match in the confusion. Which is a shame, because until that moment, it was a really positive match for both men. Oh well.
73 out of 100.
- Crimson is neat.
- RVD wasn't awful.
- Jerry Lynn's involvement leading to a stupid finish.
When you think of Crimson, you should think of a monster. Well, I don't, but that doesn't mean you can't watch an Alien trailer and have your jaw drop at how fucking brilliant it all is.
Cewsh: I’ll be honest with you. These Anderson promos are all starting to run together. Goofy voices, unrelated stories, the word “asshole”, lots of random profanity, uncomfortable touching of Jeremy Borash, and a totally nonsensical ending that fails to wrap up anything else he said.
But on the plus side, he made farting sounds this time.
Cewsh: I cannot relate fully in words what a waste of everyone in this match this was.
This never ending feud continued here with its very most uninspired entry. I’m not sure this feud will EVER end so long as there are exactly 2 main event factions in TNA. But, as you may have come to expect, AJ Styles spent this entire match raising himself above the humdrum circumstances he was handed. When this guy finally retires, he doesn’t need a watch, he needs a plaque commemorating his sacrifice in working here.
68 out of 100.
- All of Fortune, especially with awesome matching attire.
- Steiner, Gunner.
- Fairly good match, all things considered.
- Could have been a hell of a lot better.
Great video, great song. Everyone should watch and love it.
This match starts hopefully, as Ray sneaks up behind Anderson during his entrance, and Anderson, without missing a beat, stops mid sentence to say “I know he’s behind me” and proceeds to spin around and punch Bully Ray 700,000 times. Then they actually get in the ring, and this match just sort of…drifts. Ray does his usual great heel routine and get the crowd fired up against him, and he’s on point with everything he does, but trouble shows up when you realize that Anderson is not actually a face. He’s a heel, and the fans don’t want to cheer him because he isn’t sympathetic. So Anderson tries to toe the line between underdog babyface and cocky heel and winds up somewhere in the limbo in between. Add that to the fact that Anderson just does not seem on his game at all, at one point straight up dropping Ray right on his head after being unable to successfully complete his Rolling Samoan Drop.
They brawl some more and brawl some more and more some brawl until the end of the match comes and then its over.
Generally, there’s a reason why heel vs. heel matches don’t happen. This match is the reason. Not only is it just really not possible to get the right kind of reaction (which is, I guess, is them both being booed hugely at the same time), but it does wrestlers who may need a little protecting no favors as they have to work twice as hard to get a reaction. TNA ignored tradition here, and get exactly what they deserve for doing so.
69 out of 100.
- "Yeah, I know he's behind me.....*BLAP SWISH ZOOP KAPLOW*.. ANDERSON!"
- Bully Ray continues being amazing.
- Amusing finish.
- Anderson has become rather underwhelming.
- Crowd didn't give a fuck.
Because why the fuck not. It's just good bullying.
Cewsh: Oh goody. We get this now.
To start things off, the entirety of Mexican America comes to the ring, and Achy Breaky gets on the microphone and proceeds to cut a promo while looking and sounding EXACTLY like a roided up Chavo Guerrero with tattoos. The resemblance is so striking that it manages to draw the eye away from the baffling horror of Sarita’s face mask/inefficient jock strap.
Then Beer Money shows up and the match starts and…
No. You know what? No.
This match fucking sucked. It wasn’t Beer Money’s fault, since they’re up against a guy who needs carrying more than Yoda in the Empire Strikes Back and another guy who I’m not sure even actually is a wrestler and not the guy who brought the food to the catering table during the aforementioned talent recruiting. It sucked, and it was dull, and it ended, and then on Impact Mexican America win the fucking tag team titles. Look, TNA. I understand that you may want to break up Beer Money. Go for it. I understand that you want to push a new tag team. I’m hugely in support of that. You may even want to push a fresh new stable full of racism and sunglasses. Fair enough. But Mexican America are not over. Nobody cares about them. Not one single thing they have ever done has been met with the slightest bit of interest by their fanbase, which are a group of people who cheer the RING ANNOUNCERS in this promotion. Despite this, they are now tag team champions. Meaning that, of the various champions in this company, exactly two (Sting and Brian Kendrick) actually get a significant response from the crowd while a whopping three (Dat Associates, Winter, Mexican America) get none whatsoever and were all jobbers before their improbable title runs. What this reveals about TNA’s booking philosophy is both simple and terrifying.
