Total Nonstop Askingofwhatthefuckjusthappened Proudly Presents…
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another edition of the NBA Jam, “He’s on fire,” award-winning Cewsh Reviews… Today, as always, we have a special treat for you, and this time it’s in the form of everyone’s favorite promotion, TNA, throwing a little shindig that they like to call TNA Sacrifice 2009. Now, as you may recall, we here at Cewsh Reviews have been quite down on TNA’s product over the past few months, and generally don’t particularly look forward to reviewing these shows. But hell, we do love our fans, and if subjecting ourselves to hour after hour of Team 3D and Rhino matches is what it takes to make you lovable bastards happy, then that’s exactly what we’re going to do.
And without further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review, shall we?
Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!
So remember when I said that they should put their PPV videos on television to actually draw buys? Well, they, um, actually did do that. This video wasn’t the best, but it actually aired on Impact first, so I honestly have to give them credit for that. Also, TNA clearly reads Cewsh Reviews. Naturally.
Segment 2 – The Motor City (‘s Only Source of Pride) Machine Guns and (I) Sheik (Have) Abdul (Three) Bashir (Names) vs. Eric (Are You A Heel Yet?) Young, and Lethal (Gimmicks) Consequences.
Vice: It feels like I’ve gone back in time. This was a match from 2003 or something. Fun opener. Decent spotfest. If I watched Impact, there would probably be a decent reason for why the Guns are teaming with Bashir. But as someone who pretty much only watches the PPVs, them teaming is very weird to me. The Guns are heels, I take it, and so is Bashir. But they’re two totally different types of heels. I really hate it when heels team with other heels just because they’re heels too. Yabadabadooooo. Maybe I’m missing something.
But whatever, the match really did feel like it was X-Division 2002/2004. So what does that mean? It was entertaining, but there wasn’t exactly much of a match. The crowd is relatively hot now, so it did its job. Ending kinda sucked though.
I’d like to discuss Eric Young right now. I don’t know what TNA should do with this guy. He’s a very underrated worker and definitely has a passion for the business, and the fans enjoy him.. but he’s always in limbo these days. He doesn’t have the right look, and certainly not the right character, to be anywhere neeeaaaaar the main event. Like, in a year or three you can picture guys like James Storm and Robert Roode climbing the ranks and sitting on top of TNA. But.. Eric? No. I can’t ever see it. Without a fluke 2 hour title reign, he’ll never get to the top. BUT, not everyone needs to get to the top. A midcard will always be needed with solid people. TNA isn’t booking him like the dude who thrives in the midcard like they probably should. He’s just in the midcard doing shit all and it’s nonsense. Give him some fucking direction! You have a dude who will always show up to work on time, in shape, and not on drugs, and is willing to go out and die for a single pop, and you push BRUTUS fucking MAGNUS?
Cewsh: Didn’t I just see this match on Impact?
Regardless of how fresh this match is, it’s a perfectly serviceable opening match. Of course, it was completely unadvertised, so it didn’t result in a single added buy for TNA, but I’m sure they don’t need the help, what with the stacked card they have for us tonight. It’s a fun X Division match, and it’s weird to think of how few of those we really get. Long gone are the days when X Division matches were the focus of the promotion, rather than being completely secondary to main event angles and matches. Long has it been since the division seemed to feature more than 3 or 4 guys, at any given time. It’s a real shame, and as much as I criticized the never ending flippies of those days, I do find myself getting nostalgic for those days of more exciting and watchable matches.
Speaking of nostalgia, this match had me growing a little misty eyed. These guys actually get 15 minutes to ply their trade for once, and they take full advantage by delivering an amazingly fun, fast paced, and spot filled extravaganza. These guys gave it their all, and everyone looks much better than they have looked in months. Bashir looks like a threat, Young looks like he has a personality, and the two tag teams look like legitimate stars, (until they’re inevitably required to get squashed by Team 3D later on.) I really didn’t have anything bad to say about this match, until the finish. Now I won’t openly spoil anything, but the ref gets involved in the finish, in an extremely questionable way. I groan in disbelief, as they appear to be launching yet another ref feud/racial discrimination angle with Bashir. Would it be possible, even for a moment, to let the man have a story line that doesn’t revolve around some kind of discrimination? Maybe, take a stand against repetitive storytelling, and actually have Bashir involve himself in an issue entirely unconnected to race or ethnicity? Could they, in fact, orchestrate a storyline including Sheik Abdul Bashir that allows him to just be a wrestler?
