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August 23, 2009

WWE Summerslam 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…



WWE SUMMERSLAM 2009




Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of the controversially C.O.B.R.A. affiliated Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a special treat in store for you, and even if we didn’t WWE would as, we bring you exclusive (at least exclusive to us) coverage of the biggest event of the summer, WWE Summerslam 2009! Now there are a lot of shows during the year that we review, but there’s always something special in the air when one of the really big shows rolls along, and it is our honor to review arguably the second biggest wrestling show of the year for the very first time.

Will WWE put on a show worthy of this stature? Will we mark out like children for another CM Punk main event? Why does Cewsh always ask rhetorical questions in threes? These questions will all be answered in good time. Or they won’t. I’m not a psychic. What I can tell you is that Ms. Cewsh came to Cewsh Review Headquarters, saw the mess we’d made of the place, and came along for the ride this time to class it up. So everyone on their best manners (HA) as we embark on the summers greatest thrill ride.





Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!


Cewsh: I know that a lot of people really feel strongly about their distaste for the new version of DX. They say it bastardizes the original, is too corny, has humor that only appeal to children, etc. Some of that might be true. Regardless I find them adorable and they can stay around forever as far as I’m concerned. Shawn is priceless as the goofy comedy guy, and you can just tell how much fun Triple H has reacting to him. Here they interrupt the opening video to crack some jokes and bash on Legacy, and why not? This show is about them anyway. I can dig it.


I CAN dig it, but I won’t. Manual labor is hard.



Ms.Cewsh: <3>





Segment 2 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Rey (The Superhero) Mysterio © vs. Dolph (The…Porn Star?) Ziggler.


Cewsh: Welcome to The Making Of Dolph Ziggler: Episode 2. In this episode we get to see the hero of our story, the young rising star Dolph Ziggler, take on his foe in a rematch of Night of Champions, to try yet again to obtain the coveted Intercontinental Championship. Last time we saw him, he was being put on the map after a surprisingly competitive and fun match against Rey Mysterio, and this time, he’s out to prove that he can go the distance. You’ll see him fight, you’ll see him fly, you’ll see death defying moves, and lightning fast reversals. You’ll see young Ziggler mature into a man right before your very eyes as he takes his foe to the absolute limit to prove he’s worthy of attention and consideration.


In fact there’s only one thing you won’t see in this episode, and that is a cameo by Maria. Which is a goddamn shame.


In all seriousness, this was a better version of their fast paced and surprising match at Night of Champions. Ziggler looked like a guy really starting to get it, and Mysterio did a great job of protecting him and keeping the match exciting. I will say this though, this match had an odd ass format. Ziggler would try to do a move on Mysterio and Mysterio would reverse it to varying degrees of success and vice versa. There wasn’t a ton of moving around the ring, and there weren’t many transitions either, leaving my reflections on the match feeling more like an island of moves by themselves, rather than a complete story being told. It was odd. The match was, essentially, just a series of chain wrestling encounters and near falls.


That said, it was fucking fun to watch.


79 out of 100.



Ms.Cewsh: Opening the show is a much better slot for this match than Night of Champions’ spot was. It is also a better match. The wrestling is good, as is Ziggler’s athleticism. Other than his stupid name, I really have no complaints until the end. Alternate names for Dolph Ziggler could include: Dolph, The Ziggler, Dolph Zebra, (love the gloves,) Ziggy. Anything, really.


The match loses a lot of momentum from the ton of near falls, but that’s not what I’m going to punish it for. No, I’m going to punish it for the 619. In fact, I’m going to punish all matches for relying on terrible, contrived moves that require you to believe that opponent A can do a series of complicated dance moves, while opponent B lies motionless in a position they would never end up in, in a real fight.


Someday, WWE is going to come across this review while searching for “Rey Mysterio is a cum-guzzling gutter whore,” (Hey, what’s up?) and they will see my vitriolic rage for hackneyed moves like this. And then maybe, maybe, the 619, Ballin’, and the 5 Knuckle Shuffle will be retired, like they belong.


51 out of 100




Rey Mysterio Over Dolph Ziggler Following A Super Hurracanrana.





Segment 3 – MVP May Have Too Much Swagger.


Cewsh: Jack Swagger and MVP are backstage with Josh Matthews, and get some time to hype up their last minute added match up next. It was an odd thing to see two heated opponents talk trash to each other to each others faces right before having a match, and I settled in to watch a ho hum interview segment.


That aint what I got.


What I got was MVP completely out of nowhere delivering one of the best promos of the year. It was a little pander and hokey, but he delivered it with such conviction and skill that it INSTANTLY raised my opinion of the man several notches. I don’t give seals of approval to promos, but if I did, this would get one, just for how unexpected it really was. Well done, Montel.





Segment 4 – Jack(ed By The Standards Of 7 Year Old Girls) Swagger vs. M (Makes) V (Violin) P (Parts).


Cewsh: …and then this match happened.


These two guys come to the ring, lock up and proceed to have the most mediocre match imaginable. That’s not to say its bad, because there’s nothing remotely offensive about it. MVP gets the crowd into him, and Swagger’s lightning fast speed impresses me, but in between, stuff just sort of happens. It may just be that there wasn’t a ton of steam behind this match to begin with, and that a lot of people (myself included) didn’t even know it was going to be on the show, but the crowd is very clearly sitting on their hands or going to get another beer or whatever it is that they urgently need to take care of, and not taking an interest in this match.


These guys both keep showing me a ton of potential, but one of these days, one of them needs to have a performance that really sells me, and it’s a damn shame for MVP that tonight wasn’t that night, because grouped with that promo, it could have been a star making night for him. Alas.


65 out of 100.



Ms.Cewsh: Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’!


Cewsh Note: It is at this point that Ms. Cewsh ran out of the room and viciously attacked the first basketball player she saw. With some gentle animal tranquilizers and some deep breathing exercises, we calmed her down enough to continue.


33 out of 100




MVP Over Jack Swagger Following The Playmaker.





Segment 5 – I Know What You Skanked Last Summer. She’s All Skank. Skanky Doo.


Cewsh: They pan around the audience to show all of the celebrities who have come out to the show. These include Luke Perry, the villain from Terminator 2 (and the Marine), Slash and a few others. This culminates with Nancy O’Dell, the host of television’s Access Hollywood and the aforementioned skank, interviewing Freddie Prinze Jr. about getting attacked by Orton when he guest hosted Raw. The whole segment was obnoxious, because O’Dell was entirely and massively out of her element in front of this kind of crowd, but Freddie was cool, and all signs are definitively pointing towards something going on between Freddie and Orton in the future.





Segment 6 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – (The Amazing) Jerishow © vs. (It’s A) Cryme (That This Is The First Legit Match they’ve Ever Had) Tyme.


Cewsh: There are, by my reckoning, 3 types of tag team matches. The sloppy ones that makes no fucking sense, the ones that follow the traditional tag team formula to the letter, and the one that aspire to more for better or worse. This match would have to follow under the “Formula” heading, but for once I’m not going to consider that a bad thing.


Jerishow come down to the ring first to snazzy new music that actually makes them seem like a legit team, followed by Cryme Tyme who come out to the same music as ever, that I still think is way too low energy for them. They get the match going, and immediately the formula is locked into place. The faces start strong, the heel take over, Big Show fucks people up, Jericho is a sneaky little bastard, and then the hot tag is made, then more heat, and then ANOTHER hot tag is made, and then the finish happens. These are basically the ABCs of tag team wrestling, but for once I found myself not minding very much. Jericho and the Big Show have become an incredible team in very little time, especially since they were thrown together at the last minute. Their chemistry feels natural, and they are without a doubt a force to be reckoned with.


Cryme Tyme on the other hand just doesn’t quite work. They’re fine as a team, but there’s just something missing. JTG and Shad never appear to be on the same wavelength character wise, and this match went along way to showing that JTG has some SERIOUS star potential, whereas Shad was just kind of there. The sequence at the end after JTG made the hot tag especially was electrifying, and basically turned me into a JTG fan in less than 5 minutes. That, coupled with the best finish of the night made for a fantastic end to a match that might otherwise been forgettable.


I hope they break up Cryme Tyme soon for JTG’s sake. He can do better. He WILL do better.


75 out of 100.



Vice: I love when people cut other people off while they’re cutting a promo. It just gives me this funny mental image of Shad and JTG being like “YO DUDE HIT OUR MUSIC! HIT IT NOW! CUT HIM OFF! CUT HIM OFF!”, “no! I’ll lose my job!”, “CUT HIM OFF, MOFO! YOU ABOUT TO GET SLLLLLLAAAPPED!”. And by all of that, I actually mean that cutting people off with music is ever so convenient, or just REALLY bad timing from the guy in charge.


Jericho and Big Show have an amazing theme. Best mash-up ever?
That is all.



