Here there be spoilers.

If you are new or looking to AVOID the spoilers, go here now.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of the reviews, there are spoilers inside all the cuts. You don't want them? Turn around, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and click the pretty link at the top of this box. Our table of contents features all of our scores and download recommendations, spoiler free.

If you ignore this and read a spoiler anyway, don't come crying to us. We did warn you.

May 24, 2009

TNA Sacrifice 2009

Total Nonstop Askingofwhatthefuckjusthappened Proudly Presents…


TNA SACRIFICE 2009



Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another edition of the NBA Jam, “He’s on fire,” award-winning Cewsh Reviews… Today, as always, we have a special treat for you, and this time it’s in the form of everyone’s favorite promotion, TNA, throwing a little shindig that they like to call TNA Sacrifice 2009. Now, as you may recall, we here at Cewsh Reviews have been quite down on TNA’s product over the past few months, and generally don’t particularly look forward to reviewing these shows. But hell, we do love our fans, and if subjecting ourselves to hour after hour of Team 3D and Rhino matches is what it takes to make you lovable bastards happy, then that’s exactly what we’re going to do.


And without further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review, shall we?







Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!



Cewsh: Hmm.


So remember when I said that they should put their PPV videos on television to actually draw buys? Well, they, um, actually did do that. This video wasn’t the best, but it actually aired on Impact first, so I honestly have to give them credit for that. Also, TNA clearly reads Cewsh Reviews. Naturally.







Segment 2 – The Motor City (‘s Only Source of Pride) Machine Guns and (I) Sheik (Have) Abdul (Three) Bashir (Names) vs. Eric (Are You A Heel Yet?) Young, and Lethal (Gimmicks) Consequences.



Vice: It feels like I’ve gone back in time. This was a match from 2003 or something. Fun opener. Decent spotfest. If I watched Impact, there would probably be a decent reason for why the Guns are teaming with Bashir. But as someone who pretty much only watches the PPVs, them teaming is very weird to me. The Guns are heels, I take it, and so is Bashir. But they’re two totally different types of heels. I really hate it when heels team with other heels just because they’re heels too. Yabadabadooooo. Maybe I’m missing something.


But whatever, the match really did feel like it was X-Division 2002/2004. So what does that mean? It was entertaining, but there wasn’t exactly much of a match. The crowd is relatively hot now, so it did its job. Ending kinda sucked though.


I’d like to discuss Eric Young right now. I don’t know what TNA should do with this guy. He’s a very underrated worker and definitely has a passion for the business, and the fans enjoy him.. but he’s always in limbo these days. He doesn’t have the right look, and certainly not the right character, to be anywhere neeeaaaaar the main event. Like, in a year or three you can picture guys like James Storm and Robert Roode climbing the ranks and sitting on top of TNA. But.. Eric? No. I can’t ever see it. Without a fluke 2 hour title reign, he’ll never get to the top. BUT, not everyone needs to get to the top. A midcard will always be needed with solid people. TNA isn’t booking him like the dude who thrives in the midcard like they probably should. He’s just in the midcard doing shit all and it’s nonsense. Give him some fucking direction! You have a dude who will always show up to work on time, in shape, and not on drugs, and is willing to go out and die for a single pop, and you push BRUTUS fucking MAGNUS?




Cewsh: Didn’t I just see this match on Impact?


Regardless of how fresh this match is, it’s a perfectly serviceable opening match. Of course, it was completely unadvertised, so it didn’t result in a single added buy for TNA, but I’m sure they don’t need the help, what with the stacked card they have for us tonight. It’s a fun X Division match, and it’s weird to think of how few of those we really get. Long gone are the days when X Division matches were the focus of the promotion, rather than being completely secondary to main event angles and matches. Long has it been since the division seemed to feature more than 3 or 4 guys, at any given time. It’s a real shame, and as much as I criticized the never ending flippies of those days, I do find myself getting nostalgic for those days of more exciting and watchable matches.


Speaking of nostalgia, this match had me growing a little misty eyed. These guys actually get 15 minutes to ply their trade for once, and they take full advantage by delivering an amazingly fun, fast paced, and spot filled extravaganza. These guys gave it their all, and everyone looks much better than they have looked in months. Bashir looks like a threat, Young looks like he has a personality, and the two tag teams look like legitimate stars, (until they’re inevitably required to get squashed by Team 3D later on.) I really didn’t have anything bad to say about this match, until the finish. Now I won’t openly spoil anything, but the ref gets involved in the finish, in an extremely questionable way. I groan in disbelief, as they appear to be launching yet another ref feud/racial discrimination angle with Bashir. Would it be possible, even for a moment, to let the man have a story line that doesn’t revolve around some kind of discrimination? Maybe, take a stand against repetitive storytelling, and actually have Bashir involve himself in an issue entirely unconnected to race or ethnicity? Could they, in fact, orchestrate a storyline including Sheik Abdul Bashir that allows him to just be a wrestler?


No. Of course not.



74 out of 100.





Jay Lethal over Sheik Abdul Bashir Following A Roll Up After Referee Interference.







Segment 3 – Knockout Monster’s Ball – (Tiny Hat Wearing) Daffney w/ Dr. (Mc) Stevie and Abyss(antine Empire) vs. Taylor (Hey Look, I Have Legs!) Wilde.



Cewsh: So this is a Monster’s Ball match, between women, and there are only two combatants. Soooo, basically, it’s a Street Fight. The whole idea of the Monster’s Ball was that the wrestlers would be locked up overnight, and then unleashed on each other with weapons. This match has none of those elements and instead just features some trash cans and kendo sticks. Abyss and Stevie are here too, but men can’t hit women in TNA, so their presence is meaningless.


Then again, this entire match is meaningless. It lasts about 5 minutes, and ends with a clean, essentially squash, finish. So yeah, this is why there’s a fast forward on your DVR. Daffney is, if you will excuse my French, a fine piece of ass, but that doesn’t mean this match is worth your time.



33 out of 100.




Vice: Dumb match here. It wasn’t even really a match. They wanted to do some storyline stuff, but doing storyline stuff just wouldn’t make sense by itself, so they had a poor excuse for a match to set it up. Seriously, the match was fucking awful. It didn’t even make any sense. It really should have just been a hardcore match or something. 1v1 WOMEN’S Monster’s Ball? Ahahahhaha. Come on now! Oh, I also hate how Taylor Wilde had the same entrance as she always does. Smiling, looking all happy and shit, blah blah blah. Why is she happy? If she’s happy, then why is she in a hardcore match and attempting to kill my precious Daffers? Look angry. Or scared. Or something. Anything. Don’t be happy.


Ok, but, I can’t complain too much. DID YOU FUCKING SEE WHAT DAFFNEY WAS WEARING? Holy @*#&! what an outfit. And her entrance was definitely a rip-off of Melina’s, but who cares. I never knew she was so flexible. No matter how much I despise TNA at times, I will always be thankful for them putting DAFFERS on my… computer monitor.





Taylor Wilde over Daffney Following a Press Slam Onto A Trash Can.





Cewsh: After the match, Dr. Stevie wants Abyss to put Taylor Wilde into some thumbtacks. Abyss then lifts her up for a chokeslam so high and so effortlessly, it looks like he’s going to throw her like a NERF football. Lauren runs in, however, and tries to get Abyss to stop. Stevie shoves her on her ass, smacks Abyss with a belt, and, well, laying hands on Lauren around Abyss might not be the smartest idea. Dr. McStevie then recieves a one way, 10 foot ride to Thumbtack City. It was so brutal, that you could actually see the blood seeping through Stevie’s white shirt. Ouchies! So finally, Abyss turns against his evil handler, and may now pursue a meaningful relationship with James Storm’s wife. Err…I mean, the Impact Announcer. Right. Right.




