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July 26, 2009

WWE Night of Champions 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…




WWE Night of Champions 2009




Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of Cewsh Reviews 2: The One With The Knucklepuck. Tonight we have a special treat for you, as always, as we bring to you the only night of the year where every championship in the WWE is required to be on the line, the WWE Night of Champions. Now I have to tell you, the whole idea behind a championship only PPV is pretty cool to this humble reviewer, and these PPVs have, so far, been pretty good across the board, so hopes are running high on this night, especially since CM Punk is officially main eventing (like, for realz) his first PPPV here. Join us in rooting him on, as we all get gilded together.


Gilded. Like covered in gold, you see. Because the belts are gold? Well, kind of. Some of them.


Yeah.


ANYWAY, join the your favorite two lovable bastards, and the ever enchanting Ms. Cewsh and without further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!








Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!



Cewsh: I feel kind of bad after watching the video package. On one hand, it was a nice little package hyping the championship aspect of this show, and showing all the great champions throughout history (with some notable exceptions as you might expect), interspliced with the champions of today, but even though they showed the champions from today and Christian, I saw no Dreamer. Maybe he was in there for a split second and I missed him, but if not, poor guy. No love for the Mighty Manatee. The Hardcore Hippo. The Extreme Elephant. The Innovator of Insulin. The Heart and Hoagie of ECW.


I could do these all day.








Segment 2 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – Chris (Wait A Minute, This Isn’t The Main Event) Jericho and ???? © vs. Team Legacy (of Kain) (Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase).



Cewsh: As we get the show rolling with the MYSTERIOUS tag team match, a few thoughts randomly entered my head, as thoughts are known to do from time to time. First was a general happiness to see the set, with all the huge velvet (looking) banners with the belts on them and everything. It’s a swanky setup and it really makes this event seem more prestigious than it, strictly speaking, actually is. Second, I went off on a little rant in my own head about how the Unified belt is still two separate belts. I mean, I get that it looks cool with all the belts, and it does, but to me it makes the title seem less credible, and more like a temporary fly by night concept, than an official thing. Finally, I thought to myself, “Cewsh”, I call myself Cewsh, I said “Cewsh, I wonder who Jericho’s partner is going to be.” Then, unbidden into my mind came the image of the Rock coming out and Rock Bottoming everyone to triumphant cheers, then beating up Jericho, stealing the belt and going home to Hollywood to shoot a movie called “My Belt and Me”.


Unfortunately nothing could possibly live up to that idea, so let’s snap back to reality for a minute.


Anyhow, Jericho talks some trash about how Edge sucks for having the gall to get injured, and then they show a video that screams “Edge is coming back as a face!” so loud that I think they heard it in Bangkok (heh). Then Jericho get’s on with the business of selecting his mystery partner. Is it the Rock? Is it the Miz? Is it…yeah, it’s the Big Show. If my reaction seems disappointed that’s because, well, I’m disappointed. Its not that they had to blow me out of the water with his mystery partner, and I see fun ways that their team could go, but Show was already in a title feud with Kingston where he was overwhelmingly likely to win the 6 Pack Challenge tonight. Why would he give that up to team with Jericho of all people? It just doesn’t make a ton of sense.


Aside from the mystery partner selection, there was a match here, and it was odd with a capital Pamela Anderson. Big shows started off bludgeoning Legacy half to death, and then Jericho got tagged in and then did some awkward looking teamwork, and the Legacy proceeded to heel up and work over Jericho while Jericho actually played a goddamn face to huge cheers from the crowd. What the shit? They go on for several minutes like this, and then Big Show tags in and they speed to the finish.


The idea of Chris Jericho being a face right now, or even playing one out of necessity is part of what I hate about the tag team formula so much. This was a heel verses heel match, but because of the sacred tome of tag team wrestling handed down from on high, somebody had to be the babyface in peril. It’s a stupid weakness of tag team wrestling, and really just makes me want to wash my hands of the whole concept altogether. That said, the actual work itself in this match wasn’t awful, I was just turned off by the peripherals to it. As man will tell you, however, the really nice solid tv stand never matters as much as the big ass flat screen tv on top of it.



68 out of 100.



Ms. Cewsh: The match starts with Jericho making a huge hullabaloo about who his partner will be, while setting himself up for a feud with Edge when Edge comes back. Surprise! His partner is Big Show, someone who ALSO hates Edge! I’m sure this won’t ever come into play.


Show’s not a bad choice. I’ve liked him in tag-teams, before. I do not, however, like Show’s new look. The man has chicken legs. He really needs the knee pads to camouflage that.



It’s kind of a strange match. Heel vs. heel doesn’t work, in general, so Jericho and Show sort of play plucky faces, with Jericho in peril and Show trying to get the tag to save him. The ref enforces the tag rope, but only for Show. We still have tag ropes?!


About halfway through the match, one of the announcers says, “Legacy can’t get DQd, or they can’t win the gold”. Apparently, he meant they literally can’t be DQd, because the end features typical wonky, heel tag work. It’s fine, even entertaining, but after making such a big deal about Show holding the tag rope, the ref is really just going to watch Rhodibiase run halfway across the ring to interfere? It doesn’t matter in the end, though, so I suppose it’s a small enough criticism.



58/100




Vice: Big Show had new attire, sporting a traditional dark blue/light blue singlet (which looks fucking stupid) and also sporting a really slick goatee. He looked really good here, and I love teams comprised of a big guy and a little guy. It creates a really cool dynamic, and allows the little guy to get his shit rocked for a while and then make the massive tag to the monster, who comes in and simply destroys everybody.


Solid match with a fairly predictable outcome. Should not have opened the show, however. It just didn’t have that intensity or that fire that opening matches should have.


Legacy didn’t have a chance, really, both in kayfabe land and in WWE booking land.




The Big Jerishow over Team Legacy Following The Colossal Clutch From Show To Dibiase.








Segment 3 – CM Punk Calls Out Jeff Hardy Fans.



Cewsh: I got a boner.







Segment 4 – ECW Championship – Tommy Dream(s of Donuts)er © vs. Christian (Closet Ginger).



Ms. Cewsh: Does anyone else find themselves humming Hello Dolly when Dreamer comes out? No? Too obscure? Crap.


This match requires a great deal of suspension of disbelief. No, not the belief that Tommy Dreamer’s tubby ass is 255 lbs. That’s normal suspension of disbelief. This match requires you to believe that a perennial jobber, a man who went 9-30 only a year and a half ago, is not only a credible threat, but a dominant champion. It’s too much suspension, for some.


Christian spends the beginning of the match working Tommy over on and with the ropes. They eventually end up out of the ring, and there is much ado about the possibility of a count out. Unfortunately, we are not treated to a short match, and Tommy rolls Christian back into the ring.


Tommy, then hulks up and proceeds to use his limited offence. It doesn’t look good, but it is far from as bad as my partner claims. There’s a bit of back and forth, with Tommy mostly maintaining the upper hand, until Christian goes for a sleeper.


Again, this results in a dramatic near-count out, and again we are not spared. Tommy again takes control of the match, subjecting Christian to the patented, “push your opponent in the direction of the turnbuckle, get the crowd to chant your now-defunct promotion’s name, and then bunny hop at your opponent.” He then proceeds to use other people’s finishers as transitional moves, something Cewsh fumes over, but have no fear! They’re done so poorly; the moves barely resemble a finisher.


Eventually, Christian remembers that he’s younger, better, and not a joke. Three attempts at the Killswitch, before he hits it for the win and the title change. Fortunately, there’s an emotional hug to show that there are no hard feelings, and everything is alllllll better.



49/100




Vice: I don’t why Tommy was ever given the ECW title. Still baffles me, to be honest. He still tries really hard to put on entertaining matches, and can, but he’s just a fish out of water in ECW, which is kind of awkward if you think about that. Christian has been on fire this year, putting in some of the best work of his entire career. Him going to TNA was the best thing that ever happened to his career, because he was put in a position that Vince never put him in and he thrived, learning how to work a main event style while honing all of his skills and being the best he could possibly be. When he came back to WWE, not only did he have all those skills and the confidence he gained in TNA, but he was a new person upon his return. He didn’t have that “will never be a massive player, no matter how ridiculously over and loved he is” stigma that plagued him for years. He always just seemed like a placeholder for lesser people to rise above him, but now he’s the guy that’s rising up. It’s well deserved, too. Kudos to him, because he’s certainly earned it over the years.


Christian picks up the title here. There’s a nice moment where Tommy Dreamer offers a handshake to Christian because he was definitely the better man tonight, and Christian gives him a hug instead. It was a nice passing of the torch moment, even though it’s not like Tommy actually had a torch to pass because his sell by date was many years ago and really had no business winning the title when he did. A bit of a ridiculous situation if you think about it for half a second, but it was still a nice moment between two friends. It was very well done.




