World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…
WWE SUMMERSLAM 2009
Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of the controversially C.O.B.R.A. affiliated Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a special treat in store for you, and even if we didn’t WWE would as, we bring you exclusive (at least exclusive to us) coverage of the biggest event of the summer, WWE Summerslam 2009! Now there are a lot of shows during the year that we review, but there’s always something special in the air when one of the really big shows rolls along, and it is our honor to review arguably the second biggest wrestling show of the year for the very first time.
Will WWE put on a show worthy of this stature? Will we mark out like children for another CM Punk main event? Why does Cewsh always ask rhetorical questions in threes? These questions will all be answered in good time. Or they won’t. I’m not a psychic. What I can tell you is that Ms. Cewsh came to Cewsh Review Headquarters, saw the mess we’d made of the place, and came along for the ride this time to class it up. So everyone on their best manners (HA) as we embark on the summers greatest thrill ride.
Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!
Cewsh: I know that a lot of people really feel strongly about their distaste for the new version of DX. They say it bastardizes the original, is too corny, has humor that only appeal to children, etc. Some of that might be true. Regardless I find them adorable and they can stay around forever as far as I’m concerned. Shawn is priceless as the goofy comedy guy, and you can just tell how much fun Triple H has reacting to him. Here they interrupt the opening video to crack some jokes and bash on Legacy, and why not? This show is about them anyway. I can dig it.
I CAN dig it, but I won’t. Manual labor is hard.
Segment 2 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Rey (The Superhero) Mysterio © vs. Dolph (The…Porn Star?) Ziggler.
Cewsh: Welcome to The Making Of Dolph Ziggler: Episode 2. In this episode we get to see the hero of our story, the young rising star Dolph Ziggler, take on his foe in a rematch of Night of Champions, to try yet again to obtain the coveted Intercontinental Championship. Last time we saw him, he was being put on the map after a surprisingly competitive and fun match against Rey Mysterio, and this time, he’s out to prove that he can go the distance. You’ll see him fight, you’ll see him fly, you’ll see death defying moves, and lightning fast reversals. You’ll see young Ziggler mature into a man right before your very eyes as he takes his foe to the absolute limit to prove he’s worthy of attention and consideration.
In fact there’s only one thing you won’t see in this episode, and that is a cameo by Maria. Which is a goddamn shame.
In all seriousness, this was a better version of their fast paced and surprising match at Night of Champions. Ziggler looked like a guy really starting to get it, and Mysterio did a great job of protecting him and keeping the match exciting. I will say this though, this match had an odd ass format. Ziggler would try to do a move on Mysterio and Mysterio would reverse it to varying degrees of success and vice versa. There wasn’t a ton of moving around the ring, and there weren’t many transitions either, leaving my reflections on the match feeling more like an island of moves by themselves, rather than a complete story being told. It was odd. The match was, essentially, just a series of chain wrestling encounters and near falls.
That said, it was fucking fun to watch.
79 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Opening the show is a much better slot for this match than Night of Champions’ spot was. It is also a better match. The wrestling is good, as is Ziggler’s athleticism. Other than his stupid name, I really have no complaints until the end. Alternate names for Dolph Ziggler could include: Dolph, The Ziggler, Dolph Zebra, (love the gloves,) Ziggy. Anything, really.
The match loses a lot of momentum from the ton of near falls, but that’s not what I’m going to punish it for. No, I’m going to punish it for the 619. In fact, I’m going to punish all matches for relying on terrible, contrived moves that require you to believe that opponent A can do a series of complicated dance moves, while opponent B lies motionless in a position they would never end up in, in a real fight.
Someday, WWE is going to come across this review while searching for “Rey Mysterio is a cum-guzzling gutter whore,” (Hey, what’s up?) and they will see my vitriolic rage for hackneyed moves like this. And then maybe, maybe, the 619, Ballin’, and the 5 Knuckle Shuffle will be retired, like they belong.
51 out of 100
Rey Mysterio Over Dolph Ziggler Following A Super Hurracanrana.
Segment 3 – MVP May Have Too Much Swagger.
Cewsh: Jack Swagger and MVP are backstage with Josh Matthews, and get some time to hype up their last minute added match up next. It was an odd thing to see two heated opponents talk trash to each other to each others faces right before having a match, and I settled in to watch a ho hum interview segment.
