Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only blog on the internet that is interactive in any capacity whatsoever, as long as you don't include all the others, Cewsh Reviews! We have our very most special treat for you tonight, boys and girls, because the biggest night of the reviewing year has finally come. All year long we review shows from all over the world, from all sorts of promotions, and from all different eras, but only ONCE a year do we open up the floodgates and allow you, our dear readers, to decide what we review. If this is your first go round on the Dream Card train, it works like this. Back in June we opened up submissions to anyone who wanted to suggest a match, and let them choose any match ever contested so long as a) we could find it to watch it and b) we'd never reviewed it before. You crazy bastards turned out in droves and submitted matches from all over the spectrum, from fictional matches to absolute classic to random matches you liked on a tv show in 1998. We stuck them all in an Optimus Prime Mr. Potato Head, (Optimash Prime,) and pulled out 8 lucky winners at random and sent them all a DVD prize. Those eight matches are what we'll be reviewing here today, and man, they're all over the spectrum, and truly representative of the randomness that comes out of your collective brains when given free reign to suggest anything. And man, do we ever love you for it.
But this is our premiere event, our gala spectacle. We can't half ass this. So the original triad of Cewsh Reviews, Cewsh, Vice and Mrs. Cewsh have joined their power rings together and gotten totally swanked out, in order to bring you a review utterly unlike anything you've ever seen before, (unless you read the first two.) So get ready to yell at the submitters for what they chose, and yell at us for what we think, and remember, next year a winner could be you.
So without any further ado, let's do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: What? Do you think we're made of money here? We had to do all the footwork ourselves this time, so you're lucky that you don't have to read this on the side of a giant advertisement for penis enlargement pills. No, wait, don't give me the puppy dog eyes. I...I...look...okay fine. We'll give you a video. Hold on a minute. Um, um, okay here we go.Please enjoy this video of Nyan Cat in hyperspace. After watching it for the full 30 minute run time, I feel you will be in the right frame of mind to enter the insanity and chaos that follows.
Cewsh: Okay then. Let's see what the first match you guys submitted was. It appears to be the debut match of Daniel Bryan in the WWE, as he took on Chris Jericho in a match that kicked off two feuds, but not the ones you'd expect. But before we get into that, it's possible that some of you may not have been watching during the brief period where NXT was an actual thing, so here's how it worked. They'd take a bunch of prospects who were more or less ready for the main roster, give them active WWE superstars as mentors, and then put them through a variety of drills, tests and matches while eliminating one every week. The idea was to peel off the people who weren't ready until they got to someone who was prepared for a megapush, while giving the new guys a chance to get over through interaction with known stars. It was a pretty good idea, and the first season was fairly successful, but each year after had diminishing returns as they struggled to find talent that was ready for the opportunity.
Daniel Bryan's mentor for this experience was the Miz, and much was made of a) this being ridiculous since Bryan had way more experience than him and b) the Miz HATING DANIEL BRYAN LIKE SO MUCH OMG. Meanwhile, Chris Jericho was mentoring a guy you may have heard of named Wade Barrett who would go on to win the whole thing. So through some way or other, Jericho and Bryan found themselves in a match together, in what may have been one of the first real times that WWE appeared to give internet fans something they badly wanted just to see how they would respond.
Of course it's never quite that easy is it? Because from the second that Daniel Bryan steps out from behind the curtain for his first WWE match, Michael Cole makes every effort to completely sabotage anyone's enjoyment of this match. You see, this was really the begin of the gigantic Michael Cole heel turn that is only now petering out some 3 years later. And while Cole has been annoying and distracting before, here has that dial turned up to 11 as he takes a big yelling dump on all independent wrestlers, all foreign wrestling promotions, all internet wrestling fans, and Daniel Bryan himself to such a ridiculous extent that I had to mute it halfway through just to remind myself that there was a match going on. I get what they were going for, and to some extent it actually did work in getting Bryan over over time, but to have it be so omnipresent during his debut really was a mistake that did him no favors.
As for the match itself, it's an interesting study. See, Chris Jericho here is the World Heavyweight Champion and he's facing a totally unknown rookie. Despite that, Jericho spends a lot of the match just straight up getting his ass kicked by Bryan, as a beardless Danny unloads a hit or miss catalog of newly learned WWE style moves. It's fine, and Jericho keeps things moving along while Bryan buzzes around like a man who has consumed the world's supply of pixie sticks, but there really isn't a ton to this. It's an 8 minute tv match where a rookie takes the World Champion to the limit, which would be great if the announcer weren't tearing him down the entire time like moldy drywall. Finally, Jericho ends the shenanigans with what may be the nastiest Lion Tamer that I've ever seen him do.
Obviously Bryan did okay for himself from here on, but for a match that seems to have a warm place in the hearts of many a smark, there really wasn't a ton here to be positive about.