Cewsh: FUCK YOU YOU FAT SHIT. ECW DIED A DECADE AGO AND YOU’VE BEEN A JOBBER EVER SINCE AND I’M EXPECTED TO ACCEPT YOU AS CHAMPIONSHIP MATERIAL NOW THAT YOUR OLDER AND EVEN LESS GOOD IN THE RING THAN YOU WERE WHEN YOU WERE JOBBING TO FUNAKI?! RETIRE YOU LACIVIOUS FUCK.



63 out of 100.






Christian over Tommy Dreamer Following the Killswitch.


YOUR WINNER AND NEW ECW CHAMPION: CHRISTIAN!








Segment 5 – The Big Jerishow Must Go On.



Cewsh: Jericho got a boner.







Segment 6 – WWE United States Championship – (The Job Squad) Kofi Kingston © vs. Jack Swagger vs. Carlito vs. The Miz vs. Primo vs. MVP.



Vice: This really felt like a TNA match right here, with all the ridiculous spots and tons of energy.


I enjoyed it quite a bit, really, even if there were a lot of contrived spots. It’s smart of WWE though, letting their guys go out there and work a crazy indy/TNA-esque match. See, TNA isn’t competition for a number of reasons, and even though they probably won’t ever be true competition to Vince, he’s making sure that they will never be in a position where TNA could be competition. Stuff like this is why. He’s taking the TNA formula for crazy X-division matches, but using bigger names and better talent, so there is absolutely no reason why you’d want to tune in to TNA to see a worse version of this match right here with people you don’t know or care about. And yeah, this is TNA’s multi-man style with tons of interactions between guys and combining lots of moves to make super moves. WWE didn’t do this kind of shit a few years ago, and now they’re doing it fairly often since TNA has been getting better ratings and pushing the limit of innovation over the years. Think about it, ‘cause it makes sense.


THIS should have been the opening match. It’s good to see Kofi Kingston pick up the win here, because he’s really fun and exciting to watch. I’ve grown to love the guy. I don’t see him ever being a main eventer, but he’s the perfect midcard guy, and the midcard is essential to any sort of wrestling show.




Cewsh: Christ what a mess this match was.


There was no rhyme or reason to anything that occurred here. There was nobody in this match with enough experience to keep the match in line, and there was absolutely no story or psychology or anything else to be found here. The closest thing to a story here was that Primo and Carlito hate each other, and then, against all reason and logic, Primo forgives Carlito and teams up with him before being betrayed. Guys come flying into the fray only to disappear seconds later, for no reason.


This is a ladder match with no ladders between a bunch of guys with no business trying to work a match like this without veteran leadership. This was a waste of all 6 of these people, and I think less of all of them following it.


Ugh.


41 out of 100.




Ms. Cewsh: I love high flyers. I love fun spots. I love flips and athleticism. On paper, I love this match.


This match is boring as hell.



32/100




Kofi Kingston Over Everybody Following The Trouble In Paradise To Carlito.







Segment 7 – Randy Orton Doesn’t Like Being Disrespected.



Cewsh: Ms. Cewsh suspiciously got a boner.







Segment 8 – WWE Women’s Championship – Michelle Mc(Not)Cool © vs. (Elastigirl) Melina.



Vice: Short version:


Sell the fucking leg and your head, you absolute whore.


Long version:


The match starts off in a fantastic way, with Melina doing her splits entrance, only to get a dropkick to the vagina. Or penis. Seeing how Melina looks tonight, I honestly have no idea if she’s a man or a woman. She’s competing in a women’s match, but men have won women’s titles before, so you never know. I don’t understand how people can tolerate Melina’s face. Ugh.


Anyway:





Ms. Cewsh: AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God, why hasn’t anyone done that to Melina, before? Beautiful.




Vice: That’s awesome. It got me thinking, though. Next time she’s the second one to enter, will she still do the splits knowing that she might get kicked in the balls once more? That would irritate me quite a bit, if I’m being honest. If you’re going to do spots like that, the wrestlers should learn from what happens and play off of that. Then again, it did take Ric Flair 20 years to finally hit that double axehandle off the top rope..



This was ridiculous:





Melina’s head didn’t actually hit the rail of course, but it’s a disgusting looking move when you watch it in full speed. Slowed down you can see that Melina’s head is a good 6 inches away from any sort of contact and her hair hides that well, but that’s beside the point. That is a SICK spot. A move like that should be reserved for a last man standing or hardcore/no DQ or something much more important than a women’s match, no offense to them. Since they used it in this match, it should have given McCool a count out victory over Melina because nobody should get up from that for a long, long time. But, naturally, Melina is up and in the ring at 7~!, and then regains control of the match via nifty counter and proceeds to sell it like she was simply slapped in the face, whereas she should be selling DEATH.


Seriously, Melina should have been dead for the rest of the match aside from maybe one big comeback that McCool cuts off before she gets in trouble. Melina would come out looking like she had a lot of heart, and McCool would come out looking pretty fucking awesome, and they could milk that DDT spot for a while. But.. no. They go back to their fast pace, and Melina doesn’t even sell her hurt leg from earlier. Or her head. Or anything, really.


I respect them for going out there and giving it 120% and putting on what is probably the most exciting and entertaining women’s match of the year, but they sacrificed so many basic fundamentals of wrestling in the process that it seriously made me go bonkers. From absolute nobodies who couldn’t even win a Diva Search to doing a match like this.. it’s very impressive in a way, but they really do need to work on storytelling and consistency. They also need to sell the damage from a grueling match after the match finishes. McCool was slightly out of breath and Melina looked like she was just getting warmed up, which was fucking bullshit. Arg.


Call me crazy, but again, stuff like this might be WWE’s countering of TNA. TNA has been putting on some entertaining women’s matches lately, and those tend to gain a lot of viewers every week. By putting on better women’s matches, they could satisfy all those peoples’ wants and needs, and make them not tune in to TNA, if there even is a fan crossover. Or maybe people just want to jerk it to Velvet Sky. I know I have.



Don’t tell Daffers, even though it’s like Daffers - 178, Sky - 2. Don’t tell Daffers about that either.




Ms. Cewsh: This match is actually really nice. I’m not a Melina fan, and Michelle has always been a non-factor, but they both work their asses off. They’re suddenly athletic, as well as flexible, with movesets that involve more than “the hair-drag” and “the rub your crotch on their face”. They actually have pretty nice chemistry, as well. I hate to say it, but this has been the match of the night, so far.



76/100



Cewsh: This match completely exceeded my expectations. Probably everyone’s expectations.


See, these two have wrestled before, and I wasn’t impressed. Not that I’m impressed by very much women’s wrestling, but still, even so. Then this match comes out of left field and is actually good, and its an almost staggeringly odd thing to have happen. A WWE women’s match that is good, or hell, isn’t bad? That’s damn near a moment in history, and these two ladies make that very history here on this show. I’m honestly proud of and happy for them, because they really did something special here.


Now. That all said, this match isn’t perfect. In fact, its nowhere near perfect. I said that it’s a great women’s match, and it is, but there is still a ton of botching, a lot of miscommunication, some blatant and outright no selling, and kind of a terrible finish that spoiled the rest. So before you Divas fans get all up in arms because I passed a few compliments around, bear this in mind:


This match is good. But its not even my highest rated women’s match from this month.



76 out of 100.




Michelle McCool Over Melina Following A Roll Up.








Segment 8 – Fluorescent Green and Yellow John Cena Makes a Speech.



Cewsh: John Deere got a boner.







Segment 9 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – (Makes The Ladies) Randy Orton © vs. John (Marc Ecko’s Bitch) Cena vs. Triple (Single On Atkins) H.



Cewsh: This match was fucking fantastic.


Now that I’ve said that, allow me to defend it, because I know it bears defending. See, I understand that seeing combinations of these three men wrestling is about the most stale thing imaginable at this point. The last time any of these three men had a match that was generally considered to be good was probably over a year ago, and its been crammed down our throats ever since. I get that, and I empathize with anyone who feels that way. But when I was watching this match, I put all that to the side, and what remained was the best match that has come of the long winded feuds between these three, and possibly the best triple threat match in years and years and years.


Everything was just so good! The crowd, which was dead all night long, completely came alive for this match, getting behind all three men at various times, as these guys just went to work on one another. The story that everyone wanted a piece of Orton, and would rather fight him than each other was executed fantastically, and gave the match tons more structure than any triple threat I’ve seen in ages. These guys showed a chemistry with each other that I was altogether unfamiliar with (more from Cena than the other two). So yeah. I loved it.