Ms.Cewsh: Ahem, where was I? Ah, the match. It’s pretty standard tag fare, though a little boring at times. I feel like Jericho could have popped a bit more, but Show impressed me. I really like the visual of him standing on JTG’s foot, or Shad’s head. He’s big! He can step on people.


The worst part of the match is Cryme Tyme. They’re good in the ring, particularly JTG at the end, and actually look legit. That last part is the problem. They’ve been comedy characters and jobbers for three years, but suddenly they’re actually really good at wrestling and a total threat! Just repackage them, at that point. It’s a small critique, but it hampers my enjoyment of the match.


47 out of 100



Jerishow Over Cryme Tyme Following The Big Punch From Show To JTG.





Segment 7 – PUNK! PUNK! PUNK!


Cewsh: Remember MVP’s awesome promo from earlier? Forget about it. Cookie Monster Punk slaps MVP out of the way with his dick and cuts a promo so good, it made me warm inside.


Or maybe that was the booze.


Don’t judge me!





Segment 8 – Kane (Will Be Carrying...) vs. The Great (Sigh) Khali.


Cewsh: Ladies and gentlemen if you’ll direct your eyes to the large gentleman in red, he will be carrying a very heavy load for your entertainment this evening. Please do not be alarmed, as he has been doing this for years, and knows exactly how to accomplish this without harming himself too much.


Yeesh.


What to say about this match? Play by play wouldn’t really do anything justice, since there weren’t a whole lot of “plays” to begin with. There was a lot of Kane bumping all over the ring for Khali, while the Great One did his best to put on a watchable match when he clearly is about as mobile as an overturned turtle. He repeatedly struggled to even get to the ground to make a pin, and it becomes intensely hard to watch. I’m not one of those guys to bash Khali for his lack of ability. He clearly does the best he can with his broken down body, and Kane does everything short of shoot himself in the head to make Khali look like a killer, but there’s just a limit to how good a match like this could possibly be. There’s a limit, and they don’t even reach it. They try to throw in Ranjin Singh as Khali’s brother and as a distraction to help things, and it does help a little, but in so many ways, it just turns out to be too little too late.


40 out of 100.


Ms.Cewsh: Giants.
Brawl.
Sadface
Show?
Bad.


20 out of 100



Kane Over The Great Khali Following A Running DDT.





Segment 9 – D (Dork) Generation X vs. Legacy (Of Kain. I Have To Come Up With A New One Of These.)


Cewsh: Remember earlier when I talked about the three types of tag team matches? Remember how I said that one of the types of tag matches was when they’d throw away the formula and aspire to something greater? Well here it is. These four guys take this match and aspire to take it to the stars. Do they make it? RAFO, baby, read and find out.


DX are out first with an incredibly elaborate entrance which was more than a little confusing. There are a lot of explosions, then a bunch of soldiers come out and shoot pyro guns at the ceiling mounted pyro machines, and then DX comes out on a tank, simulating giant guns as their dicks and shooting off loads of pyro.


Here's Shawn Michaels' cock:



...and Triple H's cock:




I’m confused and a little disturbed by the imagery of Triple H with a 12 foot cock that fires mortars, and then nothing more is mentioned of this odd military theme. They do their spiel, out comes Legacy, and we’ve got ourselves a match.


Right from the start this match sets out to be different. Rather than Legacy immediately getting heat or DX showing their domination and squashing Legacy like so many people speculated, Legacy starts playing mind games with DX and they actually work. Then they start to work Shawn Michaels over in a great piece of psychology because Shawn has some ring rust from being gone for 6 months. Then they build the heat, and build the heat, and just keep right on stacking the heat higher and higher, and the fans, who probably assumed this was going to be a squash as well, slowly start to rise to the match, until they reach a fever pitch that makes all reactions on the show before it look like dogshit. Its here that Legacy just go into a gear that they’ve never shown before. Dibiase being the battering ram going toe to toe with each guy, and Rhodes being the brains of the outfit that orchestrates the whole thing and takes advantage of opportunities, these two not only make themselves look like they could win this match at any moment, they actually make DX look like the goddamn underdogs! Legacy keeps the advantage for almost 10 straight minutes. Unbelievable.


Finally, though, Legacy shows its inexperience and Dibiase gets taken out, leading to a break down of their well crafted plans. From there the match becomes exciting as hell as everyone flies all over the ring to save victory from the mouth of defeat. Big moves start raining down from all sides, and at one point Cody Rhodes actually lands the Crossrhodes, causing the entire arena all at once to lose their mind as he BARELY misses getting the win. Then we accelerate full speed to the very good finish and these guys head to the back with a job well done.


This match absolutely made Legacy. In one night they went from underachieving lackeys to possibly the best tag team in the WWE, and near future superstars. DX came through too with that chemistry that they have always undeniably had. But this match was really a coming out party for Legacy, and a decade from now, when they’re both carrying this company, we’ll look back at this match and say that this was the beginning of it all. This is where Rhodes and Dibiase separated themselves from their father. This is where they became men.


Suffice to say, this is the tag team match of the year. Something could surpass it, but I seriously doubt it. Just wow.




91 out of 100.


Cewsh's Download Seal Of Approval





Vice: Suck it. If you’re not down with that, suck it.


Yeah.. you heard me. What, that doesn’t make sense? Huh?


SUCK IT.


I can see a lot of people absolutely loving DX’s entrance, but to me it was everything that is wrong with WWE and I absolutely despised it. Big surprise, right?


The match did its job well enough, and I do have to give props to the most immature 40 year olds on the planet, ‘cause they did a pretty great job of making Legacy look great for once. Legacy still lost, but you don’t have to win to look like a million bucks. I’d say that DX made Legacy look like about $831,492, which isn’t quite a million, but it’s not fucking bad either considering how much of a frugal fanny Triple H can be.


It’s good to see Legacy not being completely embarrassed, though I do wonder how long it will last.



Ms.Cewsh: DX, one word, five syllables. Over.comp.en.sat.ing. <3 .="" span="" style="color: #ff99ff; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">


93 out of 100




DX Over Legacy Following Sweet Chin Music From Michaels On Rhodes.





Segment 10 – ECW Championship – (Not Very) Christian © vs. William (Needs A Crown) Regal.


Cewsh: Hmm. Okay, I better chronicle this. Christian comes out, being all Christiany. Then Regal comes out flanked by his new friends Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov, then the bell rings, Regal goes to take off his coat, Christian gets him caught in it, hits the Killswitch and wins the match.


Okey dokey.


Immediately following this, Regal, Kozlov, and Jackson absolutely annihilate Christian, leaving him a quivering mass of trodden on jelly in the middle of the ring. This was all so incredibly abrupt that the audience clearly had absolutely no idea how to take it and neither do I. What was this all about? Were they running short on time? Was somebody injured? I have no clue. It was still pretty awesome.


70 out of 100.



Vice: If there’s one match I was looking forward to outside of the main event, this is it. Regal is a wonderful man and Christian has been absolutely on fire since his return. How could this not be a great match on PPV?


Oh, right. Like Matthew in the sack (according to Bagpipes & Street Lights Weekly), it was done and done in 5 seconds. It’s as if Vince watched TNA’s latest PPV and was in awe of how well booked Rob Terry vs. SuperMex was, so he decided to do his own version of it. Here is the difference: Rob Terry vs. SuperMex in an actual match would have been one of the worst matches of the year, while Christian vs. Regal in an actual match could have been one of the best.


Good one, WWE. I hate you.



Ms.Cewsh: I don’t…well…uh… It wouldn’t have lived up to the last match anyway.


65 out of 100



Christian Over William Regal Following The Killswitch.





Segment 11 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Randy (THE VIPER) Orton © vs. John (THE DIAPER) Cena.


Cewsh: This match is a story of two halves. The first half is the very good match that took place here and the entire big fight feel that came attached to it. These guys have fought each other one on one so seldom that it really feels like a special treat when we get to see them go at it, and they have better chemistry than you’d ever expect.


So they have themselves a great little under main event here, without doing everything they can do to save for the inevitable Wrestlemania matchup between these two. I was plugging along, digging this match, digging it hardcore, and then, all of a sudden, just as the match was getting going towards the finish, Orton pushes the ref and gets disqualified.


“Alright,” I think “He’s done this before, and it’s a great heel thing to do.” Then Lillian gets on the microphone and fucks everything up, first by announcing that there’s a new WWE champions, which makes the crowd go crazy until it becomes clear that she means that Orton RETAINED the title, which deflates everyone. Then she announces that Vince has required the match to restart and that if Orton gets disqualified again he’ll lose the title. Alright, fair enough. So they restart the match, and Orton bounces and gets counted out. Lillian then says that Vince has barred this as well. Orton rolls in, pins Cena with his feet on the ropes, and then a ref runs in and reverses the decision! At this point both Orton and Cena seem dumbfounded. Then Cena fucks Orton up and slaps on the STF, when a fan runs in from the crowd and attacks the fucking ref! In the confusion, Orton hits the RKO on Cena in the ropes, and then nails it again, this time for the victory.