Vice: Stevie gets a back full of tacks. He joins Christian, Sting, and Jeff Hardy in the list of people I never thought I’d see take that kind of bump, but did it for a company known as TNA. White shirts + thumbtacks = AWESOME. You can’t fuck with blood stains. You could also tell that Richards really had no idea just how much that spot would hurt. Poor bastard.







Segment 4 – Jeff Jarrett is Sacrificial.



Cewsh: Jarrett has put his shares in TNA on the line to be in the title match tonight. So he’s potentially sacrificing them, you see. He also sacrificed his fashion sense years ago, though if you look back at 90s Jarrett, he might well have sacrificed it in the cradle.







Segment 5 – TNA X Division Championship – Suicide (Apparently Talks Now) © vs. Christopher (Cooler Than The Other Side of the Pillow) Daniels.



Cewsh: Seeing the reemergence of Christopher Daniels has really been a great thing to watch. It had been a long, long time since we’d gotten to see just plain Daniels, and until he was right in front of me, I had no idea how much I missed the bald bastard. I know it’s become cool in recent years to hate on Daniels, belittling his work, and that’s all well and good, but I love him to death. Since his comeback, he really seems to have a renewed vigor about him, and more personality than I’ve ever seen him with before.


On the other hand, we have Suicide. I am officially over Suicide. That’s almost unfair, as I was hardly ever UNDER the walking reminder of the abortion that was the TNA game. However, the novelty of the unique look and fun entrance has faded, and what we’re left with is: a weird costume, an awkward moveset, and no quality matches under his belt. Now, Suicide is actually talking, and involved in a storyline where he’s somehow both supernatural AND Christopher Daniels’ bitch. Suicide can apparently magic himself into the ring, and can kick anyone’s ass in a segment, but the second a match starts, he spends 95% of it getting his ass kicked and playing a sympathetic babyface. Am I missing something here? Then, there’s his whole Suicide gun motions. Yeah, people have been doing gun motions since the beginning of time, (or at least, since the beginning of guns,) but this is a guy NAMED SUICIDE pantomiming killing himself. Am I the only one that this comes off as slightly tasteless to? The worst part is the little kids in the audience simulating the act right along with him, while their parents cheer them on. Not exactly my cup of fucking tea.


The match itself was fairly forgettable. Like always with Suicide, he does a lot of innovative and unique offense, and the guy he’s doing it to seems to have no idea how to sell it. As a result, all of Suicide’s offense looks terrible and botchy. So this match chugs along, looking a little sloppy, despite Daniels’ best attempts to keep it on track, when the shenanigans present themselves. See, Shelley runs in, and gives the Codebreaker to Suicide, allowing Daniels to roll Suicide up for the victory and win the title. BUT! Daniels doesn’t want to win in such a cheap fashion, so he asks for 5 more minutes. Yes. In a match with no time limit, he REQUESTED A TIME LIMIT. He could have asked for eleventy billion hours, but no, he gets 5 minutes, and the countdown begins. So then the countdown ends, and well…


Nobody pins anybody, and Suicide retains. Wait, what? Daniels won the belt, but they have a little mini match where Suicide can win it back, but then he retains it by not winning? Or am I to entirely discount the entire Daniels winning thing altogether? If so, why did they even bother doing it? I had an honest mark out moment for Daniels winning the title and completing his big comeback, and in the blink of an eye, they stole this cool moment from me and replaced it with confusion and a little bit of anger.



Know what that’s called, boys and girls? It’s called WCW booking. And we loooooove it so.



62 out of 100.




Vice: DAAAAAAANIEEEEEEEELS


He really needs to go back to the beard. Or at least the goatee. His fu manchu shit just doesn’t work at all, and he looks like some Jiffy Lube employee. Shit, he’s probably Rhino’s boss, ‘cause Rhino looks like a Jiffy Lube employee as well. And who the fuck is this Suicide? He’s absolutely terrible.


Well, this is one of the flattest matches I’ve ever seen. I’m seriously wondering who this Suicide is, because unless Kaz suddenly forgot how to wrestle, it can’t be him. It just can’t. He’s awful. Kaz is not awful. Maybe he is? :(


I joked around with Cewsh about it being Sylvan Grenier, but Suicide actually hits a good kip up towards the end of the match. So, that rules him out. But that also makes me learn more towards Kaz. Suicide had some cool mannerisms though, and I liked his movement.


So, the finish…


IT’S FUCKING AWESOME THAT DANIELS WINS THE TITLE!


Oh, right, that’d be too easy. This is TNA, you know…


Daniels doesn’t want to win the title that way, so he asks for 5 more minutes. Wait, 5 more minutes? What happens in 5 minutes? Who is the champion? What the fuck is going on?


Oh, I know what’s going on…








BULLSHIT.


Seriously though, the match should have just restarted or something. See, the whole 5 minute thing is indy awesomeness. And because they tend to have time limits for every match. If a hot match comes to a draw, the fans are rabid and screaming 5 MORE MINUTES!!! at the top of their lungs, begging for some more action. When both wrestlers agree to wrestle 5 more minutes, it’s awesome. When the heel says “lol no”, it’s just as awesome. But if one of the guys in the match asked for 5 minutes without the fans chanting it, I’d laugh. Oh right, that’s what Daniels did.


I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore. The finish was just that stupid.


Fuck TNA.




Envious Vice: Someone should send Suicide to a mental hospital.

Envious Vice: And then, like, they can make a really stupid announcement.

Envious Vice: JIM CORNETTE HAS COMMITTED SUICIDE





Suicide over Christopher Daniels Following An I’m Not Honestly Sure. Time Limit Draw?







Segment 6 – TNA Knockout Championship – Angelina (The Sum Of Every Barbie Blonde You’ve Ever Seen) Love © vs. Awesome (Face?) Kong.



Vice: Has Awesome Kong spoken yet? They should totally have the epic black voiceover guy record a bunch of lines and Kong can move her mouth to them.


So, I’m going to make two rants here. The first one is Raisha Saeed. Why? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY? FUCKING WHY?










Seriously, look at that woman. She’s very attractive AND she is, well, WAS, one of the very best women in the independents. While that might not mean much due to the puddle of talent, she was still one of the best people TNA could have signed for their knockout division. She’s good looking and she can wrestle, but she can’t talk at all. So what does TNA do?


THEY PUT HER IN A MOTHERFUCKING BURKA, HAVE HER NOT WRESTLE, AND BE THE MOUTHPIECE FOR AWESOME KONG. Honestly, what the fuck.


The second one is finishes like the one this match had.


Ok, so you get sprayed in the face with shit. Yay. Your eyes sting a bit and you’re blind. So blind that YOU DON’T EVEN FEEL IT WHEN SOMEONE PUTS YOUR BACK TO THE MAT, ROLLS YOU UP AND PRESSES DOWN. So, really blind!


I can understand hairspray + FINISHER + pin, but rolling up a blind person? C’mon.


Is it just me, or has Angelina been looking more and more manly and cartoonish over the past few months? She’s overdoing her make-up or surgery or something. Yeah she’s a heel, but she’s also supposed to be beautiful. But really, she just looks like Mrs. Potato Head now.


Cewsh: Awesome Kong is a face now, and I guess that Raisha Saide is as well. That makes no sense, but alright, let’s roll with it. Kong legitimately seems to be getting over as a psycho killer babyface that destroys everything in her path, which is absolutely great, except that inevitably, TNA ruins and wastes every monster face that they build. Rhino, Joe, Brown, Abyss, all of them. Once Kong eats every woman in the division alive, what then? Nothing. A whole lot of nothing.