75 out of 100
Robot Announcer: Well Cewsh, he's won perhaps the most mediocre wrestling PPV ever committed to disc. See Rhino suck while suspended 20 feet in the air! See a six man tag team match main event a pay per view! See Team 3D fight Shark Boy and Curry Man in a Fish Market Street Fight (actually, that part is awesome)! All this and more for Mills to enjoy.
Cewsh: Now, back in 2001, Steve Austin was going heel as full tilt as he knew how, and the man knew him some how. He became an unhinged, title obsessed suck up to Vince McMahon, and during the summer of 2001 he joined forces with Triple H to form the Two Man Power Trip, and while the team was short lived it was goddamned DOMINANT. With the team tearing through teams like the Hardy Boys and The Brothers of Destruction with impunity and winning the WWE title, the Intercontinental title and the Tag titles all in ones go, some heroes needed to be found to combat them. Unexpectedly, those heroes turned out to be Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho who not only stood their ground, but actually beat Austin and Triple H for the tag titles in one of the best moments of the decade. Since Triple H went down with a quad injury in that match, the summer saw Austin facing threats from both Benoit and Jericho towards his title, and this match was right along that road, with Austin being forced to defend the title against and injured, but dangerous, Benoit.
Now, this match has the unfortunate distinction of containing two things that wrestling fans don't like to think about; Steve Austin's heel turn and Chris Benoit's....err...heel turn, let's say.
It is also unlucky in that it took place on a random episode of Smackdown in the middle of the year, and I don't think I need to tell you how seldomly people tend to remember television matches from 11 years ago. However, this match does famously have one thing going for it. It's The Match With All The German Suplexes.
See, the gist of this match is that Benoit's ribs are hurt, but he's incredibly dangerous, and Austin wants absolutely no part of him. So Austin spends the entire match looking for some way out of this predicament, and Benoit spends it whaling on Austin whenever possible. Finally, it becomes clear to Austin that he's going to need to actually beat Benoit to escape, and he just starts going after Benoit's ribs like a madman while Benoit sells it all magnificently. Now you have to remember that this was back in 2001. Austin was having trouble getting crowds to boo his heel run because they loved him so much, and there were plenty of times where no matter what he did, the fans wouldn't cheer the other guy. But a major factor in this match is that this is absolutely not one of those times at all, as the crowd goes nuclear for Benoit whenever he fires up, and during the famous German Suplex run, Benoit does about 10 of the things and the crowd just gets louder and louder and LOUDER with each one.
It's one of those special moments in wrestling, and while the match has been mostly forgotten, that moment stands out to most of the people who have seen it. In the end, though, McMahon comes down and helps Austin fuck over Benoit for the win, which the crowd responds to like Austin just motorboated their mothers, and then the crowd basically gives Benoit a standing ovation for trying so goddamn hard.
This really was the era of amazing tv matches, and this one was no exception. In fact, it may very well be among the best tv matches ever aired. It was just purely enjoyable and really made Benoit seem like a gigantic star in the making. It's interesting to think that he would go out for neck surgery less than a month later, because I have no doubt after watching this again that if that had not happened, it would have been Benoit, and not Jericho, who got the mega push at the end of the year. Speculation towards how that might have changed history is just too painful to consider.
95 out of 100
Cewsh's Download Seal of Approval
RA: Well Cewsh, Mr. Shay will be receiving a DVD that documents a promotion so bad that playing it may well speed the apocalypse. It also is notable for being an extremely awkward prize to award someone who chose a match with Chris Benoit in it. Enjoy, Coady!
Cewsh: Obviously the concept of the CRSMUTDC kind of prevents us from covering the kind of promos and such that are usually a part of our reviews. But rather than forcing you to monotonously read about wrestling matches, (who likes those anyway?) instead I will be seeking out completely random wrestling promos that I have no knowledge of or context for and discussing those. Considering I'm literally just Googling "Random Wrestling Promo" the results are likely to be interesting. Let's just go ahead and throw it over to Google and see what we get here.
Ah, here it appears we have a promo by Diesel shortly before his title match against Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 10. Immediately things take a turn for the worse as Todd Pettengill shows up to do the interview, as I would much rather see Big Dick Johnson conduct the interview with the microphone hidden mysteriously in his thong than listen to Todd Pettengill talk for 5 seconds. Luckily, it appears that someone backstage agrees with me, because as he tries to talk the mic cuts out most everything. What it leaves is way more entertaining if you pretend that the blank parts are meant to be blotted out profanity:
"Pamela Anderson is here and she *BLEEP*ed the building. She will *BLEEP* the champion."
