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November 27, 2004

WWE Great American Bash 2004

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE Great American Bash 2004


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews that have a time machine that only goes back 9 years, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we review an absolute masterpiece from the recent past, WWE Great American Bash 2004. Recently we here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters realized that we were spending a lot of time reviewing shows that were, well, good. Or at the very least mediocre. It turns out that it has been an awfully long time since we reviewed a show that we knew full well would be hysterically atrocious, and that's just not fair to you readers. So we dropped everything and eagerly looked for a terrible show to sate our snarky appetites.

Initially we considered the rich tapestry of WCW failure, and we'll get back to them don't worry, but eventually we settled on this show. Oh this show. If you don't know what the card for this show is, I urge you not to look it up, and instead to just follow along with me as we explore 3 hours of something that WWE actually charged people money for. I promise, promise, promise you will not be disappointed. Unless you appeared on the show, in which case you might want to just go on repressing those memories.

So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!



Segment 1 - INTRODUCTION!





Cewsh: This is one of the Smackdown only pay per views that have grown to mythical proportions in their misery, so let's take a moment to examine what was going on over on the blue show in the summer of 2004. First we have Eddie Guerrero as our champion, which is awesome, and he's feuding with the newly minted John Bradshaw Layfield, which is a feud that is either fondly remembered or bitterly spat at depending on which section of the IWC you happen to be talking to at any given time. The month prior to this saw Eddie retain the title, despite losing about 3 truckloads of blood, and now he'll have to work that magic again.

Then we have Kurt Angle as the General Manager during that brief period where he was in a wheelchair and wearing beige suits to everyone's dismay. He's trying to get the United States Championship away from this disrespectful newcomer named John Cena who is probably washing cars or something these days.

And finally we have our main event, which is perhaps the most singularly unique match in the history of WWE. It is a 2 ON 1 HANDICAP WIN OR YOUR FATHER WILL BE ENCASED IN CEMENT MATCH between the Undertaker and the Dudley Boyz. We will get more into what in the hell is going on there later on, but for now just accept that somebody in a WWE writer room lined all of those words up next to each other and everyone else just nodded along like it was a perfectly acceptable suggestion. If you worked for a car company, and during a board meeting you said, "Oh hey, I think it'd be a great idea if we made a car that punched people in the crotch every time they started it," and then everyone agreed with you, then that would have serious ramifications. Luckily this is wrestling, so the only consequences are how hard it will be for me to see after I tear my own eyeballs out while watching it.

As for other storylines...yeah, there aren't any of those. But hey, give them a break. When you see who made it on this card, you'll be impressed that they actually had enough to fill a whole show.



Segment 2 - WWE United States Championship - Elimination Match - John Cena (c) vs. Rene Dupree vs. Booker T vs. Rob Van Dam


Cewsh: It is likely that most of the people who will be reading this fall into one of two categories. Either you saw John Cena's rise to fame with your own eyes as it happened, or you started watching, (or came back to watching,) afterwards and have mostly only heard legends of "White Guy Rapper" John Cena. If you're in the first group, it's very likely that you have great memories of this time in Cena's career. After all, he rose up the ranks like a lightning bolt, and had a huge devoted following both online and off. And it is with great sadness that I am forced to point out that the John Cena that we fondly remembered, and even called for a return to for many years, was super, super, super, super lame.

Seriously. Look At Him.

Don't want to believe it? I don't blame you. But as we all know, Cena would always cut a freestyle rap before every match. Let's take a look at this one:


YO, YO, YO, YO, YO, YO, YO

PENALTY: Excessive YOs on the field.


Tonight, Kurt Angle really wants me to lose, this is no joke,
But I'm still here, ready to kick ass in Norfolk.


Yeah, that doesn't rhyme. Like, not even at all.


He's trying to eliminate me, yo, that's his plan,
But tonight i'mma beat three dudes like Kurt Angle's hand.


Homophobic Comment #1.


The only reason Kurt even made the match a four way,
Is so Lumpy and Luther can start in with some foreplay.


Homophobic Comment #2. Also, did we start calling Kurt Angle "Lumpy" at some point? Because that's beautiful.


So I scouted RVD and that Rolling Thunder stunt,
Tonight, the only thing Van Dam's rolling is blunts.


So...like every other night then?