Angelina Love, on the other hand, has been making long, long strides ahead of every woman in the division in terms of heel work and promoing. I’ve really been getting into her as the chickenshit heel champion, especially since that’s something that this division hasn’t had before. It gives the entire Kockout Division a different feel and style to it. I just wish I didn’t feel like there was no chance for her to retain here, I really, really wish.


Kong squashes Love for awhile. For kind of a long while, honestly, while Love does all of the prerequisite heel things, like running away, and trying to get disqualified. None of it works, and Kong beats the beautiful holy hell out of her, which is good, seeing as that was pretty much the draw for this match. When the finish showed up, it was very questionable, (for reasons I believe Vice will be expounding on,) and I didn’t much like it. I can’t argue with the result though, as the right woman went over to keep this division treading water in the Sea of Relevance. One false move could pop up, and eat the whole goddamn boat, leaving no survivors in its bloody wake. For right now, however, it’s smooth sailing.


55 out of 100.





Angelina Love over Awesome Kong Following A Rollup.







Segment 7 – Kevin (Top 10 All Time Most Underrated) Nash vs. Samoa (I Wear Pajamas To Work) Joe.



Cewsh: Man, shit be crazy. 7 months ago, (or so,) these two guys wrestled after Joe’s mentor, the rapscallion Kevin Nash, cost Joe his title against Sting at Bound for Glory. They then had a match the next PPV, where Joe destroyed Nash, while the groundwork of the Main Event Mafia was being laid. Fast forward to the present, and I’m at a loss as to what has transpired. Nash and the Mafia have sunk to the background behind the feud between Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Kevin Nash, especially, has been put entirely on the backburner, aside from a vaguely referred to storyline with Jenna Morrasca. However, Nash is getting the Batista push compared to Joe right now. Think back. 7 months ago, someone sat down and decided that Samoa Joe should abandon his very successful and very dynamic character, and adopt a very dark character that was entirely different from what we’ve come to expect. He started wearing cheetah pajamas, (borrowed from Monty Brown?) odd looking face paint, and he started threatening to actually murder people; oftentimes kidnapping and torturing them backstage.


Then, after getting rid of anything even remotely likable about Samoa Joe, they started using him as a face in the MEM/Frontline confrontation. Why? I have no idea. Then, rumors started to surface that Taz was coming in to manage Joe. Joe started wearing a towel to the ring and stopped torturing people and threatening to kill them. Even though he’s a little more interesting now, after the 6 months that he spent meticulously alienating his fanbase, there’s really nothing left for him to do except bide his time until he’s up for gimmick reassignment, or for someone, (Taz,) to make this whole thing make some fucking sense.


The match itself, putting aside the wacky memories it inspires, is actually pretty good. These two generally have really good chemistry, and say what you will about Kevin Nash, but for at least the past year, he has busted his ass to make everyone look as good as he possibly can. He makes Joe look like a killer here, as he should, and it works like a charm. As much as I didn’t want to enjoy this, or anything that Joe does currently, I just couldn’t help myself. This was good stuff.



75 out of 100.




Vice: Remember when I wouldn’t shut up about how amazing Joe was? Yeah, I remember that. It was a long, long time ago. I’d like to say that he’s still a great worker, or even a [i]good[/i] worker, but I honestly just don’t know anymore. I really don’t.


I hate to say it, but ever since he won the title it’s all been downhill. Him winning it was great, but then he was kind of nudged into the shadows, fucked over, neglected, stripped of his direction, and then went crazy. Fuck.


I don’t enjoy Samoa Joe.


The match was alright, and better than it had any right to be, but as I stated before, Joe just isn’t Joe anymore and Nash can barely walk these days. Nash is smart, funny, has a good mind for the business and is beyond entertaining when he’s doing the right thing. His wrestling days are pretty much over though. So naturally TNA makes him angry, serious and gives him a prominent wrestling role.





Samoa Joe over Kevin Nash Following The Tazmission.






Segment 8 – Someone Asks Team 3D’s Opinion On Something.



Cewsh: It wasn’t me, so I wasn’t listening. Know what always captures my attention, though? Asian porn stars. Rarely let me down.







Segment 9 – 3D Tag Team Invitational – Beer (I’m Sick Of Naming You) Money Inc. vs. The British (As Opposed To The Norwegian) Invasion.



Vice: Cewsh is going to cover this match better than I ever could. So, why repeat everything he’s going to say? Instead, I’ll leave it at this..


The last time Brutus Magnus wrestled on PPV, he was a gladiator with an oversized helmet. That’s all I’m going to say.




Cewsh: Here, we have a tag team tournament in order to crown new stars in the tag team division. It is sponsored by Team 3D, who are offering a title shot to the winner and are putting up 100,000 dollars of their own, (read: not their own,) money to the winner. You get all these new and interesting tag teams in the mix, from youngsters like Lethal Consequences, to new arrivals like Amazing Red and Jethro Holliday, and what happens? Beer Money is in the final. The difference is that now they’re faces. Are the people who run TNA even fractually aware that it is possible to have more than one heel, in a division, at any given time? For example, maybe you could have the British Invasion AND Beer Money being heels, instead of taking the best heel tag team in the world, and turning them face for no other reason than because they like Team 3D. Now far be it for me to question their taste, but being a fan of Team 3D these days is more of a warning sign of insanity than it is a clear nomination for sainthood, but apparently, I just don’t get the vast appeal of fat guys who have bad matches. After all, it worked for Riki Choshu for 30 years, why not Team 3D?


The British Invasion have emerged from this tournament as the kind new, fresh tag team that that this tournament should be designed to promote. They’re a fresh team, they have good chemistry together, (except for Rob Terry who looks absolutely lost,) and Brutus Magnus is actually becoming a strong promo guy. They even jump Team 3D, leading to an obvious rivalry between the two teams.


SO WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS FUCKING HOLY AND JUST DID BEER MONEY WIN THIS MATCH?! You take your top heel tag team, turn them face, and then have them run roughshod over every tag team you can assemble, only to feed them to Team 3D again? Why? What sense does this make? What purpose does this serve? Beer Money didn’t need to prove themselves, they’ve been doing it by being completely dominant for over a year now. And yet TNA found it necessary to bury every single other tag team they could assemble from all over the globe in order to get over a team that was already shitfucking over! And all I could think, as I bashed my head into my computer desk again and again is “Fucking TNA. Fucking, FUCKING TNA.” This kind of shit isn’t the exception anymore, and I can’t just laugh it off. There has been stupid and ridiculous bullshit in EVERY SINGLE MATCH SO FAR ON THIS CARD. Even the ones that featured good wrestling (like this match, coincidentally), are completely overshadowed by this looming specter of overbooking, and just absolute garbage. Long have I listened to people compare TNA to WCW, but I’ve always argued that those comparisons are wrong. And they are wrong. Because not even WCW ever got it so maliciously, and painfully wrong as TNA does every fucking single time.



AND WHERE THE FUCK IS BOBBY LASHLEY?!




70 out of 100.





Beer Money over The British Invasion Following A Foreign Object Shot.







Segment 10 – Kurt Angle Is A Gentle Lover.



Cewsh: At least I assume so from the flower he carries around everywhere. Fancy men love flowers.


Note: Yes I KNOW he’s doing that ridiculous Godfather thing. A Gentle Lover gimmick would be an improvement.







Segment 11 – TNA Legends Championship – I Quit Match – AJ (I Used To Wrestle, Didn’t I?) Styles © vs. (I Wish He Was The) Booker (Because He Couldn’t Do Any Worse) T.



Cewsh: So let’s see, here we have one of the greatest high flyers in wrestling history in a match entirely and exclusively about brawling, which he doesn’t do, or submission moves, which he doesn’t have.