That aint what I got.
What I got was MVP completely out of nowhere delivering one of the best promos of the year. It was a little pander and hokey, but he delivered it with such conviction and skill that it INSTANTLY raised my opinion of the man several notches. I don’t give seals of approval to promos, but if I did, this would get one, just for how unexpected it really was. Well done, Montel.
Segment 4 – Jack(ed By The Standards Of 7 Year Old Girls) Swagger vs. M (Makes) V (Violin) P (Parts).
Cewsh: …and then this match happened.
These two guys come to the ring, lock up and proceed to have the most mediocre match imaginable. That’s not to say its bad, because there’s nothing remotely offensive about it. MVP gets the crowd into him, and Swagger’s lightning fast speed impresses me, but in between, stuff just sort of happens. It may just be that there wasn’t a ton of steam behind this match to begin with, and that a lot of people (myself included) didn’t even know it was going to be on the show, but the crowd is very clearly sitting on their hands or going to get another beer or whatever it is that they urgently need to take care of, and not taking an interest in this match.
These guys both keep showing me a ton of potential, but one of these days, one of them needs to have a performance that really sells me, and it’s a damn shame for MVP that tonight wasn’t that night, because grouped with that promo, it could have been a star making night for him. Alas.
65 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’! Ballin’!
Cewsh Note: It is at this point that Ms. Cewsh ran out of the room and viciously attacked the first basketball player she saw. With some gentle animal tranquilizers and some deep breathing exercises, we calmed her down enough to continue.
33 out of 100
MVP Over Jack Swagger Following The Playmaker.
Segment 5 – I Know What You Skanked Last Summer. She’s All Skank. Skanky Doo.
Cewsh: They pan around the audience to show all of the celebrities who have come out to the show. These include Luke Perry, the villain from Terminator 2 (and the Marine), Slash and a few others. This culminates with Nancy O’Dell, the host of television’s Access Hollywood and the aforementioned skank, interviewing Freddie Prinze Jr. about getting attacked by Orton when he guest hosted Raw. The whole segment was obnoxious, because O’Dell was entirely and massively out of her element in front of this kind of crowd, but Freddie was cool, and all signs are definitively pointing towards something going on between Freddie and Orton in the future.
Segment 6 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – (The Amazing) Jerishow © vs. (It’s A) Cryme (That This Is The First Legit Match they’ve Ever Had) Tyme.
Cewsh: There are, by my reckoning, 3 types of tag team matches. The sloppy ones that makes no fucking sense, the ones that follow the traditional tag team formula to the letter, and the one that aspire to more for better or worse. This match would have to follow under the “Formula” heading, but for once I’m not going to consider that a bad thing.
Jerishow come down to the ring first to snazzy new music that actually makes them seem like a legit team, followed by Cryme Tyme who come out to the same music as ever, that I still think is way too low energy for them. They get the match going, and immediately the formula is locked into place. The faces start strong, the heel take over, Big Show fucks people up, Jericho is a sneaky little bastard, and then the hot tag is made, then more heat, and then ANOTHER hot tag is made, and then the finish happens. These are basically the ABCs of tag team wrestling, but for once I found myself not minding very much. Jericho and the Big Show have become an incredible team in very little time, especially since they were thrown together at the last minute. Their chemistry feels natural, and they are without a doubt a force to be reckoned with.
Cryme Tyme on the other hand just doesn’t quite work. They’re fine as a team, but there’s just something missing. JTG and Shad never appear to be on the same wavelength character wise, and this match went along way to showing that JTG has some SERIOUS star potential, whereas Shad was just kind of there. The sequence at the end after JTG made the hot tag especially was electrifying, and basically turned me into a JTG fan in less than 5 minutes. That, coupled with the best finish of the night made for a fantastic end to a match that might otherwise been forgettable.
I hope they break up Cryme Tyme soon for JTG’s sake. He can do better. He WILL do better.
75 out of 100.
Vice: I love when people cut other people off while they’re cutting a promo. It just gives me this funny mental image of Shad and JTG being like “YO DUDE HIT OUR MUSIC! HIT IT NOW! CUT HIM OFF! CUT HIM OFF!”, “no! I’ll lose my job!”, “CUT HIM OFF, MOFO! YOU ABOUT TO GET SLLLLLLAAAPPED!”. And by all of that, I actually mean that cutting people off with music is ever so convenient, or just REALLY bad timing from the guy in charge.