And check this, I aint worried about Booker T,
That dude hangs out with a cross dressing hooker's B.


Homophobic Comment #3. Also, what?


He's gone way downhill since G.I. Bro,
He just a small time sucka like a knee high ho.


Sigh.


And Rene with his dance, you know he's trying to be me,
He can't see me, that punk is more of a bitch than Fifi.


Putting aside the fact that that is the most awkward verse ever said by a human mouth, I also have always wondered whether or not Cena had to run these lines by anyone in the back before doing them. I like to imagine him rapping to Pat Patterson, while Pat nods along uncertainly, trying not to smack him.


But the Navy's in the house, and that's why Rene is schemin'
He gets really overexcited when he's surrounded by the sea men.


Homophobic Comment #4. And a hamfisted one at that. The Semen? Rene gets excited in the presence of a particular batch of semen? 


Now ya'll know the champ is HEEAAARRREERRAEA (sp?) so we running the show,
And if you don't know by now, then we didn't want you to know.


Wait, know what? I FEEL SO LEFT OUT. That you think the only kinds of insults available to a human being involve suggesting that another person is gay or has feminine traits? Because I assure you Jorty McBrickface, you are mistaken.


So there he is, the face of our current company. It would be impossible to guess from this what he would one day become, but it's pretty easy to guess why the current version doesn't go back to this well too often.

Anyway, there was a match!

Now, you pretty much know what you're getting with Booker T and Rob Van Dam. They do their usual thing here to the usual results. The wildcards are Cena and Dupree, and I'll go ahead and tell you that one of them is very good in his role here and the other one was fucking rotten. If you guessed that Dupree was the rotten one then you would be surprisingly mistaken. He was smooth, always in the right place at the right time, and drew HUGE heat from the crowd. In fact, the highlight of the whole match is Dupree doing the French Tickler to ENORMOUS boos, only to get obliterated by Booker T at the end.


Make Sure To Note Tazz, Giving A Preview Of His Future TNA Commentary.

And then there's Cena. Now, i've been one of the great John Cena defenders walking this Earth since about the moment the world turned on him in 2005. He has steadily grown into one of the best and most dependable main event performers in WWE history over the course of 8 years through hard work, experience, and a great deal of trail and error. But at this point he was still just a green bodybuilder with the most awkward wrestling style I have ever seen, and the match suffers as a result. 

The match very quickly becomes "John Cena beats 3 people single handedly" which is an old familiar tune. It has been played better, by more competent musicians, and you wont gain anything by watching it again here. This isn't a bad match, and it evens has some fun moments. But this is a full 20 minutes long and it's far from worth a recommendation. Now let's have a moment of silence for Rene Dupree's career. We can't see him.

65 out of 100


John Cena Over Everyone Else.



Where Did Their Careers Go From Here?

John Cena - Steep Incline - Yeah, he did okay.

Booker T - Incline - It seems weird that all the way in 2004, Booker would have his best years ahead of him, but the previous 5 years had been a comedy of errors with his pushes. It wasn't until he found the role of King Booker that his whole act really came together.

Rob Van Dam - Push - Rob Van Dam has just been Rob Van Dam since 2001. Titles, no titles, wins, losses, all irrelevant. He's just pretty much Rob Van Dam.

Rene Dupree - Steep Decline - There was seriously a time when Rene Dupree looked like he might develop into a special talent. He was ridiculously young at this point, and had been involved in some embarrassing stuff already, but he had begun to strike out on his own, and he was a major heat magnet in the ring. That all evaporated so quickly that it's hard to believe it was ever there. Now he looks like this:

Make Good Decisions, Boys And Girls.



Segment 3 - Poor Charlie Haas.


Cewsh: We go backstage, as a visibly exhausted John Cena walks through the back after his match. As he passes, Charlie Haas congratulates Cena on his big win, prompting Cena to immediately turn around, walk up to Haas' on and off screen girlfriend Jackie Gayda, WHO IS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO CHARLIE, and say, "Hey, you know I got the belt, but I also got a good below the belt. hit me up on the two way." Which, on one hand is among the weakest pick up lines ever delivered, and, on the other hand, has to rank up there as one of the greatest dick moves in WWE history. 