Just what in the shit fuck was this all about? Were ALL of those shenanigans seriously necessary? Couldn’t the fan have just run in? After this match, they took the unbeatable, unstoppable Cena and made him look like the world’s biggest bitch as Orton outsmarts and defeats him over and over again while he looks like a helpless little bitch in the corner. Its absolutely ridiculous. This is easily the worst finish I have seen this year in WWE, and maybe anywhere, including TNA. They damaged Cena about as bad as they possibly could have in one night.


Fuck sake.


76 out of 100.



Ms.Cewsh: Cena and I’ve been through some rough times. He’s sent me on a homicidal killing spree of the world’s kittens. He’s given me the match of the year. He gave me the greatest night of passion I’ve ever known. He didn’t call after. Orton and I, however, will always have a love written in the stars. That’s going to make reviewing this match difficult, not to mention extremely awkward. We start out by mixing up the usual Cena formula, and it’s actually quite good.


You know what? No. Never mind. Fuck this match. Fuck it.


I was right there with you until the DQ. I was even willing to stand by your side after the restart and Lillian, (mostly Lillian,) killed the momentum. I took you back after the count out, but no more! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS? LET’S JUST HAVE “VINCE” HAND THE GODDAMN MATCH TO JOHN FUCKING CENA ON A MOTHERFUCKING SILVER PLATTER! AND THEN, AND THEN! LET’S NOT GIVE IT TO HIM AFTERALL! WE’LL MAKE OUR TOP STAR LOOK LIKE A SAD LITTLE BITCH, CRYING IN THE CORNER, AFTER LOSING 4 TIMES! TO INTRODUCE A MYSTERY RUN-IN AND KILL THE TENSION AND MOMENTUM! YAY! WE’RE GENIUSES!


I love you Randy, and the match was pretty good even up until the count out, but Vice had it right last review.


FUCK YOU out of 100



Vice: I’ve just received word that this match was crap! First off, I’m sick of these two going at it. Everyone knows how I feel about John Cena by now, and if you don’t, you clearly have no idea who I am. Randy Orton has totally gone back to being his boring, shit self. That’s all there is to it. He was boring, then caught fire and became amazing, and now he is wretched. What a snafu this was. They mixed up the usual formula by quite a bit, but it was a ton of overbooked nonsense on top of a painfully boring match. That’s just awful.


Okay, I despise Cena, but they made him look so awful, so dreadful, so atrocious, so loser-ish, that I actually.. felt.. bad for him. Yes, even the incredibly cruel Vice does not wish such a fate on anyone—even John Cena. Holy zonks did he come out of that match looking like a fucking nitwit. Everything about the match was just painful. I cannot stress that enough. The RAW side of WWE is so awfully booked and everything about it is irritating. It’s so stale and everyone is being wasted to a degree, with no real stars being built up and the current stars looking like shit through awful booking. Did I mention awful booking? I’d say that Vince Russo booked this shit, but I don’t want to insult the man. I could rant about this match for much longer, but I’ll just call it bullshit and move on. This match was bullshit. Actually, I can’t just stop there. Sorry.


The match is pretty incredible if you watch it with this...





...on a loop. Brilliant stuff.




Randy Orton Over John Cena Following EVERY POSSIBLE SHENANIGAN.





Segment 12 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Jeff (See You In The Future) Hardy © vs. CM (Cohabitating Muskrats) Punk


Cewsh: Ah, here we are now. The main event of Summerslam, and one of the most improbable sights imaginable. Who alive could have predicted years ago that this PPV including John Cena vs. Randy Orton and the return of DX would be headlined by the duo of CM Punk and Jeff Hardy? Anyone who claims to have seen that coming is a goddamn liar because even the most optimistic of us couldn’t have foreseen Punk’s meteoric rise to fame. But here he is, and here is the newly minted main event Jeff Hardy, and this is the moment that they both can prove that they belong.


Starting off the match, they keep things simple at first. The have themselves, for all intensive purposes, a regular wrestling match for a few minutes. But they’re just getting warmed up. Jeff goes for the Poetry in Motion and BAM, Punk drops him back first on the upturned chair. Then Punk starts going to town on Jeff with the ladder, and in general asserts himself who refuses to be intimidated by the stipulation of this match. Punk nails a great Suicide Dive to the outside, but gets paid right back with a devastating midair chair shot from Hardy just moments later. There’s a back story here where Punk keeps trying to put Jeff’s neck in the chair and ram it into the ring post like he did on Smackdown when he brutalized Jeff earlier this month, but Jeff keeps reversing it and making trouble for Punk.


Hardy goes up to the turnbuckle after setting Punk on a table in an attempt to end the match early, but as he leaps Punk just narrowly dodges out of the way at the last moment. Punk grabs one of those absurdly huge ladders from somewhere and climbs it, but Jeff gets up in time to stop him. They struggle for awhile and Punk tries to get the Go 2 Sleep on Hardy off the ladder, but Hardy reverses this as well into an enormous rolling powerbomb. Then, of course, Jeff pulls a ladder out and pays for it by taking on of the nastiest falls in recent memory after his leg gets caught on the top rope. Then, to add further injury, Punk superplexes Hardy right on top of the ladder injuring them both in the process. If it seems like I’m just listing moves, its because frankly its hard enough just to catalogue all of the fast paced action going on here. This guys are having a great ladder match. Not great ladder spots, but a great MATCH.


Punk takes his advantage and hits the Shining Wizard in the corner on Hardy, but before he can hit the bulldog, Hardy manages to dump Punk over the top rope and through a table to earn himself a brief respite. Not enough of one, however, as Punk manages to springboard in and foil Hardy’s attempt to make another climb. Then, outside the ring, Punk calls for the chair neck thing again, but again Hardy is one step ahead of him, bashing him repeatedly with the chair and moving all of the furniture around. The crowd starts to buzz. Jeff pulls the monitors and the top off of the announce table. The crowd starts to rise to their feet. Then Jeff grabs his fucking insane 20 foot ladder, and every person in the building is on their feet, yelling with excitement. He sets Punk up on the table and slowly makes his way to the top. The words “No fucking way” run through my head, even though I know as well as everyone else watching what is going to happen. 30 feet in the air, Jeff throws himself into space. Swanton Bomb. Fucking Kaboom. The kind of move that will live on forever.


Unfortunately for Jeff, however, he injured himself just as much as Punk with his demonic descent. They both reach the ladder in the middle of the ring simultaneously. They both climb slowly, agonizingly slowly, until they reach the top and duke it out. Who will win? Which warrior will win the brutal battle?


Well, frankly, we’re the winners, because this was a great match. This was everything it needed to be, and both Punk and Hardy look like the main eventers that they need to be. What a fantastic way to cap off this show. Wow.



83 out of 100.

Cewsh's Download Seal of Approval





Vice: Amazing. It just flowed so damn well and shows how damn good these two are in such an environment. Not surprising for Jeff since half his matches in his career include ladders and whatnot, but relatively surprising for Punk. There’s seriously one thing Punk can’t do in wrestling, and, well, life in general.. and that’s not be awesome. I love Punk.


I really loved the ending. Jeff goes and kills himself to kill Punk, but after years of abuse in matches like these, he ends up hurting himself more than Punk. Not ever giving up, he musters up everything he has in his heart and soul and makes one last desperate climb to the top of the ladder to try to keep the thing that’s most important to him, and Punk basically just says nah. It didn’t end in some ridiculous high spot with someone flying through 19 tables. It was just Punk being in better condition at the end and wanting it more. Hey kids, you know what that’s called? Storytelling.






Ms.Cewsh: I had really high hopes for this match, and I was worried when it starts off kind of slow. They’re both so great in ladder matches, with tons of innovative spots, that it’s disconcerting to see no tables or chairs and very little ladder work, outside of using it as a battering ram, for the first 10 minutes or so. Then, Punk takes an absolutely sick chair shot, and the whole pace of the match changes.


Hardy is far more brutal than I ever recall him being. He absolutely massacres Punk in and out of the ring. There are some nice spots, but nothing really memorable. That is, of course, until Jeff brings out the 30 ft ladder. There’s the customary Swanton off the top of the ladder, which is both beautiful and heart stopping. (You couldn’t have set it 2 feet back so it didn’t look like your head was going to hit every rung on the way down?!) Punk sells it like a million bucks, something I always appreciate in Jeff’s matches.


The finish is a little anticlimactic, but a great visual none the less. It lets Jeff step out looking strong, but not robbed. I’ll eagerly anticipate the rematch after Jeff’s hiatus.


84 out of 100



CM Punk Over Jeff Hardy Following His Retrieving The Title Belt.