Then they sort out the mic issue while Kevin Nash picks his nose, and after about a full minute, they finally get to talk to Diesel and ask him what he think of the comments Shawn Michaels made, saying that there was no way that he, (Michaels,) was leaving without the belt on his shoulder. Diesel Nash winds up, takes a mighty swing...
"That's funny, because that's exactly the way I feel."
...and a miss.
Now you could say that he meant that Michaels wouldn't be leaving the arena AT ALL, what with the beating and all that, but there is absolutely no sign whatsoever that that ever crossed Nash's mind. In the very next sentence he misspeaks, flounders for a moment, and then to compensate BEGINS SHOUTING VERY LOUDLY. HE SHOUTS VERY LOUDLY FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE PROMO AND THEN THE PROMO ENDS. WHY DID WE LET KEVIN NASH HAVE SO MUCH PROMO TIME? THIS WAS NOT VERY GOOD. ALL OF THIS SHOUTING IS HURTING MY THUMB.
Cewsh: Holy christ this match was fantastic.
It's sort of a problem with wrestling reviewers in general that we all get so worked up about what we deem as "spot fests" only to turn around and masturbate furiously to any match where people do flippies off of high places. It's sort of a communal insanity that we only realize the problems with when we're making the walk of shame down Psychology Street later on. But the fact of the matter is that spot fests, when everything clicks and nothing goes wrong, can be absolutely breathtaking achievements, and so it is here as these three guys absolutely tear the house down for 20 minutes, in a way that is utterly unique to TNA in all the wrestling world. I'm not even going to try to relate to you all the amazing things that they do with a crispness and confidence that is lacking even from these same men these days, because it would be a list so long I would have to get Santa to deal with it.
What I will focus on, though, is AJ Styles, who steals the show in this match so thoroughly that it has to be seen to be believed. Here he was at the height of his powers, and I'm not even kidding when I say that EVERY SINGLE TIME he showed up on screen something amazing happened.
From taking a bump off of the ropes that TNA has shown on loop ever since, to committing to selling his arm like nothing I've ever seen in a match of this type, to the finish which is the most AJ Styles finish to any match that I've ever seen, the man just runs away with it here. Without him, this would be a great match. With him, this is a fantastic match, with fantastic performers, and is one of the crown jewels of the golden era of TNA that everyone is asking for when they complain about things now. Going back and watching this, I'm amazed they don't complain more.
89 out of 100
Cewsh's Download Seal of Approval
- On Mike Tenay Saying That AJ Styles Had Been Named "Mr. TNA" Two Years In A Row.
Wait, what is "Mr. TNA"? Please tell me that's like a beauty pageant for wrestlers, where they have to do a swimsuit and talent round and everything.
- On Chris Sabin
I don't see Chris Sabin in this match. There's a guy who has his name and long greasy hair, but I don't think I would recognize him except as the guy who stands next to Alex Shelley and wears the same clothes.
- On The Six Sided Ring
Hey, this ring has 6 sides! It's like a sextigon! Sextigon? Septigon? I like sextigon. AJ Styles can be in my sextigon.
- On Scott D'Amore
Who is this fat Jim Cornette rip off?
- On AJ's Resilience
Of course he's not hurt, he takes all of the impact with his enormous cock.
Vice: I love this match. If someone were to ever ask me about an Ultimate X match and have me recommend one, it would be this. In fact, back then it’d have been a great introduction to TNA in general. It’s just a really fun, exciting match where everyone goes balls to the wall with clever spots and structuring. There’s even story here and there! This is X-Division done right, and it was really fun going back and watching it again after so many years. Held up very well, and I still love the ending. So if you’ve never seen an Ultimate X match and you’re curious, give this a shot.
RA: Well Cewsh, kdestiny will be receiving a show that involved someone getting shanked, heavily gang involved storylines and even occasionally some wrestling! He'll be sure to enjoy this treat.
Cewsh: During the course of the Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card submission process, we get in some truly befuddling matches. We've had people suggest everything from Bread Eating Deathmatches, (which made it in,) to electrified cage matches featuring Necro Butcher, (which thankfully did not.) There's always some oddity out there in the wrestling world that our readers either want us to react in confusion towards, or to praise as the height of entertainment, (See: HUSTLE.) But even with all of the precedent for this, I'm still scratching my head over this submission of what appears to be some kind of "King of the Mountain" style competition where various wrestlers are given the chance to try to spend 3 minutes in a cage with the champion, and if they are able to, they win $1,000. They're using plants obviously, but even so, it's a weird set up and hard to believe that anyone would buy into this in the modern era.
The champion seems to be a Randy Savage impersonator named "Bonesaw", who is so pumped full of steroids that he's gone cross eyed.