Poor AJ.


The fact that these two men are having an I Quit match here, when their feud more or less ended a few months ago is just baffling. In fact, it wasn’t just THEIR feud that ended, but where the fuck is the Frontline these days? Rhino disappeared, Team 3D is doing other things, Joe went off on his own little world, Daniels is busy, and so is Jarrett. So am I to understand that the feud is currently AJ Styles vs. The Main Event Mafia? Or is that just because they haven’t figured out anything else for him to do yet either?



Notice how my reviews of these matches have just become me yelling at the wind? That’s because my outrage is more interesting than the matches. Styles and Booker are much like Christian and Booker from back in the day; their matches are perfectly fine, but they just don’t feel right. Maybe it’s a lack of chemistry, maybe it’s a lack of any relevant backstory, or maybe it’s just that that the match isn’t that good. I’m not sure. There isn’t anything I can point to and say, “That was bad,” but the fact is, the parts of this match just didn’t add up to greatness.



67 out of 100.




Vice: The match was decent. Styles and Booker don’t have a heck of a lot of chemistry, but they find a way to manage. But the real story of this match is the finish.


So, Nash’s girlfriend runs down to the ring and throws the towel in for Booker. Naturally, the ref rings the bell and AJ wins. Why? How? It seriously doesn’t make sense to me, and amazingly enough, this is not the first time TNA has done this. AJ Styles once threw the towel in for Christopher Daniels when Samoa Joe was killing him with nasty elbows. And then Christopher Daniels once threw the towel in for Styles in a match with Shannon Moore. So, in theory, anyone could come down from the back at any time and throw the towel in for any person. Ok, seriously-- name 3 things wrong with that. It’ll be a fun exercise in smashing TNA.


What a dumb fucking finish. Even if AJ and Booker were having a five star match up until literally 3 seconds before Nash’s woman ran out for the finish, it would have made it a dumb match. And since it was only decent up to that point…..





AJ Styles over Booker T Following Jenna Morasca Throwing In The Towel.





Cewsh Note: No, Jenna Morasca was not part of this match, and it was not explained why she had the ability to make that decision.







Segment 12 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – The Ultimate Sacrifice Matchup - Mick (Your Immobile World Champion) Foley © vs. Jeff (The Only Real Face In This Match. Yes, Seriously.) Jarrett vs. (Bee) Sting vs. Kurt (And Ernie) Angle.



Cewsh: Okay, the idea here is that each guy in this match had to risk sacrificing something in order to gain entry into the match. Whoever is pinned or submits is the guy who has to sacrifice the thing he put up as collateral. Foley is risking his title, naturally, Sting has to retire if he loses, Kurt Angle will lose his spot as the leader of the Main Event Mafia to whoever pins him, and Jeff Jarrett will lose his shares in TNA, (and therefore his authority figure status.) This is an interesting, if overly convoluted, concept, because it flips the match on its head. Instead of focusing on who might win the title here, it’s much more intriguing to see who will lose the match and will have to face the punishment. Now, ordinarily, I might complain that this takes attention away from the title, but frankly I’m just grateful to have a TNA main event that I’m interested to see the result of.


The match itself is quite remarkable as well. First, we have Angle and Sting working together against the other two, which mainly involves Jeff Jarrett bouncing around like a pinball, which is actually very entertaining. A lot of people are quick to speak badly about Jarrett’s face run, and his wrestling, but the fact is that he plays a tremendously effective gutsy babyface. Mick Foley, for his part, spends the first half of this match actually doing guest commentary, which is kind of amusing when you remember that the Rock first did this while beating up…Mick Foley! This keeps Foley out of the match, and lets the other 3 more spry wrestlers have themselves a fun little contest. When Angle leaps over the announce table at Foley and drags him back in, that’s when things get interesting. Double submissions, chair shots, guitar shots, finishers coming from every direction at once, and its all carried off, well, WELL! I really don’t know what to think about this match actually being this good. They set up a compelling backdrop to the match, and then they delivered a compelling match. I’m honestly kind of at a loss. The last time TNA put on a main event this good was last year’s Bound For Glory, and it feels like longer.


After all the shit I gave TNA before this, this match definitely made me want to take those words back.


And then the ending happened.


Jeff Jarrett hits Kurt Angle with the Stroke on a chair, and then Sting leaps across the ring, covers Angle and gets the pin. “Wow!” I thought, “They really swerved me here! Sting wins the title back from Foley AND is the new leader of the Main Event Mafia? This could go a lot of interesting places! Wait, why isn’t the ref giving Sting the belt? Wait, this match was only for the title if they pinned Mick Foley? Then why the hell was anyone wrestling anyone else other than Foley? And why was Foley wrestling anyone else other than Jarrett? Sting and Angle only wanted the title, and Jarrett just wanted to beat Foley, soooo why did they let him sit at the announcer’s booth for ten minutes while they did nothing to achieve their often stated, desperately held goal?”


Yes, I do think in entire paragraphs. I’m just that smart.


Anyway, I was entirely baffled by this turn of events. Evidently, I had completely misunderstood the meaning of this match. I truly don’t know what in the fuck all I’m supposed to think about the way this match ended. Confusion and a little bit of anger seem to be my main feelings. Funny, could’ve sworn I’d felt this way before.


The match score should really just be for what happens between the ropes, and not whatever else went on, so I’m grading it for that.



78 out of 100.



Vice: Main event time. The concept of this match is pretty great. Each man is putting something big on the line, except, well, Kurt Angle. If Foley loses, he loses the title. If Sting loses, he retires. If Jarrett loses, he loses control of TNA. If Kurt Angle loses, he can no longer be the leader of the Main Event Mafia. What person isn’t really losing much if they lose? Kurt Angle. So, guess who I have pegged to lose?














Jeff Jarrett. DUH!


Naturally, with four people, there’s going to be two 1v1 battles going on, so TNA decides to split-screen us. I don’t think it could possibly be more disorienting. Each window is curved as if looking through Batman’s eyes, and the background is like flying through a tunnel. It’s just dizzying.


Mick Foley hopping on commentary during the match was funny, but it also demonstrated a massive, massive problem in this match (aside from him being in it and not being in any shape to wrestle often, much less be champion…), and that problem is… YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PARTICIAPTE! Mick can hang out in the booth all night long or just wander off. As long as he isn’t pinned, he doesn’t lose anything.


Sting seriously has the worst Sharpshooter ever. He just stands up. How does that hurt?


Foley needs to ditch the fucking sock(s).


Angle is fucking awesome and I won’t let anyone convince me otherwise.


There was a fun spot with a double ankle lock from Angle, but Jeff did what I hate most—he waited around for it to happen. He was in the ankle lock in pain. Angle lets go for a few seconds to hook Sting in it as well, and Jeff literally just laid there doing nothing. He was not in pain. His leg was barely being held, so if he even so much as twitched his leg he could have broken free. But no, he just chills. But then when Angle locks the ankle lock in on both guys, Jeff is in the most pain of his life yet again. Also, a double ankle lock just wouldn’t work. Looks cool and it’s fun, but neither man’s ankle is even bent.


It was a good match though. Very fun and enjoyable. However, regarding the finish…


So, Sting wins and is the leader of the Main Event Mafia now. Huh? See, this is where the rules and these “epic” TNA main events lose me. It’s so confusing that even Jeremy Borash had no clue what the hell was going on during the match introduction. Sting becoming leader of the Main Event Mafia makes a bit of sense and keeps their feud going. So, that’s what was going to happen. Now, what if Jarrett had pinned Angle? Jarrett would be the leader of the Main Event Mafia? What if Sting had pinned Jarrett? Would he own TNA?


