Welcome ladies and alleged gentlemen, to the very first Cewsh and Vice review of a WWE show! Now you may have already noticed that something is a bit off this time out of the gate, but you may not be able to put your finger on it. Allow me to help. You see Vice is off on vacation to Imagination Land and has left me alone to post this review all by my lonesome.
After I stopped crying alone in my closet I got down to thinking about possible replacements. After cycling through some potential options, I finally settled on my own fiancé Danielle. Why, you ask desperately, fervently clinging to your autographed Vice bumper stickers? Because she has a point of view that I don’t have, and might be interesting to many. Danielle, for lack of a better word, is a mark. The proverbial casual fan we all speculate about. I think she’ll offer an interesting point of view on things, and if you disagree, then feel free to write your own long ass review. And have no fear Vicesuvians. The man himself will be back in action for the next review.
As always, for those unacquainted with our reviews, we only know what we can find out on the television shows and work hard to avoid spoilers and fake news. We’re here to tell you what is worth watching, and we are definitely not here to tell you how to think, just what to do. Got it? Alright. And away we go…
Cewsh: The opening video is up to WWE’s standard and actually hypes me up for Jericho/Cena more than the build ups on the shows themselves actually managed. Jericho is tremendous, and Cena’s return has me hyped through the roof.
Ms. Cewsh: Ok, so let’s start out with a little disclosure. I don’t know a DDT from an Elbow Drop. I don’t watch every week. And I hate Survivor Series. Moving on, this video package is fine. I hate the music they’ve chosen for Cena and I hate that I’ve heard it like a dozen times this week. I don’t feel particularly excited since I’ve seen this video package in a dozen different forms.
Ms. Cewsh: Oh Jeff. Perhaps an OD on face paint and hair dye? I’m looking forward to his inevitable run-in tonight.
Cewsh: JR gets us off and running with some earnest comments about Jeff Hardy’s incident. Apparently ABC, CNN, and TMZ all reported on it, which is weird, because I could have sworn that the best source anyone could name all day was WWESUXIPOSTMELTZERSNEWSANDCALLITREPORTING.com.
Cewsh Note: As a necessary defense against the traditional Survivor Series concept matches, all of said matches will be covered by me in note taking format. Because way too much shit is flying around to cover it all.
- I can’t even conceive of the fact that:
a) The Great Khali is a face.
b) He is in this match.
c) He gets the first big pop of the night.
d) I have to write a goddamn list because of something the Great Khali is doing that is not entitled “Things More Wooden That Khali’s Acting.”
e) I haven’t written that wood list prior to this.
- JBL is old. He looks old, he acts old, and he just seems worn out. It’s a shame, because he has value to offer, but he’s just not going to last much longer.
- Miz and Morrisson are absolutely brilliant. I really wish they had something worth doing.
- I HATE when they use every announcer at once in these kinds of matches. Its such a clusterfuck and I always forget who is the announcer for what show these days. Completely confusing.
- Keep an eye out towards the beginning of the match where Mysterio, no lie, tries his best to give a loving blowjob to MVP. An early Christmas present? It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
- I honestly really dislike the whole Survivor Series match concept. So little time to highlight so many people results in people looking completely forgettable (see Kane in this match), and for what? Nothing is gained through these matches. It can be done well, but not here, and not like this. Here its just a gimmick for gimmick’s sake.
- Morrisson aping all of Michaels’ moves = :heart:.
80 out of 100
Cewsh's Seal Of Approval
Ms. Cewsh: I’m disappointed. I expected more from Team Wacky. Shawn Michaels has no cross tassels. No crazy vests. Not even a funny hat. Rey had an awesomely wacky mask, but he had to go and give it to some little kid in the crowd. JBL looks miserable with his life every time he gets out of his limo. It’s getting sad. All my notes on this match are about how much I love Morrison, how much I want to have hot, nasty sex with Morrison, and how much better at doing Shawn Michaels’ moves Morrison is. Oh and MVP will only be remembered for the fact that Rey gave him head 10 seconds into the match. First time I saw it, I thought the match was a bit forgettable. Upon further review, it was one of the highlights of the night. Take that how you will.
I need a fun rating system, right? Well my cat slept in my lap through the match.
3 sleeping kittens out of 5.
Ms. Cewsh: Triple H is supposed to talk about Jeff, because apparently the whole damn roster needs to talk about Jeff. Triple H is a rebel and talks about Koslov instead. Crowd boos. I agree with…oh my Eve’s boobies are impressive tonight. Anyway yes. I like Triple H. I like when Triple H talks. I’m not ashamed. And I like Eve now, too.