No. Of course not.
74 out of 100.
Jay Lethal over Sheik Abdul Bashir Following A Roll Up After Referee Interference.
Segment 3 – Knockout Monster’s Ball – (Tiny Hat Wearing) Daffney w/ Dr. (Mc) Stevie and Abyss(antine Empire) vs. Taylor (Hey Look, I Have Legs!) Wilde.
Cewsh: So this is a Monster’s Ball match, between women, and there are only two combatants. Soooo, basically, it’s a Street Fight. The whole idea of the Monster’s Ball was that the wrestlers would be locked up overnight, and then unleashed on each other with weapons. This match has none of those elements and instead just features some trash cans and kendo sticks. Abyss and Stevie are here too, but men can’t hit women in TNA, so their presence is meaningless.
Then again, this entire match is meaningless. It lasts about 5 minutes, and ends with a clean, essentially squash, finish. So yeah, this is why there’s a fast forward on your DVR. Daffney is, if you will excuse my French, a fine piece of ass, but that doesn’t mean this match is worth your time.
33 out of 100.
Vice: Dumb match here. It wasn’t even really a match. They wanted to do some storyline stuff, but doing storyline stuff just wouldn’t make sense by itself, so they had a poor excuse for a match to set it up. Seriously, the match was fucking awful. It didn’t even make any sense. It really should have just been a hardcore match or something. 1v1 WOMEN’S Monster’s Ball? Ahahahhaha. Come on now! Oh, I also hate how Taylor Wilde had the same entrance as she always does. Smiling, looking all happy and shit, blah blah blah. Why is she happy? If she’s happy, then why is she in a hardcore match and attempting to kill my precious Daffers? Look angry. Or scared. Or something. Anything. Don’t be happy.
Ok, but, I can’t complain too much. DID YOU FUCKING SEE WHAT DAFFNEY WAS WEARING? Holy @*#&! what an outfit. And her entrance was definitely a rip-off of Melina’s, but who cares. I never knew she was so flexible. No matter how much I despise TNA at times, I will always be thankful for them putting DAFFERS on my… computer monitor.
Taylor Wilde over Daffney Following a Press Slam Onto A Trash Can.
Cewsh: After the match, Dr. Stevie wants Abyss to put Taylor Wilde into some thumbtacks. Abyss then lifts her up for a chokeslam so high and so effortlessly, it looks like he’s going to throw her like a NERF football. Lauren runs in, however, and tries to get Abyss to stop. Stevie shoves her on her ass, smacks Abyss with a belt, and, well, laying hands on Lauren around Abyss might not be the smartest idea. Dr. McStevie then recieves a one way, 10 foot ride to Thumbtack City. It was so brutal, that you could actually see the blood seeping through Stevie’s white shirt. Ouchies! So finally, Abyss turns against his evil handler, and may now pursue a meaningful relationship with James Storm’s wife. Err…I mean, the Impact Announcer. Right. Right.
Vice: Stevie gets a back full of tacks. He joins Christian, Sting, and Jeff Hardy in the list of people I never thought I’d see take that kind of bump, but did it for a company known as TNA. White shirts + thumbtacks = AWESOME. You can’t fuck with blood stains. You could also tell that Richards really had no idea just how much that spot would hurt. Poor bastard.
Segment 4 – Jeff Jarrett is Sacrificial.
Cewsh: Jarrett has put his shares in TNA on the line to be in the title match tonight. So he’s potentially sacrificing them, you see. He also sacrificed his fashion sense years ago, though if you look back at 90s Jarrett, he might well have sacrificed it in the cradle.
Segment 5 – TNA X Division Championship – Suicide (Apparently Talks Now) © vs. Christopher (Cooler Than The Other Side of the Pillow) Daniels.