Jericho and Big Show have an amazing theme. Best mash-up ever?
That is all.
Ms.Cewsh: Ahem, where was I? Ah, the match. It’s pretty standard tag fare, though a little boring at times. I feel like Jericho could have popped a bit more, but Show impressed me. I really like the visual of him standing on JTG’s foot, or Shad’s head. He’s big! He can step on people.
The worst part of the match is Cryme Tyme. They’re good in the ring, particularly JTG at the end, and actually look legit. That last part is the problem. They’ve been comedy characters and jobbers for three years, but suddenly they’re actually really good at wrestling and a total threat! Just repackage them, at that point. It’s a small critique, but it hampers my enjoyment of the match.
47 out of 100
Jerishow Over Cryme Tyme Following The Big Punch From Show To JTG.
Segment 7 – PUNK! PUNK! PUNK!
Cewsh: Remember MVP’s awesome promo from earlier? Forget about it. Cookie Monster Punk slaps MVP out of the way with his dick and cuts a promo so good, it made me warm inside.
Or maybe that was the booze.
Don’t judge me!
Segment 8 – Kane (Will Be Carrying...) vs. The Great (Sigh) Khali.
Cewsh: Ladies and gentlemen if you’ll direct your eyes to the large gentleman in red, he will be carrying a very heavy load for your entertainment this evening. Please do not be alarmed, as he has been doing this for years, and knows exactly how to accomplish this without harming himself too much.
What to say about this match? Play by play wouldn’t really do anything justice, since there weren’t a whole lot of “plays” to begin with. There was a lot of Kane bumping all over the ring for Khali, while the Great One did his best to put on a watchable match when he clearly is about as mobile as an overturned turtle. He repeatedly struggled to even get to the ground to make a pin, and it becomes intensely hard to watch. I’m not one of those guys to bash Khali for his lack of ability. He clearly does the best he can with his broken down body, and Kane does everything short of shoot himself in the head to make Khali look like a killer, but there’s just a limit to how good a match like this could possibly be. There’s a limit, and they don’t even reach it. They try to throw in Ranjin Singh as Khali’s brother and as a distraction to help things, and it does help a little, but in so many ways, it just turns out to be too little too late.
40 out of 100.
20 out of 100
Kane Over The Great Khali Following A Running DDT.
Segment 9 – D (Dork) Generation X vs. Legacy (Of Kain. I Have To Come Up With A New One Of These.)
Cewsh: Remember earlier when I talked about the three types of tag team matches? Remember how I said that one of the types of tag matches was when they’d throw away the formula and aspire to something greater? Well here it is. These four guys take this match and aspire to take it to the stars. Do they make it? RAFO, baby, read and find out.
DX are out first with an incredibly elaborate entrance which was more than a little confusing. There are a lot of explosions, then a bunch of soldiers come out and shoot pyro guns at the ceiling mounted pyro machines, and then DX comes out on a tank, simulating giant guns as their dicks and shooting off loads of pyro.
Here's Shawn Michaels' cock:
...and Triple H's cock:
I’m confused and a little disturbed by the imagery of Triple H with a 12 foot cock that fires mortars, and then nothing more is mentioned of this odd military theme. They do their spiel, out comes Legacy, and we’ve got ourselves a match.
Right from the start this match sets out to be different. Rather than Legacy immediately getting heat or DX showing their domination and squashing Legacy like so many people speculated, Legacy starts playing mind games with DX and they actually work. Then they start to work Shawn Michaels over in a great piece of psychology because Shawn has some ring rust from being gone for 6 months. Then they build the heat, and build the heat, and just keep right on stacking the heat higher and higher, and the fans, who probably assumed this was going to be a squash as well, slowly start to rise to the match, until they reach a fever pitch that makes all reactions on the show before it look like dogshit. Its here that Legacy just go into a gear that they’ve never shown before. Dibiase being the battering ram going toe to toe with each guy, and Rhodes being the brains of the outfit that orchestrates the whole thing and takes advantage of opportunities, these two not only make themselves look like they could win this match at any moment, they actually make DX look like the goddamn underdogs! Legacy keeps the advantage for almost 10 straight minutes. Unbelievable.