They don’t fucking care.
They book these things out long in advance and don’t bother to deviate from a path when something isn’t getting over and simply isn’t working. They just keep plugging away with it until it comes to the end of their pre-existing storyline, at which point the people involved are shelved until a new idea shows up, also unconnected to reality.
It’s working out just great for them thus far. Why change, right?
50 out of 100.
- Beer Money retains.
- Anarquia didn't injure anybody from what I could see.
- Mexican America.
- Pretty much everything other than Beer Money.
One of the funniest scenes in any movie for me. Cato is a phenomenal character and the scene is just so well scripted in an absurd way. Love it. No need to watch the match. Watch this.
- It's always good to see Angle actually have a match.
- Some cool psychology, reversals and counters.
- Kurt Angle wins the gold.
- In the past few weeks, Sting has shown more personality/character outside the ring than he has in a decade, but he wrestled this match exactly like he would have earlier, showing no real signs of his new crazy character.
- Hulk Hogan.
- Eyebrow-raising finish/aftermath.
If you want a big fucking main event, that's what you should watch. It has 20 times the awesomeness in 1/5 of the time. Win.
Cewsh: I’m still fuming from the last segment so I’m going to skip right to the end here. Sting and Angle are dropping bombs on one another, using each other finishers, and generally having a top knot to do. All of a sudden, Hulk Hogan shows up with a steel chair. Now remember, Hulk Hogan hates Sting and will do anything to fuck him out of the title after all of the games Sting has been playing. That is his one and only goal, get the title off of Sting so that Immortal can run TNA. Angle intercepts and grabs the chair away from Hogan, having made it clear that he respects Sting too much to win that way and wants nothing to do with Immortal. However much to the surprise of no one with a functioning brain, he clobbers Sting himself, hits an Angle Slam and wins the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Hulk Hogan, who has just effectively accomplished his one and only goal for tonight, proceeds to scowl at Kurt like the man just nailed Brooke and asked Hulk to clean it up. Kurt then rubs it in Hogan’s face, and the show goes off the air with Hogan steaming and pissed off with Kurt smirking.
Did I miss something here? Why on earth would Hogan be upset about this turn of events? By bringing down a chair to assault Sting, the very best possible scenario that could have resulted in had to have been Angle winning the title. Any other option would result in Sting retaining, and the title out of Hogan’s reach yet again. Yet his plan worked like a charm, and he looks like someone shit in his cereal. So either I’m missing some nuance here or Hulk Hogan did not understand his own fucking plan.
And I don’t know which one makes me sadder.
75 out of 100.
Cewsh: I am so beyond tired of TNA offering a shred of hope with a great show and then just savagely wrenching it away and laughing while you try to figure out what happened. Fool me once, shame on them. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 700 times, I’m pretty sure shame is back to you TNA. For shame.
Vice: Overall this show was pretty goddamn boring. Coming off the heels of their last show (TNA's best show ever and the highest rated Cewsh Reviews ever), there was no way they were going to outdo themselves or even come close to it, but fucking hell. This show might be a lot better watching it a second time, but I don't dare attempt such a thing. This was boring, uneventful and plodding. Welcome back, TNA.
Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the bitter, acrid taste of utterly disappointment. I mean, we’re talking “your kid grows up to be a stripper” level deflating here, and with nothing to look forward to on the TNA horizon but continuations of the same nonsense that was so painful here. WOOOO. Luckily for us, we have some more exciting projects on the horizon, namely WWE Summerslam 2011 coming up later this very week and after that the exciting (for totally different reasons) Juggalo Championship Wrestling show from the Gathering of the Juggalos recently. And then right up against that we’ll be launching ourselves right on into the Panda Puro Party. Add that to Kyle’s ever continuing weekly reviews and Cewsh Reviews is going at such low prices so often that you can call us CRAZY CEWSH’S RIDICULOUS REVIEWS. Or not. Its all good. At any rate, remember to keep reading, and, as always, be good to one another.