This is one of my biggest pet peeves with wrestling. Some matches are booked so that there are like 30 possible outcomes, but 29 of them are completely fucking retarded and make absolutely zero sense, and conveniently the only one that does make some bit of sense is the outcome.


So in a match where the title could have changed hands, a legend could be retired, or someone could gain control of TNA as a whole.. Sting wins the right to become leader of a faction that he doesn’t even seem to want to be a part of to continue feuding with Kurt Angle. Not only is that incredibly underwhelming, confusing, and awful, but the entire match and the entire month leading up to the match is pretty much pointless when you think about it. Brilliant.














Sting over Everyone Else Following A Sneaky Pin.







---------------------------------------------------------------------







Cewsh’s Conclusion:



Cewsh: Well this show was infuriating, there’s no other way to say it. Lots of things I seriously disliked about TNA before this show seemed to bubble to the surface here, and as a result this review reads like one enormous rant. The funny thing is that there really are some decent matches here, and I didn’t mind watching the matches themselves for the most part, but every single match had at least one moment, before or after it, that just drove me into a berserker-like frenzy.


Think I could bill TNA for axe holes in my drywall?




Cewsh’s Final Score: 64.25 out of 100.







Vice’s Analysis:



Vice: Overall, it was a pretty lousy show. The opening match was kind of fun despite a sucky finish. The main event was fun despite a sucky (and idiotic) finish. And pretty much every other match on the show sucked and, you guessed it, had sucky finishes.


But hey, don’t forget to catch the replay for $30.




KILL THE ZOLOM, LIBERATE THE MELISSA!




Vice's Final Score: 22 out of 100.





Alright, that'll do it for us tonight, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed this magical, romantic journey through the boundless and starlit trails of our imaginations. And if you didn't, then we hope that you enjoyed us ripping into TNA in a way that can only be referred to as satisfying. Next week, we'll be back on the scent of good wrestling (not that we ever seem to find it), when we deliver the mother of all ridiculous, over the top shows to you, our adoring public. That's right, boys and girls, we have dug down deep into our bag of tricks and will be bringing you the IWA:MS King of the Deathmatch Tournament 2009! Oh yes. You better believe it. You won't want to miss it. In the meantime, keep reading and be good to one another.

May 17, 2009

WWE Judgment Day 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents...

WWE JUDGMENT DAY 2009





Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another edition of the soon to be blog of the year, Cewsh Reviews…For your reading enjoyment tonight we have a review of none other than WWE’s Judgment Day PPV, and while some people may very well tell you that WWE runs into a slump in the summer time and that the shows are less interesting, Cewsh Reviews would like to remind you that the worse the shows get, the better our reviews seem to be. So root hard now for that one day dream match of The Great Khali vs. Rhino. Root hard, and maybe one days all our snarky dreams will come true. At any rate, there’s cause for excitement in the air with this show, with the whole WWE world going topsy turvy and everything being turned on its head as a result of the draft, and fallout from Wrestlemania wrapping up, so this show has intrigue written in bold type all over it.


So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review.







Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!



Cewsh: Jesus Christ, somebody got ahold of some new Photoshop filters, and this whole thing is just epic to a ridiculous extent.


Don’t get me wrong, epic is very, very good. But this PPV just doesn’t seem important enough to warrant this much…well…epicness, I guess. Can’t fault the video crew, though. It never matters what’s going on, those glorious fellows make it feel like Wrestlemania.







Segment 2 – CM (Couch Marlin) Punk vs. Umaga (zine).



Cewsh: So they’re in Chicago tonight, and Punk has lately been working the gimmick of threatening to cash in Money in the Bank on Edge every time Edge is laid out. Methinks I smell something fishy in the air tonight. And I have, more or less, been waiting for this moment for all my life. HOLD OOOOOOON! Bumbum bumbum bumbum bumbum bum bum.


Ahem.


So the person stopping the Punker from cashing in all those times is the Dr. McMaga here, who inexplicably keeps attacking Punk before he can manage it. Is Edge paying him off? Does Umaga just like attention? Is any of that on Umaga’s back an advertisement for Planters Nuts? None of it has, as of yet, been explained, though the announcers make a point of saying that they didn’t know either, so we’re probably not supposed to know right now either.


Anyway, Punk is OVER in Chicago. Like, the Rock wouldn’t have gotten a bigger ovation or louder chants than Punk was here, and they’ve really done a great job with Punk in making him sort of the official superstar of Chicago, giving them an instant big time match or hot main event whenever they go there, and Chicago is a big goddamn market, so its even smarter. Punk, in his own right, has earned every bit of his push so far, and always seems to have that extra bit of juice when he’s in front of a Chicago crowd so I expect good things here from him. Umaga, on the other hand, had that great run a few years back, and has essentially just been entirely lost out of the shuffle since then. He’s very talented at playing his role, but at this point it really does seem almost random to have him be pushed this strongly out of nowhere. Is he a credible threat or not, WWE? You can’t pick and choose with this sort of thing.


As for the match? Well, it was really good, actually. Don’t get me wrong, these guys are both world class performers, but this isn’t exactly the kind of match I expected to be top notch, and I didn’t expect either of these guys to have any chemistry whatsoever. And obviously, I was wrong. This was a fun, hard hitting match, where both guys were on top of their games and, this can not be stated enough, the crowd was absolutely white hot for Punk. When you watch classic wrestling, its common for fans to chant for their hero all the way through a match, and make tons of noise for every shift in momentum, and every offensive move. Nowadays you don’t tend to see that so much anymore, but tonight that’s exactly what CM Punk illicited from this Chicago crowd, and it was truly a joy to watch.


Great match, great crowd, great fun.


Great opener.


The finish is probably going to anger some people, with Punk losing clean in his hometown while they’re building him as a championship contender, but I look at it like this. Punk can beat Edge, Umaga can beat Punk. But Punk had the title shot, and Umaga didn't. But by beating Punk, Umaga now deserves a title shot, and there's the intrigue of whether or not champion Punk can silence his critics and prove that he's the best. Same with Kane last month. As long as Punk has Money In the Bank, he has momentum that is hard to suppress, so establishing some legitimate contenders for his eventual title run, as opposed to the same old guys, especially when you’ll want other main events surrounding him to protect him, as he may lack drawing ability right away, that’s just smart business. That’s my say on it. Also: Pie.




80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.






-->Vice: So, two things strike me at the start of this match.

1. Umaga still exists?

2. Holy god Punk is over. Yeah, it’s Chicago, but still. Fucking hell. Watching little Punker rise to fame in ROH and other indies, I really never thought I’d see him being successful in WWE. He’s a former World Heavyweight Champion and has won MITB twice, and is still holding his second briefcase. Hopefully he cashes it in and loses, as much as I love Punk, to add some spice to the MITB gimmick. It’s just not nearly as fun if eeeeveryone goes on to win the title.

So, Punk gets his ass handed to him in front of his home town. I expected him to win, but it’s nice to see Umaga [potentially] climbing back up the ladder with a big win. The match was pretty slow at the start, but the crowd did a great job of keeping it alive until the match really heated up at the end and finished hot and awesome.

Here’s the real question—did Punk give it 100%? With that briefcase in hand, on PPV, in Chicago, could he have something huge up his sleeve, and he just wanted to get things over with Umaga, for better or for worse, as quickly as possible so he wouldn’t be too damaged for, say, later tonight?

Good opening match.




Umaga over CM Punk Following a Samoan Spike.







Segment 3 – What’s More Wooden? The Acting or the Table?



Vice: Hi Vickie. Oh, hi Big Show, how are you? I am fine. Hi Chavo. Hello Big Show. Hi Vickie. Hi everybody. Oh. Hi Edge. Grr I want the title. No. You will die.