We first meet our brand new challenger for the evening as he's hustled out from behind the curtain and is introduced as "The Human Spider". In the finest traditions of Colin Delaney, he appears to be about 5'4 and weighs just under 6 pounds. The crowd isn't exactly sympathetic to the maiming he's about to receive either, as they heckle him the whole way to the ring while inexplicably miming cutting their own limbs off with giant cardboard bone saws and holding up giant suggestive signs.
This unlucky sap is then informed that this will be a cage match, which appears to be news to him, and Bonesaw taunts him almost excessively.
Actually, it bears mentioning that while we're clearly supposed to be rooting for the kid, I am 100% in Bonesaw's corner here. You don't see guys with his kind of charisma everyday. So the match gets started and the first thing that happens is Bonesaw charges the Spider, and the Spider promptly vertical leaps about 15 feet straight up into the air and clings to the top of the cage.
I have to guess that everybody in attendance already knew about whatever wiring/jetpack contraption allowed him to do this, because nobody there seems to bat an eyelash at the fact that this random guy just broke the world record for vertical leaping and can apparently hang off things like a gargoyle with no effort involved at all. Bonesaw reasonable suggests that the Spider should come back down, only for the Spider to inexplicably start throwing homophobic insults at him. Bonesaw somewhat optimistically tries to jump up and grab the guy 15 feet off the ground, but the Spider just casually does a Shooting Star clear across the ring and lands on his feet POINTING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. Seriously, this is some CGI shit going on here, and I'm just as baffled as Bonesaw appears to be.
Throwing caution to the wind like the brave warrior he is, Bonesaw charges one more time only for the Spider to shoot some kind of webbing deal out of his hands into the top of the cage and use it to do a front flip another 15 feet in the air. Now if I were Bonesaw, at this point I would probably be trying to figure out why I got put into a match against some kind of goddamned movie monster, but trying to figure things out doesn't seem like it has figured much into Bonesaw's life experience thus far. He does have the ingenious idea to get a chair from one of the floozies at ringside and bash the Spider upside the head with it.
He crushes him 4 times with it and bodily slams him into the cage twice. The Spider sells this for all of 5 seconds, but Bonesaw doesn't much care. He grabs a crowbar from another young lady outside the ring and charges with it one more time. It's at this point that The Spider unleashes his deadly finishing move. Some kicks. Yes, this guy who was just doing ridiculous flips through the air like a conscientious gravity objector attempts to finish the match by sort of kicking Bonesaw like 6 times while still lying on the ground.
And it works.
Not only does this totally destroy Bonesaw, but he immediately afterwards takes the most ridiculously excessive monkey flip bump of all time, bouncing off the ropes on the other side of the ring and landing on his head. The referee walks over to Bonesaw, quickly counts to 4 and then proclaims that the Spider is winner and new champion. There's no mention of whether he survived the time limit trial or whether the key to becoming champion in this promotion is to be the first guy to monkey flip Bonesaw, or even if Bonesaw is dead and they're crowning his murderer. Nope. 6 kicks, monkey flip, new champion. Lame.
So yeah, this match blew. It was like 2 minutes long, and the only wrestling move performed at any point was a goddamned monkey flip. Unless you count the shooting star the Spider performed for no reason off the side of the cage across the ring. Which, while we're on the subject, WAS BATSHIT INSANE. They need to check this guy for PCP or something. That is not normal.
19 out of 100
RA: Well Cewsh, he'll be receiving a Lucha Libre DVD that looks tremendous and is filled with utter disappointment. He'll marvel at the remarkable feats of daring and athleticism implied on the cover before sadly ejecting it shortly thereafter after watching people he's enjoyed elsewhere stumble around sadly looking for a cheeseburger. But if nothing else, it will look wonderful sitting on a shelf.
Cewsh: It was only a matter of time before my Googling and random clicking led me to some kind of ridiculous indy show. And boy what a doozy it chose. Okay, okay, okay, okay. There's a lot to tackle here, and I'm going to rise to the challenge.
First of all, this event appears to be taking place in the front yard of someone's house, as evidenced by the random cars parked not 10 feet away from ringside and the disinterested looking people walking by. There appear to be fewer people in attendance than there would be for a public viewing of Gigli, but on the plus side at least some of them are actually facing the ring. That's a start. This video starts off with a fat guy motioning wildly for them to cut his music for about 30 straight seconds. When they finally do turn it off, he heckles the sound guy, who responds to these insults by immediately playing Cotton Eyed Joe, which made me chuckle and is clearly the high point of this video.
Now, the gentleman doing the talking here seems to be a man by the name of Jack Spade. He claims to be the most decorated champion in Wisconsin, and is very impressed with that accomplishment, despite it being slightly less impressive than being the world's tallest janitor. He also reveals that this is some kind of event to raise money for Muscular Dystrophy, before promptly saying that he doesn't think MD is a medical issue, but rather that it is the result of the person's parents having "poor constitution". At this point you can clearly hear someone in the audience say "Oh come ON" derisively, which Spade handles masterfully by suggesting that that woman ALSO has constipation. HOHO. Spade then begins talking up the random guy he has with him, and starts naming all sorts of credentials of the guy, including his father being a professional boxer who happened to go 15 rounds with Apollo Creed, and his mother actually being Hillary Swank. Not Hillary Swank's character from Million Dollar Baby. Just Hillary Swank.