So the match is ticking along, and I’m loving it, and then Triple H slaps the Sharpshooter on Orton and everything comes crashing to a halt. Triple H is doing…the Sharpshooter? Really? Then Cena runs in and slaps the Crossface of all things on Orton as well, and Orton starts tapping. So we have Triple H and John Cena, who both have submission moves they’re associated with, doing other people’s submission finishers. Then Orton taps out. However, since the ref can’t decide who to award the victory to, the ref doesn’t call from the bell. Then Rhodes and Dibiase run down and things get messy.


What to think of the ending? I’m a little puzzled by it, to be honest. I hope the double submission thing will be used for storyline purposes, because if it was just a spot then I’m kind of baffled as to the thinking behind it. We’ll see in the end, I guess, and it doesn’t detract from an otherwise stellar matchup.




84 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.






Ms. Cewsh: I feel like I’ve seen it. We’ve already had a Triple Threat match with these guys. We’ve had Orton/Cena. We’ve had Cena/Triple H. We’ve definitely had Orton/Triple H. What’s left for these three to do, together? Still, the match is inoffensively boring until the end.


The end was shit. It was worse than shit. It was shit on shit with shit sauce. Orton taps to both Trips and Cena. Guess what? THIS MATCH ENDS BY PINFALL OR SUBMISSION. It does NOT continue on with a shrug from the ref! He tapped to both? Then the belt is vacant and we get Cena/Trips part two hundred and seven. What in the flying fuck was this?!



41/100




Vice: Aaaaaaah, Triple H vs. Cena vs. Orton. Wrestlemania-something rematch. A match where there are no real winners. Orton has gone back to being a shitty worker over the past few months, Cena is Cena, and Triple H is, well, I guess Triple H. Speaking of Triple H, he’s dangerously close to matching Flair’s record for 16 world titles. WWE has a heck of a lot of thinking and considering to do with that fact. Sure wrestling is scripted and booked however someone feels like doing it, and having x number of championships isn’t a real accomplishment, per se, but it’s still something. Will Triple H beat Flair’s record? Will he only have two more title runs in the rest of his career and leave the 16 title wins to Flair? Will he tie the man at 16? Will he beat Flair’s record? Personally I don’t think Triple H should tie or beat Flair’s record, even if Flair would be happy about it. But I also can’t imagine Triple H only having two more reigns. Yeah he’s getting old and winding down a bit, but the guy will seriously wrestle until he’s dead or when he’s simply too injured to compete. I don’t want to get into the whole Triple H is married to Steph thing, but yeah, 2 more reigns? 3? 4? Who knows.


Did you know that applying a submission to someone on an announce table is as effective as adding “FROM HELL” to the end of a move’s name in terms of damage dealt?


The false finish when Orton was in two submission holds REALLY REALLY pissed me off. You have no idea. It just made no fucking sense at all to me. Has Triple H ever done a sharpshooter before? No. No he has not. Does he do any move similar to that? No. No he does not. So why did he even think about using a sharpshooter? Because Cena was obviously going to slap a submission on himself. Fucking stupid. See, it’s awesome when you look at peoples’ movesets and find fantastic ways of combining moves into bigger moves for the win. But when you have to go out of your way to do something you don’t ever do so that something else can happen, it’s dumb and as contrived as Triple H pulling a sledgehammer out of a detachable panel in the entrance ramp. It reminds me of Kidman’s facebuster thing in WCW. He’d reverse a powerbomb with the facebuster. So, everyone who he ever faced would powerbomb him so he could reverse it into his move; people who have never once used a powerbomb ever. That’s creating a situation artificially. Now let’s say that Kidman would facebust people anyway from a jump, but then faced someone who’s finisher was a powerbomb, and he reversed that into his own trademark move. That’s fucking awesome because it’s a natural counter, and makes it a hot moment. I could go on about this for a lot longer, but I’ll leave it at this: fucking stupid.


Oh yeah, and Orton tapped out. Why the fuck didn’t the match end? How many times have matches ended with simultaneous winners? I really do not like when WWE just makes shit up for one particular match/spot/whatever. It’s really dumb. Consistency is what they should aim for.


The match had a big time feel to it which I liked, but I just didn’t enjoy it that much. I’m not going to say it was bad, because it wasn’t at all, but it was the definition of same old shit in my eyes. But hey, same old shit isn’t always a bad thing, ‘cause Bret Hart and Ric Flair made amazing careers out of that. OOOHHHHHH ZING. PEW PEW.



Pretty hot finish though:






Randy Orton Over Everybody Following The RKO On Cena.








Segment 10 – Creepy Miz Is Creepy.



Cewsh: People probably got boners for Maryse or something, but yeah, that joke officially died a terrible death. Probably a few segments ago. Au revoir boner jokes.


Speaking of my limited French, Maryse is backstage and Miz rolls up on her to put his mack down, or whatever the kids today are calling it. He gets shut down for, according to Maryse, being a loser. Miz then goes off on her for being a tease, and tells her she’s out of chances, and will see what its like when she loses her title.


Let’s be honest though, Miz. Its Maryse. You’d give her more chances that a Monopoly deck. Let’s be fair.







Segment 11 – WWE Divas Championship – Maryse (The Only Worthwhile Thing Ever To Come From Montreal) © vs. Mickie (Shiny Pants!) James.



Ms. Cewsh: I suck, but as a casual fan, I just can’t do these 3 ½ hour PPVs. I already think Raw is too long! Given its slot on the card, this match feels completely unimportant. I used it as a much needed break. Of course, from what I did see, I didn’t miss much. Maybe if the wrestlers had given a shit, like the last women’s match, I might have too.


tl/dr – I didn’t really watch this.



34/100




Cewsh: This match is everything that the other women’s match was not. Unfortunately these things include slow, boring, awkward, and boring. Also, boring. I love these two, truly I do, but I’m sick of seeing women wrestle who have absolutely no chemistry with one another, but it almost automatically results in subpar matches. How many women have ever had good chemistry is the ring with each other anyway? Trish and Lita did. Beth and Mickie do. Melina and Michelle might, but it’ll take more than one match to prove it. These girls don’t. They shouldn’t feel bad, though. 3 in how many years? Bad odds.



59 out of 100.




Vice: I’m sure I’ve said this before, but Maryse is absolutely dripping with pure, raw, uninhibited sex. It’s fucking ridiculous. She also looks really good naked, but that’s another thing you shouldn’t tell Daffers. When she first came to WWE I thought she was an absolute nothing, but fucking hell has she evolved. She’s not a great wrestler, but she has IT.


The match sucked, though. Maryse isn’t very good as I previously stated, and Mickie has become pretty boring and crappy over the years. Well, she’s basically been pretty shit and stale since her feud with Trish. Back when she had a good character and some personality. Maybe that’s why we thought she was a good wrestler, especially because she was working with the overrated to Pluto but still enjoyable Trish Stratus. Why are you still around, Mickie?


And why are you champion now?



Mickie James Over Maryse Following The MickieDT.


YOUR WINNER AND NEW WWE DIVAS CHAMPION: MICKIE JAMES!







Segment 12 – Team Legacy Are BONER. BONERIFIC. BONEIFICINT!



Cewsh: Ahem. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.


Anyway, Rhodes and Dibiase talk about how they aren’t losers for losing. That’s all of it. Seriously.







Segment 13 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Rey (Old Man Flipper) Mysterio © vs. Dolph (Maybe He Is Like The Boogie Nights Guy. He Has Maria…) Ziggler.



Cewsh: I really like Dolph Ziggler. I really, really like him. I like his style, I like the character he has evolved into, and it doesn’t hurt that he reminds me of a young Randy Orton in how he moves around the ring, and uses his athleticism to accentuate his charisma. He’s not perfect yet, of course, not even remotely close, but this is his first really competitive WWE match, and its staggering to consider how far along he is by this point. He has all the tools, clearly. Now its just a matter of keeping on improving.


Rey Mysterio on the other hand is an interesting case. He’s a shell of his former self as a high flyer, but he’s actually having better matches than he ever did when he could do 7,000 hurracanranas in one match. I don’t know how many years his knees have in them, but while we have him, we should savor it. Here he takes a young guy who needs to prove himself, and does exactly that. Mysterio proves him. This is exactly the match that both of these men needed here, and exactly the shot in the arm that this show needed badly. They got a ton of time, way more than I expected, and they used it all.


The only real problem is that the crowd was absolutely dead for the entire match. Fucking Philadelphia. Is there anything you can’t ruin?


(Cewsh Note: Yes. Kobashi.)



78 out of 100.





Vice: It’s amazing what Smackdown can do, really. They can make anyone look like a million bucks by giving them some good direction and enough time for things to flesh out. Ziggler has gone from a guy getting 20 second segments introducing himself to looking like a true star. That’s Smackdown for you. You know how every time there is a draft, people complain that RAW gets all the huge names and Smackdown gets a bunch of random nobodies? And Smackdown continues to be the better show? Yeah. It’s called writing/booking. RAW takes the established guys, and the people on Smackdown make their slew of green talent look like gold, ready to be swept away and ruined on RAW the following year.