This is followed immediately by Kurt Angle rolling up in a wheel chair and saying that Charlie is an enormous disappointment who makes him sick to look at.  Charlie manages to say, "I could care less..." before Kurt immediately decides to punish him for talking by booking him in a match with Luther Reigns here tonight. 

 Poor Charlie. The man can't catch a break. But at least he has something to cry into at night.




Segment 4 - Avert Your Eyes, Gentleman.


Cewsh: Next we are treating to Sable lounging in a hot tub. She informs us that the Divas will be conducting interviews from inside a hot tub throughout the show, which leads me to believe that somebody's 13 year old son replaced the booking sheet with one of his own, and nobody bothered to change it. If that is the case, then Sable is certainly giving that kid his money's worth and more.


But let's all just remember that that woman is Brock Lesnar's wife. So if he shows up at your house while you're reading this, you might want to scroll past that part. 


And this part.


And this one too.



HEY BROCK! THE PERSON READING THIS IS SCHEMING ON YOUR WIFE. THEY ALSO SAID YOUR TATTOO LOOKS LIKE A GIANT COCK MADE OF VEINY BURRITOS.

Good luck with that you guys.



Segment 5 - Charlie Haas vs. Luther Reigns


Cewsh: Ah, Luther Reigns. To this day, you will still find people on the internet who will swear on their children that Luther Reigns could have been a mega star, and as the pilot of the often lonely Bobby Lashley Express, I can sympathize with their plight. But you can see why they were taken by the man. 

Raised in Hell's Kitchen, he was left to fend for himself at 16, and actually survived being shot, stabbed, and having his throat slit IN THE SAME NIGHT. The man is a 6'6, 300 lbs walking pile of street cred who can cut a promo. What more could you want? And the hype machine was certainly in full force leading up to this match. Meanwhile, Charlie Haas was just merrily plugging along, hoping that people would forget he worked here so they wouldn't get around to releasing him. So the winner here isn't tough to predict.

Poor, Poor Charlie.

40 out of 100


Luther Reigns Over Charlie Haas Following The Roll of the Dice.


Where Did Their Careers Go From Here?

Luther Reigns - Steep Decline - Luther Abdicated.

Charlie Haas - Push - Charlie would wind up revitalizing his career with a series of incredible tag match in Ring of Honor before going singles, getting over, and then immediately having to retire. Because, well, poor Charlie Haas.



Segment 6 - WWE Crusierweight Championship - Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.


Cewsh: This match took place during that weird period in WWE where Rey Mysterio was too over to actually wrestle any of the other cruiserweights but not yet over enough to be pushed against heavyweights. As a result, he basically just wrestled Chavo Guerrero again and again and again while WWE scrambled to think of someone to put Rey in the ring with, (it would eventually be Matt Hardy.) 

Not that there's much to complain about with these two in the ring together. Chavo and Rey have similar chemistry to Eddie and Rey, even if Chavo is basically Eddie's smaller, less graceful, less charismatic doppelganger. Chavo brings the mat work and submission style and Rey brings his flippy greatness, and the mixture creates matches that won't blow you away, but certainly will keep you glued to the screen. 

The story of this match revolves around Chavo's methodical work on Rey's leg, which slows down the lightning fast Mysterio, and keeps him from using any of the big moves that he needs in order to get back in the match. Chavo straight up has Rey in his mercy from start to finish, employing a nasty single leg crab that not only shreds up the surgically repaired knees of Mysterio, but also looks goddamn pretty in the process.

Ow.

Rey tries his best to stay alive while Chavo does things to his legs that should be illegal in civilized society, but while Chavo's plan might be working swimmingly, it doesn't allow any room for showboating. Unfortunately Chavo didn't get the memo about that, so he stalls before trying a Gory Bomb, giving Rey time to reverse the Gory Bomb into a flip powerbomb and get the victory with more than a little help from the fastest count in WWE history.

WHEEEE!

With Rey and Chavo, you know you're getting a match that you can count on not sucking. This is probably the least interesting match in their long series together, but even so, this was by far the highlight of the night thus far.

75 out of 100


Rey Mysterio Over Chavo Guerrero Jr. Following A Roll Up.


Where Did Their Careers Go From Here?