So this can't actually get any worse right? Hahahahaha, nice try. Because then Spade hands the microphone over to said crony, who begins his promo with the words "If you have Muscular Dystrophy, you disrespect America." The echoing sound of my facepalm reverberating through the sonosphere kept me from hearing anything else, but somehow I'm guessing he didn't cut the promo of the year on the back of that sterling intro.
Clearly at some point, someone introduced the concept of heel heat to these gentlemen, but forgot to include the caveat of, "but if you happen to be at a fundraiser for a degenerative neurological disorder, for the love of god, don't mock the illness of the people there." And since this review is absolutely the most noteworthy thing either one of them has ever been a part of, allow me to provide my hearty unendorsement now. Should either of these two men happen to be wrestling in your town, feel free to stay home and watch Ghostbusters instead. Popcorn's on me.
Cewsh: Here at Cewsh Reviews we really try to be knowledgeable about as many aspects of the wrestling world as we possibly can, so we can be better able to explain the context behind what is going on in the matches we review, and so we can keep our finger on the pulse. So it's occasionally embarrassing when we come across a match that we can clearly tell has a lot of significance to it, and that is in a genre that we otherwise know quite a bit about, (specifically Joshi in this case,) that we nevertheless have no fucking idea what to make of. This was such a match, as a whacked out Sakura Hirota is punished by Lioness Asuka for taking the side of her arch rival, by having to compete in a match against a mystery opponent. That opponent, as you may have guessed, is the legendary Devil Masami, which is like Santino being given a mystery opponent and it turning out to be Bruno Sammartino.
Here's the part where we got lost. The entire match appears to be a kind of jokey tribute match to Masami, with people repeatedly doing gestures and moves that make the crowd laugh or react, but neither one of us is overly familiar with Masami's mannerisms, and so we basically just sat and watched while a procession of nostalgia spots occur that we had no reference point for. It was almost surreal, seeing a building full of people cheer loudly for someone hitting their opponent with their ass for no reason, and knowing that there's 20 years of history behind that behind. And the whole match proceeded that way, right up until Masami hit Hirota with what may be the most beautiful powerbomb ever executed by human hands and won.
I have spent a good while now trying vainly to research this in order to elaborate further, but dear reader I have failed you. Here in the third installment of the CRSMUTDC someone has actually stumped the Cewsh. But that's okay, everyone makes mistakes and nobody...has...to...feel bad...about...
60 out of 100
Mrs. Cewsh Note: Cewsh just ran into our bedroom with a tub of ice cream and started blaring Linkin Park. This might take awhile.
- On Seeing Devil Masami For The First Time
That is some 90's ass hair.
- About Both The Moves And Quality Of The Match
Everything about this match is ow.
- On Sakura Hirota
I hate this pink one so much. I can't wait for Masami to end her.
- On Masami Ending Her
This has pleased me.
RA: He's won an unauthorized collection of matches and segments loosely related to a dead women's wrestling company! GLOW was a standard bearer in the history of mainstream women's wrestling with many great moments, and now MMH will have the unique pleasure of owning a DVD that compiles almost none of those at all whatsoever and that got the creator sued for copyright infringement. Enjoy, MMH!
Cewsh: Okay, okay, I'm back. Nobody threw any temper tantrums or anything like that. Ahem. Back to business. Now, there are matches that make me scratch my head in puzzlement, and then there are matches that I don't even know why people even remembered well enough to request. This match is both.
This took place on Nitro in 1999, and features the most legendary portly arm wrestler that ever was, doing battle against a maskless Rey Mysterio. Now there are probably some of you who have never actually seen Rey Mysterio without his mask on, or who take such issue with the fact that he unmasked and then remasked that you refuse to acknowledge that this period ever took place, so to anyone who doesn't want it spoiled for them or who doesn't want to go into a rage fit, by all means look away now, because this picture is necessary.
I mean COME ON. How in the fuck did Eric Bischoff look at that guy and say "you know, this mask thing is really great and working for him, but he'd make us way more money if everyone knew he looked like a douchy 9 year old (Sorry Rey)." They pissed off an entire country and tossed aside decades of tradition and meaning so that Rey Mysterio could look like a member of gangster Menudo. He looks silly is the point I'm driving at. But hey, at least he's still a great wrestler, right? This is a big man vs. Rey Mysterio match, it must be fun, right? Yeah, not so much. See, first of all, Rey Mysterio gets in exactly one total offensive move in this entire 10 minute match. That isn't some kind of exaggeration I'm throwing in here to prove a point, he actually only does ONE MOVE and the entire rest of the match is Norton chucking him around the ring like the world's worst/best furniture mover.
