Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…
TNA Slammiversary 2012
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only bacon flavored blog on the internet, (go ahead, lick your monitor,) Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we do something that we swore we would never do. Despite the fact that I’m sure you trust and believe in our very word implicitly, I’m afraid we’re going to have to go back on it and cave to the enormous pressure that our readership has been putting on us this week. Yes, that’s right boys and girls, tonight we’re returning to Orlando, Florida and lifting our embargo on TNA that has seen us review only one of their shows since February. Tonight, we will review TNA Slammiversary, AND GODS HELP YOU IF IT TURNS OUT TO SUCK.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We’re talking about TNA’s 10th anniversary show, and also TNA’s most attended live event in their history. On this special night we’ll see such titanic clashes as Kid Kash vs. Hernandez and Bobby Roode vs. one half of the Blade Runners. Probably some other stuff too. But we’re not just here to glad hand old timers. Gosh darn it, this is a wrestling show! So with a ten year burden of responsibility to live up to and make up for, it’s time for the denizens of the House of Impact to show us something, in what may be the best chance they will ever have again to change the perception that has plagued them. Can they do it? There’s only one way to find out.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!
Cewsh: If you weren’t aware prior to this moment, this is the tenth anniversary of the founding of TNA, (more or less.) As such, this is a video rife with imagery from TNA’s past as they try to make this company seem like one with a lengthy and proud history inside of 3 minutes. Mostly they show the same clips that you always see when they do this, like Jeff Jarrett fighting Toby Keith and Ken Shamrock winning the title, with the occasionally thing that actually was great and worth remember, like Joe/Angle or Ultimate X. I always wonder if TNA actually has any idea as that what moments in their history actually are fondly remembered by their fans, because you never see those in these videos. Joe/Daniels/Styles? Nope. Styles winning the World title in the passing of the torch from Sting? Nope. Angle/Anderson, Wolfe/Angle, Monty Brown, The Christian Coalition, Samoa Joe’s entire every from 2005-2008? A big fat nope, (no offense, Joe.) This isn’t really a criticism of them. Honestly, I’m sure the Toby Keith clip is the first one in their clips folder and they’ve got deadlines to meet. But when you stack the history that this video champions up against a video of WWE history from the same time period, it would just be depressing.
Segment 2 – Hulk Hogan Promo.
Cewsh: Okay, so here we are in front of the biggest crowd that TNA has ever drawn in America, on their 10th anniversary, and on what may be the most important show in the company’s history. And our very first impression IS...Hulk Hogan.
BUT, believe it or not, this really isn’t a bad thing. See, Hulk Hogan, for all of the issues that anyone could reasonably have with him, still has a quality to him that is really unique to him alone. When Hulk Hogan stands in front of a hot crowd, he works them up better than anyone else. He isn’t even good at promos or anything. There’s just something about the man that makes crowds ramp up just that little bit more when he looks in their direction. And so it is here, as Hogan walks out in front of a Texas crowd that is not just excited but RABID for him, and hypes up the show to come to huge cheers.
Especially By This Guy, Who is Dangerously Insane.
He announces that in the spirit of the 10 year anniversary, he’s lifting the weight limit on the X-Division Championship for one night and is making Joe vs. Aries a title match. Which is AWESOME. Hogan then walks off as the crowd chants his name, leaving me to wonder what TNA would be like if they performed in front of fans that actually wanted to see them. Because this show is 5 minutes old, and it already feels electric, even though TNA has done nothing different. There’s just something in the air…
Segment 3 – TNA X Division Championship – Austin Aries © vs. Samoa Joe
Vice: Holy shit this was a great way to start the show off. I'm glad these two got a solid chunk of time on PPV, because damn it paid off. Austin Aries continues to be the magnificent bastard that is the greatest man that ever lived, turning in a typically awesome performance. The real standout here, though, is Samoa Joe. He's one of the most questioned and doubted people in TNA these days, it seems, because he was once one of the most consistently awesome, entertaining people in all of wrestling for many years in ROH and TNA, and then.. he was horrible for a very, very long time. But every time he seems motivated, whether it be wrestling AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels, or now facing Austin Aries, the dude goes back in time and turns in a fucking fantastic performance. I'm not sure if it's a motivational thing, or he really does need smaller guys to bump around like a motherfucker for him, but THIS IS THE SAMOA JOE THAT I LOVE.