Rey Mysterio - Steep Incline - The years between this event and the present are hugely tumultuous ones for Rey Mysterio. He'll lose his best friend, get a mega push to super stardom, deal with a plague of injuries, and he'll ultimately retire as perhaps the definitive Mexican wrestler in WWE history. Not bad for a guy stuck wrestling Chavo Guerrero 300 times a year back in 2004.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. - Steep Decline - It's funny to think about Chavo now, because back in these days a lot of people were very high on him. He was really the sole reason the crusierweight division in WWE managed to work at all, and his run along with his father was genuinely great. But holy shit does his carrer ever go off the rails after this. Kerwin White, wheelchair pusher in La Familia, 8 second title loss at Wrestlemania, John Cena hater, TNA employee. It's like Eddie dying placed some kind of wild pox on him that he'll never shake.




Segment 7 - Hello Titties.


Cewsh: Backstage, we find Torrie Wilson in a hot tub with Spike Dudley, Billy Kidman and Funaki. She asks them about the title match we just saw and they bicker briefly about which one of them could have beaten Rey Mysterio. Then Torrie abruptly stands up and leaves to get ready for her match, giving us a series of reactions from Funaki that remind me of why he should be in the WWE Hall of Fame for backstage segments alone.

That's Billy Kidman Getting Paid To Ogle His Own Wife On Television.

Does anyone else feel like this is going to be our most masturbated to review of all time?



Segment 8 - Kenzo Suzuki vs. Billy Gunn


Cewsh: Kenzo Suzuki is practically a legend in the annals of Japan for being perhaps the worst wrestler ever to main event a match in that country. He's so awkward in the ring, his moves look so awful, and he has so little charisma that he actually turned his career around by just owning his "worst wrestler ever" status and playing it for humor. And that's the person that WWE hired in order to play one of their wonderfully racist Asian caricatures, this one being the EVIL EMPEROR ACTUALLY NAMED HIROHITO. Which is naturally a relevant cultural reference in both the United States and Japan in 200fucking4. At this point in his WWE run, he was still getting the full on emperor treatment, being ferried to the ring by mysterious jobbers and being accompanied by his wife Hiroko, who was only hired because Kenzo spoke no goddamn English whatsoever.

WWE Showing Restraint.

Here, the Japanese marvel is wrestling Billy Gunn, which comes as a bit of a surprise, since I had no idea the man still had a job this late into the 00s, much less that he was coming out to his Mr. Ass music and doing crotch chops.

And Karate Chops.

Now, I very clearly remember thinking that Kenzo Suzuki was the worst thing ever when I was watching these matches back in the day, and he is just laughably out his depth here, but what strikes me in watching this is that WWE did him zero favors by just having him to judo moves all match long. The fans don't respond to a single thing that Suzuki does all match, even just from a "oh hey that was a neat move" perspective. And when Suzuki does his finisher, which he clearly sets up for and has performed on television prior to this, the fans somehow make less noise than they would if they simply weren't paying attention. It's like the cumulative power of their disinterest created a black hole of sound from which only the tiny, sad noise of Billy Gunn's tears could be heard, as he remembered what he once was.

Also, this isn't even the last squash match on this show. 2 out of 3 matches have been squashes thus far to put over people that had no business being pushed. And we're just getting warmed up for the piece de resistance. Can you feel the anticipation?

40 out of 100


Kenzo Suzuki Over Billy Gunn Following A Move That Probably Has A Racist Name.


Where Did Their Careers Go From Here?

Kenzo Suzuki - Incline - Less people hate him now. That's something.

Billy Gunn - Decline - But only because there wasn't all that much further down to go.



Segment 9 - Paul On Paul Action.


Cewsh: Backstage, Paul Heyman is monologue to a bound and gagged Paul Bearer about how he is totally willing to murder him on live PPV if the Undertaker doesn't make the right decision. This is some pretty threatening stuff, and Paul Heyman is one of the all time great promos. There's just one thing that is kind of distracting me as he talks. I can't quite put my finger on what it is...

...

Oh right, the 5 minutes of increasingly graphic molestation. Because the first step in any "forcing a zombie to murder his father via magical knick knack" storyline, is some hardcore uncomfortable fondling, just to get the crowd going.

I would rather fuck a box of matches than ever watch this segment again. And I'm saying that after having watched it 3 times to get all of the screenshots. YOU'RE WELCOME, READER.