Cewsh: Triple H is wearing something other than denim or leather? Somebody’s wife has been raiding his wardrobe. Triple H is a fine face promo, but I honestly miss the days of his 20 minute rambling heel suff. Am I the only one? Oh, I am? Very much so? Ah. Well, moving on then.
- First of all combining heels and faces in the name of show competition pisses me right off, right off the bat. Its okay when it has some build and there’s some tension there, but here we have people who are actively feuding teaming up with each other for absolutely no goddamn reason whatsoever.
- The faces are shiny. The heels wear black. Michelle McCool is both shiny and black. TWEENER.
- The crowd could really care less about this match. It redeems my faith in them after the Khali chant.
- I think this match was longer than the men’s match.
- The botch counter blew itself up after 100.
15 out of 100
Ms. Cewsh: Oh look, a women’s match. How exciting. Apparently because I also have a vagina, I’m supposed to be all about this. Smackdown divas, how I hate you all. Except Maria. I would tear that up. But she should never be allowed in a wrestling ring again. Come to think of it, I hate most of the Raw divas too. Anyway, the match is unwatchable. I’ll save you the trouble of watching it, no one loses their top. Two of the blondes on the Smackdown side get into a cat-fight almost immediately. Mickie’s outfit is hilariously bad. Beth looks like she eats nails and babies for fun and it really disturbs me how much Cewsh wants to do her. Natalia puts Candice into the Sharpshooter and I don’t buy for a second that Candice doesn’t immediately start bawling and tap.
Match was so bad my cat ran away.
0 sleeping kittens out of 5.
Ms. Cewsh: The obligatory interview with Matt about Jeff. Matt claims Jeff was hit in the back of the head by a blunt object, right behind the right ear, in his hotel room. How this made him collapse on the stairs like wwe.com claims, isn’t explained. As a member of the medical community, I would like to assure everyone that when someone collapses on a flight of stairs we immediately jump to blunt force trauma in their hotel room.
We also never keep head trauma victims in hospitals. No sir, we’re always releasing those trauma victims after a max of 15 hours. No overnight stays for wrestlers! They have pay-per-views to “not” make it to. I bet when Jeff runs in he’ll totally have bandages wrapped around his head like an old-school soap. Maybe he’ll even develop amnesia or split personalities!
Cewsh: Hi kids! Let’s take acting classes with Matt Hardy!
Is the subject matter of this interview sad? If so, frown.
Are you angry? If not, you must be sad. Continue frowning.
Take long pauses between statements so that people can see your frown clearly.
Is the segment over yet? If not, stare sadly off screen until it fades to black.
Now you too can act like Matt Hardy!
Cewsh: Here’s the thing about Casket matches, Last Ride matches, Buried Alive matches and so many of the other signature matches that the Undertaker has had assigned to him over the years. They suck. There have been a few standout matches, here and there, and they hit on something special with the Hell in a Cell matches, but generally speaking, these matches are awful, and the gimmick makes the match impossible to be as good as it could be otherwise.
This match is the hardcore brawl that you’d expect it, and like it, to be. The action is very slow, but not necessarily boring. If you’re okay with the idea of seeing two big guys slug it out for awhile, then this is good times, but I’m telling you right now, that the excitement meter didn’t even register this match at any point. The match picks up some speed after Big Show exhibits his newly found phobia of caskets. Weird how everyone the undertaker has ever met shares that phobia. Huh.
Anyway, decent match I suppose, even if the ending was tremendously sketchy and anti climactic. I like both of these guys and hope they both move on to bigger and better things.
65 out of 100
Ms. Cewsh: I’ve never seen a casket match and Cewsh assures me I’m going to wish I hadn’t. I guess it must be because I didn’t start watching wrestling until ’04, but I just don’t get the Undertaker. I know everyone else loves him from childhood, but to me he just looks old and slow. Example: Big Show decides he’s going to put Taker through the ECW table and very kindly gets all of the glass and wires out of the way. Of course he takes so long that Taker hits him and knocks him into position. Taker slowly climbs onto another announce table, gingerly jumps two feet to where Show is, and there’s a big crash. The crowd, apparently seeing a different match than I, chants “Holy shit!”
Anyway, Big Show is scared of the casket, but only when it’s convenient to the plot. He won’t close it when Taker’s in it, but he will climb out of the ring and flip it over like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. Then Taker reveals he has fire magic in addition to his lightning and then some monks bring out a new casket. Guess there was a BOGO sale.