Post Match:


Vice: With Punk standing tall with the title in his hands, the lights flicker. Obviously my very first reaction was “TAKER!!!!”, but Punk sold it beautifully. He didn’t overdo it. He just looked a bit confused, as if he was wondering if the power was going to legitimately go out. When everything went back to normal, he continued celebrating overtop Hardy’s corpse. Then the gong hits and it definitely is Taker. Undertaker switching with Jeff Hardy was spectacular. I totally fell for it, since I couldn’t take my eyes off of Punk and just how gorgeous he is with the title. Yeah, the whole thing got an EEP out of me which is very rare with wrestling these days.


CM Punk is now a 3 time World Heavyweight Champion, is main eventing PPVs and is now going to feud with Undertaker. What the fuck. That’s just phenomenal.



Cewsh: The Undertaker! YUS! Fucking yes! Punk/Taker for the mothercunting win motherfuckers! YEAH!



Ms. Cewsh: The only thing I don’t like about this match is the post-match shenanigans. Though, that may only be because I was hoping this feud would get more time.





--------------------------------------------------------------





Cewsh’s Conclusions:


Cewsh: This was a great show. It had low points like all shows do, but this was such a perfect kind of Summerslam. The DX comeback was great, there was a top billing match in Orton/Cena which had the ultimate controversial ending, and the whole evening was capped off by a fantastic and exciting main event with a surprise ending. It had surprises, it kept me interested, and it left me feeling really happy to have seen it. That sort of show is rare to find.




Cewsh’s Final Score: 72.3 out of 100.




Ms Cewsh’s Final Purr:


Ms. Cewsh: I wish we could stop having matches like Kane/Khali on PPV. It really drags down the average and forces me to assure you that my score isn’t as bad as it seems. The three main events were varying shades of awesome, but the under/midcards were pretty neglected. Unfortunately, that’s not odd for WWE, nor is being left with the feeling that the show was better than you gave it credit for.


It’s a lot better than my score gives it credit for.


Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 54.5 out of 100 kitties.






Vice’s Verdict:


Vice: Overall, I was pretty let down by this show. Summerslam is generally billed and regarded as the second biggest show of the year, but I honestly can’t remember the last time it felt like that when all was said and done. Summerslam ’98 was the first PPV I actually ordered, so Summerslam is a somewhat special PPV to me in a way.


The PPV summed up WWE well as a whole, though. Smackdown generally brought the goods, and even if the match wasn’t good (Khali/Kane), they still tried their best to put on a good show. RAW was just a mess, with everything being overdone and taking valuable time away from other things. And ECW, even though it’s an incredibly solid show from what I’ve seen and heard, is given about as much attention as a bum outside 7-11 begging for spare change.


A pretty poor showing in the end, but boy did it end well.


Vice's Final Score: 44 out of 100.





Vice's Awards:

















Alright, that'll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you had fun sharing the biggest (and apparently most polarizing) event of the summer with us, and for one reason or another I get the feeling that this is one show that we'll be talking about, or more accurately arguing about, for years to come. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday when we tackle something entirely new for Cewsh Reviews, as we head out across the Pacific Ocean and wind up in the beautiful country of Italy to review a show from Rikishi's NWE promotion. This may seem like another random indy, but I assure you my friends, they get the best talent there is to get. Juventud Guerrera, Orlando Jordan, Chris Masters, and even the Ultimate Goddamn Warrior have passed through those doors, and we can't wait to see what's in store for us, as we review NWE Catch Direct 8: Episode 1. Until then, be sure to keep reading, and take care of each other.


August 16, 2009

TNA Hard Justice 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…



TNA HARD JUSTICE 2009





Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of the best thing to do on a Tuesday other than watch Shaq Vs. (and you can actually do both at the same time.), Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you, as we travel back through the murky badlands of TNA PPVs, and produce yet another instant classic, as we review TNA’s Hard Justice. Its hard to consistently try to convince you, the treasured reader, that these TNA shows are going to be fantastic when, historically, this is so far from the case that I keep expecting Jesus to show up and smack me with his dick for telling such big lies. Must be the Catholic in me.


At any rate, things could turn out for the best, and the eternal fire of my optimism burns bright in the face of the overwhelming unpleasantness we’re likely to be served up with. Anyway, its not like Jethro Holiday is on this show. Wait he is? FUCK.


Well with no further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!







Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!


Cewsh: Alright, so this entire video is about Matt Morgan. It’s a cool video, and it makes him look like the most ridiculously awesome prospect in wrestling history. It also makes every single other person with a match on this PPV, including the other two men in the match, look completely and entirely inconsequential. I’m glad they’re taking this opportunity to push a new star as hard as possible, but yeah, there’s other things happening on this card to, and going on this video alone, it seems like Matt Morgan might actually just be doing sit ups for 3 hours, while Stephen Hawking cheers him on.







Segment 2 – Steel Asylum Match – Number One Contendership For The TNA X Division Championship – Alex (Doesn’t Come To Your House And Slap the Dick Out Of Your Mother’s Mouth) Shelley, Chris (Hail) Sabin, (The) Amazing Red, (Christopher) Daniels, Jay (Machismo) Lethal, (Austin) Consequences Creed, Suicide, and (Elijah Burke) D’Angelo Dinero.


Cewsh Notes:


- Alright so this is a big fucking cage with a dome top with a hole in the very center, and the idea is for somebody to climb their way up through the top and escape. Whoever does this will face either Homicide or Samoa Joe at No Surrender.


-ELIJAH BURKE! YES YES YES! I now have Burke and Lashley back in wrestling. I’m in my happy place.


-The Amazing Red hasn’t so much lost a step, as he’s lost an entire foot. Poor guy. His knees are held together by duct tape.


-Its funny how TNA seems to add one new X Division personality every 6 months or so. A while ago we got Suicide, and now we get Dinero. Other than that, everyone is pretty much the same as they always are.


-WHAT A FUCKING SPEAR! Dinero just destroyed Daniels off the top rope with a spear from hell. Fuck!


-What an amazing, pointless, and gorgeous array of mindfuckingly ridiculous moves this is becoming. Just huge move after huge move, after huge move. None of it has any rhyme or reason, and all of it basically murders the crowd for whatever tries to follow this, but man these guys went insane to put on a show.


-Every move these guys have ever done in a match like this is done, and then even exceeded as they somehow find something to do in the Tower of Doom position that ISN’T THE TOWER OF DOOM! HOLY SHIT! Someone finally came up with a new idea for that!


-Dinero is making a fantastic debut for himself here, as every move he executes just looks like it absolutely eviscerates the guy who get hit with it. Great stuff.
-There’s a sequence at the end, where someone is hanging limp from the top of the cage, and D’Angelo Dinero (have to get used to the new name) has a clear chance to win the match after knocking Suicide to the ground. Instead of doing so, however, Dinero gets down, and calmly beats the everloving shit out of Suicide. When that mysterious someone recovers and wins the match, Dinero seems entirely unconcerned. It would appear that there are other forces at work here. Interesting.


This isn’t a match in any recognizable sense, and the majority of my brain was rebelling all the way through it for a million reasons. But whatever was wrong with this match (and there is a lot wrong with a match where guys just do moves to each other for no reason in a cage), what was genuinely right was that this match was goddamn fun to watch. Yes, I know, I’m a terrible mark for thinking so, but I can’t help it. I got caught up in the beauty and the destruction, the grace and the viciousness, the brutality and the ballet is why there is an X Division to begin with. I guess I have to come to terms with that.




80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.





Vice: Turnbuckle pads: Black
Ring skirt: Black
Ring ropes: Red
Dome: Red
Ring Apron: White/gray/silver


Chris Sabin: black, red and silver
Alex Shelley: black, red and silver
Amazing [black and..] Red: black, red and silver
Christopher Daniels: black, red and white
Suicide: black, red and white
D’Angelo Dinero: black, red and silver
Jay Lethal: black, red and white
Consequences Creed: BLUE, red and white


Fucking hell. Hopefully they buy more COLORS with the money they’re saving from firing Don West. Well, I dunno-- colors are expensive and Don West was probably being underpaid because TNA = Totalitarian Niggardly ASSHOLES. Yeah, I went there.


(Cewsh Note: nig⋅gard⋅ly
1. reluctant to give or spend; stingy; miserly. 2. meanly or ungenerously small or scanty: a niggardly tip to a waiter.

Please don't send angry emails.)



It’s good to see that Daniels has shaved his ridiculous fu manchu, and looks a thousand times better. He just couldn’t pull that look off. Maybe he’ll grow the goatee out again, or go all out and bring the beard back. Either way is awesome. Anything that isn’t the fu manchu is awesome.


ELIJAH BURKE is here, motherfuckers. He has a bit of a silly name, but I can definitely see it catching on in due time. I kinda like it, even though Elijah Burke is a really awesome name.


This is one of the most ridiculous matches I’ve seen in quite some time, and I mean that. It’s like they found Don West’s crack stash and all smoked it while standing in the gorilla position, ‘cause the match was incredibly fast-paced and absolutely downright motherfucking sisterbanging daughterpoking balls to the wall cock slapped against the refrigerator booty through the skylight Don West swimming in your baseball cards insane. I mean that. Vice does not lie.