Very solid match here, with both men putting on great performances. Ziggler is pretty fucking awesome.



Ms. Cewsh: Dolph Ziggler, (God, that’s a stupid name,) is the up-and-comer who really wants to challenge the strong vet for the title. That’s kind of a compelling story, albeit one as old as wrestling itself.


Of course, WWE completely ruins it by continuing to bill a 34 year old, 20 year veteran as the “ultimate underdog” and the “biggest little man”. It’s so schmaltzy and insulting. I’m supposed to buy him as the strong champ bringing honor and validity back to the IC title, but a scrub like Ziggler can just manhandle him for 20 minutes? Rey is not the underdog in this match up!


The end is lame and contrived, just like every Rey match. There’s really nothing left to say.



41/100




Rey Mysterio Over Dolph Ziggler Following The 619.






Segment 14 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – CM (Championship Material) Punk © vs. Jeff (For A Limited Time Only!) Hardy.



Cewsh: This feud rules.


Seeing the slow transition of CM Punk from up and coming face, to top heel has been almost magical for someone who has been a fan of his for years and years. Its really cool, undeniably so, to see him cutting “I’m Straight Edge and I’m better than you!” promos like he did when I first became a fan of his, except that now with his seasoning and comfort in WWE, those promos are ten times better, and backed up by Punk’s rapid grasp of main event wrestling in the WWE, which is really a style unlike any other in wrestling. He has made this feud a pleasure to watch, and exciting to see, and that’s good, because I could be mistaken (and fuck I hope I am), but it kind of looks like Jeff is losing interest again.


This match starts off with these two feeling each other out, with Punk using his better grasp of mat wrestling to get the upper hand and with Punk showboating and heeling out for all he’s worth. Jeff gets some offense in, but the beginning of the match is all Punk as he bullies Hardy all over the ring, demanding to know “What are you going to do to me?” Finally though, Hardy underdogs up, gets in a bunch of offense that is, frankly, a little sloppy and unfocused. They go back and forth for a long while, with Punk getting the upper hand, getting over confident, and paying for it at the hands of Hardy’s unorthodox offensive maneuvers.


They charge towards the finish with each man throwing the kitchen sink at one another. Punk slithers out of the Swanton twice, and then Hardy actually kicks out of the Go 2 Sleep, to the absolute disbelief of Punk. He pins Jeff twice more to ensure that Jeff didn’t kick out as a fluke, and then decides, fuck it, grabs his belt, and tries to leave.


This is where things get manky.


Punk takes his belt back towards the curtain. Hardy chases him down, throws him back into the ring, hits the Twist of Fate, hits the Swanton, boom. Game over. I could be mistaken, but this seemed incredibly abrupt, and kind of a weird way to end a match like this. They’ve trained me so well to believe that if Jeff Hardy succeeds, check around the corner for the trap, so I can’t believe that he’ll get away with it that simply, but for now, Jeff Hardy is your new World heavyweight Champion. Whew.




82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.






Ms. Cewsh: Gather ‘round kiddies. It’s story time.


Once upon a time, when I was but a wee Ms.Cewsh, sitting at my Papi’s knee, I heard tell of an amazing, revolutionary wrestler. He could wrestle hour long matches that you couldn’t look away from. He was the greatest champion, beloved by millions. And he had a fresh, unique character that actually made you think. Of course, being a curious little Ms.Cewsh, I begged to see him.


“No, no, little Ms.Cewsh. You wouldn’t be interested. You cannot sit still for an hour. Here, watch this kick ass interview with him, instead.”


And I did. And it rocked. Many years later, I heard tell that this mythical wrestler was coming to the WWE. I became suitably excited, eagerly anticipating the arrival of this new, thought-provoking character.


It took 3 years, but that character finally showed up.



86/100



(Cewsh Note: Vice requests that for the next paragraph you imagine him elderly, in a plush chair in his study smoking a pipe.)


Vice: I am absolutely vehemently opposed to the proposal that Jeff Hardy could conceivably be selected to obtain the World Championship, at the decided expense of CM Punk, despite his prior reservations as to his future employment.




Jeff Hardy Over CM Punk Following The Swanton Bomb.


YOUR NEW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: JEFF HARDY!






---------------------------------------------------------------------------







Cewsh’s Conclusions:


Cewsh: You know, as a sum of its parts, this was a pretty good PPV. There were some surprisingly good matches, and aside from one or two matches, I walked away from this show feeling really positive about it. There were some titles changes, and that’s always good, and more than anything I want to see how the situation with Hardy and Punk plays out. Can’t wait for next month, and that’s the idea, right?



Cewsh’s Final Score: 68.75 out of 100.






Ms. Cewsh's Moral Clarity:


Ms. Cewsh: This wasn't my favorite show of the year. It wasn't my least, either. It was too long, and would've greatly benefitted from only airing the good Divas match and . Punk/Hardy was excellent, and Michelle/Melina was the best women's match I've ever seen. Conversely, the 6 man really should have been a single's match between Kofi and Carlito, and WWE desperately needs to freshen up the WWE Championship scene.


All in all, it wasn't a bad pay-per-view, just a filler one until SummerSlam.



Ms. Cewsh's Final Score: 52.15 out of 100.







Vice’s Analysis:


Vice: Overall I was pleasantly surprised by many things, but found myself extremely irritated by an equal number. Still, it was an enjoyable show, and I do like the gimmick that every belt has to be defended. It just makes it seem like a huge night. At the same time, though, you've got to wonder why more belts aren't defended more often on PPV.




Vice’s Final Score: 66 out of 100.






Vice's Awards:























Alright, that'll do it for us this week boys and girls. We had fun, didn't we? We laughed, we cried, I said boner like 74 times. Make sure you join us next week where we delve back into the cesspit of the American Independant Scene to try to salvage something of worth, as we review PWG Express Written Consent. Its a request, and the first of many, as we look to give back to you awesome motherfuckers for making us the most widely read review team that I am actively a part of. In the mean time, keep reading, and be good to one another.

July 19, 2009

TNA Victory Road 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…



TNA VICTORY ROAD 2009




Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another edition of the Optimus Prime approved Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a special treat for you, with the ever interesting TNA’s Victory Road PPV. Actually, its really not all that special, seeing as we do this once a month, but on the other hand, every show that TNA puts out is like a little gift to boost my reviewing spirits. One way or another they just never seem to let me down. Either they deliver magical moments and fantastic matches (in theory), or the most over the top self destructive explosive funfests this side of Ian Rotten. Will we get the theoretical awesome show that TNA has always been capable of? Or will I get an excuse to ran for 3 hours?


Either way, we all win.


With all that said, and with no further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review shall we?


Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!



Cewsh: Okay, honestly? I have no sodding idea what any of these motherfuckers are talking about. TNA has always been big on trying to fill their PPV hype videos with cryptic messages, or deep meaningful words, but in this case its so overwrought that I’m seriously scratching my head. “I will become.” Become what? Famous? Legendary? A robo dinosaur? Help me out, guys.


I will become…agitated if this continues.








Segment 2 – TNA Women’s Knockouts Championship – Tara(ble At Acting. Sorry, Vickie.) © vs. Angelina Love.



Cewsh: Well we’re in the Impact Zone tonight. Which means that the fans will actually care, but also means that it’ll basically look like a super long episode of Impact. Which means essentially thHOLYSHITLOOKATANGELINA’S TITS! Those things are a goddamn safety hazard. They’re fucking enormous! Jesus Christ! Its taking everything in my testosterone laden body not to just give this show a 100 and wander off for some alone time.


No. No, be strong Cewsh. Be STRONG. Nuns with vacuums. Fat guys with melty ice cream. Mountain lions. Okay, okay. I think we’re good.


Ahem, at any rate, I would like to issue a formal thank you to the two ladies present in this match. Tara, Angelina, thank you. Thank you for providing the only worthwhile women’s wrestling available in the United States at this time. God knows, there seems to be some kind of law, that only one feud in any company at any given time between two women is allowed to be of any quality whatsoever. This month, it happens to be these two. I know, I know. I’m the guy who takes healthy shits on Knockout and Diva matches every month, but frankly that’s only because I hold them to a standard equal to the men. If women are wrestling weak ass matches week in and week out, I’m not going to give them medals for good sportsmanship, and talk about their outfits. You want to be wrestlers? Fantastic. Get in the ring, work your ass off, show that you truly want to improve and become good, and I’ll rave about you from here to eternity. Just ask me about Christy Hemme or Candice Michelle.


For all of the women who presently are not getting it in the ring, watching this match would be an excellent place to start. Its not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. There are some sloppy bits (like the Tarantula which looked more painful for Tara than for Angelina Love), and not every move was executed as crisply as fresh lettuce, but that is all completely forgivable, because what we got was a great, high paced, well put together opening match, between two women with great chemistry with one another in the ring. Love has taken absolutely enormous strides recently, and Tara knows how to put together a match and certainly seem to feel like she has something to prove to everyone. Mores the better I say.