So which move did he get in? An exciting hurracanrana? His famous 619? A triple powerbomb into an F-5? Nah. About 10 minutes in, Norton bumps the referee and Rey takes this opportunity to field goal kick Norton's nutsack halfway to Switzerland, which Norton sells like King Hippo in Mike Tyson's Punchout and falls down so Rey can pin him and win.
I'm not even going to get into whatever booking decisions brought this bad boy to life. If nothing else, Vice and I were almost in tears from laughing after the finish because we couldn't decide if it was the best or worst finish to a wrestling match that we had ever seen. I'm leaning towards best, but since this entire match could literally have been replicated by Norton wrestling an Ultimate Warrior pillow, I can't exactly give it high marks.
64 out of 100
Mrs. Cewsh's Notes:
- On Rey Mysterio's Whole Look
Oh Rey. He's wearing jorts. And no, those aren't jeans, he's just that short.
- On This Match
Rey is getting beaten down and is getting no offense. This is how you actually book an underdog. Getting beaten down like this will make the comeback so much better.
- When The Match Ended 5 Seconds Later Via Nutkick
WHAT?! WHAT?! COME ON!
And a hearty congratulations to the submitter of this match, Celifubiac. Show him what's he's won.
RA: He has won one of the great religious works of our time, by the bible booker himself, Vince Russo! This show has received some criticism from expert reviewers who are also handsome, but don't let that stop you from enjoy every second of this most holy of relics.
Cewsh: Okay, before we get into this, we don't have any readers remaining who don't know that I never watched a single bit of WCW live, right? We all know that that's an established fact? Just checking. And we are also all aware of my habit of carrying out passionate fandom love affairs with badass wrecking machines too, yes? Okay good. See, the reason that I'm telling you this is because HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS GOLDBERG IS SO AWESOME.
I mean I knew that he was totally awesome and all, and I knew that Diamond Dallas Page was a very capable wrestler, but this has to mark easily the finest in ring work of either man. Goldberg emerges from the back looking like a runaway siege engine, while Page stands his ground in the ring. Now this may be the thing that caused this match to stand out in so many people's minds as being special, because up until this, very, very few people had ever really come in with a gameplan against Goldberg and actually been fearless enough to have part of that plan be "charge that big fucker and kick his ass". But right from the get go, Page is coming after Goldberg, locking up with him willingly and being completely dominated just like you'd expect. But as remained a theme throughout the match, when Goldberg would throw Page down, Page would get right back up and surprise Goldberg with something he wasn't expecting. Again and again, Page seemed one step ahead of Goldberg, and even the announcers are commentating this thing in almost complete disbelief that Page is doing so well.
See, here's where the genius of the booking here, which deserves gobs of credit, as well as the quality of Page's performance comes in. Goldberg has been a wrecking machine like no other. But it has also been made clear that he's a relative rookie in terms of actually ring experience. So while he's a terrifying specimen and will kill you if he catches you, he's susceptible to tricks and counters because he doesn't know what to do about them. Since Page is pretty much a master of both, he just keeps confusing Goldberg time and again and frustrating the big man, until finally Goldberg makes a rookie mistake and walks right into the Diamond Cutter, which causes the entire crowd and the announcers to simultaneously yell out their own variations on "WHAT THE SHIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" But unfortunately for Page, the few blows Goldberg has been able to land have made Page too weak to cover right away, and he can't keep Goldberg down for three.
Now, it's very clear that Page's entire plan for this match revolved around tricking Goldberg into a Diamond Cutter. He doesn't have a plan for a prolonged match, and you can see the devastation on his face when Goldberg kicks out of his kill move. Page tries to improvise something, but when it comes to violent improvisation, yeah, Goldberg's gonna be better at that. In no time at all Page meets Dr. Speargood, and his trusty assistant Jack Hammer, and they make for an abrupt end to this contest.
A lot of people refer to this as Goldberg's best match, and it's easy to see why. A clear story was built here, with Page sticking to his plan, and Goldberg looking actually vulnerable as his only flaw is exploited, but still managing to triumph due to sheer badassitude. It felt like a big fight, and the atmosphere was undeniably electric, so this was really the perfect storm for a match of this type. It wasn't an all time classic, perhaps, and I think that Goldberg could have had many matches this good or better if he had been put in the position to, but it still was damn good.
88 out of 100
Cewsh's Download Seal of Approval
Vice: I loved WCW main events. They always felt so fucking huge because of Michael Buffer and the entrances/introductions/
And a hearty congratulations to the submitter of this match, MILLS. Show him what's he's won.