Aside from Burke sparking something with Suicide towards the end, there was no story. There was no psychology. It was just a tower of doom-filled carnival sideshow attraction with people flying all over the place and having their heads smashed into the canvas in every way imaginable, and THEN some. It was a terrible match in a plethora of ways, but it was one of the most fun matches I’ve seen in forever. “WWE DON’T DO THIS SHIT, YO”, screameth TNA. “HEY GUYS WHAT ABOUT A SWERVE!!!”, sayeth Russo. Wait a sec—who invited Russo?


Burke had a wonderful debut and Daniels wins a ridiculous match. I don’t think I have anything to complain about. Daniels vs. Homicide would be awesome. Daniels vs. Joe could be awesome, going by their past matches. Though, Joe doesn’t seem motivated at all and is sluggish as hell as we all know by now. I’d say that it’d be a huge test to see exactly is up with Joe, though, and whether he still has gas left in the tank these days. Joe might be mailing it in due to his terribly poor booking, but I think he respects Daniels way, way, way too much to be a lazy shit in the ring with him. If anything, he’ll want to prove to Daniels that he still has that amazing beast of a wrestler inside of him. So that means that 1) Joe is shown to actually be really bad, 2) Joe will show everyone that he’s still got it, or 3) Joe will try to show that he’s still got it, but ends up having a heart attack in the middle of the ring and dies. It would be very tragic..



..if Daniels didn’t win the title because the title can only change hands via pinfall or submission, and not in the event of death. Of course all of that babbling could be utterly meaningless if Homicide wins tonight, but I have a feeling that Joe is going to take it for the Mafia.




Daniels Over Everyone Following Getting His Ass The Fuck Out The Hole, Motherfuckers.







Segment 3 – Daniels Wears More Eye Shadow Than Your Sister. And Your Sister’s A Whore.



Cewsh: Daniels gives a post match interview with Borash saying that he’ll beat either Homicide or Joe, but that he’d prefer Joe so that they could settle their unfinished business. He then makes a point of telling AJ Styles that he’s pulling for him and that this win was for him. I’m calling it now, some motherfucker of those two is turning heel. They are entirely too buddy, buddy friendship sparkles and hugs galore for it not to be leading to something. Just a hunch.







Segment 4 – This PPV Should Be Called Hard Morgan.



Cewsh: Because he’s excited, and the show is all about him. Get it? Bah, you’re hopeless.


Anyway, Morgan relates the saga of how the Main Event Mafia were huge meany faces to him, so he decided to go into business for himself, and as a result is going to be winning the title tonight. He MIGHT win, I’m no psychic or anything, but somehow, I’m not ready to bet the farm (someone else’s farm maybe) on it. Sorry Matt.







Segment 5 - $50,000 Bounty…Match? – Jethro (Seriously?) Holiday vs. (Buyer Of Enormous Leather Pants) Abyss.



Cewsh: Alright. Let’s get through this together.


The idea here is that Dr. Stevie is willing to pay $50,000 for someone to maim Abyss. Yes, not beat him in a wrestling match, PHSYCIALLY MAIM HIM, leaving him crippled, conceivably in front of the eyes of children in the audience. Despite this obvious flaw in the concept, TNA greenlights a match anyway between Abyss and…Jethro Holiday? Better known to most as Trevor Murdoch from the WWE, Holiday had about a cup of coffee in TNA during the tag tournament, and promptly disappeared until now. Here he will attempt to, and let me reiterate here, MAIM Abyss.


The match starts off with some brawling. Then there’s some brawling. Then Dr. Stevie comes down and he starts helping Holiday, so he starts brawling back. Then they brawl some more, with assorted brawling and even a little brawling. Then, when they get sick of brawling, they begin exchanging punches. Then they say to hell with that and go back to brawling. Then there’s some Dr. Stevie stuff, then more brawling, then the match ended. I have to say, I had to rewind twice, because both times my attention wandered too much to even notice that the match had ended. Was this whole match a figment of my imagination? I hope I don’t hate myself that much.


Yawn.



50 out of 100.




Vice: I liked Murdoch in WWE because he was pretty spiffy. He was also part of a lovely tag team in a completely dry tag division, which made him stand out a lot. In TNA, where he does not need to be, I really couldn’t care less about him. When I first saw him, I was like “huh.. cool” and then came to the conclusion that he should fuck off. He’s a good wrestler, but not someone I care about anymore.


The only good thing about them getting like a 45 minute match on PPV is that I get to listen to Don West’s sweet, angelic voice for that much longer.


Abyss wins. Holiday loses.





Holy shit! It’s Sign Girl, and she knows what’s up.


Thanks for stopping in, chica.




Abyss Over Holliday Following The Black Hole Slam.







Segment 6 – Kurt Eats Dirt. HA!



Cewsh: A freshly shaven Kurt Angle, looking like your creepy pedophile grampa assuming you have one, I don’t mean to get all up in your life or anything, says that Matt Morgan’s action were rash and poorly thought out and he will win the match.


These segments are a lot easier to cover if they’d stop lasting all of 12 seconds. THINK OF ME, TNA. C’MON.







Segment 7 – TNA Briefcase…Match? – Big (Apparently We’re Going With That Now) Rob vs. (Hotstuff) Hernandez.



Cewsh: You may be wondering why I keep putting question marks next to the gimmicks of these matches. That’s because, while these are the names attached to these matches, they’re actually just completely normal wrestling matches, where people are going to win something if they win. Except that they’re TREATED like gimmick matches. Its very confusing.


Anyway, here we have Big Rob (Rob Terry), an impressive physical specimen who is, nonetheless, probably the worst professional wrestler alive today, and Hernandez, who is the current recipient of TNA’s annual “Push a midcarder to the main event and see what happens” push. After they come out, Hernandez cuts a promo referring to the Impact Zone as his yard, because there are so many Mexicans in Florida. Then he says that there won’t be a wrestling match. Then the wrestling match begins, and Hernandez throws Magnus and Williams out of the ring, gives Rob a shoulder block and wins the match.


Wait, what?


Yes, that’s right. Proving himself right, Hernandez beats the entire British Invasion in less than 10 seconds, getting his briefcase with the World Title shot back in the process. Now bear something in mind, if you will. Hernandez just beat the entire stable, and Magnus and Williams STILL HAVE A MATCH TONIGHT. In other words, if Beer Money loses to them, Hernandez could probably effortlessly beat them too. Fantastic way to keep interest in the card there boys and girls. Just dandy.


Ah well, frankly I’m incredibly grateful that this match only got 10 seconds, because otherwise it would have been a strong contender for Worst Match of the Year. As such,m I will reward them for their brevity and awesomeness.



75 out of 100.




Vice: SuperMex says there will be no wrestling match. Which obviously means that the second a punch is thrown in their “fight”, a BELL rings signaling a match. A match that ends in a pinfall. WHO INVITED YOU, RUSSO?


Rob Terry, the most muscular man in TNA and someone who would be incredibly intimidating if he wasn’t a crooked toothed tea drinking homosexual, gets pinned with a shoulder block and only a shoulder block. In like 5 seconds. I’m not shitting you. It was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen, barring Daffers. I loved what they did with this match. On paper, it looked awful. “Big Rob” as they call him now is utterly worthless and makes Matthew’s air consumption not seem so undeserving. SuperMex is awesome, but Rob Terry is very much not. Ric Flair in his prime would not be able to carry Big Rob’s dumb sack of shit self to a quarter star match. The fact that TNA made the match 5 seconds long is one of the best decisions they’ve ever made. It’s like the opposite of firing Don West in terms of decision making (you assholes). Now if they sack Big Rob…..


Here, for your viewing pleasure, is the entire match, in gif form.






Hernandez Over Big Rob Following A Shoulder Block of All Things.







Segment 8 – Beer Money Are Concerned With Neither Beer, Nor Money.



Cewsh: Beer Money angrily explains that they’ve been off their game for a few months, but intend to restart their winning ways tonight against the hapless Brits. Then they say that they need to get back to their strengths, which as they see them are, and I quote: “Making cash, and getting trashed.” Both of which are nice pursuits, but, um, not exactly helpful in winning this match, are they? Guys?







Segment 9 – IWGP World Tag Team Championships – The British (Jobbers) Invasion © vs. Beer (Glug) Money (Ching) Inc.



Cewsh: So here we have the IWGP title match. Except that we shouldn’t be having it, because New Japan never gave TNA permission to put the IWGP titles on the British Invasion. TNA just went ahead and did it without asking anybody, pissing off just about everyone drawing breath in the process. Now we have this match. Yippee.