The only problem with this match is that it kicked the night off to such a fantastic degree that I don't think anybody will be able to top it. Who the fuck cares, though? This was great.
Another note here: Austin Aries' heatseeker pretty much just cemented itself as my favorite non-finishing move of all time. It's certainly been hovering at the top of my list for years now, but yeah. Favorite move.
Cewsh: It’s Austin Aries and Samoa Joe. What were you expecting?
Well, In Fairness, Not This.
83 out of 100
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval
Austin Aries Over Samoa Joe Following The Brainbuster.
Segment 4 – Kid Kash vs. Hernandez
Cewsh: If at any point prior to this show you looked at this card and were puzzled by this match being on it, and were hoping for me to enlighten you, you’re in for a grave disappointment. As near as I can figure, the only two reasons for either of these guys to be on the card at all was that Kash was making his comeback from injury, and Hernandez is from Texas, (a fact which nets him about 1/3rd of a shit from the audience). And since these are both things I found out DURING THE MATCH, I’m not thinking the expected to fill many seats with this one.
Now, if you have been following the career of Mr. Hernandez here, you may already be aware that there are actually two Hernandezs. There’s the Hernandez who throws people around and performs insane feats of strength and athleticism that make the crowd go nuts, and there’s the Hernandez who just kind of stands around and seems like he’s doing his best impression of Matt Morgan. Luckily for all of us, the first Hernandez comes out here as he throws Kash all over the place in a most satisfying way, before jumping about 6 feet directly into the air and about 10 feet through it to land on Kash just for the fuck of it.
Jesus Is A Mexican Guy With A Bad Moustache.
For about the 100th time, I have no idea what to make of the man. It seems like whenever he’s pushed to the slightest extent, he just completely disappears as a performer, and then when the pressure’s off he promptly busts out all kinds of craziness and wrenches attention back to him. With him on the wrong side of 40, I’m thinking that his chance to be a real star in TNA has come and gone, but I wouldn’t put it past TNA to try to push him in that way again. How could I? The man is the biggest tease since Gypsy Rose Lee.
71 out of 100
Vice: Why was this on PPV?
It wasn't a terrible match, but it's so completely random. And it's just about what you would expect. Kid Kash botches lots of shit while not selling much, and Hernandez rampaging around like a bull with zero fucks given about gravity. The highlight has to be a beautiful splash off the top ropes by Hernandez. It was so utterly graceful that it boggles my mind. It was almost like Jesus Christ on the cross, tipping over onto somebody. If I've offended any Christians by saying this, I'm sorry you have those crazy kinds of beliefs. Bring on the religious war!
Also, Hernandez has suddenly aged like 20 years in the past two months. It's absurd.
GTM Stands For "Got That Medicare".
Hernandez Over Kid Kash Following A Jesus Splash
Segment 5 – Devon and Garrett Bischoff vs. Robbie E and Robbie T
Cewsh: There are so many things to talk about in this match that have nothing to do with the match itself. Whether it be the continued overness of Devon despite no booking help, or the continued ruining of any chance of a future for Garrett, or the adorable awesomeness that is Robbie E and Big Robbie T these days. But we’ve covered all of that fairly in depth in the past, so instead let’s talk about the completely decent match.
Now this is your very basic tag team dealy, for the most part. Garrett catches himself a beating at the hands of the dastardly, spiky haired heels until Devon gets tagged in to wreck havoc, etc, etc. Things roll along nicely along these lines until Big Robbie T decides to start CHEATIN’ He tries to blindside everyone he can, seemingly unable to grasp the idea that he’s the size of a brick wall on steroids and therefore isn’t much good at the sneaking. It all goes to hell for the Robbie Boys and Devon crushes Robbie E to beat him for what must be the 700[SUP]th[/SUP] time in a row. But there truly is something to be said for a nice, laid back tag match in the middle of a good show, and there’s even more to say for it if the crowd is LOUDLY in support of one guy, (Devon,) and LOUDLY opposed to another, (Robbie E.) This isn’t going to blow anyone’s socks off, or really even be remembered after this show is over and everyone has moved on. But as these things go, you could do a whole helluva lot worse than this with 8 minutes of your time.