The ending, also, was just really well done in my view. Angelina covers Tara, Tara gets her feet on the ropes, but the referee doesn’t see it. Angelina DOES see it, but says nothing, and then goes from shock to celebration as the bell rings, and referee Slick Johnson awards her the title. It’s a great heel move that I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen before, and it really made both people look strong coming out of the match. Good stuff. Of course, after the match ends, Tara boots the ref, Widow’s Peaks Angelina, and puts her furry little tarantula buddy, allegedly named Poison, onto the prone body of Slick. He then writhes around like his skin is melting off as the spider crawls over his very thick clothing. Oh refs. If you’re so easily harmed and so scared of everything, why the hell didn’t you become accountants like your mothers always wanted? Sigh.


Anyway, bottom line, this match was FUN. I don’t know if this is going to set the tone for the rest of the show or anything, but as of this point right here, I’m actually having myself a good time. Kudos, ladies. That’s something your male coworkers find so difficult to accomplish.





80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.






Vice: When I started rewatching this match, I had Jimmy Rave’s Ring of Honor theme blasting during The Beautiful People’s entrance. Oddly enough, it really worked. And seriously, who in the fucking fuck is the third girl? Seriously, I can’t believe she’s still with them because she’s horrendously out of place. Not only does she stand to the side when Love and Sky do their entrance pose, but she also splits from the group to enter the ring. The Beautiful Person and The Man go to the right, and the mystery woman goes to the left. The TBPATM do their awesome ring entrance, while the third girl does absolute fuck all. What was amazing, was that TNA even cut away from her as she did her own ring pose thing to focus on Sky. Talk about awesome. And it shows how little she actually means in the grand scheme of things. Again, who is she? And speaking of Sky, when did she get the boob job? Awful. I loved her real boobiez. Now they look like every other rack out there in wrestling for the most part. Ugh.


I was surprised that they’d open the show with this match until I remembered that people like Homicide, Suicide, Shelley, Sabin and the other awesome people who open the show in awesome ways are not booked on this show for whatever reason. So, this is what we get. That’s not exactly a horrible thing as these two put on a match that was much better than it really had any right to be. I didn’t know Tara could kip up. That got my engine running.


The problem with this match was the finish, which was full of controversy. But this is TNA where every match has a screw job of some kind, so why am I acting like something was different here? Yeah. Victaraia has her foot on the ropes, ref counts the 3, Angelina wins the title, Victaraia complains and beats the shit out of the ref and puts a terrifying tarantula on him.


Not a bad start to the show by any means, but why is the X-division not booked on this show?





Angelina Love over Tara Following A Sneaky Pin.


YOUR NEW TNA WOMEN’S KNOCKOUT CHAMPION: ANGELINA LOVE!









Segment 3 – What’s Your Angle, Mysterious Hobo?



Cewsh: Kurt Angle delivers a promo about how he’s going to crushinate Mick Foley. Then he says that any member of the Main Event Mafia (including Joe) who doesn’t win their match tonight cleanly, is getting fired from the Mafia. Then he gives a loving but firm look to JB, and says that he’ll meet up with him later. JB then gives Angle a playful but firm pat on the ass for good luck.


Booker T and Scott Steiner go back to playing Chutes and Ladders. Punctuated by Steiner’s outburst of, “Aint no ladders but chutes in this!” as he knocks the board aside and stomps off to the ice cream sundae bar to drown his sorrows in hot fudge.


How much of this is true? That’s for you to decide. But I’d like to imagine that there is a place somewhere in the multiverse where this segment played out exactly like this.


Wait, did I just write the intro to some gay erotica between Kurt and JB? I think I need to watch more women’s wrestling.







Segment 4 – Matt (The Promoter’s Wet Dream) Morgan vs. Christopher (I Refuse To Call Him Just) Daniels.



Cewsh: Alright now. If I were sitting there in your room with you right now, I’d be clapping and rubbing my hands together in anticipation of this match. Then you would very like call the cops, but before you did, I would make sure to impart to you my fervent wish that these two get enough time for Mr. Daniels to make Matt Morgan look like the star that I have been claiming that he had the potential to be. If he can’t do it with Daniels, then he isn’t capable of doing anything. This is his test. I hope to god he passes it.


Now the backdrop of this match is twofold. First, Matt Morgan is trying to get into the Main Event Mafia, so he needs this win to prove to Kurt Angle that he’s Main Event Mafia material. Though he isn’t a member yet, persay, the ultimatum that Angle made very likely applies to him as well, so he desperately needs this win. Aiding him in this respect is point two. Namely the fact that Daniels has a bum leg resulting from Matt Morgan beating ten kinds of hell out of him on Impact. So the deck is stacked against Daniels in a big way, and he’ll have to find a way to beat a motivated giant on one leg. Good luck with that!


Anyway, these guys get down to business, and it the business of having an odd match at first. See, it’s a good match, and Morgan shows just boatloads of personality, doing his little smirk whenever he gets the upper hand (which is often), hitting all of his signature moves, and even faking for a sidewalk slam before dropping Daniels to the match like a sack of shit. The trouble is, though, that Morgan still doesn’t seem like he is quite entirely certain as to whether he’s the Big Show or, well, Daniels. This match showed growth from the Sting match a month ago, and I think he’s slowly adapting his style to deal out more punishment, but watching him, its hard not to get the feeling that he’d rather be bumping and doing moonsaults.


Curse of the big man, I suppose.


Daniels walks him through a solid match, and Morgan even remembers to work Daniels’ leg. Eventually. Daneils doesn’t forget at all, of course, and even sells it nicely by going for the Best Moonsault Ever and not being able to propel himself up on his bad leg. That’s called psychology. Probably. I’m not in charge of naming things. They work a good match, that has the right ending, and this match absolutely does nothing to damper my enthusiasm for this evening thus far. I’m getting worried now, though. Two decent matches in a row? Man, those main event matches are going to be a DISASTER aren’t they?



77 out of 100.




Vice: I wasn’t looking forward to this match very much, but it’s definitely interesting on paper and could either make or break Matt Morgan in a way. Daniels is old and has wrestled more matches than I’ve taken pisses, so he knows what he’s doing and he knows how to get a lot of bang for very little buck out of youngsters.


It’s a decently competitive match-up until Daniels jumps over the top rope and crashes down on his leg when Morgan gets out of the way. Then it becomes a total squash for the most part, with Morgan destroying the injured old man. What I really liked about it was how physically gifted Morgan really was portrayed as. Daniels is a man who can overcome tons of odds and uses his massive heart, his determination, and tons of knowledge to beat people that are, on paper, much “better” than him. But, he just couldn’t fuck with Morgan. He’s just too strong, too tall, too fast and too young. For MMA fans, it kind of reminded me of Frank Mir vs. Brock Lesnar II in a way. Mir is the more complete fighter with more experience, more knowledge, better standing up, better on his back, better training.. all of that. But Brock is Warmech in human form, and that means he wins. Morgan is not quite the freak of nature that Brock is, but they’re very similar in a way. Once Daniels gave Morgan an opening, it was all over.


The match was executed about as well as it could have been, and was quite good. Morgan was an animal with some fantastic character work, and Daniels’ bumping and selling made Morgan look absolutely amazing. Morgan really does improve every time he goes out and wrestles. Hopefully TNA is smart and keeps pairing him with people like Daniels, so that he can really hone his skills and become the future.





Matt Morgan over Christopher Daniels Following The Hellevator.







Segment 5 – Stevie Solo? Han Stevie? Pimpin’ Aint Stevie.



Cewsh: Stevie Richards delivers a promo explaining that he feels the need to have this match with Abyss to take Abyss into the next level of Stevie’s therapy. It’s a good promo, and Richards really has stepped into this roll with an amazing amount of depth and fervor, becoming sort of a new age Raven for this generation, and basically achieving his potential of the seed of raven after all of these years.


He’s what Raven could have been, if Raven had been normal on the outside.


That said, the key to this segment was Daffney saying, “I love you, Stevie”, and Richards walks away, and Richards, pimp daddy motherfucker that he is, half turns and delivers an “I know” before walking off.


PIMP MOTHERFUCKER ALERT.



Vice: Did Daffers just say that she loves Dr. Stevie?







Segment 6 – No Disqualification Match - Stevie (That’s DR. STEVIE To You) Richards vs. Abyss (Only Has One, Scratch That, TWO Changes Of Clothes).