The match starts with Eric Young joining Tenay and West at the broadcast table, and preaching the good name of the World Elite, of which both he and the Brits are apart. Then everybody comes out and off they go with the match. Its basically your run of the mill Beer Money match of the past few months, where Beer Money will do their thing, and whoever their facing will do their best not to fuck up, and it all sort of collapses into an inoffensive mush. If Beer Money had one single other team worth facing in TNA then maybe I could really get back behind them as my favorite tag team, but its just fucking impossible when everyone they face is either awful in the ring, or so freshly formed, they don’t have any cohesion yet. Its truly sad to see.


Anyway, you know how the story plays out. Beer Money play the plucky babyfaces, get in all of their signature moves, Eric Young tries his best to interfere, and then the ending happens. Somewhere in between, 15 minutes went by, but with a gun at my head I couldn’t tell you where they went. Ho hum.


I will take this time, however, to talk about how fucking awesome Eric Young has been lately. I was one of Young’s biggest detractors, simply because his act and look were so stale they bordered on cruel and unusual punishment. Now, though, with a faction following him, and a whole new look and attitude, Young has become one of the best things going in TNA right now, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Way to turn that bad situation around, TNA. Full props on that one.



70 out of 100.




Vice: It’s so amazing how much Magnus has evolved since he was brought in as a ridiculous gladiator. Clear proof that there is such a thing as the wrong gimmick for the wrong person, and that someone can succeed and be extremely awesome if put in the right situation. Another thing that’s amazing is how TNA put the IWGP titles on the British Invasion without New Japan’s permission and actually got away with such a thing. That’s just bad, stupid business right there.


Cewsh brought up a good point while we were watching this. How many GOOD matches has Beer Money actually had? By the end of AMW, it was painfully clear that the gem of the team was now James Storm, having put Chris Harris’ abilities to shame. Yeah. All of them. AMW was a massive tag team in TNA and they had a ton of fantastic matches. James Storm was a star. Robert Roode was the star of another fantastic TNA tag team in Team Canada, and was destined to be a major player in the world of TNA. So, you have the best of two tag teams combining their forces into Beer Money, Inc.. and they don’t have very good matches. They both have wonderful personalities that complement one another quite well. And they’re both good workers. They have good chemistry. They both have a ton of tag experience. What’s wrong? Lack of other teams? Laziness? The fact that it’s TNA? I don’t know. If they’ve had good matches with people outside of LAX (which I can’t even remember if they were good), please let me know. I’m quite curious.


Now that you’ve just read my previous paragraph, I hope you’re not expecting me to say “WHOA THIS MATCH WAS AWESOME”, because it wasn’t. It just wasn’t. It was solid like most Beer Money matches, but that’s it.




The British Invasion Over Beer Money Inc. Following A Sneaky Pin.







Segment 10 – Ants, And Possibly Other Creatures, In Their Pants.



Cewsh: Cody Deaner is going to win the TNA Knockout Championship.


Just deal with it. Take it in, and accept it. Its going to happen. God help us all.







Segment 11 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Angelina (Yum) Love © and Velvet (Num) Sky vs. O (Old) D (Decrepit) B (Bar Maid) and Cody (Oh Jesus Fuck, Why?) Deaner.



Cewsh: Or maybe he won’t.


Shit, I don’t know, I’m disgusted by this whole affair. First we have ODB and Deaner, who were one trick ponies, if they even had a trick to begin with, and then you have the Beautiful people who have been carrying the Knockout Division on their backs since they booked Kong into oblivion. You have them in a tag team match against each other, where, according to some vague assurances, if Love’s team wins, she gets the title, and if ODB’s team wins, she gets the title. So they have this sad sack “match” where Deaner basically gropes and molests the Beautiful People to jealous catcalls from the crowd, acting for all the world like something out of Deliverence, and then he does it some more, and then some more, and then some more, and then Madison accidentally sprays perfume into the eyes of Velvet Sky, and Deaner covers her for the victory. Then, after ODB takes the belt and celebrates, Deaner steals the belt and runs off with it.


Oh for fucking, fucks sake.


Let me get this straight. This division, which was built to give women’s wrestling an opportunity to be respected, credible and important, is now going to be captained either by the most stale, and least talented member of its talent pool, or by a man who is, himself, a joke, and about 1 gimmick step away from a rapist. I’m ripping my hair out in frustration at this because they could have done literally ANYTHING else and it would have made more sense. Anything! Put the belt on Madison Rayne and have her use it as a coaster and defend it against herself. Better idea! Especially since Spike TV’s one fucking rule for TNA to follow was no male on female violence on Impact. For fuck’s sake, why the the glorious name of blood and fuck would you give the title to a man in the fucking women’s division with that rule being enforced on you? What the shit kind of blubbercunting deathwish must you have to consider this a solid plan for your company? And why, if you must go through with this, could you not find some gasping, desperate way to make this a watchable match for fucks sake? Why? WHY?



23 out of 100.




Vice: It’s amazing how little ODB has changed. It’s amazing how little people seem to care about her these days. It’s amazing how little she’s been used in the grand scheme of things. It’s amazing how red Velvet Sky’s ass is from getting slapped so many times. It’s amazing how little I care about ODB. I used to like her, you know. It’s amazing how big Sky’s tits are now. I bet they look awful.


This was a fucked up match. It was mostly comedy, but that doesn’t mean it was fucking fucked diddly up like a fucking motherfuckity fuck. Whenever Cody Deaner was in the ring, it was like a rapist in the ring. He was slapping the asses of the Beautiful People, he was grabbing their asses, rubbing them all over, implying sex, and kissing them, sometimes going so far as to shove his tongue down their throats. It was as awful as TNA firing Don West, especially because fans were CHEERING this. Yeah the Beautiful People are whores and heels, but it was still atrocious to see the face completely and utterly violating the women in this match. If Cornette was in charge, he’d make sure that men would be banned from ringside during Knockout matches from now on. He wouldn’t stand for this. He’d be the hero (an actual hero, not the short one that posts about Power Rangers) here. This was just fucking stupid and shit like this really do make me embarrassed to be a wrestling fan.


One plus to all of this is that it appears the third girl (whatever the ugly girl’s name is) is in massive shit with the two girls whose names I do actually know. So hopefully she gets killed and fucks off like Rob Terry. Worthless whore.




Cody Deaner and ODB Over The Beautiful People Following A Roll Up.


YOUR NEW TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION: Somebody!







Segment 12 – Tazz Hates It When Bitches Be Asking Him Questions.



Cewsh: Actually I don’t know if he does or not. I realize that’s sort of a broad sweeping statement that may reflect poorly on the man, so I sincerely apologize if I have misrepresented him in any way.


Heh, he’s short.


Anyway, Tazz cuts a promo about how Joe is primed and in the zone and ready to destroy Homicide. I don’t think much of Homicide’s chances here, and I’ve been pretty much spot on so far tonight. GO GO POWER JOE!







Segment 13 – TNA X Division Championship – (The Notorious) Homicide © vs. (The Exorbitant) Samoa Joe.



Cewsh: This PPV has been a little haphazard, so let’s play Cewsh’s Over The Top Play By Play, shall we?


Samoa Joe and Homicide make their entrances, Joe with Tazz, and Homicide once again conspicuously without his former/current partner, Hernandez. They get into the ring, and as the belt is presented, its hard to not get chills running down your spin, if you were at all a fan of the days when Joe was the Godzilla of the X Division. The match begins and they lock up, with Joe immediately taking control, overpowering Homicide completely. Homicide tries to use his superior speed to outpace the much stronger Joe, but in the opening minutes of the bout, Samoa Joe effortlessly controls the tempo, keeping Homicide from finding any holes in the unstoppable wall of offense that he is faced with. Finally though Joe, characteristic of his performances of late, makes a simple mistake, and in a flash, Homicide is all over him, taking out his knees and doing his level best to press the assault as viciously as he can. Bewildered and gasping for air, the bigger man looks to his mentor for help but finds nothing but a solemn face and instructions to win there. Homicide continues to make the most of every opportunity, leaping through the air and nailing Joe with every move in his arsenal, while trying to figure out how to get a move like the Gringo Killah on to someone as big as Joe.


Instead of going for the finish, Homicide sets up a suplex, but Joe is too much for him and powers out of it. Then Joe, as enraged as he is hurt, launches into an all out offensive on Homicide, resulting in the champion being flung bodily here and there, before Samoa Joe finally locks in his patented and deadly Read Naked Choke hold, pulling Homicide to the ground with him. Homicide struggles to stay ahead of the blood vessels throbbing in his head, as with maniacal precision, Joe slowly closes off his breathing passages. Finally, with no recourse presented to him, Homicide submits to the will of the larger man, relinquishing the championship and the small part of his pride which will reside forever in this ring on this night. The victorious new champion, Joe poses and postures in the ring with his mentor, the defiant and conquering hero, savoring the kill. He looks at the reclaimed X Division championship as if to say, this is my property, this is my destiny, this is my home.