Finally, though, Legacy shows its inexperience and Dibiase gets taken out, leading to a break down of their well crafted plans. From there the match becomes exciting as hell as everyone flies all over the ring to save victory from the mouth of defeat. Big moves start raining down from all sides, and at one point Cody Rhodes actually lands the Crossrhodes, causing the entire arena all at once to lose their mind as he BARELY misses getting the win. Then we accelerate full speed to the very good finish and these guys head to the back with a job well done.
This match absolutely made Legacy. In one night they went from underachieving lackeys to possibly the best tag team in the WWE, and near future superstars. DX came through too with that chemistry that they have always undeniably had. But this match was really a coming out party for Legacy, and a decade from now, when they’re both carrying this company, we’ll look back at this match and say that this was the beginning of it all. This is where Rhodes and Dibiase separated themselves from their father. This is where they became men.
Suffice to say, this is the tag team match of the year. Something could surpass it, but I seriously doubt it. Just wow.
91 out of 100.
Cewsh's Download Seal Of Approval
Vice: Suck it. If you’re not down with that, suck it.
Yeah.. you heard me. What, that doesn’t make sense? Huh?
I can see a lot of people absolutely loving DX’s entrance, but to me it was everything that is wrong with WWE and I absolutely despised it. Big surprise, right?
The match did its job well enough, and I do have to give props to the most immature 40 year olds on the planet, ‘cause they did a pretty great job of making Legacy look great for once. Legacy still lost, but you don’t have to win to look like a million bucks. I’d say that DX made Legacy look like about $831,492, which isn’t quite a million, but it’s not fucking bad either considering how much of a frugal fanny Triple H can be.
It’s good to see Legacy not being completely embarrassed, though I do wonder how long it will last.
Ms.Cewsh: DX, one word, five syllables. Over.comp.en.sat.ing. <3 .="" span="" style="color: #ff99ff; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">
93 out of 100 3>
DX Over Legacy Following Sweet Chin Music From Michaels On Rhodes.
Segment 10 – ECW Championship – (Not Very) Christian © vs. William (Needs A Crown) Regal.
Cewsh: Hmm. Okay, I better chronicle this. Christian comes out, being all Christiany. Then Regal comes out flanked by his new friends Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov, then the bell rings, Regal goes to take off his coat, Christian gets him caught in it, hits the Killswitch and wins the match.
Immediately following this, Regal, Kozlov, and Jackson absolutely annihilate Christian, leaving him a quivering mass of trodden on jelly in the middle of the ring. This was all so incredibly abrupt that the audience clearly had absolutely no idea how to take it and neither do I. What was this all about? Were they running short on time? Was somebody injured? I have no clue. It was still pretty awesome.
70 out of 100.
Vice: If there’s one match I was looking forward to outside of the main event, this is it. Regal is a wonderful man and Christian has been absolutely on fire since his return. How could this not be a great match on PPV?
Oh, right. Like Matthew in the sack (according to Bagpipes & Street Lights Weekly), it was done and done in 5 seconds. It’s as if Vince watched TNA’s latest PPV and was in awe of how well booked Rob Terry vs. SuperMex was, so he decided to do his own version of it. Here is the difference: Rob Terry vs. SuperMex in an actual match would have been one of the worst matches of the year, while Christian vs. Regal in an actual match could have been one of the best.
Good one, WWE. I hate you.
Ms.Cewsh: I don’t…well…uh… It wouldn’t have lived up to the last match anyway.
65 out of 100
Christian Over William Regal Following The Killswitch.
Segment 11 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Randy (THE VIPER) Orton © vs. John (THE DIAPER) Cena.
Cewsh: This match is a story of two halves. The first half is the very good match that took place here and the entire big fight feel that came attached to it. These guys have fought each other one on one so seldom that it really feels like a special treat when we get to see them go at it, and they have better chemistry than you’d ever expect.
So they have themselves a great little under main event here, without doing everything they can do to save for the inevitable Wrestlemania matchup between these two. I was plugging along, digging this match, digging it hardcore, and then, all of a sudden, just as the match was getting going towards the finish, Orton pushes the ref and gets disqualified.