The end was really weird and confusing. They kept stressing that to win the match you had to physically close the casket. But Taker didn’t. He wasn’t anywhere near the casket and they gave it to him. Lame.
1 sleeping kitty out of 5.
Ms. Cewsh: There is a turkey. I don’t know why there’s a turkey. Everyone thinks the turkey’s name is Charlie. It isn’t. Then the turkey is the Boogieman. That’s all I got.
Cewsh: Carlito and Primo hit on the Bella twins. The Gobbledy Gooker shows up. They speculate that it is Charlie Haas. It is not Charlie Haas. It is, in fact, the Boogeyman. He is scary. Yikes. Now the segment is over. The end.
Cewsh: Team Orton are arguing. Hey maybe this is an angle!
Ms. Cewsh: Orton, wearing a shirt that I swear is a kitty wearing a gas mask, tries to lead his team. It’s not very effective and he and that little kid with the shovel face start yelling. Shelton Benjamin and Mark Henry step in and are the voices of reason. Something is very, very wrong here.
Ms. Cewsh: This match was one of the most forgettable I’ve ever seen. I’m not going to lie, I hate Batista so that probably has something to do with is. His body is a mess, I don’t believe him when he talks, and I don’t find him entertaining to watch. And the scary stretch mark/vein things in his arms are going to eat me. Punk gets more and more forgettable. I referred to Kingston as “that Jamaican I don’t remember seeing before” through all of my notes. Killings, (I can’t bring myself to type his WWE name,) is a bright spot, but he doesn’t get nearly enough time. Hardy cries himself to sleep wishing he was Jeff. I didn’t even bother taking notes on the heels, except for Orton. Orton is slumming it in this match and it comes off so hard. His finish is great, (I love his little “RKO dance”,) but the time it takes to get there is painful. The only reason to watch this match is to see Punk eliminate Regal and immediately get decked in the head by Layla’s shoe. That was pure gold. Other highlights include the fact that I got to see Kingston’s taint. I’ll carry that horror with me forever. And Killings looked good doing some completely unnecessary flips and cartwheels.
2 sleeping kitties out of 5.
- Mth? I could have sworn that I saw our resident Boogeyfan in the front row getting down in a serious way to R-Truth’s music.
- Rhodes needs a new look like I need a Resse’s Peanut Butter Cup. Catastrophically.
- Ahahahahaha. Way to make your Intercontinental champion look like a nobody. Totally worth it to see Layla spike Punk in the face with her shoe, though. Amazing.
- Matt Hardy did a moonsault? Somebody’s on Slim Fast!
- For something they’re calling a feud, does R-Truth ever get to beat Benjamin? Its not really a feud if one guy loses constantly and looks like a bitch.
- This match is unacceptably boring for the sum of its parts.
60 out of 100
Cewsh: Kozlov gets interview time. My theory that he’s actually a robot built by the Jerry Jarrett to blow up the McMahon family is gaining steam.
Ms. Cewsh: I. Must. Pause. Awkward. Ly. To. Establish. I. Am not. American.
Ms. Cewsh: In the match of the Gigantic Noses, Blandy McScowlsalot starts it off by being bland and scowling. Triple H comes out to his usual entrance. Did no one remember their pay-per-view costumes tonight? Don’t care. Still like Triple H. I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t watch the match. I don’t do straight wrestling. Cewsh was supposed to let me know if anything exciting happened. So let’s fast forward to Vicki coming out with a great big swerve.
The match is going to be a triple threat just like promised. It was awesome. Highlight of my night. Edge came out with a great big fucking beard like he’d spent the last couple of months in Russia training a’la Rocky IV to beat the Russian. Edge does his Spear Dance which is only slightly less cool than the RKO dance. Jeff runs in, like I totally called! He has pink hair, only a little band-aid, and he’s angry. He starts hitting people. Edge gets the pin and the title. Too sweet.
3 sleeping kitties out of 5, for the ending.
Cewsh: With all of the hullaballo surrounding Jeff Hardy, its worth mentioning that there is still a match here, and it is a better one than I expected. As to the controversial nature of the whole Hardy “incident” I’ll let you draw your own conclusion as to how that all worked out. I’m here to tell you what to watch, not what to think.
That said, I think it was fantastic.
Anyway, Triple H have themselves a solid, if unspectacular wrestling match. Apparent the crowd disagrees with me however, as the “boring” chants start almost immediately, followed closely by the chants of “We Want Hardy” and even, inexplicably, a definite “TNA” chant. Way to be ironic, crowd.