Cewsh Note: Not actual transcript. Actually better than real dialogue.







Segment 4 – ECW Championship – Christian (What TNA, I Never Worked For Any TNA) © vs. Jack (Sparrow) Swagger.



-->Vice: Jack Swagger appears to have lost some of his Swagger now that he doesn’t possess the GIANTEST (which is an actual word? Huh…) MOTHERFUCKING TITLE EVER. Seriously, it’s almost the size of Christian himself. So, I have high hopes going into this match, because their work together has generally been really good. Christian is on fire, doing some of the best work of his career that doesn’t involve tables, ladders, chairs, and Samoa Joes. I mean, he’s always been solid as hell, but I’d say that only in the past 3-4 years has he REALLY gotten it to the point where he can make a match great by himself, rather than being a fantastic ball of clay that someone else can work with. Swagger is still pretty cool. I love his body type, his attire, and his, well, swagger. He just moves so awkwardly, like a four foot guy was put in a massive body and hasn’t gotten the hang of his new size yet. That’s great.

There’s some good work here with Christian continuously taking advantage of Swagger’s inexperience and, what one could assume, smaller brain. But, no matter how fast and smart you are, you’re going to get caught eventually, and when Swagger is the guy catching you, you’re in trouble. So, Swagger goes to pin Christian and grabs a handful of tights. For no reason, the light bulb in the ref’s head goes off and he checks to see if Swagger has tights in his hand. Why? Did he look up at the Titantron or something? See, I kind of like stuff that’s out of the ordinary like that, but not when WWE does it so conveniently that it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Oh yeah, and Swagger lets go of the tights just before the ref has a clear look, so he doesn’t end up getting caught. BUT HE WAS STILL PINNING CHRISTIAN. Instead of counting to three, the ref stops at two, finds nothing and that’s that. He cost Swagger the match. But right, he actually didn’t because it was a scripted event that would foreshadow the actual end of the match, so all is right in the world.


I really hate shit like that, by the way. Like at Wrestlemania I think it was, when JBL beating the shit out of Rey Mysterio before the bell rang didn’t start the match for THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY just because that’s what WWE wanted to do with the match. Ugh. The finish is neat with Christian getting a handful of Swagger’s tights after pulling his singlet down moments earlier. But you’ve got to wonder—why didn’t the ref check to see if Christian had some tights? He’s a wily veteran, you know.

Fire that ref.


Cewsh
: Man, this is exactly what I like to see. Two stars going at it for the first time over the title, giving me a unique match full of moves and exchanges I’ve never seen before, and really injected a breath of fresh air into a PPV card.


Oh wait, no, this is Christian/Swagger IV. And I can see these two wrestling when I close my eyes. But let’s ignore that, and try to enjoy this match, as I have managed to enjoy their previous, very high quality, encounters.


Unfortunately, well, it was a Christian vs. Jack Swagger match. It was good, smooth, and fun to watch, but…well…alright look. I didn’t want to see this match, so I didn’t enjoy it. Simple as that. I like to think of myself as open minded, but the fact is that this match was just too similar to their prior encounters, and it made the match harder for me to enjoy, it really did. Simple as that. The match was fine, and if it was your introduction to the match, it might even be great. But it wasn’t my introduction, and this feud seriously needs a rest.


The end, though, was probably my favorite of all the finishes to their matches. After being thwarted by the younger, strong, and more talented Swagger the first time out, Christian has adapted and now uses wily, and admittedly cheating, tactics to hold on to the title. Swagger, being from the straightforward collegiate wrestling world, doesn’t know what to make of it, and Matt Striker does a fantastic, fantastic job of telling us so, and giving us a chance to understand the complexities of the match. Great finish to an otherwise uninspiring match.



72 out of 100.




Christian over Jack Swagger Following A Roll Up With A Handful Of Tights.







Segment 5 – Edge Is Harsh, Bro.



Cewsh: Chavo wants to know what’s up between Edge and Vickie, and accuses Edge of not even sharing a house with her anymore. Edge turns it around on Chavo by calling him “not even a man” for letting Santina get away with calling Vickie a pig. He’s kind of got you there, Chavo. Man the hell up.







Segment 6 – Shelton (I Have A White Sidekick Named Charlie) Benjamin vs. John (Wait, So I’m A Pretty Boy, Douchebag…Face?) Morrison.



Cewsh: Gah! There’s so much that pisses me off about this match.


First you have Benjamin, who has really been flourishing in his role as an upper midcard heel, who works strong matches, and he has really been getting better with his promos. Charlie Haas is a guy who has never grasped the WWE style enough to make it on his own, and showed his greatest potential as a guy who impersonated other wrestlers. He’s the new Val Venis at best. They once teamed together when they were nobodies 4 years ago. What to do with them? Why, pair them together of course! Dragging Benjamin down and not doing anything to lift Haas up. Benajmin has now been saddled with his less talented former partner yet again, just when he was showing flashes of becoming the complete package that WWE has desperately wanted him to be for so long. Great. Just great. They’ll be a great addition to the Smackdown tag teams of Cryme Tyme and…


Sigh.


And then there’s John Morrison. I get why they’re going with his face turn. His big, awesome moves get him face pops, he’s pretty for the ladies, and frankly he’s just too cool to get booed. His gimmick was never going to go further than it had as the character he was portraying. His new Corckscrew Split Legged Moonsault finisher is a surefire crowd pleaser, and he seems to be getting over well enough. But they pulled this on us so abruptly it was ridiculous, with absolutely no explanation as to why we should be cheering him now, when we were booing him 2 months ago. And it seems like nobody gave him the memo either, as he’s slowly showing comprehension as to how to wrestle like a face, but he still shows very little fire, works the crowd non at all, and he’s STILL THE SAME DOUCHEBAG HE WAS BEFORE.


Ah well. It could be worse, I guess.


As for the match, it was nothing you wouldn’t expect. They have an enjoyable 12 minute PPV match that was very back and forth, and featured a Springboard 450 to the outside by Morrison that was just amazing. Past that, I can’t really recommend it. It was a Smackdown match, not a PPV one.



70 out of 100.



Vice: If I watched more WWE, I might not mind Morrison as a face. Or if I just accepted whatever WWE tossed my way. But, I do mind him as a face. He should be a heel. He should always be a heel. After investing so much time and effort into getting him over as a massive heel, they make him a face. Now he can’t just happily go back to that character if he needs to be a heel again. And why does he need to be a face to begin with? He’s a natural dickhead you want to punch in the face because he’s cooler than you and far, far, far more attractive than you will ever be. He can also cut his “deadpan” promos as a heel and have them be effective for the most part. His promo skills as a face? Ahahahha. Right. Has anyone tested him for steroids? His body is freakishly unnatural.

Anyway, I totally wasn’t feeling this match. At all. It was solid and certainly “there”, but that’s it.





John Morrison over Shelton Benjamin Following The Starship Pain (Corkscrew Split Legged Moonsault).







Segment 7 – The Miz Is My Favorite Wrestler.



Cewsh: The Miz proceeds to deliver one of the greatest cheap heat promos I have ever heard. It is absolutely perfect in its douchish brilliance. Then Santino comes out and is completely outshown in midcard heelishness by the Miz. Except that Santino is kind of a face or something? I really don’t get it at all. Then Santino basically turns face and starts ripping on the Miz and beating him up to huge cheers. Fucking Christ. Then Miz lays out Santino, and Chavo comes out (CONTINUITY and frog splashes Santino. Which must be really hard to do in a suit.


Anyway, yeah, this is called a filler segment kiddies. You can make one yourself. Just take a big chunk of time you need filled, and have your friends tell unfunny jokes in it. Now you too, can be an awkward midcarder asked to take up more PPV time for no reason than they’ve been given all year up to now.