Segment 10 - Sable vs. Torrie Wilson


Cewsh: It seems like so long ago that we used to have entire portions of our tv shows and PPVs taken up by women rubbing their tits on the camera somewhere near a ring. And for all that we might criticize WWE these days for their mishandling of the Divas division, we should all chip in to buy Vince McMahon a present as thanks for stopping this inane fuckery.

The two ladies here to have what has to be called a match in the same way that a mime has to be called a human being, are Torrie Wilson and Sable, our hot tub hosts for the night. I don't know if they were feuding over anything in particular, and I am possessed of such a powerful disinterest in finding out that if you leave a comment trying to tell me what it was, I will forcibly ignore your existence for all eternity. They are here to have tits, and fortunately they are quite gifted in that area. Unfortunately, they are also here to wrestle, and if their combined wrestling skill was expressed in a cup size, it would only fit a woman whose breasts were so far inside of her body that she'd need a team of spelunkers to find them. They suck, is what I'm getting at here. They suck to infinity.

As for this match in particular, let's take a look at this gif.

SKILLS!

Our All American hero Torrie Wilson Hulks up, grabs Sable, and performs a mighty suplex! Then she decides to ratchet up the difficulty factor by rolling into a pin. This was a disastrous decision, and yet possible the finest wrestling maneuver performed in this match.

These two titans collide again and again until Sable decides that the only way she can beat the rampaging Torrie is to play possum. She pretends to be seriously hurt, and waits for Torrie to conveniently walk all the way across the ring to turn her back, just like anyone would in this situation, before pouncing! She school boys Torrie, and gets the dramatic pin, as both Torrie and the audience at home wonder why a pinfall still counts if the person being pinned looks like this.

SHE IS ACTIVELY ELBOWING HIM IN THE FACE.

But that's a question for another day. Or no day. Let's make it no day.

WHY DOES THIS SHOW SUCK SO FUCKING MUCH?!

5 out of 100


Sable Over Torrie Wilson Following A School Boy.


Where Did Their Careers Go From Here?

Torrie Wilson - Push

Sable - Push

They are both still very attractive women. Neither is involved in the wrestling business any longer, but it would be hard to say that that is a horribly awful thing for either them or us.



Segment 11 - Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly


Cewsh: Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly

Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly

Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly

Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly

If you are the kind of person who is reading this review to find out how this show is, then you can skip right along to the next match because this isn't for you. However, if you're the kind of person who has been waiting with bated breath all show long for me to get to this point then congratulations, because your moment has come at last. Now I have to review a match between MORDECAI AND HARDCORE FUCKING HOLLY. And the universe is going to owe me big for this one.

Oh, who is Mordecai, you ask? Well you see, as we moved on into the mid 00s, WWE became enamored with the idea of finding fresh and unique challenges to the Undertaker. They tried out various up and comers like Ken Kennedy and Heidenreich during the time period, but perhaps the most often sniggered about was this very individual. And that was because, well...

Yeah.

The entire stated purpose of Mordecai was that he was coming to Smackdown to destroy all of the sinners and demons that apparently were running rampant there, (though apparently Raw was totally free of both.) Therefore, his obvious targets for his first two PPV matches would of course be Scotty 2 Hotty and Hardcore Holly, because if anyone knows anything about sin in this company, it's those two guys. It is also worth mentioning that this feud was started when Mordecai and Holly randomly showed up on Smackdown having a brawl. The announcers had no idea why, and 3 days later they still have no idea why. That is a storyline that led to a PPV match in 2004.

In all honestly, WWE had all but given up on Mordecai by this point just 2 months into his run. That is possibly because the crowds did not respond to him in any way at any point, and his whole gimmick was such a dollar store take on the Undertaker's mystical persona that it looked ridiculously corny and ridiculous. But, to Mordecai's credit, he could wrestle.

Are You Suuuuuure?