“Alright,” I think “He’s done this before, and it’s a great heel thing to do.” Then Lillian gets on the microphone and fucks everything up, first by announcing that there’s a new WWE champions, which makes the crowd go crazy until it becomes clear that she means that Orton RETAINED the title, which deflates everyone. Then she announces that Vince has required the match to restart and that if Orton gets disqualified again he’ll lose the title. Alright, fair enough. So they restart the match, and Orton bounces and gets counted out. Lillian then says that Vince has barred this as well. Orton rolls in, pins Cena with his feet on the ropes, and then a ref runs in and reverses the decision! At this point both Orton and Cena seem dumbfounded. Then Cena fucks Orton up and slaps on the STF, when a fan runs in from the crowd and attacks the fucking ref! In the confusion, Orton hits the RKO on Cena in the ropes, and then nails it again, this time for the victory.
Just what in the shit fuck was this all about? Were ALL of those shenanigans seriously necessary? Couldn’t the fan have just run in? After this match, they took the unbeatable, unstoppable Cena and made him look like the world’s biggest bitch as Orton outsmarts and defeats him over and over again while he looks like a helpless little bitch in the corner. Its absolutely ridiculous. This is easily the worst finish I have seen this year in WWE, and maybe anywhere, including TNA. They damaged Cena about as bad as they possibly could have in one night.
76 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Cena and I’ve been through some rough times. He’s sent me on a homicidal killing spree of the world’s kittens. He’s given me the match of the year. He gave me the greatest night of passion I’ve ever known. He didn’t call after. Orton and I, however, will always have a love written in the stars. That’s going to make reviewing this match difficult, not to mention extremely awkward. We start out by mixing up the usual Cena formula, and it’s actually quite good.
You know what? No. Never mind. Fuck this match. Fuck it.
I was right there with you until the DQ. I was even willing to stand by your side after the restart and Lillian, (mostly Lillian,) killed the momentum. I took you back after the count out, but no more! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS? LET’S JUST HAVE “VINCE” HAND THE GODDAMN MATCH TO JOHN FUCKING CENA ON A MOTHERFUCKING SILVER PLATTER! AND THEN, AND THEN! LET’S NOT GIVE IT TO HIM AFTERALL! WE’LL MAKE OUR TOP STAR LOOK LIKE A SAD LITTLE BITCH, CRYING IN THE CORNER, AFTER LOSING 4 TIMES! TO INTRODUCE A MYSTERY RUN-IN AND KILL THE TENSION AND MOMENTUM! YAY! WE’RE GENIUSES!
I love you Randy, and the match was pretty good even up until the count out, but Vice had it right last review.
FUCK YOU out of 100
Vice: I’ve just received word that this match was crap! First off, I’m sick of these two going at it. Everyone knows how I feel about John Cena by now, and if you don’t, you clearly have no idea who I am. Randy Orton has totally gone back to being his boring, shit self. That’s all there is to it. He was boring, then caught fire and became amazing, and now he is wretched. What a snafu this was. They mixed up the usual formula by quite a bit, but it was a ton of overbooked nonsense on top of a painfully boring match. That’s just awful.
Okay, I despise Cena, but they made him look so awful, so dreadful, so atrocious, so loser-ish, that I actually.. felt.. bad for him. Yes, even the incredibly cruel Vice does not wish such a fate on anyone—even John Cena. Holy zonks did he come out of that match looking like a fucking nitwit. Everything about the match was just painful. I cannot stress that enough. The RAW side of WWE is so awfully booked and everything about it is irritating. It’s so stale and everyone is being wasted to a degree, with no real stars being built up and the current stars looking like shit through awful booking. Did I mention awful booking? I’d say that Vince Russo booked this shit, but I don’t want to insult the man. I could rant about this match for much longer, but I’ll just call it bullshit and move on. This match was bullshit. Actually, I can’t just stop there. Sorry.
The match is pretty incredible if you watch it with this...
...on a loop. Brilliant stuff.
Randy Orton Over John Cena Following EVERY POSSIBLE SHENANIGAN.
Segment 12 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Jeff (See You In The Future) Hardy © vs. CM (Cohabitating Muskrats) Punk
Cewsh: Ah, here we are now. The main event of Summerslam, and one of the most improbable sights imaginable. Who alive could have predicted years ago that this PPV including John Cena vs. Randy Orton and the return of DX would be headlined by the duo of CM Punk and Jeff Hardy? Anyone who claims to have seen that coming is a goddamn liar because even the most optimistic of us couldn’t have foreseen Punk’s meteoric rise to fame. But here he is, and here is the newly minted main event Jeff Hardy, and this is the moment that they both can prove that they belong.