Vice: I totally forgot how much I missed Abyss’ old attire. I can’t say that I wasn’t worried when I first saw him come out in the hood and hunting vest combination, but when he took that shit off I was content. Yeah, the insane asylum outfit was trash, but I did get used to it. Abyss also seemed really motivated, which made the match a lot better. He and Stevie had a really fun wild match. It was definitely like one of the oldschool TNA brawls that hasn’t been done right in forever. This did it well. Motivated Abyss/Abyss having fun is just awesome. I really missed him. Stevie was fucking awesome in this, too. They work really well together, and even though this seems like the blow-off, I hope to see more things from them. But hey, it’s TNA so it might go on for another 5 months for all we know.


Abyss was over like mad. Orlando loves the shit out of the dude. This match probably got him a lot of new fans as well.


The finish is something that I’d normally despise, as tasers generally do not create tons of SMOKE as they BURN the FLESH off the bone.. but somehow it worked really well here. And.. well.. I actually enjoyed it a lot.


Very good match.


And now a cameo from our pet, Matthew:



Matthew: what are you reviewing? i'll drop 15 words of knowledge
Vice: Victory Road.
Matthew: Why does Stevie Richards wear scrubs? He is a psychiatrist.
Matthew: i think that may have pissed me off the MOST out of the whole thing.


(Cewsh Note: This was 25 words.)


Vice: Ahaha. I never thought about that.
Matthew: i could see daffney wearing scrubs cause she can be like a nurse
Vice: Daffers as a nurse.. fjlskajmlskaafafa
Vice: Why do you do this to me.
Matthew: its just how it goes




Cewsh: Alright, so this was an ass kicking.


You know how every once in awhile in wrestling (a long while, usually), they have a chickenshit heel face a dominant babyface, and the face actually, you know, dominates him? I know, for the majority of people its probably an incredibly unfamiliar sight, but every now and then a heel just plan outright gets what is coming to him. Goldberg/Hogan was an example, as was Austin/Bischoff. Generally speaking, the fans lose their minds for this happening, and the chance to see the heel get murdered without any shenanigans or the fans getting screwed over, and that was absolutely the case here, as Abyss did things to Stevie that would be at home in snuff films.


Case in point:





When it comes to lots of blood, and violence, and gore in wrestling, I’m generally against it. I can see its place for dramatic effect, but too often I feel it’s a crutch for wrestlers who aren’t capable of telling a story in a more creative and less straightforward fashion. Frankly, people bleeding has become so common that I’m almost appalled at how desensitized I am to it. Here though, it did seem appropriate, as this long violent feud draws to a close (maybe). Stevie bleeds all over himself and others, gets dropped by every move in Abyss’ arsenal, and is finally even electrocuted with the tazer he used on Abyss. Its all here, and the ending is clean.


This is the revenge fantasy that feuds like this deserve to end with. If it continues on past this point, my view of this match will suffer extraordinarily, but for a blow off match, this might be one of the best that TNA has ever put on. Kudos, gentlemen.


3 good matches in a row? They’re going to destroy this soon, aren’t they? This is going too well. Something awful is coming, I can feel it…



77 out of 100.




Abyss over Dr. Stevie Following A Tazer Shot.







Segment 7 – Mick Foley Rallies The Troops.




Cewsh: And by “the Troops” I mean Beer Money, because even though his little speech is about how they can’t allow the Main Event Mafia to win all of the titles tonight, he apparently doesn’t think that AJ Styles deserves to be invited to his motivational luncheon.


Poor AJ. Nobody loves him.


(Cewsh Note: Upon further reflection, he WAS there. Just not mentioned.)


Also, are Beer Money faces now, or what? They turned face with team 3D, then turned heel on them again, and now that’s just being ignored completely and they’re being presented as huge faces. When the shit was this decision made? Robert Roode as a face? Now? That’s ass fucking preposterous.







Segment 8 – IWGP World Tag Team Championships - Team 3D(onut Minimum) © vs. The British Invasion (One That Might Work This Time. BURN!).



Vice: Rob Terry is the second most worthless member of the roster, I’d say. The first one being the mystery woman that accompanies the Beautiful People to the ring. I mean, this guy does absolutely nothing. And TNA fucking knows it, which is the best part.



“Hey Rob, what are your thoughts on _____?“

“*FLEX*”

“OOOHHHHH LOOOOVELY!!”



That’s all he does. It’s so awkward watching a promo from the British Invasion because of him, because he literally just stands there doing one of three muscular poses. And from what I’ve seen, he doesn’t even do anything physical. MAYBE if he ran into the ring every now and then and absolutely killed everyone with burning hammers off the top rope, it could work. But he just flexes and occasionally someone will get thrown at him and he will catch him. So yes, let’s pay this person a good chunk of change to do this job. Fuck.


If the finish was a dinosaur, it’d be a lameasaurus rex. So very underwhelming how ROB TERRY OF PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH FAME clotheslined his own teammate by mistake, and then Team 3D (though they really should be 4D considering how fucking fat they’ve become) gives them a 3D next to the table that is not set up. Yep. But that’s because the table is going to be used against the evil foreigners that are invading the ring~!# And 3D kills them. And to this day it amazes me just how fucking insane the fans get whenever a table comes out from under the ring. Or even before that. They spin around in circles while saliva pours of their mouth like water out of a faucet. Why? Tables are okay, but I don’t think they’re any better than that. In fact, 90% of table spots look better without the table.


The match was a match, but I wouldn’t say it was anything above or below just that.




Cewsh: God, this match was dogshit.


The fact of the matter is that for whatever reason, Team 3D do not have good matches anymore. In the past, when they were stale and virtually directionless, they had a tendency to become horribly, painfully bland and vanilla. As they get older, though, and their skills gradually decline, this whole thing has taken on a whole new dimension. Now their bland, vanilla, and so bad in the ring against these other teams, that their matches have become unwatchable.


I mean, listen. I like Team 3D, I always have. But somewhere along the line they convinced themselves that they could be the Ric Flair of tag teams, and have the same match every night regardless of the opponent. Unfortunately for them, and worse for us, they aren’t remotely as talented as Flair was when he was doing that, and the people they’re facing here, run a much wider range of skills and styles, and as a result, that same match night in and night out is a SHITTY MATCH. The Brits, for their part, really busted their asses in this match, and did all they could to make this good, and they really showed me some flashes of brilliance at times that make me excited to see them face better opponents. That’s all I can say though. I hate to penalize one team for the other team’s quality, but I have no choice.


As I alluded to earlier. This match, was dogshit.


After the match Bashir and Kiyoshi come down and get squashed by Team 3D. What the shit was the point of that? They could have sat in the back and eaten a sandwich and been more over than this made them. Did Team 3-D need some momentum back after winning decisively? Fuckshit, man.



43 out of 100.




Team 3D over The British Invasion Following A 3-D.







Segment 9 – A Promo From The Midget Defender.



Cewsh: Johnson is sorry he got the call wrong in the Knockout match, and he’s going to see to getting Tara another shot. Which is funny, because if a woman kicked me in the face and dropped a huge tarantula on me, I might be more interested in getting HER shot. Like with a cannon. To each his own, I guess.








Segment 10 – Sharmell (T) w/ Sojo Bolt vs. Jenna (Haze?) Morrasca w/ Awesome Kong.



Cewsh: Ah yes. I’m ready for the match of the year from this contest.


So each of these ladies comes out along with the woman in their corner, and Jenna proceeds to steal the match as she enters the ring, by dishing out the single most oversexed and ridiculous and awesome entrance since Melina stopped wearing skirts. It looked great from the camera angle we got, but from any other angle it’d probably just look like she tripped and fell into the ring. But hey, crotch shots are always a welcome sight I suppose.


As for the match, well Sharmell does have some wrestling experience, but none of it in any way impressive, and Jenna has virtually none, so there are obviously limitations to what these two are capable of from the outset. They then proceeded to not even meet those limitations. Basically this match is about 7 minutes long, and features interference for about 5 minutes of it. It also features a pin executed by Jenna that I think gave me crabs just from watching it.


Well done ladies. Well done.


After the match, Jenna starts to bully Kong around, which is sort of a bad idea, and ends with her being converted into a pancake via a running Kong Splash. Considering the fact that she dressed in leopard print to play up Survivor, and her theme music is all about Survivor, you’d think they could have, perhaps, let her display some survival skills? Because slapping Kong is like whipping a lion with your dick. Only fun temporarily.



19 out of 100.



Vice: So, Jenna is a whore. Wow. Fucking wow. I’m not sure if her entrance is the greatest female entrance ever, with the total stripper moves, or if it’s the most degrading, awful, terrible thing I’ve seen a female have to do in wrestling. Oh, if you haven’t seen the GIF I made the other day, here it is:






Never knew she had such a great behind. The whole thing really caught me off guard, as I really did not know she was a whore. Apparently she posed NUDE in Playboy too. Found that out with a Google search last night. After Chotliwala left my house, obviously. ‘Cause that would have been REALLY weird for him.