Vice: Onobakalope! Ookatrouplelamatrampoline! GAKALOPETROKALA! KAKALAKADOOMATRONX3000! Hacalanawatropa. Guh.



Cewsh Note: At this point, Vice had to be restrained after he was found scrawling bloody words on his walls in some strange language. As best as we can figure, it included the words “hate”, “fucking”, and “filler segments”. Following an extended rest and some bandages, and some Dr. Stevie (and Daffney) couch time, he’s made a full recovery for our next segment. Please forward your flowers and well wishes to our secretary. The monkey using a banana as a phone in the Cewsh Reviews Headquarters Lobby.







Segment 8 – Josh Matthews Is Pulling Double Duty. Heh. Duty.



Cewsh: Jericho is mad. Mumbles something about conspiracies and insults the fans. Yep, pretty much par for the course for his character. Moving on.







Segment 9 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Rey (LOOK AT MY ENORMOUS FACE ON MY SHIRT!) Mysterio © vs. Chris (Needs Some Dr. Stevie Time) Jericho.



Cewsh: The last time we saw this match, it was ten years and about 30 surgeries and 1,000 matches ago for these guys, so I hardly expect this to be the high flying awesomefest that that match was. Still, these guys are both veterans who have a lot of great matches under their belts recently, so there’s no reason to assume that this won’t be a fine match.


And that is exactly what it was. This was a really well worked match between two top notch performers, who are both universally respected and well liked, but have somehow managed to not have many matches together. So this match had a lot of nice references to the original match, and was a really fast paced match, especially for Jericho, who has been making a point of slowing people down lately. It was a good, fun match in the middle of the card, and it had the right result, with a potential loophole for further character development for Jericho Good times.



78 out of 100.




-->



-->Vice: Rey’s shirt is so frightening, especially when it’s in the smock style of Shawn Michaels. Who thought that would be a good idea? Seriously, it’s the worst way to wear a shirt. So, so, so awful. Buuuut, I suppose he needs to wear it because it’s for sale on WWEShop.com, available now for the low price of somewhere in the vicinity of $25 plus shipping. If you didn’t catch that,



http://www.wweshop.com/Product_detail.asp?cat=cat-reymysterio&productId=01-10393



The story of the match is Jericho saying Mysterio won’t hit the 619 tonight. So, naturally, Mysterio’s going to keep going for it and Jericho is going to keep countering it. So, yay, we get to see an amazingly contrived (and stupid) setup for a move numerous times! It’s amazing how often people end up in position to take the 619 when facing Mysterio. I did like seeing the numerous counters though, and the crowd was absolutely amazing during the match, even if they were cheering for the wrong guy. Whoops.

The match was good, and Rey is great at being the plucky underdog, but I really don’t like him and the majority of his offense. And apparently I’m not alone, seeing how Chicago shits on him all the time. Also, Jericho’s foot was under the rope during the pinfall. That’s twice now that the refs have cost a heel the match due to stupidity. Jericho was on fire tonight. I’m usually not very high on his ring work, but it’s not uncommon for him to prove me wrong these days. Still, both guys clicked amazingly well and haven’t lost a step from their matches in the past, and adding story compared to their spottier matches in WCW. It really shows how both have evolved so much.

Match of the night so far.




Rey Mysterio over Chris Jericho Following A 619.







Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Randy (Hotcakes) Orton © vs. Ba(p)tista.



-->Vice: A good start to the match. The hype video made Batista seem legitimately angry, and the match starts off with them ready to lock horns. Orton wants none of it, so he slides out of the ring. I like the way his character moves and reacts, but he’s also really stupid to a degree. Some guy wants to kill you, so the best bet is to slide out of the ring and stand there with your back to a massive pissed off guy for 5 seconds and hope to god the ref can convince the bloodthirsty animal not to commit murder. Fortunately, the ref was able to convince a bloodthirsty animal not to commit murder. Kudos to him. Perhaps he could get a job at a suicide hotline when he can’t ref anymore?

Right after that, the match becomes extremely slow and plodding, and I’m having trouble paying attention to it. Orton is an ice cold heel and great at taking beatings. Batista is a red hot face and great at delivering beatings. Should be perfect, right? Well.. not really. Batista gets his ass kicked for a long time by Orton who moves around the ring slightly faster than a sloth.

Good character work from Orton trying to get himself counted out by clinging to the ring post for dear life. Then he goes and tries to get himself disqualified. You can tell he doesn’t want to be here. So, here’s the all important question..

WHY DOESN’T HE JUST NUTSHOT BATISTA?

Bam. Quick disqualification, plus it not only hurts the opponent, but also pisses them off and potentially prevents reproducing. Doesn’t Orton have a kid now? He should make sure that Batista doesn’t have a kid. You know, so mini-Randy need not face mini-bigDave upwards of 20 years into the future. Anyway, since Orton was not striking Batista in the genitals, I was questioning why he did not just slap the ref. That’s also a quick DQ. And, hey, he does. Groovy. What a bitch. It works, though, I guess.

Alright, so, Flair shows up. I really wish Flair would have stayed gone after Michaels retired him back at Wrestlemania 24. Yeah, he’s not wrestling, but he still shows up, still cuts promos, still beats up other wrestlers.. he just doesn’t wrestle. I’m probably going to get shat on for this, but it really does make his last match and the goodbye tribute on RAW a lot less meaningful if he just shows up whenever a storyline wants him to show up. LOL IT’S JUST WRASSLIN’ THO, WHY SO SERIOUS? Yeah. I totally understand why he came out, but I don’t think it was necessary at all.

Overall I didn’t really feel the match. It had some good character work towards the end, but I was mostly bored throughout and the two of them just didn’t seem to click. When was Orton’s last great match that was because of him?



Cewsh
: God, its really gotten to the point where every time I hear Randy Orton’s music hits, I sit forward in anticipation, because I know that good shit is going to happen, and I don’t want to miss it. There are not a lot of people in professional wrestling today that can make me do that, and Orton, right now, might very well be the best at it. With him, here, facing Batista, I’m not really sure what to think though. I like Batista, and enjoy his matches sometimes, but they don’t have great chemistry, and its as clear as Crystal Pepsi that Batista is not winning the title in this match, because him doing so would absolutely kill all of Orton’s carefully constructed momentum.


So with the result already set practically in stone, and this match having been offered to us a few months ago (granted, under very different circumstances) this is another match I’m having trouble summoning a lot of interest in. I know I’m usually a gung ho iron man about even the crappiest reviews, but the fact is that even IWA:EC matches are new and unique in their own terrible way. This match is just sort of there. The bridge between Orton/Triple H, and more Orton/Triple H. And its fine for what it is, but yeah. Just isn’t drawing me in at the moment.


Anyway, the match goes forward, and Orton does his wonderful heel shtick of slowing the match to a crawl and making the fans loathe him, despite their wild cheers for him earlier. -->Batista sells, well, he really doesn’t sell at all, making the whole exercise kind of silly. Then the match continues on, and on, and on, and on. Orton does his best to fix things up and make the match good, but we’re talking about a 20 minute match that should have gotten 15 at most, and ideally around 10. I enjoyed the match, but yeah. Had I been hyped for it, it very likely would have made a better impression on me. As it was, it really didn’t.



74 out of 100.


-->

Randy Orton over Batista Following Orton Getting Disqualified.




Cewsh: Post match Rhodes and Dibiase hit the ring and attack Batista, doing a number on him before…OUT COMES RIC FLAIR. He then beats the shit out of the young pups and embraces Batista to odd looks from the crowd. Wondering why the odd looks? How about the fact that Ric Flair cannot actually wrestle a match for this feud, so having him dominate actual potential money drawers in it seems a little counter productive. Could just be me, ah well. Welcome back, Ric.