Starting off the match, they keep things simple at first. The have themselves, for all intensive purposes, a regular wrestling match for a few minutes. But they’re just getting warmed up. Jeff goes for the Poetry in Motion and BAM, Punk drops him back first on the upturned chair. Then Punk starts going to town on Jeff with the ladder, and in general asserts himself who refuses to be intimidated by the stipulation of this match. Punk nails a great Suicide Dive to the outside, but gets paid right back with a devastating midair chair shot from Hardy just moments later. There’s a back story here where Punk keeps trying to put Jeff’s neck in the chair and ram it into the ring post like he did on Smackdown when he brutalized Jeff earlier this month, but Jeff keeps reversing it and making trouble for Punk.
Hardy goes up to the turnbuckle after setting Punk on a table in an attempt to end the match early, but as he leaps Punk just narrowly dodges out of the way at the last moment. Punk grabs one of those absurdly huge ladders from somewhere and climbs it, but Jeff gets up in time to stop him. They struggle for awhile and Punk tries to get the Go 2 Sleep on Hardy off the ladder, but Hardy reverses this as well into an enormous rolling powerbomb. Then, of course, Jeff pulls a ladder out and pays for it by taking on of the nastiest falls in recent memory after his leg gets caught on the top rope. Then, to add further injury, Punk superplexes Hardy right on top of the ladder injuring them both in the process. If it seems like I’m just listing moves, its because frankly its hard enough just to catalogue all of the fast paced action going on here. This guys are having a great ladder match. Not great ladder spots, but a great MATCH.
Punk takes his advantage and hits the Shining Wizard in the corner on Hardy, but before he can hit the bulldog, Hardy manages to dump Punk over the top rope and through a table to earn himself a brief respite. Not enough of one, however, as Punk manages to springboard in and foil Hardy’s attempt to make another climb. Then, outside the ring, Punk calls for the chair neck thing again, but again Hardy is one step ahead of him, bashing him repeatedly with the chair and moving all of the furniture around. The crowd starts to buzz. Jeff pulls the monitors and the top off of the announce table. The crowd starts to rise to their feet. Then Jeff grabs his fucking insane 20 foot ladder, and every person in the building is on their feet, yelling with excitement. He sets Punk up on the table and slowly makes his way to the top. The words “No fucking way” run through my head, even though I know as well as everyone else watching what is going to happen. 30 feet in the air, Jeff throws himself into space. Swanton Bomb. Fucking Kaboom. The kind of move that will live on forever.
Unfortunately for Jeff, however, he injured himself just as much as Punk with his demonic descent. They both reach the ladder in the middle of the ring simultaneously. They both climb slowly, agonizingly slowly, until they reach the top and duke it out. Who will win? Which warrior will win the brutal battle?
Well, frankly, we’re the winners, because this was a great match. This was everything it needed to be, and both Punk and Hardy look like the main eventers that they need to be. What a fantastic way to cap off this show. Wow.
83 out of 100.
Cewsh's Download Seal of Approval
Vice: Amazing. It just flowed so damn well and shows how damn good these two are in such an environment. Not surprising for Jeff since half his matches in his career include ladders and whatnot, but relatively surprising for Punk. There’s seriously one thing Punk can’t do in wrestling, and, well, life in general.. and that’s not be awesome. I love Punk.
I really loved the ending. Jeff goes and kills himself to kill Punk, but after years of abuse in matches like these, he ends up hurting himself more than Punk. Not ever giving up, he musters up everything he has in his heart and soul and makes one last desperate climb to the top of the ladder to try to keep the thing that’s most important to him, and Punk basically just says nah. It didn’t end in some ridiculous high spot with someone flying through 19 tables. It was just Punk being in better condition at the end and wanting it more. Hey kids, you know what that’s called? Storytelling.
Ms.Cewsh: I had really high hopes for this match, and I was worried when it starts off kind of slow. They’re both so great in ladder matches, with tons of innovative spots, that it’s disconcerting to see no tables or chairs and very little ladder work, outside of using it as a battering ram, for the first 10 minutes or so. Then, Punk takes an absolutely sick chair shot, and the whole pace of the match changes.