This was the most unnecessary match on the card and probably the reason why the X-division didn’t even get a match. Hell, you have a lovely wrestler like Awesome Kong here, but she’s forced to stand around the ring like a nincompoop while a whore and an actual wrestler….’s wife do battle. So, it comes time to take the “how good was this match?” test. Thankfully it’s multiple choice for all you people with number 2 pencils and scantron sheets.



A) Terrible
B) Beyond terrible
C) Beyond beyond terrible
D) Surprisingly good



The correct answer is B. It was pretty goddamn bad. Jenna was very cautious about everything. She’d bounce off the ropes at one mile per hour, she’d throw mile an hour slaps that made even the gay fans facepalm themselves, and in general was terrible. She had no idea what she was doing, which wasn’t really a surprise. Sharmell was pretty good in her role of beating the crap out of Jenna, but she’s really not that much of a wrestler.


There were two pros to this match, basically. First one was the spot where the girls catfight overtop the referee as they roll around. That’s always a fun spot, and Hebner sold it very well. The second was Sojo being knocked off the ropes and to the floor. Kong was supposed to catch her, but they fucked up royally and Sojo kinda just bounces off Kong’s head and lands HARD on the ground. She looks like she’s legitimately in a lot of pain, and Kong just kind of stares at the dying Sojo for a few seconds like “LOL pwned”, and then kicks her. It was pretty rad.


The match sucks until Kong punches Sharmell in the jaw, knocking her the fuck out. Then Jenna proceeds to pin Sharmell with her vagina.






What an awful match. Jenna did do some funny character work though, especially after the match with wanting to be picked up and paraded around the ring by Kong. She does have a nice ass, though. This could have been on Impact though. Or it could have never happened. Either way, this match shouldn’t have been on this PPV, which would allow the X-division to get some PPV time.





Jenna Morrasca over Sharmell Following The Humpty Dance.







Segment 11 – Biiiiiig Sexaaaaaay.



Cewsh: Nash says he totally supports Angle’s decision to make the ultimatum to the whole Mafia that if they lose they’re fired. Nash is SO confident that he agrees to retire if he doesn’t win. Now all of a sudden I’m afraid. I always want Styles to win, but Nash has been on such a great run lately that I’d hate for him to go away. After all these years, people (other than me) actually seem to be thinking well of his work. It’d be a shame for him to stop getting his due now.







Segment 12 – TNA Legend’s Championship – AJ (New Best Entrance In Wrestling) Styles © vs. Kevin (The Big Gray Fox) Nash.



Vice: I love Nash, but he really shouldn’t be wrestling anymore. He has so much trouble walking that it’s almost painful watching him come to the ring. Plus he has really really skinny legs now, which is awkward. Plus he’s old. TNA used him perfectly when he was teaming up with Alex Shelley, and they let his comedic side shine while keeping him out of the ring. And AJ Styles wouldn’t have to be wrestling him. Why don’t they put Joe up against Styles? You know, with AJ being pissed off about Joe switching sides and showing his true colors, etc..


AJ does what he can with the old man who has had 27 knee surgeries, but even if he actually was god (though that is debatable..), it’s just not enough at this point. For what it was, the match wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t exactly good. AJ had to die for this match to be what it was. Stuff like this:





OOF.


Nash pushes the ref, causing AJ to have to nix his diving forearm attempt, and lands right in time to get chokeslammed into oblivion for the 3 count. So, again, not quite a clean finish. Nash walks away with the Legends title and AJ looks very sad.




Cewsh: In cooking there’s a term that is applicable here. It’s called “Cleansing your palette.” Essentially it refers to serving your guests something that, while it may not be a standout dish on its own, has exactly the right flavor combinations and textures to set you up perfectly for what comes next. Its not done in every meal, but when they do do it, it’s a wonderful way to segway between one part of the meal and another.


AJ, Kevin. Thank you for cleansing my palette.


This match was exactly what I needed after the persistently devilish fuckfest that the last two matches represented. I needed a match that drew me in, but didn’t burn me out or ask me to care too much, and that’s just what I got. These guys put on a show that was fun, exciting, and surprisingly short. They packed a lot of fun story into a relatively short period of time, and I came away from this match seriously and sincerely wanting to see these two men wrestle more.


This match may not have been super special on its own, and will likely be forgotten entirely in a few months, but it was exactly the injection of life that this show needed.


And yes. I do watch too much Top Chef.



75 out of 100.






Kevin Nash over AJ Styles Following A Chokeslam.


YOUR NEW TNA LEGEND’S CHAMPION: KEVIN NASH!







Segment 13 – Rewards For Heroes.



Cewsh: Lauren is in the Women’s locker room looking for Tara when all of a sudden Slick Johnson comes out of the shower and hurries off, followed closely by Madison Rayne.


Goddamn, did they put something in the water at the Impact Zone? Everybody is getting busy all of sudden. Can they put something in the water that makes the bad wrestlers spontaneously decide to take up dynamics careers in telemarketing? Too hopeful? Sigh.








Segment 14 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Beer Money (Don’t Get Any More Nicknames From Now On) Inc. © vs. The Main (Reason I Watch The Show) Event Mafia (Scott Steiner and Booker T).



Vice: I hadn’t really thought about the pairing of Booker and Steiner before, as it just seemed kind of random to me while it was on paper, but then it hit me. You have the very best of Harlem Heat, one of the best tag teams. Then you have the best of the Steiners, another one of the best tag teams. Booker/Scott > Stevie/Rick by a fucking parsec. Yes, all 3.26 light years. Possibly 3.25 when those two were in their absolute primes against amazing opponents. So it’s not just a mishmashing of MEM members like I thought it was at first, but a combination of the elite halves of elite tag teams. Awesome. Plus, they’re facing Beer Money Inc., which consists of two potential future main event stars of TNA and also two elite halves of two elite TNA tag teams (Storm > Harris, Roode > Young).


I don’t know how this went wrong, but it did. Maybe it didn’t, but it just didn’t click with me. It was a solid encounter, but it wasn’t nearly as good as it potentially could have been. Also, the finish was fucking atrocious. I’m not sure if it was miscommunication or what, but it just looked awful. It was sooooooo bad. Like, if it was a five star match leading up to the finish, it’d kick it down to two. Ugh. Ref bump, so yet another controversial finish.




Cewsh: I can’t honestly say that my good feelings about the last match didn’t affect my opinion of this one.


This is one of those matches, like most TNA Tag Team title matches actually, where it could really go either way, because the match itself just isn’t strong enough in any direction to deserve a fully formed opinion on its own. It was good, and the epitome of solid, but like a lot of Beer Money’s matches, it seemed to lack a certain spark. I like Storm and Roode as a team, and I think they work very well together, but I never seem to be able to get past the fact that they always seem to be wrestling like they’re in different tag teams. Their tactics don’t match up, they each have charisma, but they both have very different ways of expressing said charisma, and some part of me just kind of feels like they’re both biding their time until they get to break up and go singles. As a result, their matches always feel like wrestling exhibitions, rather than heated or exciting matches. Might just be me, I don’t know.


Anyway, Steiner and Booker step up their game a great deal, and I am incredibly supportive of the idea of putting them together. Protecting Steiner by making him the muscle in a tag team is a great idea, and highlighting Booker and keeping him fresh for a full match so he can be a spark plug like he is at his best is a great idea too, and these guys have credibility spilling uncontrollably out of their collective asses. Its great stuff, and all four of these guys know the score and go all out here. In the end, though, had this match gone on after Team 3D or the Sharmell/Jenna matches, I’d have probably shat on it for not pulling my spirits up. Sometimes, the booking really can make the difference.



71 out of 100.





The Main Event Mafia over Beer Money inc. Following Shenanigans.


YOUR NEW TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: THE MAIN EVENT MAFIA!







Segment 15 – Joe Is A Towelhead. No, Seriously. He Has A Towel On His Head. Please Don’t Write Angry Emails.



Cewsh: Samoa Joe says that tonight we’ll meet his mentor, and that his mentor is out for Sting’s blood. At this point, if the damn mentor ISN’T Tazz, then we’ve all been set up very effectively. Personally I’m pulling for Shark Boy.


What?







Segment 16 – Sting (Needs Rogaine For Christmas) vs. Samoa (RAAAAWWWWRRRR!) Joe.



Cewsh: This match feels weird.


Less than a year ago, this match main evented Bound For Glory, and sparked the formation of the Main Event Mafia and Sting’s pseudo heel turn. These two were red hot, pushed to the stars, and clashed in a really good match that really showed off the strengths of both men in a very positive light.