Cewsh: Seeing the reemergence of Christopher Daniels has really been a great thing to watch. It had been a long, long time since we’d gotten to see just plain Daniels, and until he was right in front of me, I had no idea how much I missed the bald bastard. I know it’s become cool in recent years to hate on Daniels, belittling his work, and that’s all well and good, but I love him to death. Since his comeback, he really seems to have a renewed vigor about him, and more personality than I’ve ever seen him with before.
On the other hand, we have Suicide. I am officially over Suicide. That’s almost unfair, as I was hardly ever UNDER the walking reminder of the abortion that was the TNA game. However, the novelty of the unique look and fun entrance has faded, and what we’re left with is: a weird costume, an awkward moveset, and no quality matches under his belt. Now, Suicide is actually talking, and involved in a storyline where he’s somehow both supernatural AND Christopher Daniels’ bitch. Suicide can apparently magic himself into the ring, and can kick anyone’s ass in a segment, but the second a match starts, he spends 95% of it getting his ass kicked and playing a sympathetic babyface. Am I missing something here? Then, there’s his whole Suicide gun motions. Yeah, people have been doing gun motions since the beginning of time, (or at least, since the beginning of guns,) but this is a guy NAMED SUICIDE pantomiming killing himself. Am I the only one that this comes off as slightly tasteless to? The worst part is the little kids in the audience simulating the act right along with him, while their parents cheer them on. Not exactly my cup of fucking tea.
The match itself was fairly forgettable. Like always with Suicide, he does a lot of innovative and unique offense, and the guy he’s doing it to seems to have no idea how to sell it. As a result, all of Suicide’s offense looks terrible and botchy. So this match chugs along, looking a little sloppy, despite Daniels’ best attempts to keep it on track, when the shenanigans present themselves. See, Shelley runs in, and gives the Codebreaker to Suicide, allowing Daniels to roll Suicide up for the victory and win the title. BUT! Daniels doesn’t want to win in such a cheap fashion, so he asks for 5 more minutes. Yes. In a match with no time limit, he REQUESTED A TIME LIMIT. He could have asked for eleventy billion hours, but no, he gets 5 minutes, and the countdown begins. So then the countdown ends, and well…
Nobody pins anybody, and Suicide retains. Wait, what? Daniels won the belt, but they have a little mini match where Suicide can win it back, but then he retains it by not winning? Or am I to entirely discount the entire Daniels winning thing altogether? If so, why did they even bother doing it? I had an honest mark out moment for Daniels winning the title and completing his big comeback, and in the blink of an eye, they stole this cool moment from me and replaced it with confusion and a little bit of anger.
Know what that’s called, boys and girls? It’s called WCW booking. And we loooooove it so.
62 out of 100.
He really needs to go back to the beard. Or at least the goatee. His fu manchu shit just doesn’t work at all, and he looks like some Jiffy Lube employee. Shit, he’s probably Rhino’s boss, ‘cause Rhino looks like a Jiffy Lube employee as well. And who the fuck is this Suicide? He’s absolutely terrible.
Well, this is one of the flattest matches I’ve ever seen. I’m seriously wondering who this Suicide is, because unless Kaz suddenly forgot how to wrestle, it can’t be him. It just can’t. He’s awful. Kaz is not awful. Maybe he is? :(
I joked around with Cewsh about it being Sylvan Grenier, but Suicide actually hits a good kip up towards the end of the match. So, that rules him out. But that also makes me learn more towards Kaz. Suicide had some cool mannerisms though, and I liked his movement.
So, the finish…
IT’S FUCKING AWESOME THAT DANIELS WINS THE TITLE!
Oh, right, that’d be too easy. This is TNA, you know…
Daniels doesn’t want to win the title that way, so he asks for 5 more minutes. Wait, 5 more minutes? What happens in 5 minutes? Who is the champion? What the fuck is going on?