Hardy is far more brutal than I ever recall him being. He absolutely massacres Punk in and out of the ring. There are some nice spots, but nothing really memorable. That is, of course, until Jeff brings out the 30 ft ladder. There’s the customary Swanton off the top of the ladder, which is both beautiful and heart stopping. (You couldn’t have set it 2 feet back so it didn’t look like your head was going to hit every rung on the way down?!) Punk sells it like a million bucks, something I always appreciate in Jeff’s matches.
The finish is a little anticlimactic, but a great visual none the less. It lets Jeff step out looking strong, but not robbed. I’ll eagerly anticipate the rematch after Jeff’s hiatus.
84 out of 100
CM Punk Over Jeff Hardy Following His Retrieving The Title Belt.
Vice: With Punk standing tall with the title in his hands, the lights flicker. Obviously my very first reaction was “TAKER!!!!”, but Punk sold it beautifully. He didn’t overdo it. He just looked a bit confused, as if he was wondering if the power was going to legitimately go out. When everything went back to normal, he continued celebrating overtop Hardy’s corpse. Then the gong hits and it definitely is Taker. Undertaker switching with Jeff Hardy was spectacular. I totally fell for it, since I couldn’t take my eyes off of Punk and just how gorgeous he is with the title. Yeah, the whole thing got an EEP out of me which is very rare with wrestling these days.
CM Punk is now a 3 time World Heavyweight Champion, is main eventing PPVs and is now going to feud with Undertaker. What the fuck. That’s just phenomenal.
Cewsh: The Undertaker! YUS! Fucking yes! Punk/Taker for the mothercunting win motherfuckers! YEAH!
Ms. Cewsh: The only thing I don’t like about this match is the post-match shenanigans. Though, that may only be because I was hoping this feud would get more time.
Cewsh: This was a great show. It had low points like all shows do, but this was such a perfect kind of Summerslam. The DX comeback was great, there was a top billing match in Orton/Cena which had the ultimate controversial ending, and the whole evening was capped off by a fantastic and exciting main event with a surprise ending. It had surprises, it kept me interested, and it left me feeling really happy to have seen it. That sort of show is rare to find.
Ms Cewsh’s Final Purr:
Ms. Cewsh: I wish we could stop having matches like Kane/Khali on PPV. It really drags down the average and forces me to assure you that my score isn’t as bad as it seems. The three main events were varying shades of awesome, but the under/midcards were pretty neglected. Unfortunately, that’s not odd for WWE, nor is being left with the feeling that the show was better than you gave it credit for.
It’s a lot better than my score gives it credit for.
Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 54.5 out of 100 kitties.
Vice: Overall, I was pretty let down by this show. Summerslam is generally billed and regarded as the second biggest show of the year, but I honestly can’t remember the last time it felt like that when all was said and done. Summerslam ’98 was the first PPV I actually ordered, so Summerslam is a somewhat special PPV to me in a way.
The PPV summed up WWE well as a whole, though. Smackdown generally brought the goods, and even if the match wasn’t good (Khali/Kane), they still tried their best to put on a good show. RAW was just a mess, with everything being overdone and taking valuable time away from other things. And ECW, even though it’s an incredibly solid show from what I’ve seen and heard, is given about as much attention as a bum outside 7-11 begging for spare change.
A pretty poor showing in the end, but boy did it end well.
Vice's Final Score: 44 out of 100.
Alright, that'll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you had fun sharing the biggest (and apparently most polarizing) event of the summer with us, and for one reason or another I get the feeling that this is one show that we'll be talking about, or more accurately arguing about, for years to come. Be sure to join us again next Tuesday when we tackle something entirely new for Cewsh Reviews, as we head out across the Pacific Ocean and wind up in the beautiful country of Italy to review a show from Rikishi's NWE promotion. This may seem like another random indy, but I assure you my friends, they get the best talent there is to get. Juventud Guerrera, Orlando Jordan, Chris Masters, and even the Ultimate Goddamn Warrior have passed through those doors, and we can't wait to see what's in store for us, as we review NWE Catch Direct 8: Episode 1. Until then, be sure to keep reading, and take care of each other.