Well, Joe’s back. Watching this match, you may well think that he had never truly left, as he dug into his old arsenal to pull out some of the tricks he was once known for, before he started wrestling guys like Sting and Kevin Nash every week. Was Joe 100% the Joe of old? Nope. He seemed out of shape, a step behind, and a little vacant in the ring. The storyline, which has painted him, improbably, as a rookie in need of guidance seems to have gone into his matches, and while I appreciate the detail, it doesn’t help his match quality.


This match was good, and came packed with nostalgia. But don’t come here seeking the past. You’ll only go home disappointed.



78 out of 100.





Vice: What the fuck. Joe was on fire here. Well, it’s not the catastrophic inferno of awesomeness like back in the day (especially when TNA still had Don West as an employee), but it was a fire big enough to take down a neighborhood at the very least. Ah, the wonders of Joe fighting young, small people instead of old, big people. Jesus. It just worked.


I really liked the ending with Homicide just tapping out. I’m so tired of people surviving submission holds for like 20 minutes only to have them power out, especially chokes. With chokes, you can’t realistically fight through the pain, because there is no pain; just a severe lack of blood/oxygen to the brain which means you = x.x, and if you are x.x, you are not powering out. If you have someone twice your size with a choke totally locked in and you’re not going anywhere, just end it. Tap out. It doesn’t make you look weak. It shows intelligence on your part, because if you’re going to lose one way or another, you may as well tap out and make sure he lets go of your neck while you can still move. Passing out with a big evil bastard with his arm around your neck is a bad idea. It reminded me a lot of William Regal whenever he wrestled Benoit. Benoit would always slap the crossface on, and Regal would always tap out the second it was firmly locked in. Why? ‘Cause he’s going to tap out anyway, so he may as well be intelligent and spare his body.




Samoa Joe over Homicide Following The Rear Naked Choke.


YOUR WINNER AND NEW TNA X DIVISION CHAMPION: SAMOA JOE!







Segment 14 – Kurt Eats Dirt Part 2: Electric Boogaloo.



Cewsh: Kurt isn’t feeling too good about his chances to retain the title tonight in the three way, so he goes into Morgan’s dressing room to ask him to team up against Sting in the match, saying that if either Morgan or Angle wins, Morgan is in the Main Event Mafia. Morgan bites at this, they make real nice, and then the segment ends as one big happy family.


And Borash. Silly Borash.



Vice:

Envious Vice
: Morgan is massive.
Envious Vice: I also love how he's wearing a watch.
DashboardFonz: Its about time he wore a watch.
DashboardFonz: He gestures to it all match long.
Envious Vice: TNA should sign Boogeyman and have him manage Morgan. Boogeyman always has a clock with him.
DashboardFonz: Ahahaha, instead of pointing to his wrist, he could point to Boogey.
Envious Vice: Yup.
DashboardFonz: "HEY BOOGEY! WHAT TIME IS IT!?!
Envious Vice: And Boogey then shows him the clock.
Envious Vice: If it's not time, Boogey looks sad.
DashboardFonz: Ahahahaha.
Envious Vice: If it's time, Boogey does his Boogeyshuffle.
DashboardFonz: That's amazing.
DashboardFonz: I'm actually giggling considering this.
DashboardFonz: Think of the possibilities as guest timekeeper.
Envious Vice: I'd like Morgan to say "IT'S TIME!" and go for the hellevator, only for it to be reversed. Then Morgan can shout out "THAT'S NOT WHAT TIME IT IS!!!"
DashboardFonz: Ahahahaha.
Envious Vice: I can imagine Vader showing up once, too...
DashboardFonz: "ITS TIME"
DashboardFonz: No wait!
DashboardFonz: "IT’S VADER TIME!"
Envious Vice: Exactly.
DashboardFonz: Boogey could manage them as a tag team.
DashboardFonz: "ITS TIME, ITS TIME, ITS VADER...wait, hey Boogey, is it Vader time yet?"
Envious Vice: Ahaha.



Envious Vice: WAIT.
Envious Vice: NO.
Envious Vice: EVEN BETTER.
Envious Vice: Vader can be Matt Morgan's MegaZord.
Envious Vice: When he truly needs help (which is not often), he can call in Vader to save the day.
Envious Vice: The thought of Vader giving Morgan a piggyback ride as Morgan punches and kicks his opponent makes me happy inside.
DashboardFonz: Ahahaha, that would be amazing. Especially since Vader is smaller, older, and fatter.
Envious Vice: Yes~!
Envious Vice: He'd have to wear his super cool mask from back in the day.
DashboardFonz: Everyone should do that, though, not just Morgan.
DashboardFonz: Anyone who is getting beaten up can summon LORD VADER.
Envious Vice: That'd be awesome.
DashboardFonz: Imagine Shark Boy against Kurt Angle. Shark Boy is getting demolished and then...
DashboardFonz: "I SUMMON LORD VADER"
Envious Vice: A heel GM can have a cool staff, too. During matches with his buddies involved, he can throw the staff in the middle of the ring as he yells "MAKE MY BASTARD GROOOOOW!"
DashboardFonz: Ahahahahaha.
Envious Vice: The lights go out and when they come back on, Shark Boy is an actual 15 foot shark.
DashboardFonz: Amazing.
Envious Vice: Then you can have a gimmick where a small boobed Knockout (are there any?) steals the staff, throws it down and tries to make her boobs grow.
Envious Vice: But it backfires and her nose grows, and she becomes a witch.
Envious Vice: And then she can start dating Shark Boy.
Envious Vice: And Shark Boy has her create an army of Sharkticons.
Envious Vice: Obviously with an army of Sharkticons, he becomes world champion.
DashboardFonz: Only to be savagely attacked by Daffers.
Envious Vice: OOH OOH. Yes, bring in Daffers as Shark Girl.
Envious Vice: And then they can make a porno.
Envious Vice: And I'll masturbate fuBoldriously.
DashboardFonz: Then the promotion is renamed Total Nonstop Sharksex.
Envious Vice: How can WWE compete with Total Nonstop Sharksex?
Envious Vice: I'm going to end this by saying that jc7875 cannot compete with my booking.
DashboardFonz: You should challenge him to a book-off.
Envious Vice: That'd be like a seal trying to take down a t-rex.







Segment 15 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – No Disqualification Match - Harlem Steiners (Booker T and Scott Steiner) © vs. Team 3D(onut Minimum).



Cewsh: They did the best that they could.


Booker bumped around, Steiner did things his old ass has no business attempting, Team 3D tried to work around there severe restriction, with brawling, weapons, and tables. They all did the absolute best they could to produce the best match that they were, as a foursome, possibly capable of. I was leaning towards giving them the benefit of the doubt, and giving them a good score when the finish happened. So much for the good score.


Essentially what happened is this:


Both Booker T is knocked out and D’Von is right near to him, Brother Ray is stumbling around dazed. IN THEORY, D’Von and Steiner cover their alter egos at the same time, and since there was a second ref out there following a ref bump, we have two different winners. Of course, that is not how this happened. Steiner misses his cue, and D’Von lays on top of Booker for about 30 seconds before the ref bother to start counting it. Then the ref counting for Steiner decides to fast count. Then they decide that they need to leave the ring to review the finish after the refs see that they both have different winners. They go up the ramp, talk, and WITHOUT SEEING ANY INSTANT REPLAY FOOTAGE, decide that Stiner and Booker have won.


WHAT?!


Why was this a necessary way to end this match? There isn’t any other possible finish they could have worked out to make everyone look like less of a knobhead? Now I feel goddamn dirty for considering nice thoughts about the match earlier. Bad Cewsh! Bad!



60 out of 100.




Vice: In one corner, you have arguably one of the best tag teams ever and certainly one of the most decorated, if not THE most decorated (with meaningful titles, mind you) tag team of all time. Then you have the best of Harlem Heat teaming up with the better of the Steiner Brothers. Remove the rules and fight through the crowd, and what do you get?


Hmm.. what’s the word I want to use. How about..




FLOP?


Okay, so it wasn’t thaaaaaat bad. It was actually a lot better than it had any right to be, but like typical TNA, they just couldn’t let us witness a clean victory. It’s almost as bad as firing Don West, you assholes. I hate you, TNA.




The Heat Brothers Over Team 3D Following Shenanigans.







Segment 16 – The Tweet And Tweak Connection. I Will Never Type That Again.



Cewsh: Mick is still all butthurt because Kevin Nash is only in the business for the money and the power. Did he just meet Kevin Nash or something? Besides, its not like Nash has even been a jerk to Foley in this feud. He’s actually been levelheaded, straightforward, and classy. Mick, on the other hand, has been jumping through tables, yelling a lot, and stealing belts with outside interference.


Something not quite right here, yeah?







Segment 17 – TNA Legends Championship – Mick (Please Retire) Foley © vs. Kevin (Please Never Retire) Nash.