-->Segment 11 - John (and Daffney Sitting In a Tree, Vice Would Be M-U-R-D-E-R-I-N-G) Cena vs. The Big (Meany Face) Show.



Cewsh: Alright, so the basis of this match is the idea that Cena is still hurt, both from the chokeslam through the searchlight at Backlash, and from the beating the Show gave him on Raw. As a result of these injuries, Big Show intends to officially end Cena’s career once and for all, and Cena is playing the plucky babyface fighting against every odd in the book. Cena is selling it for all he’s worth too, walking to the ring and limping around like a Dialysis patient looking for his apple juice.

As the match begins, the Big Show is pounding on John Cena. And then he pounds on John Cena. And then, just to prove a point, he goes right on pounding on John Cena. Nearly 15 uninterrupted minutes of the Big Show kicking the ever loving shit out of John Cena, in the universal slow methodical way of all heels who claim they want to end a guy’s career. John Cena spends those fifteen minutes selling his beating like his life depends on it, putting Batista’s sorry show from the last match to absolute shame. This whole first bit is actually kind of hard to watch. It’s a little boring, and kind of depressing. But then after Cena’s comeback starts the match picks up speed considerably, and actually gets really, really good. Cena plays the whole thing picture perfect, and Show spends his time being as dastardly as possible.

There’s honestly not a ton else left to say. I think everyone saw the ending coming from a mile away, but that’s the way things go in matches like this, and the story they built around the injured ribs of Cena really added excitement to what would otherwise have been a fairly blah finish to an ultimately forgettable match. I enjoyed it, I really did. But it was just shy of being worth me recommending it to you.


78 out of 100.


-->Vice: Big Show: *PUNCH


Cena: :(


Big Show: *PUNCH*

Cena: :(

Cena: AHA! Comeba--
Big Show: Grrr… *SHOVE*


Cena: :(


Yeah, Big Show is big and he is apparently a show as well. Holy fuck though. This was torture to watch. Cena was doing the best he could, which is pretty good, to sell the shit out of Big Show’s offense, but fucking hell. It was so incredibly slow. Cena being too small to lock the STFU on Show was a nice touch the first time, but apparently he’s fucking retarded because he goes for it another two times. Hey dipshit—if you’re too small to lock it in the first time, then why do you keep going for it? Maybe you weren’t sure the first time so you tried again. Second time you’ve confirmed that you are just too small. SO HEY, GO FOR IT AGAIN WHY DON’T YOU. THAT JUST MAKES SENSE. Fucking retard.

The finish was balls just like almost every other Cena match in the history of his career, although I am somewhat happy that it was the FU. I was fucking TERRIFIED that he was going to lock the STFU on and get the tapout in a horribly shit way. With so many attempts at it, I thought it was going to happen eventually. Buuuut he was able to lift Big Show to end a horrendously boring match. Show can be great when in the right environment and the right match. This.. this was not that. This was way too slow and lacking the heat and intensity it needed. I’m glad it’s over. Worst match so far. Before you say “lol its cuz u h8 cena”, no, I thought Cena was actually rather effective here. It just sucked.




John Cena over The Big Show Following An Attitude Adjustment.







Segment 12 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – (Biggs and W)Edge © vs. Jeff (The Missing Member of KISS) Hardy.



-->Vice: Edge comes out first. Orton came out first. Rey came out first. What’s with all the champions coming out first? According to WWE, they can come out in whatever order they want (which is fucking awesome in matches like Brock/Undertaker, where Brock came out first to scope out the cell before going to war), but are you really telling me that all three happily decided to come out first? Wacky, but whatever.

I’ve come to realize that I’m always incredibly burned out by main event time, or around that time. Sometimes 3 hours is just too much wrestling. I really like how UFC is set up. The main event(s) always hit when I’m at my hottest, and then since they’re way ahead of schedule with time to fill, they have a fantastic cool-down period with some of the preliminary fights. Obviously WWE will never be like that because they’re not totally idiotic, and that’s for the better. Anyway, that’s just an observation from me which explains why I don’t have a ton of shit to say about the main event. It was a good match, but I just kind of wanted the show to be over.

I got a kick out of the commentary, with Grisham mentioning Hardy/poker and him “going all in” like 30 times. Then when Edge hits the spear off the announcer table, Grisham says it’s a 7 foot high spear. Yeah, maybe Hardy’s torso was 7 feet in the air at the time, but it just sounded ridiculous. And JR saying the Edgecution was the nastiest superplex he’s ever seen, then going on to call it a superplex like two or three more times. Come on, JR!

Kind of disappointed that Punk didn’t come out at the end. Even a tease would have been nice. Still, the show ended in a cool way with Edge absolutely obliterating Hardy for the win. Poor guy just can’t have a good day.



Cewsh
: These are two guys who could wrestle every night from now until the end of time, and I would be content.

Hmm, I seem to say that about Edge a lot, don’t I?


At any rate, these guys have chemistry through the ceiling and out under the door, and, even if the rivalry will never be as special as the Cena/Edge rivalry has been, this is still a big time rivalry that has a ton of backstory and history. See, this is how you give repeat matches. These guys haven’t wrestled each other for awhile, so now here they are. The history and the possibility of a new match sells itself, rather than shoving constant matches down my throat until I lose interest in the concept.

This match is not a step down from anything they’ve done before. They get a huge chunk of time (a full half hour!) and they use it to their utmost abilities. Edge is the meta heel from which they should clone future heels. I can only smile when I think of 10 years from now, when a bunch of kids are getting into the business and coming up through the ranks because they wanted to be like Edge, and we’ll have a generation of chickenshit thinking man’s heels. I could definitely get into that. Hardy is no slacker either, and his offense especially has just come so far over the past year, and it has added so much to his matches that its insane. Back in the day he really only had one move, and his matches universally lacked meaningful transitions as a result. Not so any longer.

This match ruled. It wasn’t some epic piece of epic epicness. It was just a great, long main event, where we got our money’s worth (well, my money’s worth would be Hornswaggle vs. Super Porky since I didn’t pay, but shhhh) and they went above and beyond the call of the match to tell a fantastic story, and do it goddamn well. I don’t know, but right now, I can’t think of anyone who is a better main event performer than Edge, with god knows how many solid to incredible main event matches in a row under his belt, he might just be the king of the main event. To me at least. And in the end, isn’t that what matters? Me?



84 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.







Edge over Jeff Hardy Following A Top Rope Edgecution (or a “Nasty Superplex” if you prefer JR’s version.)






-------------------------------------------------------------------------








-->Cewsh’s Conclusions:



Cewsh: This show was fine. Just…fine. It was a filler show between more important PPVs while they shuffle things about for the inevitable charge to Summerslam. As a result, this show turned out to be pretty forgettable. But forgettable isn’t the same as bad, and with two really good matches, and a host of solid ones, this show was exactly that, solid. Not a bad match in the bunch.



Cewsh's Final Score: 76.5 out of 100.







Vice’s Verdict:


Vice: Overall I thought the show was decent. Some was great, some was painful. Everything cancelled something else out for the most part. But hey, at least the Midgar Zolom didn’t sweep me away this week. PHEW.



Vice's Final Score: 55 out of 100.






-->Well that’ll do it for us here at the Cewsh Reviews…Headquarters for tonight boys and girls. Be sure to check in next Tuesday for our review of TNA’s Sacrifice PPV featuring a main event that would have been one of the biggest of all time…in the year 2001. Until then, we bid you good day and farewell, remind you to check out the blog (the posts go up earlier there, you know), and we remind you to keep reading, and be good to one another.