I'm sorry, I left a word out there. BADLY. He could wrestle badly. And let the record show that I have gotten this far into the intro without mentioning that Hardcore Holly is great walking fuckbiscuit who couldn't have an interesting match if Andre the Giant came back from the dead to tag with him against an army of midget luchadors, (note to self: write that movie.) And if you're wondering if the combination of a balding fuckbiscuit and a bright white failure turtle managed to beat the incredible odds stacked against them and actually had a great match, then your optimism is a great credit to you and I have an exciting movie opportunity for you to invest in, (zombie Andre does his own stunts!) But hey, maybe you and I like different things in a match. Tell me, what are your thoughts on this:


And this: 


And this: 


Thrilling? Spine tingling? Soul shattering? Toe twittering? No? Well that's a shame BECAUSE THAT IS THIS ENTIRE FUCKING MATCH. THESE ASSHOLES DON'T DO ANYTHING WHILE THE CROWD SITS ON IN TOTAL FUCKING SILENCE. I HATE BOTH OF THESE PEOPLE FOR WASTING MY GODDAMN TIME EVEN THOUGH THEY DID THIS SEVERAL YEARS AGO AND DON'T EVEN WORK FOR THIS COMPANY ANYMORE. I HATE THEM AND I HATE WHOEVER INVENTED WRESTLING, DVDs, TELEVISIONS AND EYES. THE INVENTION OF EYES WAS CLEARLY LEADING TO THIS MOMENT AND I BLAME EVERYONE.

WHY IS THIS SHOW NOT OVER YET?!

35 out of 100


Mordecai Over Hardcore Holly Following A Crucifix Bomb.


Where Did Their Careers Go From Here?

Mordecai - Steep Decline - This wouldn't be the last time that WWE tried to fit Kevin Fertig with a supernatural gimmick. You may also remember him as the vampire Kevin Thorn, who would stand in the corner while you paid attention to his buxom, upside down valet. Shockingly, that gimmick never got him over, and was dropped unceremoniously. 

Hardcore Holly - Steep Decline - He wrestled a match for TNA this year! And, um, he's had a lot of time to get really good at checkers!



Segment 12 - WWE Championship - Texas Bullrope Match - Eddie Guerrero (c) vs. JBL


Cewsh: Out of respect to our dear, departed Eddie Guerrero, I will not actually include my review of this match here. That is because Texas Bullrope matches are so commonly bad and have such an incredible history of failure and ineptitude, that not even Eddie Guerrero in his absolute prime could do anything to make this a watchable match. I will, however, share with you how they chose to end this match.

For some context, both Eddie Guerrero and JBL had touched all three turnbuckles prior to this, meaning that all either one had to do was touch the top turnbuckle there in order to win. For some truly puzzling reason, Eddie Guerrero decides to attempt to Air Jordan over JBL's head in order to touch it, only to discover to his dismay that he does not, in fact, have ups. He crashes into JBL, but manages to slap the turnbuckle. His music hits, the crowd goes wild, and all is well in the world. That is, right up until Kurt Angle comes out, points out that JBL actually hit the turnbuckle first, seeing as how a 180 pound man had just given him a close up view of his crotch, and is therefore the new champion. Match over. 

Shh, It'll Be Okay, Eddie. Nobody Will Remember This.

And thus ends the one and only World title reign for one of the most beloved performers in wrestling history. Good night, everybody!

50 out of 100


JBL Over Eddie Guerrero Following



Where Did Their Careers Go From Here?

Eddie Guerrero - Steep Decline - 

JBL - Incline - Definitely one of the surprise success stories of the decade, he would go on to hold the WWE title all the way until Wrestlemania, where he would become the man to put over the new face of the company, John Cena. He's been a high profile figure on the shows ever since.



Segment 13 - 2 On 1 Handicap Father in A Cement Prison Match - The Undertaker vs. The Dudley Boyz w/ Paul Heyman


Cewsh: I'm not going to mince words here. This may be the stupidest match concept in WWE history. It's a handicap match between The Undertaker and a midcard tag team, that is being sold solely off of the idea that Paul Bearer might actual be drowned in cement and killed on stage in front of a live paying audience. The only possible redeeming factor to something like this would be if there were a hot storyline to go with it, though I don't know how that would even work, but there's none of that here either. Essentially the idea here is that Paul Heyman has stolen the urn and kidnapped Paul Bearer, and is trying to force the Undertaker to bend to his will and become his supernatural puppet man. Heyman's motivation for this is sketchy, so he could either want to use the Undertaker to take over the wrestling world, (probable,) or he could really be needing a last minute replacement clown for his niece's birthday party, (less probable.) Thus far, the Undertaker has been forced to do Heyman's bidding against his will, which has resulted in a match, (for no real reason,) against the Dudley Boyz, (who have no real stake in this,) for the life of Paul Bearer, (who Paul Heyman has no actual reason to want dead.)