RA: Mills has won of copy of the action packed WWE Films thriller, 12 Rounds! Starring John Cena, this film is sure to go down as a classic in the film industry. To hear glowing praise about it, check out Cewsh and Vice's review of it and then enjoy it for yourself, you lucky dog you.
Cewsh: How about not one, but TWO of these things to warm you up for the main event?
I know. I spoil you.
There are 3 reasons I knew I need to give you more than one video here. 1) Because 2 is better than 1, obviously, 2) Because this isn't actually affiliated with any actual wrestling organization and 3) because I have discovered a veritable goldmine of comedy. And his name is ZOLDAN.
You see, in my random searching, I clicked on a video named "Zoldan's Wrestling Promo vs. Gunner". I've been trying to avoid things that didn't sound like real wrestling promos, but I figured maybe this was from some indy show that TNA's Gunner was doing. So imagine my surprise when I clicked play and was greeted to a mysterious young man standing in his back yard next to a broken down truck. He tells the camera that Gunner is not the best wrestler in "that room" but that instead, he is. He then looks off to the side of the screen and begins talking to his mother off camera. He asks who is at the door and then just stares slackjawed into space for the remainder of the video.
Now, after viewing this, I was all ready to just have a chuckle, hit the back button and find another video, since that one was hardly good enough to use on its own. But that's when I saw that Zoldan had a follow up this video, and I couldn't resist the opportunity to see what this mysterious gentleman had to say for himself.
Having seemingly upped his production budget by several dollars, Zoldan now has a theme song. The joy I derive from it knows no human boundaries. It is entirely produced, recording, performed and filmed by Zoldan himself and the results approach the sublime. Then we jump into a slightly diagonal Zoldan cutting a promo on Gunner. Curiously, he's cutting a promo based on the assumption that he, (Zoldan,) will be facing Gunner at Wrestlemania in two weeks. Which is an idea that I'm sure you can find at least two holes in. Now, it's worth mentioning that Zoldan has one of the weirdest speech patterns I've ever heard. He puts inflections on bizarrely out of place words, starts and stops talking fitfully, and seems to be trying to do the voice of the narrator of the Superfriends. Past that, here are some memorable quotes from this video:
"When the match happens I will show you I have no more demonstrations of my moves."
"It's more than just talk, it's ACTION."
"One of the reasons I know I can beat you on the mat for the 1-2-3 is that I'm a man and you're a woman. Not putting sexism into it."
"I could beat you by bench pressing 150 pounds."
"This is a non rehearsed promo."
Zoldan is like a Dave Chapelle skit gone terribly wrong. And he is glorious. GLORIOUS.
Oh, you know what? You've been good, you deserve to watch the music video for Zoldan's theme song. I feel safe in saying that we'll be hearing it in WWE sometime very soon.
Yeah. YEAH. Top that, Jim Johnston. Oh, and I'm sure many of you will suggest that he's in on the joke and acting in these videos. To you I suggest watching the other videos on his channel. I assure you, he is quite serious. And awesome. Awesomely serious.
Cewsh: During Brock Lesnar's initial run in WWE, he did a lot of incredible things and had a number of really great feuds. He faced Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania, beat the Rock at Summerslam and feuded with the Big Show for months. But perhaps his most significant feud happened when he came up against the WWE's resident rookie killer, the Undertaker. The feud that resulted was as heavy hitting as a feud can be without actively involving members of the Avengers, and really gave Lesnar that final step on his way to the very top of the industry, (which didn't work out so great, but hey, retrospect.) That's all awesome, and so much of the feud that led to this point was amazing and built off of the dangerous nature of both of these men, but for the record it may amuse you to know that this feud ALSO included revelations about Taker cheating on his wife with a random young lady that later turned out to be a hoax. So just remember that next time you wind up to insult TNA. WWE didn't just do the Styles/Claire storyline, they did it for no reason in the middle of the biggest feud of the year.
But regardless of all of that, the road for these two eventually led here, to Hell in a Cell. The idea being that while Lesnar may be a murderbeast from Planet KillDeath, he's still a rookie, and the much more experienced Undertaker can beat him with a plan and with home field advantage. If this sounds familiar, that's because it's basically the same plot as Goldberg/DDP, with one significant difference. In this match, the rookie killer is the bad guy, has the world's craziest manager, and Taker is coming in with a cast on his hand thanks to Brock Lesnar's enthusiasm for the harm doing.