Oh, I know what’s going on…
Seriously though, the match should have just restarted or something. See, the whole 5 minute thing is indy awesomeness. And because they tend to have time limits for every match. If a hot match comes to a draw, the fans are rabid and screaming 5 MORE MINUTES!!! at the top of their lungs, begging for some more action. When both wrestlers agree to wrestle 5 more minutes, it’s awesome. When the heel says “lol no”, it’s just as awesome. But if one of the guys in the match asked for 5 minutes without the fans chanting it, I’d laugh. Oh right, that’s what Daniels did.
I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore. The finish was just that stupid.
Envious Vice: Someone should send Suicide to a mental hospital.
Envious Vice: And then, like, they can make a really stupid announcement.
Envious Vice: JIM CORNETTE HAS COMMITTED SUICIDE
Envious Vice: And then, like, they can make a really stupid announcement.
Envious Vice: JIM CORNETTE HAS COMMITTED SUICIDE
Suicide over Christopher Daniels Following An I’m Not Honestly Sure. Time Limit Draw?
Segment 6 – TNA Knockout Championship – Angelina (The Sum Of Every Barbie Blonde You’ve Ever Seen) Love © vs. Awesome (Face?) Kong.
Vice: Has Awesome Kong spoken yet? They should totally have the epic black voiceover guy record a bunch of lines and Kong can move her mouth to them.
So, I’m going to make two rants here. The first one is Raisha Saeed. Why? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY? FUCKING WHY?
Seriously, look at that woman. She’s very attractive AND she is, well, WAS, one of the very best women in the independents. While that might not mean much due to the puddle of talent, she was still one of the best people TNA could have signed for their knockout division. She’s good looking and she can wrestle, but she can’t talk at all. So what does TNA do?
THEY PUT HER IN A MOTHERFUCKING BURKA, HAVE HER NOT WRESTLE, AND BE THE MOUTHPIECE FOR AWESOME KONG. Honestly, what the fuck.
The second one is finishes like the one this match had.
Ok, so you get sprayed in the face with shit. Yay. Your eyes sting a bit and you’re blind. So blind that YOU DON’T EVEN FEEL IT WHEN SOMEONE PUTS YOUR BACK TO THE MAT, ROLLS YOU UP AND PRESSES DOWN. So, really blind!
I can understand hairspray + FINISHER + pin, but rolling up a blind person? C’mon.
Is it just me, or has Angelina been looking more and more manly and cartoonish over the past few months? She’s overdoing her make-up or surgery or something. Yeah she’s a heel, but she’s also supposed to be beautiful. But really, she just looks like Mrs. Potato Head now.
Cewsh: Awesome Kong is a face now, and I guess that Raisha Saide is as well. That makes no sense, but alright, let’s roll with it. Kong legitimately seems to be getting over as a psycho killer babyface that destroys everything in her path, which is absolutely great, except that inevitably, TNA ruins and wastes every monster face that they build. Rhino, Joe, Brown, Abyss, all of them. Once Kong eats every woman in the division alive, what then? Nothing. A whole lot of nothing.
Angelina Love, on the other hand, has been making long, long strides ahead of every woman in the division in terms of heel work and promoing. I’ve really been getting into her as the chickenshit heel champion, especially since that’s something that this division hasn’t had before. It gives the entire Kockout Division a different feel and style to it. I just wish I didn’t feel like there was no chance for her to retain here, I really, really wish.
Kong squashes Love for awhile. For kind of a long while, honestly, while Love does all of the prerequisite heel things, like running away, and trying to get disqualified. None of it works, and Kong beats the beautiful holy hell out of her, which is good, seeing as that was pretty much the draw for this match. When the finish showed up, it was very questionable, (for reasons I believe Vice will be expounding on,) and I didn’t much like it. I can’t argue with the result though, as the right woman went over to keep this division treading water in the Sea of Relevance. One false move could pop up, and eat the whole goddamn boat, leaving no survivors in its bloody wake. For right now, however, it’s smooth sailing.
55 out of 100.
Angelina Love over Awesome Kong Following A Rollup.
Segment 7 – Kevin (Top 10 All Time Most Underrated) Nash vs. Samoa (I Wear Pajamas To Work) Joe.