70 out of 100
Vice: Garrett Bischoff trended on Twitter. That is worse than Matt Morgan trending. Basically, this 100% confirms that showing off Twitter statistics to pimp your product is entirely meaningless.
Could Be Worse.
Devon and Bischoff Over Robbie E and Robbie T Following A Book End.
Segment 6 – From The Man Behind Curry Man And Suicide, We Bring You Christopher Daniels: Bartender.
Cewsh: We go backstage with our tag team champions, Kazarian and Christopher Daniels. Kazarian decides that he wants to talk first, I just try to guess the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper until it appears that he is done nattering on. At which point Christopher Daniels wanders up with two appletinis and hands one to Borash, who looks bizarrely unhappy for someone who has been given permission to drink at work. Daniels toasts to the future of their tag team, and to his masterful double dealing in the matter of the Dixie/Styles affair, (we’re not getting into that just yet.) Then he promptly takes his appletini back because Borash didn’t appreciate it enough.
That's The Look Of A Man Who Knows Urine When He Sees It.
Segment 7 – Number 1 Contendership – Rob Van Dam vs. Ken Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy
Cewsh: While this would be an excellent time to discuss the back story to this match, I’m not really sure that that is even necessary at this point. It seems like some combination of these three guys has been feuding for the number one contendership for about 8 straight years. The only thing that breaks up this endless race for the silver is when one of them actually wins, only to ultimately fail miserably in their bid to win the title. So it’s a story we’ve seen before, participants we’ve seen wrestle before and for a prize we’ve seen them all win before, and recently at that. Somehow I think that even if you showed this to a person watching their very first wrestling match, it would still seem redundant and tired. But heeeeeeeere we go.
Vice: This was a surprisingly fun little match. Lots of good spots featuring the three guys, and they all have good chemistry together. I'm glad they have chemistry together, for the fact that these guys have seemingly been feuding FOREVER. Whatever though, because it makes for good matches.
I enjoyed Jeff Hardy starting the match off with a coin flip to distract RVD. It's such a simple thing to do, and some might find it very silly, but it's pretty damn creative all things considered. My ideal scenario for this match would be this:
Bell rings. All three men stare each other down like they normally do in triple threats. Then Mr. Anderson reaches in his trunks and pulls out a bag full of drugs. He waves it around in the air, catching the attention of RVD and Hardy. Once both of them are locked onto it and practically salivating, Anderson chucks the bag as far as he can towards the entrance ramp. RVD and Hardy dive out of the ring and race to it, fighting along the way. As they beat the shit out of each other for it, Anderson just stands in the center of the ring just laughing his ass off as he gets the countout victory and title shot.
It'd be the best match ever. Especially if RVD and Jeff Hardy were later suspended for drug use to continue the storyline.
Cewsh: Hell, at least that would be different.
Look, I appreciate that these guys are trying. Hell, there are things in this match which were nifty and special, like Jeff’s coin flip to start or Anderson awesomely reversing the Rolling Thunder into a Mic Check to get the win. That stuff was super cool. But no amount of that sort of stuff makes me want to see any of these guys interact with the others any longer, even if it is a perfectly good match with a cool ending, (which it was.) Maybe that’s my own hang up, and I’m just too quick to become restless with this sort of thing. Its entirely possible that this is true. But while this was a good match and will get a good score, my heart isn’t all the way in it, because nothing here really spoke to me.
76 out of 100
Ken Anderson Over Everyone Else Following The Mic Check.
Segment 8 – Crimson vs. James Storm
Cewsh: So here’s the deal. Crimson entered TNA a little over a year ago, and, as you may be aware, he hasn’t been beaten in all of that time. The majority of his wins weren’t exactly clean and some of them weren’t even actual wins, but DAMMIT HE’S UNDEFEATED. So the story surrounding this match is that Crimson has determined that there is no more competition left on his level and is issuing an open challenge to anyone, anywhere to come and try to take his streak from him. As you can probably guess from the segment header, his open challenge is answered by none other than that beer swilling, burglary foiling, Tennessee redneck himself, James Storm.