As should be pretty clear by now, this match was almost nonexistent it was so nothing, but then, as if a gift from the gods, the swerve of the year takes place.
Now I’m not going to spoil the actual events that take place. In theory there are still some people out there who are like me and actually like to be surprised by things. But here’s what you need to take away from this:
Holy. Fuck. Watch this fucking match. These are the moments that make WWE leagues ahead of anything else out there.
80 out of 100
Cewsh's Seal of Approval
Cewsh: Out comes John Cena to the first honest to god pop of the entire show, and finally, FINALLY, the crowd wakes up and decides to be interested in something on this show, making this match feel roughly 8,000 times more interesting than the rest of the card. Danielle and I both immediately notice Cena’s huge neck scar and speculate on what exactly kind of shit he was really up to. I’ll leave that speculation up to the medical biller, but either way, Cena is fucking Superman when it comes to injuries.
This match is pure spectacle. The crowd is wild for Cena, which helps to disguise his obvious ring rust. Jericho does his best to make Cena look great too, bumping around all over the place, and basically having a match all by himself. Hopefully down the line, people will look at matches like this and say that Jericho didn’t always get a fair shake match quality wise when he was on top. It’s a decent match, with some interesting elements, but it suffered from not being special enough for the situation. After all the hype for Cena’s return and this match is completely by the books, and even his entrance featured nothing special.
Cena’s back. He deserved more fanfare than this. But as a spectacle, this match doesn’t disappoint.
75 out of 100
Ms. Cewsh: Cewsh and I clearly watched different matches on this one. Jericho comes to the ring. He’s cool. I like him. Cena’s music hits and the crowd explodes. Oh so they HAVE been here all night. Cena doesn’t do anything special, he just walks down to the ring in a new shirt. I was expecting something bigger for his return. Remember when Punk was a gangster for him? That was cool. Anyway, Cena’s arms are gigantic and he has a big scar on his neck that they swear is from a slipped disk. It looks too far to the side to be a tracheotomy and it looks wrong to be something with the lymph nodes, so maybe they’re telling the truth. In which case, Cena has healing powers, because no one comes back that fast.
Anyway the match begins and I really wasn’t feeling it. I normally don’t mind the Cena is the underdog, but then he fights, but then he’s the underdog, but then he fights formula. This time, I found it unwatchable. In ten minutes, Cena gets beaten up on the outside. (Why do we even have those stairs? No one uses them except to batter people.) Ref gets to 9 and Cena rolls back in. Jericho puts on the Masterlock. Cena breaks it. Jericho puts it on again. Cena breaks it. Then Jericho puts him in what the announcers called the Walls of Jericho, but was not. Cena breaks it. Jericho actually does put on the Walls of Jericho. Cena breaks it. It’s not exciting or fun to watch. It’s boring. Then of course Cena hulks up and starts kicking Jericho’s ass. Cena gets the STFU, Jericho almost makes it to the ropes but Cena pulls him back. Jericho counters. Cena does the FU dance which =/= the RKO dance or even the Spear Dance. He doesn’t hit the FU, but Jericho does get the Code Breaker. Cena kicks out of the pin. I’m riveted.
FU. Pin. Cena is champ. Blah, blah, blah.
The match actually made me want to put the world’s kittens out of their misery.
-5 sleeping kittens out of 5.
Ms. Cewsh: You know for as bad as the scores I gave it, I didn’t hate the show…until the last match. Cena honestly ruined the show for me and made me feel worse about the previous matches I’d seen. It’s a shame, because the Michaels/JBL traditional SS match was entertaining to watch, comparatively. The end of the Triple H/Koslov was pretty great. Even the Orton/Batista SS match had some good spots. That’s about it, but I was left with the feeling that it was a more entertaining show than the sum of its parts.
Cewsh: This wasn’t an amazing show. The matches were, for the most part, spotty and meaningless, the crowd was dead, and the undercard seemed to drag on forever. But this show is one that we might very well still be talking about years from now for what happened in the main events, and I can honestly say that I felt it was worth my money to see it live. Is that enough of an endorsement for you?
Well cats and kittens, that does it for this month’s reviews from the Cewsh, Vice, and newly instituted Ms. Cewsh Team. We hope you like it, and as always questions, concerns, comments, and discussion are both allowed and encouraged. Hit us up and let us now how you liked it and what your thoughts were on the show. And as always keep reading, and be good to each other.