Cewsh: I refuse to do a play by play account of two old men who can hardly walk beating each other bloody in front of a crowd that is completely apathetic, for a belt that means nothing, in a promotion with no concept of how to frame something like this properly.


I refuse. The end.



50 out of 100.




Vice: This match was almost as sad as I was when I heard the news about Don West being fired. Two broken down old fogeys, battered and bloody, limping around the ring trying to make the other one even bloodier. Foley sold his bleeding well. For a few seconds I was legitimately thinking something had gone massively wrong, and then it all made sense. Still sold it well though. Nash had a pretty grand blade job as well.


This match was just all kinds of wrong, though. Saying the crowd gave a rat’s ass would be stretching it a lot. The finish irritated the bijesus out of me, too. Seriously, can TNA just not have clean finishes? I mean, Traci Brooks runs down to the ring and I honestly thought her paper-thin breast skin was going to rip off with the momentum of her implants bouncing up and down. Then she gets up on the ring apron and distracts Foley for half a second before Nash kicks Foley in the face, knocking him into Traci which in turn knocks her off the apron, and then Nash picks up the win. Why couldn’t Nash just be the better man here and simply kick Foley in the face for the win? Why does TNA need to have some sort of two second distraction/interference at the end of every match that does not feature an even more convoluted and ridiculous shenanigans?


Fuck you for firing Don West and fuck you for never having clean finishes. Hey, maybe that’s why no one buys your PPVs? Because you want to see how the story ends, and it NEVER ends on PPV? Ugh.




Kevin Nash Over Mick Foley Following Shenanigans.


YOUR NEW TNA LEGENDS CHAMPION: KEVIN NASH!







Segment 18 – Sting Is Never Gonna Make You Cry, Never Gonna Say Goodbye.



Cewsh: Sting is asked what he thinks about Morgan and Angle ganging up on him in their match. He responds by going on some rambling speech about never giving up hope and conquering the evil and all that and punctuates it by implying that honor will return to TNA when AJ Styles comes back.


Alright, something is definitely brewing with AJ. Verrrry interesting.







Segment 19 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt (The Worst Thing To Happen To Women Since Petticoats) Angle © vs. Matt (Oh, Is He On This Show?) Morgan vs. (The Desktop Icon) Sting.



Cewsh: Here we have the rare specimen known as “The TNA Main Event Featuring Someone New”. These are very rare indeed, and whenever we get the chance to have one, we should all, as one, join hands to bask in the warm glow of its uniqueness. Unfortunately, they packed on two of the old guard for this one, just in case we were entirely unwilling to try anything new, which is amusing when you consider how bad the buyrates have been recently anyway for these PPVs. Are TNA fans really going to not order a TNA PPV because its headlined by Matt Morgan? They don’t buy them anyway!


I digress. This match is essentially built from the ground up to highlight and put over Matt Morgan. From the start he is pretty much entirely dominant, throwing Sting and Angle around with ease. Angle and Morgan’s tenuous partnership actually lasts until about halfway through the match when Angle accidentally caused Morgan to fall outside of the ring. Morgan pushes Angle, Angle is indignant, Morgan wipes the sweat off of his chest and flicks it at Angle, Angle slaps Morgan upside the head, and Morgan plants his enormous foot in Angle’s face at high velocity. Such is life. The match continues with Morgan dominating Sting, and getting a near NEAR fall, which of course would have just been a fall except that Earl Hebner got knocked out. Of course. This allows Kurt Angle to come in with a chair and, well, shenanigans.


Alrighty. So as an attempt to get Morgan over as a credible monster, this match passes with flying colors. Both Sting and Angle let Morgan murder them and look completely in control all match long. As an attempt to put Morgan solidly in a program with the champion, it was a success there too, as the finish clearly leaves enmity between them. As a match on its own, however, this doesn’t quite get soaring marks. Sting came off feeling like a COMPLETE afterthought here, and the finish essentially erased and made pointless the entire match leading up to it. Also, it resulted in YET ANOTHER controversial finish, leading me to believe that as the booking team gets shaken up, they must have fired the guy with the manual for booking clean finishes. I mean, seriously, there was not one single piece of conflict resolution on this entire show, and while its acceptable in this match, the long string of similar finishes made this one seem abrupt, pointless, and silly.


Morgan did his bit. Time will tell if he has the ability to make it all the way. With all this leveled against him, I can’t see can he possibly could.



75 out of 100.




Vice: Angle: I really miss his beard and hair. He really does look like a penis now. Or, rather, looks like a penis again. At least grow the beard back, Angle. You were so cool with it. Angle was recently busted for HGH, stalking Rhaka Biggers after beating the shit out of her and probably like 40 other things and is currently out on bail. Kurt Angle is awesome and a true American hero.


Sting: I'd much prefer him in the role of a manager or mentor or SOMETHING that isn't wrestling in the ring. He's not bad, but he doesn't have any business still main eventing and winning the title at Bound for Glory 3 years in a row. Will he make it 4 years? 5? He also needs a massive overhaul with his look. He's been crow Sting for over a decade, but it's not cool at all anymore. Or relevant. Sure his look has "evolved" over the years by adding stupid patches of colors to his attire, having a more singlet-esque top part of his outfit which shows off exactly how old and undefined his pecs are, how flabby his back is, and his silly looking shoulders. Then you have his stupid MECHANIX MECHANIX MECHANIX MECHANIX MECHANIX gloves that are just so dumb. He needs to do something with his hair, too. It's not even normal looking healthy hair. It's become that Stone Age grandfather fuzz that is oh so unappealing on main event talent. And he's balding like a motherfucker and his hairline has receded so much that his face paint looks atrocious. Arg. And the stupid Howie Mandel patch of hair under his lip. Face it, Sting looks awful. Now that Don West is out of a job via douchebaggery, perhaps he'll sell Sting some health products and a hair restoration procedure.


Morgan: It's good to see him being tested out as a major player, main eventing a PPV in the main event with Sting and Angle. Yeah, those are some big names right there. He's evolving and getting really good, and TNA is going to continue to push the fuck out of him because it's working, and Morgan can hang with the top guys. There is a reason why Morgan's DNA was sent into space, you know.


The match was fairly good and I liked a number of things about it. Morgan and Angle had an alliance going in, which means that they're going to go at it at some point during the match. But here's what I liked about it: they were on the same page for like 80% of the match. Most alliances generally last like 3 minutes and mean nothing. But here it worked very well with the two of them working well together to take down Sting, only to have Angle accidentally screw Morgan over in a very innocent way. Morgan becomes furious and shit hits the fan and Morgan ends up killing Angle.


This part was amazing:




The best part about how it was done, was that Angle came out looking the victim even though he started it. It's what Matthew does to all kinds of people. He should get his name changed to Godfather Korea. Anyway, the end comes about with Angle going crazy with a steel chair which made the other 99% of the match completely meaningless and, of course, wasn't a clean finish at all. He thwacked Morgan by accident, but ends up pinning him. I'd have preferred a clean finish, though I suppose it does make Morgan look a bit more like a tank, needing a nasty chair to the face to be pinned. And I liked how the experience of Sting and Morgan was shown. Sting was able to get out of the way of the chair while Morgan takes it in the face. Sting takes a chair shot himself, but he's a veteran so he knows to land as close to the ropes as possible, and just like Don West from TNA, he disappears into the night. While Angle could have had a choice of who to pin, Sting made it so that only Morgan could be the lamb. Yeah, Sting still lost, but in multi-men matches it's always good to not be the one to take the pinfall so he can use that as a bargaining chip to get some sort of rematch in the future. A good effort from Morgan for sure, and a solid match overall.




Kurt Angle Over Everyone Else Following A Chairshot On Morgan.







--------------------------------------







Cewsh’s Conclusions:



Cewsh: I’ve been told that Vince Russo is the man who is stirring this booking pot now, and that this is really the first PPV under his direct control. As a result we had no clean finishes, a Cewsh Reviews record number of segments (the old record was 17 and set by, you guessed it, TNA), and an overall level of disappointment and bewilderment. I’m not judging the man or the new direction yet, but these do seem to sound very similar to the emotions felt by those who watch WCW in its dying days.


Please god don’t make me have to review The Fall of WCW Part 2: Electric Fuckatoo.



Cewsh’s Final Score: 62.3 out of 100.






Vice’s Verdict:



Vice: Overall, I'm pretty pissed that TNA fired Don West so they could replace him with Tazz.



Vice’s Final Score: FUCK YOU out of 100.






Vice's Awards:
















Well that'll do it for us this week boys and girls. We laughed, we cried, we ate meatballs and dispensed finely tuned wit and knowledge. As usual we come away from a TNA show with a sense of crushing dissapointment and humiliation. This time at least it was a DIFFERENT kind of pain. Next week we'll be serving up WWE's Summerslam PPV, which will almost undoubtably be a better show. So be sure to come back to your same Cewsh time and same cewsh station for the biggest party of the wrestling summer, and until then, keep reading, and be good to one another.