Now, there’s a lot of generally negative sentiment from people towards Crimson. This is exceedingly fair since they used everything short of KY Jelly and a sledgehammer to cram him down our throats all last year when he hasn’t ready at all for such a spotlight on himself. But in more recent days, as he’s become very comfortable in his new heel role, he’s showing an entertaining side of himself that hardly anyone ever expected to be there. Which is good for him and all, but it doesn’t stop Storm from kicking his monkey fucking ass all over the ring before decisively beating him to the end the streak in ridiculously anticlimactic fashion.
"It's ALSO Mean."
See, here’s the thing. If they ended the streak because they realized that it was a booking paradox that made it impossible for Crimson to do anything more than tread water, then they made the right decision, (even if it resulted in an anti climactic wank fest.) I could live with that, because otherwise, where would Crimson even go from here? But if they beat Crimson here for any reason OTHER than that one, you may as well kiss any future in TNA for that guy goodbye, because he’s going to quickly board to bullet train to “unbooked” territory, along with D’Angelo Dinero, Doug Williams and Rhino.
Wait, what do you mean Rhino doesn’t work here anymore? Where does he work then? Jiffy Lube? The one on Main? Well I could use an oil change. I’ll be back in a minute…
67 out of 100
Vice: So, they give a guy a winning streak that is well over a year long, and then have him get squashed in 2 minutes. That is a bit retarded. However, I'm kind of relieved here, because it means they can actually DO SOMETHING with Crimson. That's one of the big reasons I hate winning streaks, because a lot of the time they give them to guys who aren't going to be going for the title at any time in the foreseeable future, so they fuck around doing absolutely fuck all for months while talking about how great they are and have no one to face. No one to face?? How about the entire damn upper card. I know they wanted Storm looking strong, but they could have had it be a bit more competitive to make Crimson look better. He's never really faced a main eventer, so let him show that he can hang with them for a while but he's juuuuust not quite good enough.
He's A Pretty Good Place To Wipe Your Boot Off.
This was just wacky. That said, I'm kind of curious to see where it goes.
James Storm Over Crimson Following The Last Call.
Segment 9 – Austin Aries Is The Greatest Man In The World.
Cewsh: But he’s still god awful at serious promos. Luckily, he’s so far ahead in every other category that he still stays ahead of the pack.
Anyway, Aries is backstage with Borash and he muses that it may be time for him to put the X-Division aside, now that he has beaten all possible challengers, and concentrate soley on the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. This idea seems to please him greatly, and why shouldn’t it? After all, if I’m not mistaken, the next PPV on the calendar would seem to suggest a certain destination. Perhaps one involving an X?
Segment 10 – The First Inductee Into The TNA Hall of Fame Is…
Cewsh: Sting. It’s Sting.
Just Look At How Excited He Is To Win!
But while we here in future town know that quite well, it certainly didn’t seem like the wrestlers did, as they all bundled out onto the ramp to await the announcement of who was going to be the primary representative of TNA’s first decade? There are several people who reasonably could have expected to be chosen here, (though why guys like Hernandez looked so pensive, I have no idea.) But of all of them, AJ Styles stands out in front, and both the fans, the wrestlers and AJ himself seem to regard him as the obvious choice. So, naturally, they chose Sting instead.
Sting, for his part, strolled sheepishly into the ring to give a brief and very genuine speech about how much the fans and this company have meant to him and about how he hopes to continue entertaining everyone, but he seems just as surprised as anyone to have been chosen for the award, and then wanders off since the actual induction isn’t for ANOTHER FOUR MONTHS. I guess that’ll give him plenty of time to clear off a space on his, “Achievements That Are Worth Nothing” shelf.
Segment 11 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Gail Kim © vs. Miss Tessmacher
Vice: When did Tessmacher become a respectable wrestler? She's made some weird transition from being an absurdly hot woman who is clunky in the ring to an absurdly hot wrestler. I don't know when it happened, but this is good.
The match was much better than it had any right to be, which was a very pleasant surprise. Speaking of pleasant, have you ever looked at Tessmacher's bottom? Hot. Spicy. Probably tastes great.
And, Ahem, Mrs. Kim Isn't Too Shabby Herself.