Cewsh: Man, shit be crazy. 7 months ago, (or so,) these two guys wrestled after Joe’s mentor, the rapscallion Kevin Nash, cost Joe his title against Sting at Bound for Glory. They then had a match the next PPV, where Joe destroyed Nash, while the groundwork of the Main Event Mafia was being laid. Fast forward to the present, and I’m at a loss as to what has transpired. Nash and the Mafia have sunk to the background behind the feud between Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Kevin Nash, especially, has been put entirely on the backburner, aside from a vaguely referred to storyline with Jenna Morrasca. However, Nash is getting the Batista push compared to Joe right now. Think back. 7 months ago, someone sat down and decided that Samoa Joe should abandon his very successful and very dynamic character, and adopt a very dark character that was entirely different from what we’ve come to expect. He started wearing cheetah pajamas, (borrowed from Monty Brown?) odd looking face paint, and he started threatening to actually murder people; oftentimes kidnapping and torturing them backstage.
Then, after getting rid of anything even remotely likable about Samoa Joe, they started using him as a face in the MEM/Frontline confrontation. Why? I have no idea. Then, rumors started to surface that Taz was coming in to manage Joe. Joe started wearing a towel to the ring and stopped torturing people and threatening to kill them. Even though he’s a little more interesting now, after the 6 months that he spent meticulously alienating his fanbase, there’s really nothing left for him to do except bide his time until he’s up for gimmick reassignment, or for someone, (Taz,) to make this whole thing make some fucking sense.
The match itself, putting aside the wacky memories it inspires, is actually pretty good. These two generally have really good chemistry, and say what you will about Kevin Nash, but for at least the past year, he has busted his ass to make everyone look as good as he possibly can. He makes Joe look like a killer here, as he should, and it works like a charm. As much as I didn’t want to enjoy this, or anything that Joe does currently, I just couldn’t help myself. This was good stuff.
75 out of 100.
Vice: Remember when I wouldn’t shut up about how amazing Joe was? Yeah, I remember that. It was a long, long time ago. I’d like to say that he’s still a great worker, or even a [i]good[/i] worker, but I honestly just don’t know anymore. I really don’t.
I hate to say it, but ever since he won the title it’s all been downhill. Him winning it was great, but then he was kind of nudged into the shadows, fucked over, neglected, stripped of his direction, and then went crazy. Fuck.
I don’t enjoy Samoa Joe.
The match was alright, and better than it had any right to be, but as I stated before, Joe just isn’t Joe anymore and Nash can barely walk these days. Nash is smart, funny, has a good mind for the business and is beyond entertaining when he’s doing the right thing. His wrestling days are pretty much over though. So naturally TNA makes him angry, serious and gives him a prominent wrestling role.
Samoa Joe over Kevin Nash Following The Tazmission.
Segment 8 – Someone Asks Team 3D’s Opinion On Something.
Cewsh: It wasn’t me, so I wasn’t listening. Know what always captures my attention, though? Asian porn stars. Rarely let me down.
Segment 9 – 3D Tag Team Invitational – Beer (I’m Sick Of Naming You) Money Inc. vs. The British (As Opposed To The Norwegian) Invasion.
Vice: Cewsh is going to cover this match better than I ever could. So, why repeat everything he’s going to say? Instead, I’ll leave it at this..
The last time Brutus Magnus wrestled on PPV, he was a gladiator with an oversized helmet. That’s all I’m going to say.
Cewsh: Here, we have a tag team tournament in order to crown new stars in the tag team division. It is sponsored by Team 3D, who are offering a title shot to the winner and are putting up 100,000 dollars of their own, (read: not their own,) money to the winner. You get all these new and interesting tag teams in the mix, from youngsters like Lethal Consequences, to new arrivals like Amazing Red and Jethro Holliday, and what happens? Beer Money is in the final. The difference is that now they’re faces. Are the people who run TNA even fractually aware that it is possible to have more than one heel, in a division, at any given time? For example, maybe you could have the British Invasion AND Beer Money being heels, instead of taking the best heel tag team in the world, and turning them face for no other reason than because they like Team 3D. Now far be it for me to question their taste, but being a fan of Team 3D these days is more of a warning sign of insanity than it is a clear nomination for sainthood, but apparently, I just don’t get the vast appeal of fat guys who have bad matches. After all, it worked for Riki Choshu for 30 years, why not Team 3D?
