Here there be spoilers.

If you are new or looking to AVOID the spoilers, go here now.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of reviews, there are spoilers inside all the cuts. Don't want them? Turn around, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and click the pretty link at the top.

If you ignore this and read a spoiler anyway, don't come crying to us. We did warn you.

If you are looking for the archive of past episodes of Cewshcast 5000, you can find it here.

January 29, 2012

25 Years Of Overlooked Rumble Performances

MichaelC:  Who loves Royal Rumbles? Yep, everybody. So many legendary performances over the years. Austin in the 90s, Flair 92, DiBiase 90, Punk 2010, Diesel 94. All brilliant. But also well remembered by most fans, so we’re not looking at them.

What I’m interested in here are the great Rumble performances that get overlooked. So, in honour of the “25th anniversary” of the Rumble match, let’s go looking for Rumble performances you ought to love... if only you’d remember them. (Except in 1989, where, on trying on find a forgotten gem of a performance between Ron Bass and Nikolai Volkoff, I gave up and read some R.L. Stine instead).

Less Scary Than Watching Ron Bass Wrestle.

Some might be obvious. Some might be left field. Others still might need reappraising. All of them are awesome.

January 27, 2012

The 242 Royal Rumble Preview

The 242 Royal Rumble Preview!

Welcome, once again, to another weekly installment of the 242 Raw Re...wait, that’s not right.

Welcome, once again, to another semi-annual installment of a random 242 article!  As I’m sure you are all aware, it’s RUMBLIN’ SEASON, which marks my favorite time of the year next to March Madness, the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and the end of February.  Y’know, that time when coked out hookers realize that their rent is due 2 days earlier than usual and desperately drop prices.  They pass the savings on to you!

This year’s Rumble is more exciting than ever!  We’re back down to 30 combatants which, after last year, was a controversial move that upset absolutely no one!  The roster is filled with talent, fighting furiously for the opportunity of a lifetime, the chance to headline WrestleMania!  By headlining WrestleMania, we of course mean the participating in the third or possibly fourth most important match on the card!  It’s like kindergarten here, every match is a Main Event!

I’m so excited, I just can’t keep the words in.  It’s basically Tourette’s for wrestling.  So rather than write some sort of coherent article with a natural flow that’s pleasing to the reader, I’m just going to list a bunch of dudes on the roster and tell you some stuff that may or may not have to do with them.  Cool?  Cool.

The future starts...NOW!

January 19, 2012

The 3rd Annual CR Year End Awards

Welcome cats and kittens to the third annual Cewsh Reviews End of Year Awards.  Quite a bit has happened to Cewsh Reviews in the past year, from getting on the Rajah mainpage to finding a dollar on the sidewalk that we bought a Snickers with and everything in between.  So now we'll take this time to look back on the year that was, now that we're a few weeks safely removed from it.  So what sets our end of year awards apart from the ones you were endlessly spammed with in December?  Simple.  SCIENCE!

Famous Last Words.

Each match that we reviewed this year was compiled and averaged out to determine the score for each wrestler's full year.  We only included wrestlers who had at least 3 matches this year that we reviewed, and for the purposes of these awards we used my (meaning Cewsh's) ratings.  For reference, anyone recieving a cumulative average score of 60 - 69 is considered to have passed in terms of having been part of enjoyable matches in the past year.  An average of 70 - 79 means that your matches were consistently good, if not particularly special, and a score of 80 - 89 means you had really good to great matches so consistently that your entire year qualifies for a Download Seal of Approval.  Should anyone crest the diamond mountains of the 90 - 100 range, it should probably go without saying that they are some kind of goddamn sorcerer.

Alright, everybody good? Nobody fall asleep during that? Well then let's let down the curtains, fire up the band, and get this jungle party started!

January 15, 2012

10 Of The Worst Looks In Wrestling History

Aloha there, boys and girls.  Welcome to another installment of the best thing to happen to Sunday since Doug went off the air, your very favorite Sunday Supplements.  Now let me open this by acknowledging the obvious: wrestling fans generally seem to know as much about fashion as they do about, say, particle physics.  Believe me when I tell you that I am certainly in that group as well.  But over the years the wrestling industry has created some of the most obscene crimes against eyes that anyone has ever dared to wear, and its time we all had ourselves a chuckle over it.  From tassels to the tightest tights to bizarre animal heads to colors that would blind Sauron, there is so much to choose from that half the fun of a list like this is realizing how many awful selections didn't even make it on.

Seriously, This Didn't Even Make The Cut.

So with that in mind, I have called in our resident fashion expert Mrs. Cewsh and together we'll do our very best Tom and Lorenzo imitation in selecting the 10 looks that even Lady Gaga would giggle at and break down just what in the fuck they were thinking.

January 8, 2012

TNA Genesis 2012

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents… 

 
TNA Genesis 2012



Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the elastic, bombastic and fantastic Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we join Total Nonstop Action Impact National Wrestling Alliance in smashing a bottle of champagne on the year 2012 and setting sail with TNA Genesis 2012. Tonight we will see the very best that TNA has to offer (and also Jeff Hardy) and will get a chance to assess where the company stands going into its tenth year of existence. This will also serve as a sort of milestone in Cewsh Review history, as it will serve as the final time that we review a TNA show simply because it has occurred. If you didn’t see the messages earlier, we are pursuing a download free environment for Cewsh Reviews, and as such, will not pay to be stabbed in the eye by Dixie Carter’s massive dong of mediocrity on a monthly basis (we’ll still review important shows and significant happenings). So the pressure is on for TNA to produce one heullva show and provide answers to some of the most burning questions that nobody is actually asking. Like will Bobby Roode continue to take strides towards main event credibility? Will Samoa Joe and Magnus make some semblance of sense as a team? Will Devon somehow find a way to reach his sons before its too late? As has been and as yet may be, there is only one way to find out.

So with no further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

January 2, 2012

The Top 5 Joshi Wrestlers of All Time

Welcome welcome, boys and girls.  I've gathered you all here today for a very special history lesson very near and dear to my heart.  That subject is Joshi (of Japanese Women's) Wrestling, and the list is of the greatest stars of that particular wrestling genre.  Now I know that Japanese wrestling isn't everyone's cup of sake, and women's wrestling is much the same, so when you read the title of this list you might have thought to yourself "Ugh, another Puro review and now its about chicks?" or perhaps even sadly "Joshwhatnow?"  Its a fair point that in North America, women's wrestling still struggles on for credibility, especially among casual fans of WWE, but these are no Barbie dolls or models, my friends.  These women represent some of the greatest wrestlers that the industry has ever beheld.  These women showed that you could be beautiful (or not) and still not only be as good as the men, but could completely make them look silly by comparison.  These women built a national sensation from scratch and made it so beloved that its stars are still revered in Japanese culture to this day.  These women are absolute fucking badasses.

And They Aint Hard To Look At, Either.

Don't believe me?  See how you feel after you've met the five best.  So clear some time in your busy day of Angry Birds and masturbation, and pay some attention and some damn respect to the five greatest Joshi wrestlers of all time.