Cewsh: When Vice says she’s made the transition from random eye candy to wrestler, that isn’t his secret way of suggesting that she has become a jelly doughnut salesman. He actually means it and so do I. As a matter of fact, I would be hard pressed to name anyone in recent memory who has made such incredibly dramatic strides in terms of match quality in such a short time as Miss Tessmacher has ever since she formed her team with Tara. We made fun of her plenty then, (though we generally tried to give her the benefit of the doubt,) but there is no coddling required in order to give praise to both her and this match, as both were surprisingly good.
It shouldn’t really come as much of a surprise that they’d do well together, though, as they just had an even better match last month, which resulted in Gail using every inch of leverage that she could wring out of the ropes to pin Tessmacher. In this match, Tessmacher was a little bit wiser in her second title opportunity, and made a point of staying with Gail counter for counter throughout the match trying to negate the experience advantage and show Gail that she had no fear. Multiple times this seemed about to backfire on our brave Texan, but she fought back and fired up, and somehow managed to shock Gail with a roll up that netted Miss Tessmacher with not only the 3 count, but also with the TNA Knockouts Championship for the first time in her career.
Now, I know there are going to be people who roll their eyes and hold up this result as some sort of sign that TNA has no idea what it is doing. If I just read spoilers, I would probably think exactly the same thing. But TNA has been desperately searching for a babyface to head up their division ever since Gail left the first time. Taylor Wilde failed, Mickie James failed, Velvet Sky failed. But you know what? I’m putting my money on Tessmacher. This lady is going the distance.
Bank on it.
77 out of 100
Miss Tessmacher Over Gail Kim Following A Victory Roll.
Segment 12 – No Hold’s Barred – Joseph Park vs. Bully Ray
Vice: After years of shitting on Abyss for being stale, and oftentimes dreadful, he has gone on to ditch the mask , cut his hair, and adopt a new persona. And you know what? He's utterly spectacular at it. You know how Christopher Daniels can be the most boring man alive (I STILL LOVE HIM), then suddenly he puts on a ridiculous mask and dances around as Curry Man while speaking Japanese, and is the most entertaining man in the world? Abyss transforming into Joseph Park is an even BETTER metamorphosis. It's spectacular to watch, as he ditches every single mannerism that was Abyss and is a completely different guy. If I didn't know it was Abyss, and I was casually watching, I would not have guessed it was actually him. He's completely different, and it's amazing.
The best part? He's over as shit. The fans were 100% behind him here, and a lot of it was because Park is so great at getting sympathy with his mannerisms and character, despite being a HUGE guy. This was a great, fun match. I was going in kind of afraid, but I was so happy afterward.
This is GREAT.
We're Just As Surprised As You Are, Joe.
Cewsh: I truly have nothing to say that Vice didn’t say first. This may well have been among the handful of finest acting performances that I have ever seen in a wrestling ring. Somehow he not only made a 6’8, 350 man seem vulnerable and sympathetic in a fight with a smaller guy, but he got the crowd so behind him that I thought I was watching an Austin match taking place. The fans were over the moon in love with him, and god help me, after that performance, I am too.
83 out of 100
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval
Joseph Park Over Bully Ray Following Shenanigans.
Segment 13 – If You Close Your Eyes, You’ll Miss This Entire Thing.
Cewsh: Have you ever been watching something and gotten the very real impression that the person you were watching really very badly wanted to be somewhere else. Like, you could see in their face that they had absolutely no desire to continue on doing what they were doing but were being forced to for whatever reason? If you’ve watched pornography, this is probably a very familiar expression. Well when Christian came on down to the ring for his much hyped appearance on this show, let’s just say that there are young ladies in adult videos with more enthusiasm than he was mustering.
"Why Are You People Even Here?"
The man of the hour comes down to the ring, says that things are the same as when he left, but also different, and then throws to a video. Aaaaaaaand that’s about it. So all of that speculation as to what his presence on the show could mean, and all of the debates about what this could lead to may as well have been about how likely it is for Alf to get back on the air for all the relevance they have. WWE got Ric Flair for a night, TNA got Christian in return. And while it is interesting that they have even this much of a relationship with one another, that doesn’t stop this from being about as big a waste of time as it was possible to be.
Now will someone please get Christian back to Connecticut before he shoots himself?
"Hey, I Can Almost See My Giant Paycheck From Here."
