Here there be spoilers.

If you are new or looking to AVOID the spoilers, go here now.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of reviews, there are spoilers inside all the cuts. Don't want them? Turn around, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and click the pretty link at the top.

If you ignore this and read a spoiler anyway, don't come crying to us. We did warn you.

If you are looking for the archive of past episodes of Cewshcast 5000, you can find it here.

December 27, 2009

Vice's 2009 Year End Awards.

Unlike Cewsh, I don't hand out actual scores for individual matches, so I don't really have any hard statistics to come up with stuff for "Best" categories. I just have favorites. I should point out that year end awards are very difficult for me to do, because I don't have any concept of time. To prove that, one of my very first thoughts for favorite match of this year was actually from 2007. You could say that my memory is similar to that of a goldfish. Ironically, the only thing that can truly help solve my memory problems is something that commonly destroys short term memory. Life, right?

And this is late because I wanted to wait until the veeeeeery end of the year before reaching conclusions. If you believed that, I may as well tell you that the Tooth Fairy is real, and that she's actually a prostitute named Janet who lives in New York. Yes, Vice is lazy. Also, I don't know who the fuck came up with the idea of doing extra stuff on Sundays, because my Sundays are very similar to the life of Al Bundy. Fending off women with a hand halfway down my pants, watching bad television and eating, is the best way to live life.

Anyway, I haz awordz and you can haz them two.

December 20, 2009

The 1st Annual CR Year End Awards

Welcome cats and kittens to the very first annual Cewsh Reviews End Of Year Awards extravaganza. Now if you're a good little member of the Vice Brigade, you already read Ms. Cewsh's awards last week and got an idea for how this sort of thing goes, but just in case, here's a refresher We've reviewed dozens of matches and shows from all over the world this year to come to these conclusions, so if you were wondering whether or not we pulled them entirely out of our asses, well, probably not. You know, depending on whether or not we were feeling lazy that day.

The basic idea, for those of you late to the party, is that all three of us will use the same awards from the first two categories (Good and Bad), and then go off on whatever wackiness we want for the final category (The aptly named Tanooki). The complicated bits are the Best and Worst Wrestler of the Year awards, so listen up. I took the scores I gave every single match had this year, and averaged the scores of every eligible wrestler. To become eligible you must have wrestled at least 3 matches that we reviewed.

By the end of the process there were over 140 candidates for Best and Worst, and you can do the math for yourself by downloading this handy copy of the scoring sheet. The wrestlers are ranked in order by the their average scores from the Best of the Year, to the bitter end.

Alright, everybody good? Nobody fall asleep during that? Well then let's let down the curtains, fire up the band, and get this jungle party started, motherfuckers!

The Good:

(Best Reviewed) Match of the Year:

John Cena vs. Edge - Last Man Standing - WWE Backlash

Favorite Match of the Year:
Legacy vs. D-Generation X - WWE Summerslam

Wrestler of the Year:
Hiroshi Tanahashi

Favorite Wrestler of the Year:

CM Punk

Diva of the Year:


Favorite Diva of the Year:

Beth Phoenix

Show of the Year:

WWE No Way Out

Best Mic Skills of the Year:
CM Punk

Best Gimmick of the Year:
"The Viper" Randy Orton
I Hear Voices In My Head, They Council Me, They Understand, They Talk To Me.

Best Entrance:

The Main Event Mafia

Rookie of the Year:

Drew McIntyre

The Bad:

Worst (Reviewed) Match of the Year:

Vickie Guerrero vs. Santina - Hog Pen Match - WWE Extreme Rules

Least Favorite Match of the Year:

Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton - WWE No Way Out

Worst Wrestler of the Year:

Toru Makabe

Least Favorite Wrestler of the Year:

Mick Foley

Worst Diva of the Year:

Sojourner Bolt

Least Favorite Diva of the Year:


Worst Mic Skills of the Year:

Worst Gimmick of the Year:

"Nation of Violence" Samoa Joe

Worst Entrance of the Year:

Matt Hardy

Veteran Most in Need of Retirement:

Sting (Better Late Than Never)

The Tanooki

Best Vice and Cewsh Impersonators:

Masada and Tank

Gif of The Year

Michelle McCool Pwns Melina

Err...Other Gif Of The Year

Jenna Morrasca Pwns All Males In the Viewing Audience

Best Excuse Vice Gave Me This Year:

The Midgar Zolom Steals Vice

Best Picture We Used Even Though It Made No Sense.