Oh, and one other thing. You might reasonably be thinking that if the Undertaker wins the match, Paul Bearer will be spared. Because otherwise, why have a match at all, right? Yeah, well Heyman keeps saying that the only way to save Bearer is by "doing the right thing", meaning that the Undertaker's will has to break. And if it doesn't, Bearer dies. We don't know what "the right thing" is, and according to the announcers, neither does anyone else. If this were a movie, the Undertaker would fight back, save Bearer, defeat Heyman and swing away to safety on a conveniently placed jungle vine. But this is pro wrestling so...

But before we get to that, there's a match to be had. Let's tell the story in pictures:

Here's Paul Bearer In A Case.

Here's Paul Heyman With A Vase.

Here's The Undertaker, Who Refused To Quit.

Here's Paul Bearer Covered In Wet Gray Shit.

Here's The Undertaker, Getting The Win.

Here's Paul Heyman Giving His Very Best Grin.

Here's Taker Saving The Day With A Magical Strike.

Here's Paul Bearer Promising To Buy Taker A Bike.

Here's Taker Pulling The Lever Of Doom.

Here's Paul Bearer Inside A Small Concrete Room.

And yeah, the Undertaker, after successfully defeating the forces of evil, goes ahead and murders his father with the words, "Sorry Paul, I had no choice." Now, if you're the rationalizing type, you might look at this and say, "well the Undertaker character has been shown that he has only one weakness, and he's doing away with it. It's all in character for him." Which is true. The problem is that a) this is not explained satisfactorily and b) THIS IS A FUCKING PRO WRESTLING SHOW. There are kids in that audience and at home who bought this show solely in order to see the Undertaker, (because honestly, what other draw was there?) and what they got was a 10 minute match with constant interuptions, followed by the Undertaker MURDERING SOMEONE IN COLD BLOOD. This is literally the last image on screen as the show goes off the air.


I would love to be able to read a transcript of the writer's meeting where they all assure themselves that this was a good idea. Did they wonder whether or not the crowd might be completely baffled by this whole thing and be utterly silent throughout the entire main event? Did they suspect that having the Undertaker murder someone might make him a tough character to write for in the day to come? Did they remember that human beings are supposed to watch this outside of lobotomy wards? 

Wait, did the entire writing staff of a major television show simultaneously all get amnesia? QUICK, PASS ME THAT PEN I HAVE ANOTHER MOVIE IDEA!

30 out of 100


The Undertaker...Actually, I Have No Idea.




Where Did Their Careers Go From Here?

The Dudley Boyz - Push - The people who came out of this the most unscathed had to be the Dudley Boyz, as it was obvious that they had little to do with this whole thing to begin with. They would soon leave WWE, and have great success in TNA and Japan, and ultimately Bubba Ray would find singles success on his own. But all in all, this is about where the DUdleys always were, and always are.

The Undertaker - Push - He's the Undertaker. If shit like this were capable of hurting his career, he never would have made it to the Attitude Era.

Paul Heyman - Push - This actually isn't all that different from what he's doing now.

Paul Bearer - Steep Decline - Hey, remember that review we did where Vince Russo started a Christian promotion and Paul Bearer was the devil? Yeah.




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Cewsh's Conclusion:

Cewsh: Great American Bash? More like NOT GREAT American Bash. Am I right?

I need a drink.

Cewsh's Final Score: 42.5 out of 100





Well that'll do it for us this time, boys and girls. Next on the agenda is a return to the present, s we continue our grand voyage to catch up to the present day in both WWE and New Japan. Will our next show be Hell in a Cell or King of Pro Wrestling? That's for philosophers to decide. All I can tell you is, as always, to keep reading and be good to one another.

2 comments:

JackCollins said...

I am sad to say: This was the first PPV I ever bought. Not because anything on the card interested me, but rather because it was the first time I was able to buy a PPV with my Cable package. Frankly I would have bought anything they put out this month of this year. Sadly I remember the Sable vs. Torrie Wilson match most because it led to a segment on Smackdown where Kurt went to "Punish the referee" by making him face Luther Reighns and Charlie Haas made the save. I love Charlie Haas so I thought it was awesome. Rewatching the match and segment now almost ten years latter I shake my head at how gullible I was when I was 20.

Anonymous said...

Funniest review ever!

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