Segment 14 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Christopher Daniels © and Frankie Kazarian© vs. Kurt Angle and AJ Styles
Cewsh: When was the last time you saw Kurt Angle have fun in a wrestling ring? I mean really seem to be enjoying himself. Was it in his early days of TNA? Was it in WWE? Was it so long ago that it could be going through puberty? It’s hard to say. Injuries, issues and having to carry the workrate aspect of TNA’s main event for a solid 5 years now have taken their toll on the man. But here, as he gets to just relax and have himself a 12 minute sprint with some X-Division guys, the man seems to be absolutely beaming as he hurtles around and keeps up with the younger guys effortlessly. Make no mistake, this match is a spotfest. And it is a spotfest conducted by some of the best spot monkeys that wrestling has ever seen, (yes, including you, Kurt.) These guys throw every kind of wacky move at each other. From Kurt Angle german suplexing two dudes at the same time...
...to AJ Styles defying gravity and performing a move so spectacular that Kurt actually stops what he’s doing to gape at AJ in astonishment.
AJ Styles Is 34. Just Putting That Out There.
So what do you get when Kurt Angle is having fun? Well for one thing, you get good matches, because Kurt seems to drop 10 years in ring wear everytime he seems to actually want to be there doing what he’s doing. Secondly, you get an infectious enthusiasm that the other guys clearly shared, as every busts every rabbit out of all of their proverbial hats. And they should all get great credit for doing so, even if every rabbit that Kazarian pulled out was named Bicycle Kick.
Now this wasn’t a great match, to be sure. The damn thing had no actual structure, and let’s remember that this was supposed to be AJ’s big revenge for Daniels and Kazarian revealing his affair with Dixie Carter to the world, (that’s a story for another time.) Considering that AJ has shown himself to be one of the most capable grudge match wrestlers in the company, (if not in the entire world,) I’m going to have to label this as a bit of a failure in that regard. But hell, fun was had, oohs were aahed, and Kurt Angle had more fun than your kid in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. What could be wrong with that?
78 out of 100
Vice: I had a lot of fun watching this match. If you break it down, obsess over how little story it actually had, whatever, you have a lot to shit on. But I stopped giving a shit like 3 minutes in and just downright enjoyed the spotiness of it.
AJ and Kurt are just a great combination. Both are fucking great at getting the hot tag, and both can muster up a lot of sympathy. So it works wonderfully, as it never feels like time is just being wasted until the better person comes in to make it entertaining. Daniels and Kazarian are also a good team together. They have a bit more teamwork together, which is good. I'd say that ol' Frankie is definitely the weak link of the two, but he does his part well enough, and being in a tag team covers some of his weaknesses. It's also good that Kazarian really turns up when it's PPV time.
This was enjoyable. Curious to see where AJ and Kurt go from here.
Kurt Angle And AJ Styles Over Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian Following An Anklelock For Angle To Kazarian.
Segment 15 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Bobby Roode © vs. Sting
Cewsh: All hail King Robertus Roodus, ruler of the kingdom of impacts! And hail him we should. After all, Mr. Roode has just earned the mark as the longest reigning TNA World Heavyweight Champion of all time, (which doesn’t include the NWA belt, because that is totally still Jarrett.) For months now, Roode has continued to stymie Dixie Carter and TNA by retaining his championship against any odds and by any means necessary, and the entire organization is desperately chomping at the bit to get that title off of this disrespectful young legend in the making. With all other options exhausted, Hulk Hogan has finally named Sting as the next to play Roode Roulette. And in Roode Roulette there is only one rule. Beat the house, or go home with nothing.
As the match begins, (after Robert Roode’s entrance, which is by far the best in wrestling,) Sting goes ahead and starts doling out heaping piles of ass whompings all over Roode. As you might expect, Sting’s plan in this match is to try to out think Roode and finish him quickly, because Sting knows full well that Roode is younger, more athletic and more technically sound than he is, and he doesn’t want to give Roode a chance to find a way to worm out of this. He stays all over Roode as much as possible in the early minutes, as Roode fights back to the best of his ability under the onslaught. Sting even manages to lock in the Scorpion Death Lock once, but it’s just too early and a fresh Roode muscles his way out of it.