The British Invasion have emerged from this tournament as the kind new, fresh tag team that that this tournament should be designed to promote. They’re a fresh team, they have good chemistry together, (except for Rob Terry who looks absolutely lost,) and Brutus Magnus is actually becoming a strong promo guy. They even jump Team 3D, leading to an obvious rivalry between the two teams.
SO WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS FUCKING HOLY AND JUST DID BEER MONEY WIN THIS MATCH?! You take your top heel tag team, turn them face, and then have them run roughshod over every tag team you can assemble, only to feed them to Team 3D again? Why? What sense does this make? What purpose does this serve? Beer Money didn’t need to prove themselves, they’ve been doing it by being completely dominant for over a year now. And yet TNA found it necessary to bury every single other tag team they could assemble from all over the globe in order to get over a team that was already shitfucking over! And all I could think, as I bashed my head into my computer desk again and again is “Fucking TNA. Fucking, FUCKING TNA.” This kind of shit isn’t the exception anymore, and I can’t just laugh it off. There has been stupid and ridiculous bullshit in EVERY SINGLE MATCH SO FAR ON THIS CARD. Even the ones that featured good wrestling (like this match, coincidentally), are completely overshadowed by this looming specter of overbooking, and just absolute garbage. Long have I listened to people compare TNA to WCW, but I’ve always argued that those comparisons are wrong. And they are wrong. Because not even WCW ever got it so maliciously, and painfully wrong as TNA does every fucking single time.
AND WHERE THE FUCK IS BOBBY LASHLEY?!
70 out of 100.
Beer Money over The British Invasion Following A Foreign Object Shot.
Segment 10 – Kurt Angle Is A Gentle Lover.
Cewsh: At least I assume so from the flower he carries around everywhere. Fancy men love flowers.
Note: Yes I KNOW he’s doing that ridiculous Godfather thing. A Gentle Lover gimmick would be an improvement.
Segment 11 – TNA Legends Championship – I Quit Match – AJ (I Used To Wrestle, Didn’t I?) Styles © vs. (I Wish He Was The) Booker (Because He Couldn’t Do Any Worse) T.
Cewsh: So let’s see, here we have one of the greatest high flyers in wrestling history in a match entirely and exclusively about brawling, which he doesn’t do, or submission moves, which he doesn’t have.
The fact that these two men are having an I Quit match here, when their feud more or less ended a few months ago is just baffling. In fact, it wasn’t just THEIR feud that ended, but where the fuck is the Frontline these days? Rhino disappeared, Team 3D is doing other things, Joe went off on his own little world, Daniels is busy, and so is Jarrett. So am I to understand that the feud is currently AJ Styles vs. The Main Event Mafia? Or is that just because they haven’t figured out anything else for him to do yet either?
Notice how my reviews of these matches have just become me yelling at the wind? That’s because my outrage is more interesting than the matches. Styles and Booker are much like Christian and Booker from back in the day; their matches are perfectly fine, but they just don’t feel right. Maybe it’s a lack of chemistry, maybe it’s a lack of any relevant backstory, or maybe it’s just that that the match isn’t that good. I’m not sure. There isn’t anything I can point to and say, “That was bad,” but the fact is, the parts of this match just didn’t add up to greatness.
67 out of 100.
Vice: The match was decent. Styles and Booker don’t have a heck of a lot of chemistry, but they find a way to manage. But the real story of this match is the finish.
So, Nash’s girlfriend runs down to the ring and throws the towel in for Booker. Naturally, the ref rings the bell and AJ wins. Why? How? It seriously doesn’t make sense to me, and amazingly enough, this is not the first time TNA has done this. AJ Styles once threw the towel in for Christopher Daniels when Samoa Joe was killing him with nasty elbows. And then Christopher Daniels once threw the towel in for Styles in a match with Shannon Moore. So, in theory, anyone could come down from the back at any time and throw the towel in for any person. Ok, seriously-- name 3 things wrong with that. It’ll be a fun exercise in smashing TNA.