As the match gets going, Taker is very much in control. This is his yard, and he knows how to pace himself and use the cage as a weapon, while Lesnar, for his part, appears to be totally out of his element altogether and seems mostly concerned with finding some way out of the cage. When he finally realizes that there isn't any, Lesnar starts taking a vicious beating, and seems lost altogether. But that's when Paul Heyman gets involved. Seeing his client in danger, he promptly activates his Plan B for any such situation: Act like a massive dickhead. After being insulted and screamed at by an incredibly vehement Paul Heyman for a few minutes, Taker finally can't take it anymore and attacks Heyman through the cage, even going so far as to grab his tie and use it to slam Heyman into the cage again and again and again. The crowd eats this up as Heyman lies in a pool of blood not saying much in particular at the moment, but their joy is shortlived as Lesnar finally gets exactly the opportunity he needs and goes right after the Undertaker's injured hand. Punching it, kicking it, stomping it, (perhaps even licking it,) Lesnar goes wild on the Deadman's injured mitt, and when Heyman revives himself, he feeds his belt through to Lesnar who uses it to tie Taker's hand to the cage and DEMOLISH IT with a chair at least 3 times in sickening fashion.
From here, the entire complexion of the match changes. Taker is hurting bad and knows that he's in serious trouble, and Lesnar can smell blood. Taker responds by pulling out virtually everything that he can possibly think of to do to slow Lesnar down, from a top rope elbow drop to a suicide dive, both extremely rare moves for him, if he had ever done them before at all. Taker knows his time is running out, and he needs a chance to breathe and figure out what to do from here. But Brock Lesnar just keeps coming back, again and again and again. Every time Taker knocks him down, Lesnar is right back up like some kind of movie monster, and it gets to the point where Taker almost appears to be hurting himself more than Lesnar with his offense. And then, when Taker finally begins to run out of steam altogether, Brock Lesnar picks up the steel steps and delivers two of the most unbelievably nasty stair shots ever performed before casually chucking the stairs out 15 feet over his shoulder all the way over the ring to the other side. And that's when it became crystal clear that this match was over. Taker may be a Deadman, and a damn tough one at that, but Lesnar isn't even human to start with. It's no time at all before Taker gives his one last desperate attempt at winning by going for a Tombstone, only to have it reversed by Lesnar and, in a moment so surreal I had to rewatch it 10 times, Lesnar takes him from the Tombstone position and CHUCKS HIM BODILY UP INTO THE AIR ONTO HIS SHOULDERS FOR AN F-5. The arena is practically silent with shock as the ref counts to 3 and mercifully ends the Undertaker's struggles.
Now, this isn't a perfect match. I saw more flaws in it, (kind of aimless first 10 minutes, Taker's random no selling of the arm, a very abrupt finish to a methodical match,) than I did the first time I watched it back when it first occurred. But regardless, this is a great, great match, and probably the crown jewel of Taker's whole American Badass persona. And beyond simply being a great match, this is one of the best put over jobs in wrestling history, as the storied and virtually unbeatable Undertaker gets beaten to a pulp and finally broken by this young monster set before him.It has a very Batman/Bane vibe to it, and believe me, that is not a bad thing at all. Not a bad thing at all.
93 out of 100
Cewsh's Download Seal of Approval
Brock Lesnar Over The Undertaker Following The F-5.
RA: For contributing our main event here tonight, Atty receives the grand prize and such a doozy it is. Slammed is a modern day marvel of fiction, where we will learn of the fate of two young men, (one of whom is the older brother from Home Improvement,) who decide to break into the wrestling industry and learn under the skilled direction of the weird guy who lived in the van on Step By Step. 90s teen idol icons try their hand at wrestling comedy. How can greatness not ensue?
Cewsh: Okay, I'll admit it. This time you guys actually went easy on us and for the most part provided us with a tremendously enjoyable sequence of great matches, (aside from whatever that Spider thing was.) As a result, I almost feel bad for all of your gifts being so definitively miserable, but when I think of the joy you'll all have opening your packages, popping some popcorn and being thoroughly saddened by the visual banquet before you, it makes it much easier for me to deal with. But regardless, you guys have once again helped to make this the premiere wrestling review event of the year and we thank you all thoroughly for participating and being awesometastic like only you can. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go invite Zoldan to join our review team.
Vice: Overall, this was an amazing “show” with a bit of everything. Even BONESAW. I’m fairly thankful that you guys did not choose to completely torture us this time around. Or maybe luck was just on our side, because I can’t remember all the matches that didn’t make the cut.
Cewsh Note: Luck was on our side. They're all horrible monsters who feed on our pain.
Alright, that'll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our flooptabulous spectacular show of shows, and remember that if you want a piece of this, it'll come right back around this time next year. Next up on the docket is our review of WWE Summerslam 2012. The biggest party of the summer, (aside from all of the parties that are actually parties,) is in the books and not only did we review it, but we signed on the world famous Turnip Queen as our new WWE show reviewer starting with this one. So look forward to that and in the meantime remember to keep reading and be good to one another.