Kittens Rule

Moment of the Year

Us Reviewing This Without Killing Ourselves.

Alright, that'll do it for me this year, kiddos. Stay tuned next week for Vice's Awards Gala, and stayed tuned through the year to come for some new ideas, some crazy shows, and an endless supply of wit and wisdom from your beloved Cewsh Reviews staff. So from all of us here at the Headquarters, we wish you a Happy Holidays and an exciting New Year.

And cake. Fucking right we wish you cake.

TNA Final Resolution 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…


Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of the universal winner for wrestling blog of the year (from our mothers, and even then it was close). Tonight we have a special treat as we shuffle our sexy asses on down to Orlando to cover TNA’s Final Resolution PPV. This is the last big PPV of the year here in America, and it caps off what has truly been a year or turbulent and trying times for TNA. From the success (and subsequent failure) of the Main Event Mafia, to the rise of AJ Styles and the fall of Samoa Joe. And from the fall of Jeff Jarrett to the rise of Hulk Hogan, this has been perhaps the most important and memorable year in the history of TNA, and with the ground ever shifting under their feet they’ve come to a crossroads.

Last month, their PPV actually beat out WWE’s for the first time this year, and with a lackluster offering from WWE’s TLC, they have the potential tonight to do it again. Are we seeing the beginning of a true wrestling war? Can TNA keep up this momentum and ride it to ultimate success? Will Kevin Nash whisk Ms. Cewsh off in the night to his decadent palace of lovemaking? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

December 13, 2009

WWE Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the death defyingest wrestling review in the blogosphere (whatever that is), Cewsh Reviews! Today we have a special treat for you all as we take a break from the sober trappings of our Mitsuharu Misawa tribute reviews and, instead, review the latest in WWE’s theme PPV’s, the vaguely named Tables Ladders and Chairs 2009. Will there be tables? Will there be ladders? Will there be chairs? Will there be ponies? Will there be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures? Will anyone lay a finger on my Butterfinger? We have the answers and the only way to get them is to give us each a pony in the color of our choosing. I’d like orange. Or I guess you could read on. If you have no holiday spirit. GRINCH.

This Is You.

What I do know is that we are three deep (minds out of the gutter, people) this week, with the lovely Ms. Cewsh joining Vice and I to break down a night that just might change the WWE as we know it. Or not. You know, whichever. Regardless, make sure, after the review, that you hop on over to the Cewsh Reviews blog to check out the lovely Ms. Cewsh's End of Year Awards if you hadn't already. And keep an eye out this Sunday for mine and next Sunday for Vice's as we roll on towards the new year.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Mrs.Cewsh's 2009 Year End Awards

Welcome ducklings another fine Sunday Supplement. We here at the Cewsh Reviews team love something very much. It's not breasts, or silly nicknames, or John Cena matches. It's lists. And with three weeks left until the end of the year, I am pleased to bring you the first of a three part SS series, the Cewsh Reviews Team's End of Year Awards. Please insert your own fanfare and pyro here, the recession hurts all of us.

Starting with moi, we will each bring you a variety best/worst/favorite/least favorite moments from the past 12 months. Some are obvious. Some are silly. Some will feature cats. Keep in mind, we all watch and review different things, and our journalistic integrity keeps us from factoring in shows we haven't seen. Even though I've watched Vice's Need to Bleed video enough times I can play in in my mind, Ian Rotten won't factor into my list. Got it? Good.

(For my best/worst matches and wrestlers, I disqualified the time I gave a match a -5, as well as the time I gave a match a 120/100. R-Truth was the worst and Shelton was the wrestler of the year. Yeah, I'll work on that in the future.)

With that in mind, lets do a mother-fucking awards show!