What a dumb fucking finish. Even if AJ and Booker were having a five star match up until literally 3 seconds before Nash’s woman ran out for the finish, it would have made it a dumb match. And since it was only decent up to that point…..
AJ Styles over Booker T Following Jenna Morasca Throwing In The Towel.
Cewsh Note: No, Jenna Morasca was not part of this match, and it was not explained why she had the ability to make that decision.
Segment 12 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – The Ultimate Sacrifice Matchup - Mick (Your Immobile World Champion) Foley © vs. Jeff (The Only Real Face In This Match. Yes, Seriously.) Jarrett vs. (Bee) Sting vs. Kurt (And Ernie) Angle.
Cewsh: Okay, the idea here is that each guy in this match had to risk sacrificing something in order to gain entry into the match. Whoever is pinned or submits is the guy who has to sacrifice the thing he put up as collateral. Foley is risking his title, naturally, Sting has to retire if he loses, Kurt Angle will lose his spot as the leader of the Main Event Mafia to whoever pins him, and Jeff Jarrett will lose his shares in TNA, (and therefore his authority figure status.) This is an interesting, if overly convoluted, concept, because it flips the match on its head. Instead of focusing on who might win the title here, it’s much more intriguing to see who will lose the match and will have to face the punishment. Now, ordinarily, I might complain that this takes attention away from the title, but frankly I’m just grateful to have a TNA main event that I’m interested to see the result of.
The match itself is quite remarkable as well. First, we have Angle and Sting working together against the other two, which mainly involves Jeff Jarrett bouncing around like a pinball, which is actually very entertaining. A lot of people are quick to speak badly about Jarrett’s face run, and his wrestling, but the fact is that he plays a tremendously effective gutsy babyface. Mick Foley, for his part, spends the first half of this match actually doing guest commentary, which is kind of amusing when you remember that the Rock first did this while beating up…Mick Foley! This keeps Foley out of the match, and lets the other 3 more spry wrestlers have themselves a fun little contest. When Angle leaps over the announce table at Foley and drags him back in, that’s when things get interesting. Double submissions, chair shots, guitar shots, finishers coming from every direction at once, and its all carried off, well, WELL! I really don’t know what to think about this match actually being this good. They set up a compelling backdrop to the match, and then they delivered a compelling match. I’m honestly kind of at a loss. The last time TNA put on a main event this good was last year’s Bound For Glory, and it feels like longer.
After all the shit I gave TNA before this, this match definitely made me want to take those words back.
And then the ending happened.
Jeff Jarrett hits Kurt Angle with the Stroke on a chair, and then Sting leaps across the ring, covers Angle and gets the pin. “Wow!” I thought, “They really swerved me here! Sting wins the title back from Foley AND is the new leader of the Main Event Mafia? This could go a lot of interesting places! Wait, why isn’t the ref giving Sting the belt? Wait, this match was only for the title if they pinned Mick Foley? Then why the hell was anyone wrestling anyone else other than Foley? And why was Foley wrestling anyone else other than Jarrett? Sting and Angle only wanted the title, and Jarrett just wanted to beat Foley, soooo why did they let him sit at the announcer’s booth for ten minutes while they did nothing to achieve their often stated, desperately held goal?”
Yes, I do think in entire paragraphs. I’m just that smart.
Anyway, I was entirely baffled by this turn of events. Evidently, I had completely misunderstood the meaning of this match. I truly don’t know what in the fuck all I’m supposed to think about the way this match ended. Confusion and a little bit of anger seem to be my main feelings. Funny, could’ve sworn I’d felt this way before.
The match score should really just be for what happens between the ropes, and not whatever else went on, so I’m grading it for that.
78 out of 100.
Vice: Main event time. The concept of this match is pretty great. Each man is putting something big on the line, except, well, Kurt Angle. If Foley loses, he loses the title. If Sting loses, he retires. If Jarrett loses, he loses control of TNA. If Kurt Angle loses, he can no longer be the leader of the Main Event Mafia. What person isn’t really losing much if they lose? Kurt Angle. So, guess who I have pegged to lose?