Before too long, it becomes entirely obvious to Roode that he’s not going to be able to beat Sting by any sort of conventional methods. He goes to grab the beer bottles, but it cut off at the pass and beaten up even more by Sting, as the Stinger sees the gold his boss and friend so badly needs to get back, nearly in his grasp. But Roode is Roode. It only takes one momentary distraction on Sting’s part to give Roode all the time he needs to grab a beer bottle and smash over the legend’s face while the ref isn’t looking. Retaining the title once again in a manner no champion could ever be proud of. Furious at being made a fool of in such an important match, Sting beats Roode all the way up the stage before promptly Scorpion Death Dropping him off the side and into a big pile of random soft things. Which is just as well, since the Scorpion Death Drop is possible the stupidest move that it is possible to perform on someone off of a stage. But hey, he’s the veteran, not me.
Nice Of You To Cushion His Entire Landing, Sting.
This was a fine match. As a main event, it capped the night nicely and didn’t do much to offend the senses, which I suppose we should be thankful for. Roode and Sting were both very good at their jobs here and, for the most part, all was well. Aside from the ending being about as abrupt as it is possible for it to have been without featuring both men just wandering off and going home mid headlock, things were pretty darn good.
And since this is TNA we’re talking about, that might make this a main event worthy of being in highlight packages.
76 out of 100
Vice: If there was any time for Roode to get a nice, clean win to truly cement himself, this was the time. Unfortunately, he won in extremely anticlimactic fashion. I was enjoying the match more than I thought I would, and was really feelin' Sting for the first time in a while. He put on a great performance here.
It's just.. the finish sucked. I kind of understand it, and I actually love how it references James Storm and foreshadows their inevitable next confrontation, but the match really did end fairly abruptly. Had they built to it more, I don't think I'd be complaining. But just as I was getting into it.. BLAP.
Whatever. Roode is awesome, and his music is so good that I almost wish he'd just squash people every night so I can hear his theme some more. The post-match stuff was fun, with Sting going fucking crazy. The Scorpion Death Drop off the stage was pretty sick, and Sting even managed to crack his head open a bit in the process with zero fucks given.
Wait, Is That The Blair Witch Symbol On His Forehead?
For an old man, he definitely still has it.
Bobby Roode Over Sting Following Shenanigans.
Cewsh: Okay, what the hell is going on around here?
Here we are, kicking back and enjoying our free time in sunny Jetpackistan, completely content in our decision to completely ostracize TNA from all of our happenings; when all of a sudden this show comes along. All of a sudden people are begging us to give TNA another chance, and then when we do, the show proceeds to be thoroughly and consistently good. Not just great in spurts, or good enough to make up for the bad parts, but genuinely high quality and enjoyable in EVERY SINGLE SEGMENT ON THE SHOW. The shockingly rabid crowd had a lot to do with that, but I want to be absolutely clear in giving credit where credit is due. TNA has, through smart talent acquisition and careful booking, crafted a show that revolves around tremendous performances by improbable performers. I want to be careful in having confidence in this continuing, because we’ve been cut more times to a masochistic librarian in our attempts to believe in TNA. But I have to say, with the infrastructure that they have built, and with the talent they have in place…well let’s just say it’s really difficult to stop myself from getting carried away.
Did this show undo all of the bad that TNA had done before? No, not even close. But was it a strong stride towards credibility? Yes, it damn sure was.
Cewsh’s Final Score: 75.66 out of 100
Vice: Despite a few hiccups here and there and a Kid Kash match, this was actually a very entertaining show that featured a bit of everything, and showed off how good TNA can be. If they could consistently put shows on with this kind of quality, I would be happy to watch every month. The pessimist in me fears they will return to old habits sooner than later, though.
Also, the show was made infinitely better by having a big, loud crowd that was into almost everything. Far too often it's crickets or the fans just entertaining themselves. This was very different, and I loved it.
Vice’s Final Score: 76 out of 100
Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed that we actually put out some content for a change, and we’ll be back up in your face like whoa in no time. Specifically we’ll be bringing you a very rare double review of WWE Over the Limit and WWE No Way Out, giving us a rare chance to compare and contrast two shows in two separate months, and also giving us a chance to pretend like we’re not lazy bastards for once. And then, after that, its time for the big kahuna itself, the CRSMUTDC3. So stay tuned as we try to remember how this whole review thing works after a stupid 3 weeks off, and meanwhile remember to keep reading and be good to one another.