Fast forward to today. They’re both afterthoughts to this Main Event Mafia beast that grew bigger than either of them, and now they’re scrapping for the rights to semi-main event status. This match doesn’t seem important. It doesn’t even seem like it should be happening. It’s just there. Sting and Samoa Joe are playing second fiddle to Mick Foley. It’s ridiculous, and it pisses me off. I like the direction Joe’s character has been going in since he joined the Mafia, I do. He’s gone from being a psychopath, to being a severe mercenary badass, and that’s a fantastic heel role for him. But this just doesn’t feel right. Neither of these two men deserve to be playing second fiddle to anyone. Much less Mick Foley in the shape he’s in.


Yes, that’s right. I don’t want to watch Mick Foley wrestle in his condition anymore. Sue me.


So Sting and Samoa Joe have a match, and without the true main event status and atmosphere buoying it up, it is a truly mediocre match. Lots of rest holds, lots of stalling, lots of, well, disappointment. This is not the match that these two men are capable of having. Not even close. This was a placeholder for a future match, and was just here to earn a few extra PPV buys. They could have debuted Joe’s manager against fucking Curry Man for all it matters. Bah.


Then, just as Sting locks in the Scorpion Deathlock on Joe, the music hits, and who else but TAZZ walks out? He walks down to ringside, looking like King Pimp in his suit, and then, almost as if he gives off some sort of chaos field, the match instantly falls apart. Joe stands up out of the Deathlock and Sting just sort of walks away from it. Then they mill about for a minute before Sting climbs the ropes. Joe sort of vaguely nudges the ropes and Sting crotches himself, and falls, standing on the bottom rope. Joe then tries to go for the Muscle Buster, but since Sting is on the bottom rope, Joe can’t seem to get under him enough to get him in the air. So they stop, walk backwards, Joe blatantly whispers in Sting’s ear, and they slowly lay down into the most gentle Tazzmission I have ever seen. After a minute or so, Sting sort of nonchalantly taps out, Joe and Tazz fist bump and the match is over.


Um, what?


What the shit happened? Did Sting refuse to do business? Did he sandbag Joe? Did Joe throw his back out? Did Tazz shoots an invisible laser out of his sunglasses that incapacitated Sting, making him unable to climb to the second rope?


I dunno, man. Whatever it was, was a bad end to a bad match. What a shame.



51 out of 100.




Vice: This was fairly decent for the majority of the match. They both seemed motivated and they have pretty decent chemistry. Yeah. That’s all I really have to say about that.


Or is it?


Since Diet Pepsi requires us to type more than that, I’ll elaborate about the ending bit. For once, Sting actually sits down with the Scorpion Deathlock—something I have not seen in quite some time. And guess what? The move doesn’t look like complete shit when he does that! Rocket science, I know. So, Taz finally makes his debut and I’ve gotta say that it’s horrendously underwhelming. Plus the match went totally downhill the second his music hit. He slowly comes down to the ring. Joe, seeing his mentor, gets back to his feet and Joes up with a scream. Sting takes him down relatively quickly, so, erm.. yeah? Fast forward a quick bit and Joe tries to get Sting up for a musclebuster, but fails in epic fashion. Sting just isn’t in the right position, so Joe has trouble.


Sting then slides down a bit more which makes it even worse for Joe, so naturally he cannot do it. Part of this is Joe being in awful shape, part of it was bad positioning and part of it is Sting being far too tall and heavy for Joe to lift him up without using the turnbuckle. In short, ain’t no musclebustin’ happenin’. Joe and Sting kinda stand there awkwardly, then Joe clearly says a few words to Sting (ie: have you had an ice cold Diet Pepsi today? MMMMM. Delicious! Have one after this match, Sting!), and then proceeds to awkwardly slap the choke on him. Sting taps, Vice groans. Not only was this another controversial finish of sort with Taz coming out, blahblahblah, but a botched ending. Either way, Joe has beaten a massive fucking name in wrestling’s past and present, and who the crap is talking about that?





The finish, for those who love failure.



Remember when Joe was amazing? Long, long time ago. :(





Samoa Joe over Sting Following A Tazzmission.







Segment 17 – LASHLEY!



Cewsh: Don West and Mike Tenay claim that they have a new signing to reveal. His name is Bobby Lashley. Ooookay, let’s forget that he actually showed up at Lockdown, got a huge deal made of him, and then disappeared from TNA for 4 months. He’s not even actually in the building, they just show clips of him on a radio show talking about how he plans to do some wrestling “sometime soon”. Then he calls out Brock Lesnar for an MMA fight.


Listen, I’m not in a position to be picky. Any Lashley is better than no Lashley, but this is pretty much weaksauce here. Either he’s ready to wrestle, or he doesn’t need to take time away from other people on PPV. I love the man to bits, but he isn’t a big enough name to merit this kind of bait and switch marketing. Just fucking call me when he’s actually going to be there and stop fucking teasing me with nothing.


Assholes.







Segment 18 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt (Prince) Angle © vs. Mick (Pauper) Foley.



Vice: I believe this is the first time Angle and Foley have gone at it one on one, which is such a ridiculous thing to think that I’ve tried to find anything that could have possibly been a match between them in the past few years. I can’t think of why they would have had a match of any kind, or how their paths would cross, but clearly they must have wrestled before.. right?


The match is good. You’ve got two drastically different styles in the ring here, and Mick is trying his bloody best to entertain the fans in the ring, but you can tell that he’s a broken down old man in horrible shape.


The story of the match here was that Foley said he would absolutely not tap under any circumstance, so Kurt needed to come up with a new gameplan. Only, Kurt Angle didn’t actually come up with a new gameplan, and he did, in fact, make Foley tap. Not sure how I feel about that, but whatever. It wasn’t the epic first (or second..) encounter I had hoped it would be, but this match should have taken place like a decade ago. Imagine Hogan vs. Austin in their physical conditions right now. Ugly, right? Well, this wasn’t too bad. Wasn’t great by any means, but wasn’t terrible. It just seemed to never really get into fourth gear and it suffered because of that. Plus it’s fucking Orlando.


Oh, and why did the ref have to die here once again?


The rest of the Main Event Mafia come down to the ring to celebrate with all the gold, because that’s what they said they’d do. However, they are lacking the X-division title (who? Oh right, you wouldn’t know if this was your first PPV because they needed time for Sharmell/Jenna) and the Knockouts title. Clearly they need to bring Waltman and Chyna in. Right?




Cewsh: I didn’t think much of this.


I mean, look, I got into this earlier, but Mick Foley is broken down, and its sad to watch him wrestle. Its not even like Nash who looks like a million bucks, no Foley looks like an older worse version of the guy who looked out of place in his prime. I think Foley is a very effective promo guy, and I absolutely respect everything he’s done for the industry, and even his value to TNA, but that doesn’t make this a good match. At it’s core, this match is intended to be entertainment, and that’s not what this was for me. It was a chore to watch this so that I could review it. It was a chore to sit through this, waiting for the clear and inevitable finish. Then, when the match did it, it was frankly a chore to type out what I thought about it, because I didn’t want it to just be several paragraphs of me complaining.


Err…too late?


Angle does his best, and you’d never know he was injured from his performance, but it wasn’t enough. God knows, I can’t think of anything that would have been. Maybe I’m being overly negative, and this match has merits I don’t see, it seems like Vice thought so, but I just can’t bring myself above a “meh”.


This match doesn’t want to be liked. It wants to be forgotten.



60 out of 100.





Kurt Angle over Mick Foley Following The Anglelock.







----------------------------------







Cewsh’s Conclusion:



Cewsh: Hmm. You know, I think we’ve all come to have very low expectations of TNA shows, and indeed, the booking leading to this show caused many of these matches to come in with very little momentum to work with, but I refuse to steal credit from some of these matches, because there was a lot of good here, to light the candle of hope for the future, heading down the road to Bound For Glory. TNA would never get us a show completely free of any controversy of unpleasantness, and this is a show that seriously fell apart at the end, but, well, it’s a start.


For the record, only a few of the matches deserve the above praise. Others deserve to be kicked repeatedly. It should be pretty clear which is which.




Cewsh's Final Score: 68 out of 100.







Vice’s Analysis:


Vice: Overall this show was pretty wacky with its ups and downs. Every single match seemed to have some sort of interference, ref bump, controversy.. whatever. It’s one of the reasons why it’s so hard to enjoy the product these days—the PPV matches, which are supposed to be the best, just never end clean and without question. Every match has just enough controversy to warrant a rematch or three. Wrestler A should pin wrestler B and call it a day. They make being a fan very difficult.



Vice's Final Score: 66 out of 100.







Vice's Awards:


























Alright, that'll do it for us tonight, boys and girls. We hope you had fun sharing with us a verrry unusual show in all respects. Things happened, people reacting, we brought pictures, everybody goes home happy. Please join us next week, when we'll have the newest WWE offering, Night of Champions. We'll be here. If you aren't here, then you're going to miss out, because we're bringing brownies. Yeah, that's right bitches. Brownies. What? Anyway, until then, remember to keep reading, and be good to one another.