Jeff Jarrett. DUH!
Naturally, with four people, there’s going to be two 1v1 battles going on, so TNA decides to split-screen us. I don’t think it could possibly be more disorienting. Each window is curved as if looking through Batman’s eyes, and the background is like flying through a tunnel. It’s just dizzying.
Mick Foley hopping on commentary during the match was funny, but it also demonstrated a massive, massive problem in this match (aside from him being in it and not being in any shape to wrestle often, much less be champion…), and that problem is… YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PARTICIAPTE! Mick can hang out in the booth all night long or just wander off. As long as he isn’t pinned, he doesn’t lose anything.
Sting seriously has the worst Sharpshooter ever. He just stands up. How does that hurt?
Foley needs to ditch the fucking sock(s).
Angle is fucking awesome and I won’t let anyone convince me otherwise.
There was a fun spot with a double ankle lock from Angle, but Jeff did what I hate most—he waited around for it to happen. He was in the ankle lock in pain. Angle lets go for a few seconds to hook Sting in it as well, and Jeff literally just laid there doing nothing. He was not in pain. His leg was barely being held, so if he even so much as twitched his leg he could have broken free. But no, he just chills. But then when Angle locks the ankle lock in on both guys, Jeff is in the most pain of his life yet again. Also, a double ankle lock just wouldn’t work. Looks cool and it’s fun, but neither man’s ankle is even bent.
It was a good match though. Very fun and enjoyable. However, regarding the finish…
So, Sting wins and is the leader of the Main Event Mafia now. Huh? See, this is where the rules and these “epic” TNA main events lose me. It’s so confusing that even Jeremy Borash had no clue what the hell was going on during the match introduction. Sting becoming leader of the Main Event Mafia makes a bit of sense and keeps their feud going. So, that’s what was going to happen. Now, what if Jarrett had pinned Angle? Jarrett would be the leader of the Main Event Mafia? What if Sting had pinned Jarrett? Would he own TNA?
This is one of my biggest pet peeves with wrestling. Some matches are booked so that there are like 30 possible outcomes, but 29 of them are completely fucking retarded and make absolutely zero sense, and conveniently the only one that does make some bit of sense is the outcome.
So in a match where the title could have changed hands, a legend could be retired, or someone could gain control of TNA as a whole.. Sting wins the right to become leader of a faction that he doesn’t even seem to want to be a part of to continue feuding with Kurt Angle. Not only is that incredibly underwhelming, confusing, and awful, but the entire match and the entire month leading up to the match is pretty much pointless when you think about it. Brilliant.
Sting over Everyone Else Following A Sneaky Pin.
Cewsh: Well this show was infuriating, there’s no other way to say it. Lots of things I seriously disliked about TNA before this show seemed to bubble to the surface here, and as a result this review reads like one enormous rant. The funny thing is that there really are some decent matches here, and I didn’t mind watching the matches themselves for the most part, but every single match had at least one moment, before or after it, that just drove me into a berserker-like frenzy.
Think I could bill TNA for axe holes in my drywall?
Cewsh’s Final Score: 64.25 out of 100.
Vice: Overall, it was a pretty lousy show. The opening match was kind of fun despite a sucky finish. The main event was fun despite a sucky (and idiotic) finish. And pretty much every other match on the show sucked and, you guessed it, had sucky finishes.
But hey, don’t forget to catch the replay for $30.
KILL THE ZOLOM, LIBERATE THE MELISSA!
Vice's Final Score: 22 out of 100.
Alright, that'll do it for us tonight, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed this magical, romantic journey through the boundless and starlit trails of our imaginations. And if you didn't, then we hope that you enjoyed us ripping into TNA in a way that can only be referred to as satisfying. Next week, we'll be back on the scent of good wrestling (not that we ever seem to find it), when we deliver the mother of all ridiculous, over the top shows to you, our adoring public. That's right, boys and girls, we have dug down deep into our bag of tricks and will be bringing you the IWA:MS King of the Deathmatch Tournament 2009! Oh yes. You better believe it. You won't want to miss it. In the meantime, keep reading and be good to one another.